Democratic Underground  

The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 130)
October 13, 2003
One Hell Of A Rush Edition

You've got to feel sorry for Rush Limbaugh (1,2,3). Just stop for a minute and think how awful it must be for him. I mean, the guy's been hooked on painkillers for six years, and he spent a decent portion of that time bashing drug addicts. Not only that, but his poor fans now have to live with the knowledge that every single "truth" Rush told them over the last six years was passed on while he was stoned out of his gourd. How depressing for them. Mind you, it was honorable of him to own up, wasn't it? I mean, the recently publicized investigation into his buying habits probably had nothing to do with his sudden confession. But there's more to life than Rush Limbaugh - Pat Robertson (4,9) makes the list twice this week, Bill O'Reilly (5) climbs aboard the crybaby express, and George W. Bush (7) makes a reappearance after missing out last week. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

1Rush Limbaugh drugs drugs hypocrisy hypocrisy
Look, if Rush Limbaugh wants to spend each day stuffing two grams of Oxycontin down his throat or half a pound of Bolivian marching powder up his nose, that's his business. It's a private, personal matter and it should be of no consequence to anyone, especially liberals, especially the tolerant, compassionate liberals that Sean Hannity was commanding to forgive Rush last week. But you know, this kinda reminds me of, say, that time Bill Clinton had a consenting relationship with a woman who wasn't his wife. It was his personal, private business and had nothing to do with anyone else, and thank goodness Rush treated it as such and didn't make a big fuss about it. Because now Rush has admitted that he too is a mere human being with feelings and flaws just like everyone else, we can all just say, "Oh, that poor guy, how awful," instead of calling him a fat, hypocritical crackhead. To his credit, Rush doesn't actually want to be treated like a victim: "I am no victim and do not portray myself as such. I take full responsibility for my problem," said he on his radio show last week. Got that, dittoheads? Next time you feel a pang of sympathy for Rush, remember that he takes full responsibility for his actions. Then re-read this old quote of his: "Drug use destroys societies. Drug use, some might say, is destroying this country. And we have laws against selling drugs, pushing drugs, using drugs, importing drugs. And the laws are good because we know what happens to people in societies and neighborhoods which become consumed by them. And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up." Don't forget, dittoheads - Rush is always right.

2Rush Limbaugh (again) drugs golf lying covering your ass
But you have to take pity on Rush, really. I mean, the guy has a serious back problem which surgery failed to correct. He got addicted to painkillers six years ago when they were prescribed for the severe pain he was experiencing. As he said on his radio show, "Unfortunately the surgery was unsuccessful, and I continued to have severe pain in my lower back and also in my neck now, due to two hernated disks (sic) - pain which I'm experiencing because of that." Hmm, interesting. Apparently those two herniated discs didn't put Rush off his golf game. According to golfserv.com, Rush Limbaugh is "no slouch with the sticks himself after only playing for the past six years." "'I felt like an absolute dork,' Limbaugh said after practice rounds on Tuesday and Wednesday with the long hitters. 'These guys are hitting the ball 330 yards up here in this air. I'm lucky to hit it 240 and they are kind of snickering behind their backs, while to my face, 'Thatta boy, Rush, you can do it.''" Good grief, he can hit 240-yard drives with two herniated discs and constant neck pain? Impressive!

3Rush Limbaugh (yet again) lying lying crybaby
But that's enough about Lardbottom's pill problem. Let's rewind a little: it's the day after Arnold Schwarzenegger's victory, and Rush Limbaugh is live on air, in full flow, talking about... Democratic Underground. What? It's the day after an unprecedented recall election, the Republicans won, and Rush is bashing our little website? Man, that guy must be on dru... uh, never mind. I know what you're thinking - didn't he have some gloating to do, or bloating, or whatever it is he gets up to on his show? Nope, apparently Rush had more important things on his mind than Arnold Schwarzenegger, and those things included getting back at people who've given him a taste of his own medicine. No, no, not Wilma Cline - your friendly hosts, Democratic Underground. Rush spent some time last Wednesday crying to his listeners about how mean nasty liberals are saying bad things on the Internet, and according to Mr. Factchecker himself, we want American troops in Iraq to get killed. Now just to set the record straight here, I can categorically state on behalf of the Adminstrators of Democratic Underground that - and this may be a surprise to some of you conservatives out there - we actually don't want American troops to get killed! See, like a lot of his material, Rush simply made that up. Believe it or not, we're extremely keen to see the troops come home unharmed. But then, we weren't the ones rallying out there last March demanding that our boys and girls be shipped off to the Middle East to die ASAP. That was, uh, fans of Rush Limbaugh. Name-calling? Yes, we do that. Immature needling of big-cheese conservatives? Check. Wishing for American troops to be killed? Uh-uh, sorry - we wish them all a safe and speedy return. But thanks anyway for the free advertising, Mr. Limbaugh! Oh, and just so you know - the following Friday, when Rush told his listeners that Democratic Underground had been shut down because of all the extra traffic he sent our way? Yeah, he made that up too.

