The Top Ten Conservative
Idiots (No. 129)
October
6, 2003
Racist Junkie Groping Nazi Sympathizer Edition
If you haven't read the Top 10 list in a while, read it this week. We've got two, count em, two "Conservative Idiot Double Plays" this week, with Rush Limbaugh holding the top two slots (racism and drugs), and Arnold Schwarzenegger taking the next two (groping and Hitler-admiring). Meanwhile, we've got John Ashcroft (5) dragging his feet on Traitorgate, The Bush Administration (6) getting the smack-down on WMDs, and Donald Rumsfeld (7) making the understatement of the year. And if that wasn't enough conservative idiocy, we've got a high school band in Texas (10) waving Nazi flags while playing "Deutschland Uber Alles." As usual, don't forget the key!
Rush
Limbaugh
What a week it was for the vulgar pigboy. Let's start from the beginning. ESPN
recently hired Rush Limbaugh as an NFL commentator, obviously deciding that
the Goodyear Blimp wasn't enough and football games needed another inflated
bag of wind hovering over the proceedings. But Limbaugh had barely settled into
his seat before managing to make the absurd claim that Philadelphia Eagles quarterback
Donovan McNabb was overrated by the media just because he's black. Admittedly
McNabb has made a poor start to the season this year, but he has previously
led his team to two NFC Championship games and been selected to play in the
Pro Bowl - see, unlike Rush Limbaugh, Donovan McNabb's talent isn't just on
loan. Limbaugh's suggestion that McNabb was benefiting from some kind of bizarre
media-driven NFL affirmative action plan drew so much fire that he promptly
handed his resignation
to ESPN, who fetched his coat and held the door open for him on the way out.
So poor Rush had to huff and puff his way all the back to radioland where nobody
cares if you blame all of life's problems on liberals and black people. But
then...
Rush
Limbaugh
...while still reeling from the ESPN furor, the king of the dittomonkeys took
a second metaphorical blow to the gut - wham! bam! jiggle jiggle - when
it was revealed that he is currently under
investigation for illegally procuring prescription narcotics. So for those
of you who have ever listened to the pompous ass's broadcasts and screamed at
your radio "Are you on drugs?!" we hope you feel vindicated.
Yup, if the rumors are true, Rush Limbaugh is a big fat junkie. Rush's ex-housekeeper
Wilma Cline blew the whistle on his alleged habit, telling prosecutors that
as part of a "drug ring" - which was the initial focus of the investigation
- she had supplied him with pills for four years. Oh boy. Turns out that the
dittoheads' outpouring of sympathy for Rush's hearing loss might have been a
bit premature as well - apparently doping yourself up to the eyeballs on certain
restricted narcotics can cause damage
to the ears. Not to mention the fact that according to Bush administration
TV ads, if you buy illegal drugs, you're helping the terrorists. So, let's recap:
last week Rush Limbaugh pulled a Michael Savage on ESPN, resigned in disgrace,
and was subsequently implicated in a drug ring investigation and reported to
be a terrorist-supporting hillbilly-heroin addict. Don't tell me there
isn't a God...
Arnold
Schwarzenegger
Meanwhile out in California Arnold was also on the ropes after the L.A. Times
published a lo-o-o-ng article featuring the stories of six
women who claimed to have been groped, manhandled, or verbally abused by
the monosyllabic man-mountain. I won't go into details here, but the LA Times
had to replace some of the words Arnold apparently used with the words "anus"
and "vagina," so just use your imaginations. In a surprisingly savvy
political move, the groping Austrian beefcake quickly appeared before a group
of his supporters to apologize
for his wandering hands and inappropriate sexual suggestions, saying, "Those
people that I have offended, I want to say to them I am deeply sorry about that
and I apologize because that's not what I'm trying to do." He was interrupted
several times by cheering supporters, which was pretty weird in itself; like,
Yaaaaay! Arnold is admitting to sexual battery! Whoo! He's the guy for me!
