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The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 129)
October 6, 2003
Racist Junkie Groping Nazi Sympathizer Edition

If you haven't read the Top 10 list in a while, read it this week. We've got two, count em, two "Conservative Idiot Double Plays" this week, with Rush Limbaugh holding the top two slots (racism and drugs), and Arnold Schwarzenegger taking the next two (groping and Hitler-admiring). Meanwhile, we've got John Ashcroft (5) dragging his feet on Traitorgate, The Bush Administration (6) getting the smack-down on WMDs, and Donald Rumsfeld (7) making the understatement of the year. And if that wasn't enough conservative idiocy, we've got a high school band in Texas (10) waving Nazi flags while playing "Deutschland Uber Alles." As usual, don't forget the key!

1Rush Limbaugh racism racism
What a week it was for the vulgar pigboy. Let's start from the beginning. ESPN recently hired Rush Limbaugh as an NFL commentator, obviously deciding that the Goodyear Blimp wasn't enough and football games needed another inflated bag of wind hovering over the proceedings. But Limbaugh had barely settled into his seat before managing to make the absurd claim that Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb was overrated by the media just because he's black. Admittedly McNabb has made a poor start to the season this year, but he has previously led his team to two NFC Championship games and been selected to play in the Pro Bowl - see, unlike Rush Limbaugh, Donovan McNabb's talent isn't just on loan. Limbaugh's suggestion that McNabb was benefiting from some kind of bizarre media-driven NFL affirmative action plan drew so much fire that he promptly handed his resignation to ESPN, who fetched his coat and held the door open for him on the way out. So poor Rush had to huff and puff his way all the back to radioland where nobody cares if you blame all of life's problems on liberals and black people. But then...

2Rush Limbaugh drugs drugs hypocrisy
...while still reeling from the ESPN furor, the king of the dittomonkeys took a second metaphorical blow to the gut - wham! bam! jiggle jiggle - when it was revealed that he is currently under investigation for illegally procuring prescription narcotics. So for those of you who have ever listened to the pompous ass's broadcasts and screamed at your radio "Are you on drugs?!" we hope you feel vindicated. Yup, if the rumors are true, Rush Limbaugh is a big fat junkie. Rush's ex-housekeeper Wilma Cline blew the whistle on his alleged habit, telling prosecutors that as part of a "drug ring" - which was the initial focus of the investigation - she had supplied him with pills for four years. Oh boy. Turns out that the dittoheads' outpouring of sympathy for Rush's hearing loss might have been a bit premature as well - apparently doping yourself up to the eyeballs on certain restricted narcotics can cause damage to the ears. Not to mention the fact that according to Bush administration TV ads, if you buy illegal drugs, you're helping the terrorists. So, let's recap: last week Rush Limbaugh pulled a Michael Savage on ESPN, resigned in disgrace, and was subsequently implicated in a drug ring investigation and reported to be a terrorist-supporting hillbilly-heroin addict. Don't tell me there isn't a God...

3Arnold Schwarzenegger misogyny misogyny sex sex
Meanwhile out in California Arnold was also on the ropes after the L.A. Times published a lo-o-o-ng article featuring the stories of six women who claimed to have been groped, manhandled, or verbally abused by the monosyllabic man-mountain. I won't go into details here, but the LA Times had to replace some of the words Arnold apparently used with the words "anus" and "vagina," so just use your imaginations. In a surprisingly savvy political move, the groping Austrian beefcake quickly appeared before a group of his supporters to apologize for his wandering hands and inappropriate sexual suggestions, saying, "Those people that I have offended, I want to say to them I am deeply sorry about that and I apologize because that's not what I'm trying to do." He was interrupted several times by cheering supporters, which was pretty weird in itself; like, Yaaaaay! Arnold is admitting to sexual battery! Whoo! He's the guy for me! Arnold also promised that he would be "a champion for the women." Actually he might have said "a-chomping on the women," we're not entirely sure. But then...