4Pat Robertson racism racism racism racism religious nut
Here's a follow-up to the recent Rush Limbaugh/Donovan McNabb story which was too late to make it into the Top Ten last week. It turns out that - guess what? - Pat Robertson has come out with a staunch defense of Rush's comments (Rush said that quarterback Donovan McNabb was overrated because he's black - see Idiots 129). So what's Pat's angle? Unsurprisingly, he's taken Rush's ball and run with it into an even uglier area. The Racist Reverend tried to demonstrate that black people do benefit from "social concern" by comparing McNabb to actor Morgan Freeman: "He started off playing a chauffeur in 'Driving Miss Daisy,' and then they elevated him to head of the CIA and then they elevated him to President and in his last role they made him God. I just wonder, isn't Rush Limbaugh right to question the fact, is he that good an actor or not?" Um, reality check, Pat. Morgan Freeman is an actor. He's hasn't actually been promoted from chauffeur to God. You know? It's all, like, an illusion. Of course, the implication here is that as far as Pat Robertson is concerned, black people should stick to playing chauffeurs and let white people deal with the business of playing God. Incidentally, in between playing a chauffeur and God, Morgan Freeman also played, among other things, the roles of a slave ("Amistad"), a slave ("Glory"), a murderer ("The Shawshank Redemption"), and, oh look, a murderer ("Nurse Betty"). Presumably Pat considers these to be more appropriate roles for the three-time-Oscar-nominated actor.

5Bill O'Reilly crybaby crybaby cowardice massive ego
Bill O'Reilly retained the title of "Most Thin-Skinned Conservative in America" last week when he appeared on NPR's "Fresh Air" program last week to promote his book Who's Looking Out For You? (Bill's answer: me, me, me, it's all about me!). O'Reilly was given free time to refute the recent criticisms of Al Franken and others, talk about his TV show, discuss his childhood, background and spirituality, blast liberals, and plug his book in a debate-free atmosphere. But being the paranoid blowhard he is, O'Reilly couldn't even handle interviewer Terry Gross's relatively softball questions and instead tried to make out that he was being personally defamed. (Defamation seems to be a hot topic in the world of Bill O'Reilly - he mentioned the word about two hundred times in the first fifteen minutes). Eventually Gross's gentle probing became too much for the supposedly tough TV personality to handle - so he blew up, ranting about NPR's liberal bias and how all the questions were designed to make him look foolish (actually he managed to do a pretty good job of that all by himself). Bill then topped off his little tantrum by hanging up. Amazing - he can cut people off when they're not even on his show! Now that's talent.

6The Bush Administration excessive spin lying
You may have read recently that the Bush administration is on the offensive over the Iraq situation, and plan to push the message to Americans that everything is just fine and dandy over there. I don't know about on the offensive, but they certainly are offensive. Conveniently for the administration, letters from soldiers stationed in Iraq detailing the great progress of the rebuilding process have been showing up in local newspapers all over the country recently. But here's a funny thing - they're all identical. Oh, sure, they're signed by different soldiers, but strangely the wording of each letter is exactly the same. And not only that, but when Gannett News Service contacted several of the soldiers who supposedly authored the letters, none of them had any idea who wrote them. Gee, that's weird. I wonder how these optimistic missives, all identical, all apparently signed by soldiers currently serving in Iraq, managed to end up in the mailbags of American newspapers? I mean, surely the Department of Defense wouldn't go around forging soldiers' signatures on fake letters, would they? Would they?