Arnold also promised that he would be "a champion for the women."
Actually he might have said "a-chomping on the women," we're not entirely
sure. But then...
Arnold
Schwarzenegger
...unbelievably, there were yet more embarrassing revelations to come.
ABC News obtained a transcript last week of an "unpublished book proposal"
which apparently contained a "verbatim transcript" of an interview
Arnie gave back in 1975. The interview contains some fascinating insights
about Governor-in-waiting Schwarzenegger: "I admired Hitler for instance because
he came from being a little man with almost no formal education, up to power.
And I admire him for being such a good public speaker and for his way of getting
to the people and so on." Uh, yeah, that's the first thing I think of when someone
mentions Hitler. Good public speaker. But apparently Arnold didn't just
like listening to Hitler, he wanted to be
like him too - "like Hitler in the Nuremberg stadium. And have all
those people scream at you and just being total agreement whatever you say."
You mean, kinda like standing there admitting to a long drawn-out history of
fondling women, while people yell Hurrah! He's a groper! Go Arnold! Spooky...
John
Ashcroft
All of which brings us nicely to the topic of John Ashcroft. Last week John
Ashcroft vowed that he would not rest until he tracked down the person who murdered
his wife. No wait, that was O.J. Simpson. Last week John Ashcroft began a full
investigation of the Bush administration to determine who leaked the identity
of undercover CIA agent Valerie Plame to columnist Robert Novak, dismissing
calls for a special prosecutor. Despite minor issues, like, say, the fact that
Karl Rove was a paid
consultant to three of Ashcroft's political campaigns back in the 80s and
90s, the Crisco Kid doesn't seem to think a special prosecutor is necessary
to avoid a conflict of interest. Odd, really - Ashcroft used to be a big fan
of special prosecutors. Back in 1997 he appeared on CNN's "Evans &
Novak" to express
his indignation that a special prosecutor was not appointed to investigate
important matters like Al Gore's alleged use of a government telephone while
fundraising. See - important matters, not like all this boring national
security stuff. "...You know, a single allegation can be most worthy of
a special prosecutor," said then-Senator Ashcroft. "If you're abusing
government property, if you're abusing your status in office, it can be a single
fact that makes the difference on that." My, my, how times have changed.
The
Bush Administration
"Simply stated, there is no doubt that Saddam Hussein now has weapons of mass
destruction." (Dick Cheney, August 26, 2002). "Right now, Iraq is expanding
and improving facilities that were used for the production of biological weapons."
(George W. Bush, September 12, 2002). "If he declares he has none, then we will
know that Saddam Hussein is once again misleading the world." (Ari Fleischer,
December 2, 2002). "We know for a fact that there are weapons there." (Ari Fleischer,
January 9, 2003). "Our intelligence officials estimate that Saddam Hussein had
the materials to produce as much as 500 tons of sarin, mustard and VX nerve
agent." (George W. Bush, January 28, 2003). "We know that Saddam Hussein is
determined to keep his weapons of mass destruction, is determined to make more."
(Colin Powell, February 5, 2003). "We have sources that tell us that Saddam
Hussein recently authorized Iraqi field commanders to use chemical weapons -
the very weapons the dictator tells us he does not have." (George Bush February
8, 2003). "So has the strategic decision been made to disarm Iraq of its weapons
of mass destruction by the leadership in Baghdad? I think our judgment has to
be clearly not." (Colin Powell, March 8, 2003). "Intelligence gathered by this
and other governments leaves no doubt that the Iraq regime continues to possess
and conceal some of the most lethal weapons ever devised." (George Bush, March
18, 2003). "We know where they are. They are in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad."
(Donald Rumsfeld, March 30, 2003). "At this point we have found substantial
evidence of an intent of senior level Iraqi officials, including Saddam,
to continue production at some future point in time of weapons of mass
destruction. We have not found yet, and I'm sure you know this, otherwise you
would know it earlier, we have not found at this point, actual weapons."