4Arnold Schwarzenegger racism racism
...unbelievably, there were yet more embarrassing revelations to come. ABC News obtained a transcript last week of an "unpublished book proposal" which apparently contained a "verbatim transcript" of an interview Arnie gave back in 1975. The interview contains some fascinating insights about Governor-in-waiting Schwarzenegger: "I admired Hitler for instance because he came from being a little man with almost no formal education, up to power. And I admire him for being such a good public speaker and for his way of getting to the people and so on." Uh, yeah, that's the first thing I think of when someone mentions Hitler. Good public speaker. But apparently Arnold didn't just like listening to Hitler, he wanted to be like him too - "like Hitler in the Nuremberg stadium. And have all those people scream at you and just being total agreement whatever you say." You mean, kinda like standing there admitting to a long drawn-out history of fondling women, while people yell Hurrah! He's a groper! Go Arnold! Spooky...

5John Ashcroft covering your ass helping the terrorists hypocrisy hypocrisy
All of which brings us nicely to the topic of John Ashcroft. Last week John Ashcroft vowed that he would not rest until he tracked down the person who murdered his wife. No wait, that was O.J. Simpson. Last week John Ashcroft began a full investigation of the Bush administration to determine who leaked the identity of undercover CIA agent Valerie Plame to columnist Robert Novak, dismissing calls for a special prosecutor. Despite minor issues, like, say, the fact that Karl Rove was a paid consultant to three of Ashcroft's political campaigns back in the 80s and 90s, the Crisco Kid doesn't seem to think a special prosecutor is necessary to avoid a conflict of interest. Odd, really - Ashcroft used to be a big fan of special prosecutors. Back in 1997 he appeared on CNN's "Evans & Novak" to express his indignation that a special prosecutor was not appointed to investigate important matters like Al Gore's alleged use of a government telephone while fundraising. See - important matters, not like all this boring national security stuff. "...You know, a single allegation can be most worthy of a special prosecutor," said then-Senator Ashcroft. "If you're abusing government property, if you're abusing your status in office, it can be a single fact that makes the difference on that." My, my, how times have changed.

6The Bush Administration lying excessive spin warmongering
"Simply stated, there is no doubt that Saddam Hussein now has weapons of mass destruction." (Dick Cheney, August 26, 2002). "Right now, Iraq is expanding and improving facilities that were used for the production of biological weapons." (George W. Bush, September 12, 2002). "If he declares he has none, then we will know that Saddam Hussein is once again misleading the world." (Ari Fleischer, December 2, 2002). "We know for a fact that there are weapons there." (Ari Fleischer, January 9, 2003). "Our intelligence officials estimate that Saddam Hussein had the materials to produce as much as 500 tons of sarin, mustard and VX nerve agent." (George W. Bush, January 28, 2003). "We know that Saddam Hussein is determined to keep his weapons of mass destruction, is determined to make more." (Colin Powell, February 5, 2003). "We have sources that tell us that Saddam Hussein recently authorized Iraqi field commanders to use chemical weapons - the very weapons the dictator tells us he does not have." (George Bush February 8, 2003). "So has the strategic decision been made to disarm Iraq of its weapons of mass destruction by the leadership in Baghdad? I think our judgment has to be clearly not." (Colin Powell, March 8, 2003). "Intelligence gathered by this and other governments leaves no doubt that the Iraq regime continues to possess and conceal some of the most lethal weapons ever devised." (George Bush, March 18, 2003). "We know where they are. They are in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad." (Donald Rumsfeld, March 30, 2003). "At this point we have found substantial evidence of an intent of senior level Iraqi officials, including Saddam, to continue production at some future point in time of weapons of mass destruction. We have not found yet, and I'm sure you know this, otherwise you would know it earlier, we have not found at this point, actual weapons." (David Kay, chief U.S. weapons inspector in Iraq, October 3, 2003). Emphasis added to underscore complete and utter uselessness of entire Bush administration.

