Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 136)
London Crawling Edition
George (1) went to London last week and presumably left still
feeling curious since his handlers clearly don't want him
to know what's going on outside his bubble. Rush Limbaugh
(2) made his comeback, and funnily enough it appears that
"sober Rush" ain't that much different from "drug-addled
Rush." Meanwhile The Cable News Networks (3) were ejaculating
with joy over the Michael Jackson arrest story. Yes, it's
been a busy week for the conservative idiots - and that's
not all. Steve Linnen (5) apparently likes a spot of naked
photography, Clear Channel (7) are proving how fair and balanced
they are, Zell Miller (8) is rocketing to the top of the bestseller
lists (and it's all his own work, honestly), and the
Claremont Institute (10) present their hypocrisy award. Enjoy,
and as usual, don't forget the key!
For a few blissful days last week America was free of George
W. Bush and the good people of the United Kingdom had to put
up with him instead. Interestingly, Bush avoided the democratically-elected
people's representatives in Parliament (too scared that the
nasty British MPs might boo him) and instead headed towards
an area he's much more comfortable with - royalty. Yes, when
it comes to gadding about with well-to-do inbreds who are
supposedly appointed by God, Bush fits right in. Yet even
within the confines of the royal circle Our Great Leader was
still shitting his pants about security, and for all the precautions
that were taken they might as well have just encased him in
concrete and wheeled him around on a cart. By hanging out
with the royals, Bush at least managed to mostly avoid the
enormous protests that filled the streets of London - although
one or two reporters managed to slip a decent
question past every now and again, such as, "What
is your conclusion as to why apparently so many free citizens
fear you and even hate you?" Bush's answer - "I
don't know that they do" - pretty much sums up his complete
lack of understanding of the world around him. Laura Bush
was also on board the Good Ship Clueless, telling
reporters, "We haven't seen that many protests. But we
have seen many American flags and people welcoming us." Gee,
I guess she didn't turn on the TV or look out of the window
at any point during her trip then. So I'm sure Our Great Leader
will return with wonderful stories of how much the British
people loved him and welcomed him - just pay no attention
to the 100,000+ protesters who toppled a giant
effigy of him in Trafalgar Square.
Look out - he's back! After a quick jaunt through millionaires'
rehab Rush Limbaugh returned to the airwaves last week, as
pigheaded as ever and now apparently with added hypocrisy.
But don't call Limbaugh a hypocrite, because he's got
best explanation for his behavior: "there are people
who say I'm a hypocrite" he said on his show last week, because
he took drugs while "telling people to lead a moral life."
But - wait for it - "there's no hypocrisy... just because
I was doing something that appeared to be contradictory...
My behavior doesn't change right and wrong." Uh, so, you told
people that drug addicts were scum who should be locked up
while you were shoveling mountains of illegally-procured prescription
painkillers down your fat throat and - hmm - not going to
jail, but you're not a hypocrite because... uh, because
you were doing something which "appeared to be contradictory"
but you, uh - wait. How is this not hypocritical again?
Fortunately Limbaugh's not out of the woods yet - it turns
out that he's being investigated for laundering
money to pay for his drug addiction, which is a federal
crime. Mind you, he's got a good defense for this one too:
"I was not laundering money. I was withdrawing money,
for crying out loud." Yes, and telling people that drug addicts
should go straight to prison while conveniently avoiding prison
yourself doesn't make you a hypocrite either. Ooo-kay.
Cable News Networks
Weekly Standard (and others)
Terrorist bombings in Turkey, more American soldiers dead
in Iraq, at least 100,000 people march against George W. Bush
in London, free trade protesters clash with police in Miami...
not that you'd know much about any of this if you were watching
CNN, MSNBC or Fox News last week - for the big three cable
news networks, it was all Michael Jackson, all the time. As
soon as the news broke that Jackson's Neverland Ranch had
been raided, and that a warrant was out for his arrest on
child abuse charges, the cable news channels went into overdrive.
