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The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 133)
November 3, 2003
Omission Accomplished Edition

To borrow a phrase from Joe Lieberman, it was a banner week for George W. Bush (1,2) who is still trying to sort out the whole "Mission Accomplished" Aircraft Carrier fiasco. And he's also got some pretty interesting "spin" about the increasing number of dead American soldiers in Iraq. Meanwhile, for the first time ever, we have a Democrat on the list (at least, it's someone who identifies himself as such). Despite the fact that our country has gone to hell in a handbasket over the last three years Zell Miller (3) has decided to endorse the chimp for reelection. Rounding out the list, we've got an out-of-control CEO (5), three conservative child molesters (6,7), a racist motel owner (8), a couple of stupid congressional staffers (9), and the ever-popular NRA (10). As usual, don't forget the key!

1George W. Bush covering your ass covering your ass lying lying
White House communications director Dan Bartlett appeared on this list back in September (see Idiots 128) for trying to pretend that the White House had nothing to do with the "Mission Accomplished" banner hung behind George W. Bush on the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln. As if the White House - which went so far as to color-coordinate the uniforms of the sailors standing behind Bush during his speech - would allow a gigantic banner to hang in the frame if they didn't want it to be there. But it was George W. Bush himself who was most recently perpetuating this myth, disavowing any connection to the banner at a press conference last week, saying, "The 'Mission Accomplished' sign, of course, was put up by the members of the USS Abraham Lincoln, saying that their mission was accomplished. I know it was attributed somehow to some ingenious advance man from my staff - they weren't that ingenious, by the way." Whoops. The White House released a statement hours later, which, according to the Associated Press, said, "the Lincoln's crew asked the White House to have the sign made. The White House asked a private vendor to produce the sign, and the crew put it up." I guess that would explain why the banner looks exactly the same as other banners which have appeared deliberately behind Our Great Leader at various campaign stops - um, I mean, speeches of vital national importance:

Wow, look at that. Not only did they use the same flag graphic, they used the same typeface. Lazy bastards! Mind you, the fact that the White House created the banner seems to have been common knowledge immediately after the carrier appearance - the Washington Post reported back in May that, "Aides say the slogan was chosen in part to mark a presidential turn toward domestic affairs as his campaign for reelection approaches." So I guess Bush was more than happy to be associated with "Mission Accomplished" - right up until the shit started hitting the fan in Iraq. Typical really - as soon as things start going wrong President Personal Responsibility looks around for somebody else to hide behind. The CIA, MI6, his own advisors - now it's the Navy's turn.

Point of interest: Dan Bartlett had previously claimed that George W. Bush never said "mission accomplished" (although the banner was a bit of a giveaway) - unfortunately it didn't take long for the White House to change its tune, because that's exactly what Bush did say to the troops a month later in Qatar: "America sent you on a mission to remove a grave threat and to liberate an oppressed people, and that mission has been accomplished." A second point of interest: last week the number of American soldiers killed by hostile fire in Iraq after Bush stood in front of his "Mission Accomplished" banner jumped past the number of soldiers killed by hostile fire during the initial invasion. This is getting ridiculous.

2George W. Bush (again) excessive spin excessive spin
It's not exactly the throwing of flowers that we were promised by Bush and Cheney pre-war, but, you know... flowers... car bombs... it's close enough for Dubya. Yes, if George W. Bush's lame attempt to pass the buck on "Mission Accomplished" left you confused, his take on the recent spate of car bombings and attacks on U.S. troops in Iraq will make your head spin. According to Our Great Leader, the increase in attacks on American soldiers and international aid agencies is actually a sign of progress. "The more successful we are on the ground, the more these killers will react," said President Brainiac last week. Oh really? So following this logic, at what point can we declare total success on the ground? Hundreds of attacks per day? Thousands? I mean, seriously, I'd like to know, because frankly this whole thing just seems to be getting kinda ass-backwards. First George W. Bush declares Mission Accomplished at the beginning of the conflict, and now he's of the opinion that the more American troops are blown up and shot at, the better we're doing? How bizarre.

3Zell Miller dumb partisanship partisanship partisanship
In case you hadn't noticed, we're a partisan website, so we've made a point in the past of excluding Democrats from this list. But it's finally time to tell Sen. Zell Miller to go jump in a lake. Miller announced last week that he would be endorsing George W. Bush for president in 2004 because he is "the right man at the right time" to govern the country. How a serial liar who has put 3 million people out of a job, killed hundreds of American soldiers, and destroyed a foreign country at the behest of his corporate donors by feeding the world a line of bullshit translates to "the right man at the right time" is anyone's guess. But clearly Miller has his reasons - one of them presumably being that he enjoys seeing America thrown into a world of hurt. So if Zell Miller decides that he's going to spearhead a "Democrats for Bush" group going into election season, call him and tell him where to get off. Because as far as we're concerned, Zell Miller is no longer a Democrat.

4The Bush Administration greed quid pro quo
Surprise, surprise - Halliburton is going to be sucking at the teat of Iraq a little while longer. It was announced last week that the Bush Administration is extending Halliburton's no-bid contract to rehabilitate Iraq's oil fields because saboteurs keep blowing up the pipelines. The Army Corps of Engineers hoped to announce the winners of new contracts this month (and yes, Halliburton is in the running) but decided to extend Halliburton's current no-bid contract into next year. Amazing really - the worse things get in Iraq, they better they get for Halliburton. The company just released figures showing its third-quarter revenues up to $4.14 billion from $2.98 billion last year. So I guess making money from the misery of millions is a decent business to be in these days - especially if your ex-CEO is the guy who gets to create the misery in the first place.

