The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 123)
August 25, 2003
Moore's Monument Edition

This week's list is a monument to conservative idiocy. And like Roy Moore's granite behemoth, our list has exactly 10 items. In the number one slot, is Judge Moore himself, who seems to have nothing but contempt for the rule of law. But at least he hasn't killed anybody, which we can't say for Rep. Bill "leadfoot" Janklow (3). Fox News (4, 9) makes two appearances on the list this week, for losing its "fair and balanced" court case and for showing itself to be anything but fair and balanced with regard to the California recall election. And if you didn't think this list was great already, we've got two appearances by Dubya (2, 8), plus Taco Bell (5) and the Nuge(6). Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

Roy Moore
So, a U.S. Supreme Court ruling and a busload of arrested protesters later, Roy Moore still hadn't removed his enormous Ten Commandments monument from the Alabama Judicial Building. Even an Alabama Supreme Court decision by the eight other justices overruling Moore didn't convince him to change his mind. And now Moore's Monument is becoming something of a battle between religious fundies who think that the world is going to explode if the monument is removed, and the rest of the planet who thinks that Justice Roy Moore is a maniac who should probably be kicked out of his judicial position once and for all. I mean, this is the chief justice of the Alabama Supreme Court we're talking about here, and the guy won't obey the law he's supposed to uphold. Instead he keeps rattling on about a "higher law" which, while all well and good, isn't actually the law of the land. But what's really sad about this story is that it appears to be turning into nothing more than a vehicle for Roy Moore to promote himself. In a speech in front of the monument last week he mentioned God 12 times and himself 21 times. And now he's been suspended from the Supreme Court, the real question is: anyone want to bet against Roy Moore running for governor of Alabama in the not-too-distant future?

George W. Bush
Thank goodness Our Great Leader is in charge of our national security and bringing world peace. He's doing such a great job so far. You only have to look at last week's bombing of the UN building in Iraq (which killed 23 people including the UN's top envoy in Iraq, Sergio Vieira de Mello) to see what kind of progress we're making. With surprising speed, the Pentagon rushed out the explanation that al Qaeda were responsible for the bombing (see - we told you that al Qaeda was in Iraq!!) - although recent news reports suggest that in fact the bombing could have been an inside job pulled off by members of Saddam's former security service. Meanwhile, on the same day as the UN blast in Iraq a suicide bomber killed 18 people in Israel, whisking Bush's largely symbolic road map out the window and blowing it onto the shoulder. And where was Bush while all this was going on? Well, during the recent blackout of the northeast Our Great Leader had to tear himself away from a fundraiser to address the nation. This week he was unfortunately in the middle of a round of golf, which he had to abandon to take a phone call from Kofi Annan. Incidentally, Mr. Annan immediately cut short his vacation to deal with the crisis. But nothing was going to come between George W. Bush and his vacation, which resumed shortly after the phone call. Ah, George must have thought after hanging up and sinking into his easy chair, mission accomplished.

Bill Janklow
Bill Janklow is the only congressman from (and former governor of) South Dakota, and is what we like to think of as a "typical Republican" - a conservative who tells people to do what he says, not what he does. For example, speaking in favor of mandatory drug sentencing in his 1999 State of the State address, he offered this analogy: "Bill Janklow speeds when he drives - shouldn't but he does. When he gets the ticket, he pays for it, but if someone told me I was going to jail for two days for speeding, my driving habits would change." Perhaps somebody should have told Bill Janklow that he was going to jail for two days instead of simply fining him for 12 speeding tickets in 11 counties between 1990 and 1994. Because if his driving habits had changed, he might not have been doing 75mph in a 55mph zone before he blew through a stop sign, hitting and killing a motorcyclist last week. Sadly it's a bit late now. But perhaps the possibility of a second-degree manslaughter charge will change Bill's driving habits. After all, it's hard to speed when you're behind bars.

Fox News
"There are hard cases and there are easy cases," said the judge in the Fox News Fair and Balanced case against Al Franken. "This is an easy case. This case is wholly without merit, both factually and legally." This appears to be the end for one of the most ridiculous lawsuits in recent memory. (Why in the heck would a news organization be trying to chip away at the first amendment? You decide.) Interestingly, we hear that Fox News have recently been running ads on their network for Hannity & Colmes, featuring Dennis Miller. The ads reportedly contain the line, "It's Miller Time." So what's going on here? Was Fox News's lawsuit really a principled defense of the trademark holder's sacred rights? Or are they just a hypocritical right-wing propaganda outlet that's full of shit? We report, you... oh, never mind.