Terrorist bombings? Blah. Massive protests? Whatever. Clearly
the cable news networks felt that the most important place
to point their cameras last week was a local airport runway
where Jackson was scheduled to arrive, and an empty police
station parking lot where he was scheduled to do the perp
walk. So dedicated were they to their precious airport and
parking lot that they almost seemed irritated when
it was time to break for a ten second newsflash about the
not-so-important news of the day. "Another-soldier-dies-in-Iraq-al-Qaeda-may-be-to-blame-we-now-return-you-to-the-parking-lot."
CNN even ran a segment with a psychologist for worried parents
who don't know how to tell their kids about Michael Jackson.
(Picture the scene... Mom: "Billy, now I know
this might come as a bit of a shock to you, but I think you
should know that Michael Jackson may be a child molester."
Billy: Michael who? Mom: Michael Jackson. The
King of Pop. Billy: stares blankly. Mom:
Used to advertise Pepsi? Sang at the Superbowl? Billy:
shakes head. Mom: Dangled his baby over a balcony?
Billy: Whatever, Mom, I'm in the middle of a game of
Grand Theft Auto.) What an enormous waste of everybody's time.
Still, we'll only have to put up with it for the next, oh,
year or so. Bah.
Oh my, it's true after all! Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein
really were in bed with one another, so therefore the
invasion of Iraq was completely justified! That's what you would
have heard if you'd listened to, watched, or read the news from
any of the right-wing media outlets last week. Why? Because
the Weekly Standard recently published an article claiming
that al Qaeda and Iraq "had an operational relationship from
the early 1990s to 2003 that involved training in explosives
and weapons of mass destruction, logistical support for terrorist
attacks, al Qaeda training camps and safe haven in Iraq, and
Iraqi financial support for al Qaeda." Phew, hot stuff. Shame
it's all complete
crap. The Standard based its article on a memo which
came straight from the desk of one of Bush's propaganda ministers,
Douglas Feith, head of the Pentagon's Office for Special Plans.
The Standard's article was then immediately picked up
by several Rupert Murdoch-owned outlets such as the New York
Post and Fox News. But it wasn't long before the Pentagon
had to distribute a press release stating that the "news reports
that the Defense Department recently confirmed new information
with respect to contacts between al-Qaida and Iraq... are inaccurate."
Whoops. So did this stop the right-wing media in its tracks?
Hardly. The Washington Times, New York Post, and
the always-fair-and-balanced Fox News continued to rant about
the memo all week, despite its official debunking. Still, since
most Fox News viewers have probably already been suckered into
believing that Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein are gay lovers,
no big deal I guess.
Why am I not surprised that Columbus's recently-arrested "naked
photographer" has turned out to be a Republican? And
not just any Republican, but a deputy legal counsel for the
House Republican Caucus in Ohio. Steve Linnen, a member of
staff for House Speaker Larry Householder (R-Glenford) was
last week on one count of gross sexual imposition and one
count of kidnapping. It is suspected that Linnen is the infamous
"naked photographer" who has ambushed women on 39
occasions and photographed their shocked expression as he
waggled his naughty bits. Yup, the party of decency, morality
and family values strikes again. I mean, just when you think
they can't get any worse, one of them shows up flopping his
cock around in public... whatever next?
Looks like Richard Perle was off his meds again last week,
because the Pentagon's Defense Policy Board member strayed
from the party line during a speech last week when he stated
that "international law ... would have required us to
leave Saddam Hussein alone." So, uh, you're basically admitting
that the invasion of Iraq was completely illegal? How bizarre.
It's probably also worth noting that according to a recent
report in the Washington Post, Richard Perle heads
a venture capital company called Hollinger Digital, which
invested $2.5 million in a company called Trireme Partners.
Trireme Partners plans to cash in bigtime on military and
homeland security contracts, which shouldn't be too tough
since their managing partner is - you guessed it - Richard
Perle. How convenient. But let's face it - this kind of corrupt
cronyism is exactly what the Bush administration stands for.
Who the hell cares about the law when there's a fat profit
to be made?
