Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 134)
Censor One For The Gipper Edition
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those conservatives sure do get freaked out when you bring
up the subject of Ronald Reagan. Ed Gillespie (1) is top of
this week's list for leading the ridiculous charge to get
CBS's "The Reagans" pulled off the air. Meanwhile,
Our Great Leader George W. Bush (2,3) is back as usual, and
his Administration (4) is trying even harder to screw the
troops. Elsewhere D. Nick Rerras (6) is demonstrating the
Republican party's forward thinking, and Arnold Schwarzenegger
(8) has started breaking campaign promises already. Finally,
David Horowitz (9) gets caught out, and Steve LaTourette (10)
is doing the family values thing. As usual, don't forget the
These days it's hard to believe just how far conservatives
have shoved their noses up St. Ronnie of Reagan's ass. Take
RNC chief Ed Gillespie for example, who, upon learning that
the CBS miniseries "The Reagans" may - gasp - take
some dramatic liberties (I mean, it's not like it's a, uh,
drama or anything) that he fired
off an angry letter to CBS execs. According to CNN, Gillespie
insisted that CBS "allow a team of historians and friends
of former President Ronald Reagan and his wife" to check
out the drama and approve it before airing it. And if CBS
refused, Gillespie would - get this - "ask the network
to run a note across the bottom of the screen every 10 minutes
during the program's presentation informing viewers that the
miniseries is not accurate." I mean, fer crissakes, what
next? If viewers now need to be told that what they're watching
on TV may not be 100% accurate, there are plenty of other
shows I can think of that could do with a clarifying message.
How about a crawl along the bottom of the screen during "The
Bachelor" informing viewers that "while Bachelor
Bob insists that he is in love with all of the remaining contestants,
in fact he may have already decided who he is going to pick."
Or how about during "Threat Matrix" - now there's
a show that needs a clarifiying message every ten minutes
- "while this program depicts the Office of Homeland
Security as a team of hip twenty-somethings who talk cool-sounding
cyberbabble and watch live satellite feeds in dimly-lit bunkers
before heading off to some exotic location and busting terrorist
ass, the real Office of Homeland Security is actually
comprised of a lot of fat old white men sitting around conference
tables discussing their golf swings." Not that any of
this really matters any more since chickenshit CBS bowed to
the right-wing pressure and shuffled "The Reagans"
over to Showtime where it will be seen by approximately nobody.
No weapons of mass destruction - check. No connection to al-Qaeda
or 9/11 - check. Looks like Our Great Leader is seriously
starting to run out of excuses for invading Iraq and getting
us into this ridiculous quagmire. But at least he can still
bask in the glory of having removed Saddam Hussein from power
and liberated the Iraqi people from his tyrannical regime.
The remnants still persist, of course - Bush was heard
last week suggesting that "Saddam loyalists, those are
the people, the torturers and murderers and thugs that used
to benefit from Saddam Husseins regime" being behind
the recent attack on an American Chinook which killed 16 of
our soldiers. Funnily enough, on the same day Our Great Leader
was making this statement, it was announced
that "The U.S. administrator of Iraq has decided
to conditionally support the creation of an Iraqi-led paramilitary
force composed of former employees of the country's security
services and members of political party militias." Uh,
okay - so that's no weapons of mass destruction, no connection
to al-Qaeda or 9/11, and now we're re-hiring "the torturers
and murderers and thugs that used to benefit from Saddam Husseins
regime" to help run the country. Right... so I guess
all we need to do now is withdraw from Iraq, allow Saddam
return to power, and we'll be right back where we started.
Minus the lives of hundreds of American soldiers and billions
of taxpayer dollars of course. Good job, George. (note:
kudos to Democrats.com for spotting this connection).
W. Bush (again)
Did you know that last March, Gray Davis declared a state
of emergency in California because of the threat of wildfires?
And did you know that in April, he asked George W. Bush for
$430 million from the Federal Emergency Management Agency
to try to prevent a major fire disaster in Southern California?
did. And do you know what Our Great Leader told Gray Davis?