(David Kay, chief U.S. weapons inspector in Iraq, October 3, 2003). Emphasis
added to underscore complete and utter uselessness of entire Bush administration.
Donald
Rumsfeld
So weapons inspector David Kay has returned from Iraq, and the news is: no weapons
of mass destruction. Oh sure, they uncovered one or two programs and
discovered that the Iraqis might have wanted to have weapons at some
point in the future, but, uh, no actual weapons. Reaction from the Bush
administration was downright lethargic - surprising really, considering that
they convinced the American people that we had to invade Iraq before Saddam
dropped anthrax down our chimneys. But head chickenhawk Donald Rumsfeld, he
of the "We know where they are. They are in the area around Tikrit and
Baghdad. North and south and east and west a bit. They're under Saddam's bed
and in his socks. They're in the breakfast cereal of every Iraqi child. They're
in the flowers and the trees. They're blowing in the wind, somewhere over the
rainbow," seemed particularly
unimpressed. Upon hearing the news of the Kay Report's conclusions, Rumsfeld
said that it would be "unfortunate" if U.S. intelligence before the
war was "dramatically wrong." Unfortunate? Unfortunate? Pardon
me, but it's unfortunate when you're doing the dishes and you accidentally break
a mug. It's unfortunate when someone backs into you in a parking lot. I think
the situation in Iraq has gone a little past unfortunate, Donald. How
about a downright bloody disaster? How about a mismanaged, ill-conceived fiasco?
How about a murderous, useless, financially backbreaking fuck-up of epic proportions?
Unfortunate indeed.
Ernie
Blazar
Here's one for the bad taste files: Sen. Kit Bond (R-MO) fired
his veteran communications director Ernie Blazar last week for running a political
blog called "N8354N" during work hours, from his Senate computer.
And what does "N8354N" mean? Well, it's the tail number of the plane
which Missouri's Democratic governor Mel Carnahan died in, while running for
Senate in 2000. Hilarious, huh? A subheading on the site read, "The title
of this blog is not random. It marks an inflection point in current Missouri
politics. On that day, the worm began to turn." Nice. When Blazar's stupidity
was exposed, the site was subsequently deleted. Thank goodness for Google's
cache function, eh? They can find anything.
Ed Meese
Ed Meese, former U.S. attorney general under Ronald Reagan, appeared on the
"Today" show last week to debate Nadine Strossen of the ACLU on the
subject of the Patriot Act. Uh, in case you were wondering, Meese is for it.
But when Katie Couric asked him to comment on a statement by the American Library
Association denouncing the Act, the crusty septuagenarian lost
it and revealed the shocking hidden truth about librarians: "Librarians
are more interested in promoting pornography than they are in promoting patriotism!"
he slobbered. All right Ed, easy now. This day out to the television studio
seems to have gotten you a little overexcited. Here's your favorite squeaky
toy. Just sit there quietly while the nice man adjusts your straps, and it won't
be long before medicine time. Okay?
Charles
Grissom
And finally, here's a hypothetical question: if you were in charge of the half-time
performance at a high school football game, would you have the marching band
play "Deutschland Uber Alles" while waving Nazi flags around? Heh,
of course you wouldn't - why, that would possibly be the dumbest idea
in the entire world! Ah, but if only someone had pointed that out to
Paris High School's band director Charles Grissom. Mr. Grissom hit upon the
brilliant
idea of staging "Visions of World War II" as a half-time show, and of course,
World War II would hardly be World War II without Nazis now would it? But unfortunately
the plan backfired when the show almost descended into a riot as the "Nazi"
marching band crossed the field, and the performers were booed, cursed at, and
had missiles thrown at them from the stands. Uh, duh. Charles Grissom
later apologized for the whole fiasco, saying, "We had an error in judgment.
Our intent was never to cause any harm." He added, "And anyway, how come
Arnold Schwarzenegger can get away with this stuff and I can't? I'm so angry
I could invade Poland." See you next week!
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