The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 96)
January
21, 2003
War on Hummers Edition
Welcome
once again to the Top Ten Conservative Idiots! Democratic
Underground is two years old this week, and to celebrate we've
got some first-class idiots lined up for you. George W. Bush
holds on to the number one slot this week for flip-flopping
like a freshly-landed haddock over North Korea. CNN (2) are
beating the drums of war and Donald Rumsfeld (3) says that
we will attack Iraq if they a) tell us that they have WMD
or b) don't tell us that they have WMD. Their choice. Elsewhere
Minneapolis City Workers (4) demonstrate what it means to
be a true patriot, Bill Frist (5) is getting off to a poor
start, and - no sex please! - Robert McDonnell (6) is an idiot.
Meanwhile Poppy Bush gets a free ride from ABC (9) and Matt
Drudge reminds everybody who he is. Enjoy! And don't forget
the key.
George
W. Bush
Three
cheers for Dubya's fantastic foreign policy! From breaking
off diplomatic relations with North Korea when his administration
began, to ignoring and/or insulting them for two years (Bush
has said publicly that he "loathes" Kim Jong Il)
the Bush administration's foreign policy seemed to revolve
around one simple plan: do the complete opposite of whatever
Bill Clinton did. And Since Bill Clinton's foreign policy
attempted to keep the peace around the world, it's now no
surprise that we're on the brink of Dubya-Dubya-Three. Unfortunately
George and The Gang's plans fell apart at the seams last week
when it was decided
that they might in fact help North Korea with its energy and
food problems after all, providing that they stop developing
nuclear weapons. Which was, of course, Bill Clinton's plan
in the first place. But wait, there's a big difference! See,
according to George, inviting
North Korea to blackmail the U.S. and then giving in to them
in no way means that we're rewarding "bad behavior." And just
because we're "talking" with North Korea doesn't
mean we're "negotiating." Yeah, way to show that
evil dictator who's boss, George.
CNN
It seems that the administration will go to any lengths to
make sure they get their oil war with Iraq, and CNN are more
than willing to help them if it means more ratings for the
desperate cable news organization. Several alert viewers informed
us that CNN's Judy Woodruff announced on CNN last week that
the Bush administration was "encouraged" by the
UN inspectors' recent discovery of 12 empty rockets, which
begs the question, "encouraged whaa?!?" And also
last week CNN were banging Donald Rumsfeld's war drum for
him, insisting that "Lack of evidence could mean Iraq's
hiding something." Yes folks, that was the actual
headline on CNN's website. According to CNN, "The failure
of U.N. arms inspectors to find weapons of mass destruction
'could be evidence, in and of itself, of Iraq's noncooperation'
with U.N. disarmament resolution." Why don't they just
put up a headline which says "Come ON! WAR already! Crispy-fried
Iraqis are our top ratings-getter!"
Donald
Rumsfeld
On a related note, from the same
CNN story referenced above, Donald Rumsfeld has decided that
"the United States and the United Nations have no obligation
to prove that Iraq has continued efforts to develop nuclear,
chemical or biological weapons. Instead, he said, Iraq must
prove that it has abandoned them." Which obviously makes
perfect sense, if you're a semi-lobotomized Ignoramosaurus
from Planet Braindead.
Minneapolis
City Workers
But
it's not just CNN who are doing their best to ratchet up support
for the war and downplay the concerns of the average American.
It was revealed
last week that city workers in Minneapolis have been going
around neighborhoods and removing antiwar signs from people's
front yards. Damn, if that's not the kind of activity that
makes America great, I don't know what is. Nancy Berneking,
a Wayzata resident whose signs were knocked down and damaged
twice in one week, said, "It's like seeing the Constitution
being kicked down in your front yard... Why do these people
want to silence all dissent?" Come on, Nancy - it's because
they're true patriots, you god-forsaken Communist.
Bill
Frist
Poor Bill Frist. It seems that the new Senate Majority Leader
may not quite have what it takes to run the Senate after all.
According
to a news story last week, "US Republican Senate Majority
Leader Bill Frist debuted in his new role by beating a retreat
as he accepted a Democratic proposal on committee seat distribution,
rather than face a politically costly standoff." Ha ha!
Run, Bill, run! That's what we like to see. Perhaps you can
ask Chicken Dick Cheney if he's got any spare room in his
undisclosed hidey-hole. On second thoughts better not - I'm
sure as a doctor you find it really irritating when people
start pestering you for free medical advice.