7George W. Bush dumb dumb lazy
Somehow George W. Bush didn't manage to make it onto the list last week - I guess we have to give him a break from time to time - but he's back with a vengeance this week, and he's on top form as usual. Last week Our Great Leader demonstrated his can-do approach to cracking down on "appearances of impropriety" within his adminstration, forcefully asserting that he has literally "no idea" if the White House leaker will be caught. Uh, what? Why not? According to Bush, it's tricky because "This is a large administration." Well... okay - but surely you've stated with confidence that you're going to find Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, and they could be anywhere in the world at this point. I mean, this guy might work in the office next door to yours. What's the problem here? Apparently there's no problem - a confused Bush went on to contradict himself by stating that "We'll find out" who it is, and with the assistance of John Ashcroft we'll "come to the bottom of this." Well it shouldn't take long then. I think George and his administration are going to hit rock bottom any day now.

8Kendel Ehrlich dumb
Okay, this is just bizarre. Maryland's first lady Kendel Ehrlich was speaking at a domestic violence prevention conference in Frederick, MD, last week, and got onto the subject of young women needing to become independent, and the dangers of becoming too dependent on others. To illustrate her point, Ehrlich said, "If I had an opportunity to shoot Britney Spears, I think I would." Whoa, hold on a second there... she'd shoot Britney Spears? Damn, that's harsh! I'm not sure where Ehrlich got the idea that the best way for young women to become independent is to go out and murder celebrities (question: only given the opportunity, or is stalking optional?) but my goodness, that sounds like a comment in need of a clarification. And here comes the clarification! Comedically, a spokeswoman said later that Ehrlich used an "inadvertent figure of speech." Ah yes, the old "inadvertent figure of speech" ploy. That's always a good one.

9 Pat Robertson (again) warmongering religious nut
One appearance on the list just wasn't good enough for Mad Pat Roberston this week. Not long after his Morgan Freeman comments, Pat was back on the 700 Club bemoaning those awful traitors over at the State Department. What the State Department has done to incur the wrath of Pat isn't entirely clear (it's run by a black person, perhaps?) but whatever it is, he's not messing around. While interviewing Joel Mowbray, author of the new book, Dangerous Diplomacy: How the State Department Endangers America's Security, Pat said, "When you get through, you say, 'If I could just get a nuclear device inside Foggy Bottom, I think that's the answer,' and you say, 'We've got to blow that thing up.'" Oddly enough, Mowbray never actually says that in his book. But Pat may be projecting here - back in June the Rabid Reverend suggested that "Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up like Newt Gingrich wants to do." Now, I'm not sure where in the teachings of Jesus it says that the way to deal with one's enemies is to blow them up with a nuclear bomb - not only that, but nuking the State Department sounds awfully un-American to me. Perhaps if Pat is serious about this plan he should get in touch with someone who shares his beliefs but has more experience in this kind of work, someone like, I dunno, Osama bin Laden.

10The Pentagon homophobia dumb
And finally, whatever happened to "Don't Ask Don't Tell?" It was reported last week that Lockheed Martin have scrapped the planned name for their futuristic new combat ship "The Sea Blade" because - wait for it - the word "blade" is too gay. Lockheed have denied the claim that the name change was requested by the Pentagon, although it was apparently "dropped shortly after the Navy awarded the defense conglomerate a $10 million contract for a preliminary design." It turns out that "gay blade" is an old slang term for someone suspected of being a homosexual - a term which was later satirically adopted by the gay movement, and introduced to the masses through newspapers such as the Washington Blade. And so the Pentagon, in their infinite wisdom, apparently decided that it wasn't a good idea to have all those sailors, stuck at sea for weeks in cramped quarters, living it up aboard the old Sea Blade. Incidentally, has anybody told Wesley Snipes about this? See you next week!

Quick note to Neal Boortz: Rush didn't knock our server offline last week, but he had a good try. Your guys didn't even come close. Small time, man. Small time.

The Top Ten Conservative Idiots is now on the radio! The ieAmerica Radio Network is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo Conservatives" - excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+ year radio veteran Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast markets from the Midwest to the west coast including an overseas hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history." You can drop him a line at DeanRandall1@aol.com - and don't forget to tune into the ieAmerica Radio Network to hear "Cuckoo Conservatives!"

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