Speaking of bribery and corruption, Clear Channel, the media
empire which owns a majority of the country's radio stations
and proudly calls itself the home of drug-addled hypocrite
Rush Limbaugh, found itself in a spot
of bother last week. It seems that the company has been
giving expensive gifts to employees who earn $100,000 a year
or more - if they agree to contribute to Clear Channel's right-wing
political action fund. Is it illegal? Well, Clear Channel
seems to think that the gifts-for-donations program "complies
with a rule that says a company can spend up to one third
of what it collects for employee incentives," although
the Center for Responsive Politics calls it "a grey area."
Whichever way you look at it, when one of the country's most
powerful media organizations is literally bribing employees
for donations to its right-wing PAC, you know that the idea
of fair and balanced reporting has gone completely out the
window. So can we finally bury the "liberal media"
myth yet? Its rotting carcass is starting to stink the place
Well would ya look at that? At the time of writing, Zell Miller's
new cry-fest of a book A National Party No More is
sitting at number four on the New York Times bestseller
list. Congratulations Zell, you traitorous sellout. But
hang on a minute, what's this? Do my eyes deceive me or is
that a little (+) next to your listing? Surely not, because
that would mean that your book has only gotten on the list
because it's been bulk-ordered. You know, like all of Ann
Coulter's books. Well, gee, congratulations, I guess. Seems
the same rich conservatives who want to cheat Coulter's books
to the top of the list are giving you a shot. Well done.
So, you know how Republicans are always going on about pulling
oneself up by the bootstraps, and how evil it is to give government
handouts to those who won't pull their weight? Funny how so
many of them turn out to be welfare queens themselves. Take
Thomas Dorr for example, who was rejected by Senate Democrats
as Bush's Agriculture Undersecretary last week. Turns out
that back in 1999 Dorr made a speech at Iowa State University,
where he claimed that the "most successful rural areas
in Iowa were 'not particularly diverse' in their ethnic and
religious backgrounds," according
to the Omaha World-Herald. But it's not particularly
unusual for Republicans to go on about how successful whites
are compared to those lazy, shiftless minorities. What's more
unusual, however, is to find them sucking the government teat
while doing it. Apparently in 1996 Thomas Dorr had to repay
$17,000 to the Agriculture Department - yup, the same Agriculture
Department to which Bush wanted to appoint him - because two
separate investigations revealed he had "misrepresented
the nature of the farm's operations in papers filed the three
previous years." Dorr was cleared of any criminal charges,
but apparently "told a Senate committee two years ago
that his family had done nothing out of the ordinary in structuring
the farm to get the most government money possible."
Damn those lazy, shiftless, welfare-grabbing, um... potential
And finally, you've got to feel sorry for the Claremont Institute
for the Study of Statesmanship and Political Philosophy. See,
despite Rush Limbaugh's recent troubles with drug addiction,
procuring prescription narcotics illegally, and being investigated
for money laundering, the Claremont Institute was all
set to give him their Statesmanship Award last week. Unfortunately
Rush has had to pull out, apparently "Because I must
limit my travel for the remainder of this year." (What's
up with that, Rush? Cops don't want you going too far out
of their sight, eh?) But not to worry - the Claremont Institute
brainstormed, and came up with a splendid solution. What do
you do if you can't get a hypocritical drug-addict blowhard
to top off your fancy dinner? Get the next best thing of course
- a hypocritical gambling-addict blowhard. Yes, the famous
moralist and Vegas casino-troll Bill Bennett replaced Rush
Limbaugh at the Claremont Institute's dinner last week, so
rest assured that the attendees still received a solid helping
of mind-blowing bullshit to go with their steak and three
Top Ten is taking a break for the holiday next week, so we'll
see you in two weeks time. Happy Thanksgiving!
The Top Ten Conservative Idiots is now on the radio!
The ieAmerica Radio Network is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo
Conservatives" - excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+
year radio veteran Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast
markets from the Midwest to the west coast including an overseas
hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience
was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed
by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a
local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal
roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota
state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest
in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history."
You can drop him a line at DeanRandall1@aol.com
- and don't forget to tune into the ieAmerica
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a Conservative for Next Week's List