Taco Bell
Just when you thought the recall situation in California couldn't get any more ridiculous, here comes Taco Bell. Their latest scheme is to encourage people to buy one of their food products and Taco Bell will cast a "vote" on their website for the candidate which that food product represents. Unfortunately Taco Bell's bias is showing. First of all, they've only got three options in their promotion - Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gray Davis, and, um, "one of the other 134 candidates." Ri-ight. Arnold's food product is the beef crunchy taco. Got that? That's beef as in man-mountain, and crunchy as in hard stuff. Gray Davis's food product is the chicken soft taco. That's chicken as in, um, chicken, and soft as in, well, soft. Oh, and is there any doubt that beef crunchy taco is Taco Bell's best-selling item? Gee, I wonder what the results of their "election" will be. Not that it really matters anyway - cast a Taco Bell vote for Gray Davis, Arnold Schwarzenegger or any of the other 134 candidates and chances are you'll spend the rest of the afternoon on the toilet.

Frivolous lawsuits seem to be the order of the day for wingnuts right now. Following in the footsteps of Fox News comes Ted Nugent, famed guitarist/hunter/conservative nutjob. The Nuge is suing the City of Muskegon, MI, Mayor Stephen Warmington, City Manager Bryon Mazade and Meridian Entertainment for canceling some concert or other that he was supposed to be putting on. Boy, how the mighty have fallen. Anyway, Nugent got his concert canceled because of comments he made on a radio show back in May (see Idiots 109) - nothing major, he was just explaining that the words "Jap," "Gook," and "Nigger" weren't offensive. Unfortunately a lot of people found this, um, offensive, and now it seems that The Nuge is having some difficulty getting a gig. The particularly stupid thing about this lawsuit is that Nugent is suing the City of Muskegon because they have "damaged his reputation and career." No, no, no, Ted - that's what you did. And that's why they canceled your show. Get it?

New York Port Authority
You'd think the New York Port Authority would have better things to do than track down and persecute police officers who appear on television shows. Unless of course the television show in question happens to feature - gasp - gay men! Port Authority police officer John Verdi got into a spot of hot water last week when he appeared on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," and two of the cast surreptitiously tried on his police uniform. This shocking abuse of police property was too much for the Port Authority, and Verdi is now "under scrutiny" because, according to the Washington Post, he "didn't get clearance to say he was a police officer on television, and that he shouldn't have let a civilian wear his uniform." Damn, Port Authority, how right you are! I mean, isn't it obvious that the transgressions of this evil, evil man could potentially lead to the downfall of western civilization? Sheesh...

George W. Bush (again)
In the wake of two enormous tax cuts which have so far failed to stimulate the economy, George W. Bush has a splendid new economic plan to fix the country's monetary woes. Can you guess what it is? That's right - more tax cuts! "As we stand right now, I believe the tax relief packages we have in place are doing their job. But I'm a flexible person. I want to make sure that the conditions for economic growth and vitality are strong," spake Dubya before heading off on yet another round of golf. If George thinks the tax cuts are doing their job, perhaps he should get off the damn golf course and go speak to the millions of people around the country who don't have a job any more because of his policies. Mind you, the good news is that the latest Zogby poll has Our Great Leader teetering on the brink - according to last week's poll a mere 52% now approve of Bush. Not only that but only 45% think he deserves re-election (or election, as the case may be) whereas 48% want someone new. So he'd better hurry up if he wants to enact more fabulous economy-saving tax cuts before he gets his ass kicked out the door in 2004.

Fox News (again)
Drudge is reporting that Fox News has ordered a moratorium on Schwarzenegger movie puns in the network's coverage of the California recall election. According to a memo from Fox News senior vice president John Moody, the effect of the puns "is often to belittle the candidacy of the front-runner for one of the most important offices in the U.S., and that's not fair and balanced. No more references to 'Conan,' 'Terminator,' and 'Kindergarten Cop' as shorthand for the candidate." I guess the GOP whores at Fox realized that Arnold's candidacy isn't the sure thing they've been making it out to be. The groping Austrian Beefcake isn't a "novelty candidate" but a serious candidate: "He is now undertaking a very serious mission and we want people to be told all about it." Whoops! I guess their bias is showing. I wonder if they'll be giving the same deference to the very serious mission that the incumbent governor and lieutenant governor are undertaking...

Arnold Schwarzenegger
And finally, Arnold Schwarzenegger made a bold political move last week by hiring top political advisor Sam Seaborn, former deputy communications director to President Jed Bartlett. Despite Seaborn's slightly tarnished reputation due to allegations of an affair with a call girl, he is expected to bring a wealth of experience to the Schwarzenegger campaign. An obviously confident Schwarzenegger has already begun looking for potential political appointees if he becomes governor, and is rumored to be interested in tapping Captain Stubing to head the California Transportation Commission, Roscoe P. Coltrane as Attorney General, and Quincy, M.E. as chief of the Health and Human Services Agency. See you next week!