Yup - screw you, dude. See, apparently FEMA's job is
to clean up after emergencies, not do anything to prevent
them. Although funnily enough, $500 million for the rebuilding
of fire-ravaged areas was tacked on to the recent $87 billion
Iraq request - which I'm sure will make George look good when
he tours all the rebuilt areas next year with Governor Groping
Austrian Beefcake. Look at all the money I've given California
to recover from this disaster! Sure, sure, I could have given
it to you earlier when Gray Davis asked for it - but that
might have made him look good. Oh, and, yeah, sorry if you
lost your house and all your belongings and stuff, but I've
got an election campaign coming up, so, uh, America thanks
you for your sacrifice.
How to not support the troops, episode #1837: it turns out
that while the Bush administration has managed to appropriate
$87 billion for, among other things, building new schools
in Iraq, they're cutting costs at home by closing schools
for the children of American servicepeople. According
to the Army Times, "Defense officials notified
the services in mid-October that they intend to close 19 commissaries
and may close 19 more, mostly in remote areas. At the same
time, the Pentagon is finishing a study to determine whether
to close or transfer control of the 58 schools it operates
on 14 military installations in the continental United States."
Why? Well apparently "The two initiatives are the latest
in a string of actions by the Bush administration to cut or
hold down growth in pay and benefits, including basic pay,
combat pay, health-care benefits and the death gratuity paid
to survivors of troops who die on active duty." For the
administration to make these cuts in the first place is awful
(so much for Republicans supporting the military) but to make
them during a time of war, while American soldiers are fighting
and dying on a daily basis, is simply disgraceful.
Fox News has always tried to maintain that it merely appears
conservative and Republican, simply because all the rest of
the media is - gosh - so damn liberal. But a former Fox News
employee - a "veteran producer" no less - recently
summed that claim up in a single word: bull.
Charles Reina, who recently left the Fox News network after
six years, published
a letter on the Internet last week in which he explains
exactly how the Fox newsroom works. According to Reina, "Not
once in the 20+ years I had worked in broadcast journalism
prior to Fox - including lengthy stays at The Associated Press,
CBS Radio and ABC/Good Morning America - did I feel any pressure
to toe a management line. But at Fox, if my boss wasn't warning
me to 'be careful' how I handled the writing of a special
about Ronald Reagan ('You know how Roger [Fox News Chairman
Ailes] feels about him.'), he was telling me how the environmental
special I was to produce should lean ('You can give both sides,
but make sure the pro-environmentalists don't get the last
word.')" Hmm... that doesn't sound very Fair and
Balanced does it? But Reina goes on: "Editorially, the
FNC newsroom is under the constant control and vigilance of
management... the roots of FNC's day-to-day on-air bias are
actual and direct. They come in the form of an executive memo
distributed electronically each morning, addressing what stories
will be covered and, often, suggesting how they should be
covered." What? You mean management gives daily instructions
on how to spin the news? But I thought Fox was a no-spin
zone? Wrong! According
to Reina, "The Memo was born with the Bush administration,
early in 2001, and, intentionally or not, has ensured that
the administration's point of view consistently comes across
on [Fox]." So there you have it, folks - only this time
it's official: Fox News is merely a lying, spinning tool of
the Bush propaganda machine.
Here's another conservative Republican who wants to take us
back to the Fifties. No, not the Nineteen Fifties - the Thirteen
Fifties! D. Nick Rerras, who won re-election as a Virginia
state senator last week, came under fire recently for suggesting
that mental illnesses are caused by, um, demons. According
to the Virginian-Pilot, a member of the Norfolk
Community Services Board was present during a conversation
with Rerras which turned to the topic of mental illness, during
which Rerras said "he believed mental illness was caused
by demons," and, "God may be punishing families
by giving children mental illnesses." Our sources tell
us that Rerras went on to inform his rapt audience that "thunder
and lightning mean God is mad at you," and, "for
those of you who think the Medicare crisis cannot be solved,
I have one word: leeches."
Unidentified Bus Driver
Let's see, according to Republicans these days we didn't go
over to Iraq because of weapons of mass destruction; we went
to liberate the Iraqis from their tyrannical dictator. Which
we did! And now we're spending billions of dollars of American
taxpayers' money to rebuild the place and, um, send them gasoline.