5L. Dennis Kozlowski greed fiscal irresponsibility sex
What do you do when your company is on the verge of bankruptcy? If you're L. Dennis Kozlowski, former head of Tyco, you spend two million dollars on a gigantic week-long birthday party for your wife in the middle of the Mediterranean. Jurors in Kozlowski's grand larceny trial saw 21 minutes of a four hour videotape last week, which featured Kozlowski welcoming partygoers to the island of Sardinia, along with "five young women in scanty, diaphanous frocks cavorting around a swimming pool, half-naked male models posing in snapshots with female guests and a performance from a pop star [Jimmy Buffett]." What the jurors didn't get to see apparently included "an anatomically correct ice sculpture of Michelangelo's 'David' urinating vodka," and, "two men dressed as ancient Romans carrying Kozlowski's wife over their heads." The clever part, see, is that Kozlowski managed to get Tyco to cover half the cost of the party because "Tyco business was taken care of as well." Presumably that was done while everyone was taking a break from cavorting and gang-banging. But you know, if there's one thing that makes me feel good about corporate America it's got to be the knowledge that while millions of Americans are losing their jobs, the top 1% are drinking vodka out of ice penises.

6Jon Matthews hypocrisy just plain evil
Has another staunch promoter of "family values" been caught with his pants down? It was revealed last week that conservative talk show host Jon Matthews is under investigation by the Sugarland Police Department for allegations of indecency with a child, according to ABC 13 in Houston, Texas. Matthews has been pulled off the air by KSEV while the investigation is under way, although he is already being defended by Republican congressman John Culbertson: "I just can't even imagine… I refuse to believe it… It must be a mistake..." I mean, a conservative child molester - why, that's unheard of! Preposterous. I know of no conservative in the history of mankind who has preached family values while groping children. It's disgraceful to even think that someone could be that hypocritical.

7 Hewart Lee Bennett & Stephen White hypocrisy just plain evil
Meanwhile, two preachers who were previously known for "fire and brimstone" sermons denouncing "fornicators," "whores" and "sodomites" are now better known as, well... fornicators, whores and sodomites up to their nuts in fire and brimstone. Rev. Hewart Lee Bennett and Rev. Stephen White were arrested recently for "soliciting sex with boys under the age of 16," according to gfn.com. Bennett apparently talked dirty to young boys online, but - get this - says he "only described sex acts to gain their trust and tell them about the love of Jesus." White, on the other hand, "approached an unidentified teen boy and asked if he knew of any adult shops in the area selling pornographic videos or magazines. After the boy told him he did not, White told the boy he could 'make some money' by letting White perform oral sex on him." Must be another one of those parables from that weird secret version of the Bible nutcase fundies carry around. By the way, at this point I'd like to say on behalf of Congressman John Culbertson that I just can't even imagine... I refuse to believe it... It must be a mistake.

8 Raj Patel racism
Conservatives always seem to be in the process of attempting to roll the clock back to the 1950s, but there's a small town in Florida that's tired of all the talk and is actually doing something about it. Perry, Florida, made the news back in 2001 when a black lawmaker from Maryland was told at a local bar that he would only be served if he sat in back. And last week Perry made the news again when another black man was allegedly told by motel owner Raj Patel that "coloreds aren't allowed in the pool." Patel, who is Indian, said, "Everybody is welcome who pays me. I'm not against any color. My skin is not white, I'm brown." But according to the Associated Press, "The attorney general said he doubted Patel's version, saying the investigation was based on 'multiple witnesses.'" Can somebody please give Florida a call and let them know that this is the 21st Century?

9 Two Congressional Staffers dumb dumb
There was uproar at the Cannon House Office Building in Washington DC last week when two of Republican congressman John Shimkus's staffers brought a toy gun through a security check point. The staffers had the gun as part of a Halloween costume, and a security officer - demonstrating just how tight security is on Capitol Hill - didn't notice the gun's image on the x-ray machine monitor until the staffers had collected their bags and left. Panic ensued as the building was evacuated and the House of Representatives was forced into recess while security officers attempted to track down the gun-toting "terrorist" and SWAT teams were summoned. The drama lasted about 90 minutes before the red-faced staffers realized what was going on. Just to put this in perspective, if you live in Washington DC you know that you can't get into any government building without passing through a metal detector. So why two people who work in a government building would be so dumb as to try and bring a plastic gun through in a bag is kinda beyond me.

10The NRA gun nut gun nut dumb
And finally: do you want to know who the real enemies of freedom are? Then just head on over to the NRA's website and check out their 19-page list of un-American gun grabbers. The blacklist was discovered recently by gun-control advocates, and boy, if you're a member of the NRA then stand by to get those panties in a bunch because there are some damn scary people on there. Like who? Figure-skater Tara Lipinski, for one. Still not scared? Then you've reckoned without Jerry Seinfeld, who, unless the NRA can stop him, will be coming round to collect your guns any day now along with Catherine Zeta-Jones, Boyz II Men, and the Kansas City Chiefs. Yes, it's a law-abiding gun owner's nightmare come true. Picture waking up in the middle of the night to find Leonard Nimoy sitting on your chest while Doug Flutie and the Central Conference of American Rabbis cart off your prized AK. Makes me break out in a cold sweat just thinking about it. See you next week!

The Top Ten Conservative Idiots is now on the radio! The ieAmerica Radio Network is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo Conservatives" - excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+ year radio veteran Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast markets from the Midwest to the west coast including an overseas hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history." You can drop him a line at DeanRandall1@aol.com - and don't forget to tune into the ieAmerica Radio Network to hear "Cuckoo Conservatives!"

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