7Donald Rumsfeld dumb excessive spin warmongering
So weapons inspector David Kay has returned from Iraq, and the news is: no weapons of mass destruction. Oh sure, they uncovered one or two programs and discovered that the Iraqis might have wanted to have weapons at some point in the future, but, uh, no actual weapons. Reaction from the Bush administration was downright lethargic - surprising really, considering that they convinced the American people that we had to invade Iraq before Saddam dropped anthrax down our chimneys. But head chickenhawk Donald Rumsfeld, he of the "We know where they are. They are in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad. North and south and east and west a bit. They're under Saddam's bed and in his socks. They're in the breakfast cereal of every Iraqi child. They're in the flowers and the trees. They're blowing in the wind, somewhere over the rainbow," seemed particularly unimpressed. Upon hearing the news of the Kay Report's conclusions, Rumsfeld said that it would be "unfortunate" if U.S. intelligence before the war was "dramatically wrong." Unfortunate? Unfortunate? Pardon me, but it's unfortunate when you're doing the dishes and you accidentally break a mug. It's unfortunate when someone backs into you in a parking lot. I think the situation in Iraq has gone a little past unfortunate, Donald. How about a downright bloody disaster? How about a mismanaged, ill-conceived fiasco? How about a murderous, useless, financially backbreaking fuck-up of epic proportions? Unfortunate indeed.

8Ernie Blazar just plain evil
Here's one for the bad taste files: Sen. Kit Bond (R-MO) fired his veteran communications director Ernie Blazar last week for running a political blog called "N8354N" during work hours, from his Senate computer. And what does "N8354N" mean? Well, it's the tail number of the plane which Missouri's Democratic governor Mel Carnahan died in, while running for Senate in 2000. Hilarious, huh? A subheading on the site read, "The title of this blog is not random. It marks an inflection point in current Missouri politics. On that day, the worm began to turn." Nice. When Blazar's stupidity was exposed, the site was subsequently deleted. Thank goodness for Google's cache function, eh? They can find anything.

9 Ed Meese dumb dumb
Ed Meese, former U.S. attorney general under Ronald Reagan, appeared on the "Today" show last week to debate Nadine Strossen of the ACLU on the subject of the Patriot Act. Uh, in case you were wondering, Meese is for it. But when Katie Couric asked him to comment on a statement by the American Library Association denouncing the Act, the crusty septuagenarian lost it and revealed the shocking hidden truth about librarians: "Librarians are more interested in promoting pornography than they are in promoting patriotism!" he slobbered. All right Ed, easy now. This day out to the television studio seems to have gotten you a little overexcited. Here's your favorite squeaky toy. Just sit there quietly while the nice man adjusts your straps, and it won't be long before medicine time. Okay?

10Charles Grissom dumb racism
And finally, here's a hypothetical question: if you were in charge of the half-time performance at a high school football game, would you have the marching band play "Deutschland Uber Alles" while waving Nazi flags around? Heh, of course you wouldn't - why, that would possibly be the dumbest idea in the entire world! Ah, but if only someone had pointed that out to Paris High School's band director Charles Grissom. Mr. Grissom hit upon the brilliant idea of staging "Visions of World War II" as a half-time show, and of course, World War II would hardly be World War II without Nazis now would it? But unfortunately the plan backfired when the show almost descended into a riot as the "Nazi" marching band crossed the field, and the performers were booed, cursed at, and had missiles thrown at them from the stands. Uh, duh. Charles Grissom later apologized for the whole fiasco, saying, "We had an error in judgment. Our intent was never to cause any harm." He added, "And anyway, how come Arnold Schwarzenegger can get away with this stuff and I can't? I'm so angry I could invade Poland." See you next week!

The Top Ten Conservative Idiots is now on the radio! The ieAmerica Radio Network is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo Conservatives" - excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+ year radio veteran Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast markets from the Midwest to the west coast including an overseas hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history." You can drop him a line at DeanRandall1@aol.com - and don't forget to tune into the ieAmerica Radio Network to hear "Cuckoo Conservatives!"

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