It's just odd how so many conservatives seem to be of the
opinion that rescuing the Iraqis from Saddam Hussein was the
right thing to do (because that's what Dubya told them), except
when it comes to the crunch, they still hate the damn brown
people. Take this
incident in Jacksonville, Florida, last week - an unidentified
bus driver allegedly told 10-20 children to get off the school
bus, forcing them to walk five miles home. Why? Because the
children were Muslim, and many of them were wearing traditional
Muslim dress. Nice, huh? You know, it kinda makes me wonder
whether the real reason conservatives are so keen to
liberate the oppressed Muslim populations of the Middle East
is because they're jealous. Hey, if anyone's gonna be oppressing
these people, it's gonna be ME!
After saturating California with campaign ads claiming that
when it comes to taking money from special interests, "I
don't play that game," Governor Groping Austrian Beefcake
has started mailing out invitations for his first
fundraiser. The fundraiser will be held a mere two weeks
after his swearing in, and is "aimed at tapping contributions
from Capitol insiders," according to the L.A. Times.
See, despite being a multi-millionaire, Arnold got a sweet
deal on a loan from City National Bank of Beverly Hills to
pay for his campaign, and now he needs to pay it back. And
what better way to pay it back than to ask for up to $21,000
a pop from "Capitol insiders?" But according to
Schwarzenegger spokesman Rob Stutzman, this isn't politics
as usual. "What's different is that our fund-raising policy
is different than other elected [officials] in Sacramento.
What's different is that this governor will not play the special
interest game…. Voters know they have sent a man to Sacramento
who cannot be bought." Uh, right - so I guess all those "Capitol
insiders" just really liked "Jingle All The Way"
Hey, there's nothing wrong with a spot of shoddy journalism.
I'm one of the shoddiest journalists around! But then, I'm
not all high-profile and respected like, say, David Horowitz.
Surprising then that Horowitz published this
on his blog recently: "The email below is making the
rounds and is something that defenders of the President and
this country ought to know to be better able to deal with
them... a.. Enron's chairman did meet with the president and
the vice President in the Oval Office. b.. Enron gave $420,000
to the president's party over three years. c.. It donated
$100,000 to the president's inauguration festivities. d..
The Enron chairman stayed at the White House 11 times. e.
The corporation had access to the administration at its highest
levels and even enlisted the Commerce and State Departments
to grease deals for it. f.. The taxpayer-supported Export-Import
Bank subsidized Enron for more than $600 million in just one
transaction. Scandalous!! g.. BUT...the president under whom
all this happened WASN'T George W. Bush. h.. SURPRISE ........
It was Bill Clinton!" Sadly, anyone who is even vaguely
familiar with the Internet knows that this is nothing but
email hoax that's been doing the rounds for a long time.
Shame the high-profile and respected David Horowitz didn't
bother to check before he published it. Even more of a shame
that he had to publish an embarrassing retraction.
And finally: during the Clinton impeachment, Rep. Steve LaTourette
(R-Ohio) was clearly torn about his vote, although he finally
decided that America's moral values were at stake and decided
to vote "yes."
Perhaps one of the reasons that LaTourette had a hard time
making up his mind was because he was busy boinking
a Washington lobbyist behind his wife's back. But it's okay,
because according to LaTourette, this is "a private matter"
so there's no need for everyone to make a big brouhaha over
it. Hmm. I guess his wife doesn't think it's a private matter
since she's now blabbing to anyone and everyone about what
an asshole he is. "He was a wonderful husband and father,
the best I ever saw, until he went there [Washington]. I told
him I was trying to get him out of the dark side, all that
power and greed and people kissing up to them all time. Now
he’s one of them. All they care about is getting reelected.
I hate them all." Ah, chalk up another one for the party
of morals and family values. See you next week!
The Top Ten Conservative Idiots is now on the radio!
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hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience
was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed
by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a
local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal
roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota
state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest
in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history."
You can drop him a line at DeanRandall1@aol.com
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