Robert
F. McDonnell
You
might want to cover the childrens' eyes for this one! Ahem...
thinking of becoming a judge? Well if you want to do it in
Virginia, better make sure that you're squeaky clean. Delegate
Robert F. McDonnell, a Virginia Beach Republican who is chairman
of the state legislature's House Courts of Justice Committee,
said last week that "engaging in anal or oral sex might
disqualify a person from being a judge because both activities
violate state law," according
to the Daily Press. Yup, there's an old law in Virginia
that bans oral and anal sex, regardless of the gender of the
parties involved. Now clearly this is just a way to try and
prevent homosexuals from becoming judges, since in McDonnell's
mind they would automatically fall foul of the anal sex law,
whereas presumably everyone else can pretend that they've
a) never had a blowjob in their lives, or b) haven't gotten
their brown wings yet. So will McDonnell be making sure that
his committee asks everyone nominated for a judgeship, "Have
you ever played Horatio on the trouser trombone or perchance
taken it up the chuff?" Only time will tell. When asked
if he had ever violated the arcane Virginia law, McDonnell
said, "Not that I can recall." Man, his wife must hate his
guts.
Robin
Vanderwall
It
feels like it's been a little while since we've done one of
these, and yet we probably shouldn't be surprised that the
ugly specter of Republican child molesters is rearing its
ugly head again. According
to the Virginian-Pilot, Robin Vanderwall, "a third-year
law student at Regent University, who helped run several successful
campaigns for local Republicans, was arrested Jan. 10 and
charged with two counts of soliciting sex with a minor over
the Internet." Yup, another fine, upstanding member of
the party of family values has been caught with his pants
down. But stand by for the shocking twist! Among others, Robin
Vanderwall ran the campaign of none other than... Del. Robert
F. McDonnell, this week's Idiot Number 6. That's right, the
man who wants to enforce a no-oral-and-anal-sex law employed
an alleged pedophile for a campaign manager. "He did
a very good job in my campaign,'' McDonnell said last week.
"He was diligent and a hard worker. I am shocked by the
accusations.'' I dunno, perhaps if Robert livened up the action
in the bedroom he'd be able to think a little more clearly,
what do you think?
The
Government
Speaking of Hummers, did you know that if you buy a $50,000
H2 SUV and happen to fall into a 40% tax bracket, you can
deduct $38,000 from your taxes? Ain't that convenient! Apparently
in the mid-1980s a law was passed that exempted vehicles over
6,000 pounds from tax write-off restrictions - of course,
this was originally intended to help farmers buy tractors
and other farm equipment. But the new breed of behemoth SUVs
falls into this category, and now people who can afford luxury
vehicles can also rely on the government to help pay for them.
It's just one more way that the rich get richer in Bush's
America.
Poppy
Bush and ABC
When the band Alabama received the Award of Merit at the American
Music Awards last week, who should pop up on the video screen
but former president George H. W. Bush. "I'm very proud
to be part of tonight's tribute honoring one of the most highly
successful bands country music has ever known," said
he. Unfortunately the crowd didn't appear to to be very pleased
to see the man responsible for foisting Dubya on the world,
and proceeded to loudly boo him. But here's a funny thing
- on ABC's broadcast of the show, the boos were nowhere
to be heard. Why, it was almost as if they'd been edited out,
but of course that couldn't have been the case. Yup,
that rotten liberal media sure is cruel to conservatives,
ain't it.
Matt
Drudge
And finally, to recap: the economy is in shambles, we're teetering
on the brink of war with Iraq, and North Korea is threatening
us with nuclear weapons. So what was Internet muck-raker Matt
Drudge's top
story last week? That's right - Bill Clinton's penis!
Drudge celebrated the fifth anniversary of the impeachment
scandal with a front-page splash on how great it was when
he broke the Monica Lewinsky story wide open. Yes, good job.
Unfortunately while the home page of the Drudge Report
was supposed to make everyone remember what a great journalist
Matt Drudge is, it actually served to remind America that
he's done absolutely fuck-all for the last five years.
Idiots
At Large
Democrats claim Bush's
position on affirmative action is filled with "nothing
but bare hypocrisy"... Senate
Republicans are charging back into ANWR... Rumsfeld
is just a big crybaby... GOP
House leaders tighten their grip (risking more star systems
slipping through thier fingers)... Bush
hates the poor... Bob
Barr joins equally-liberal CNN... Ohio Senate Leader Doug
White says something really stupid... Reagan's
boyhood home isn't worth very much at all, actually... Michael
Powell says TiVO is "God's machine"... and after
campaiging as a politician or experience, Governor Rick
Perry blames Texas's budget woes on, um, inexperience.
See you next week!
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