Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 128)
California Schemin' Edition
California recall election is just a week away, and it continues
to live up to its reputation as a three-ring circus of idiocy.
At the top of our list this week is Darrell Issa, the flip-flopping
former gubernatorial candidate who started this whole mess
in the first place. Further down the list, we've got our typical
assortment of Iraq-related idiocy. Colin Powell (2) was caught
changing his WMD story, the Bush Administration (3) is anxiously
fearing the Kay report, and White House aide Dan Bartlett
(4) is spinning that whole "mission accomplished"
thing. Meanwhile, we've got college conservatives (7,8) and
the head of the RNC (9) showing once again that they're good
old fashioned bigots. As usual, don't forget the key!
Once upon a time there was an idealistic, principled conservative
named Darrell Issa. And Darrell thought that the governor
of California, the evil Gray Davis, was doing a terrible,
terrible job of looking after the state (despite the fact
that all the governors in the country were in trouble
because of King George W. Bush's irresponsible fiscal policies).
So Darrell decided that he would spend millions of dollars
of his own hard-earned money to try and boot the evil Gray
Davis out of office, and install someone more suitable, such
as himself. Darrell was a good, honest person who hadn't stolen
a car in years, and who truly, deeply cared about the
people of California. "Like you, I've watched with increasing
alarm as Gray Davis has systematically run California into
the ground," he wrote on his campaign
website in a very concerned manner. But then one day a
groping Austrian beefcake arrived in town and declared that
he was going to run for governor. Now, Darrell knew
that the groping Austrian beefcake was very popular and would
eat him for breakfast, so he cried like a little girl and
dropped out of the race. But then a strange thing happened.
Suddenly, Darrell realized that all the Republicans in California
might get so confused between Conservative Candidate No. 1,
the groping Austrian dope-smoking gangbanger, and Conservative
Candidate No. 2, Mr. Nobody, that they might split their vote
and let the evil Democrat Cruz Bustamante win. And Darrell
couldn't have that. So, despite being the person who helped
initiate, finance, and collect the signatures for the whole
process in the first place, Darrell started going around telling
people to vote against the recall - and keep the
evil Gray Davis in power! Because believe it or not, it wasn't
really about taking a principled stand to protect the
people of California from a crappy governor after all. No,
it was simply Darrell Issa trying to come up with a sneaky
way to replace a duly-elected Democratic governor with a Republican.
What a rotten bastard. The end. (Note: Our hero flip-flopped
again last Friday and endorsed
Colin Powell was caught out last week when it was revealed that
on his first trip to the Middle East back in February 2001 he
made these interesting
comments: "He (Saddam Hussein) has not developed any significant
capability with respect to weapons of mass destruction. He is
unable to project conventional power against his neighbors.
So in effect, our policies have strengthened the security of
the neighbors of Iraq, and these are policies that we are going
to keep in place." So how does Colin reconcile this with his
own presentation to the UN where he went into great detail about
Saddam's supposed "significant capability with respect
to weapons of mass destruction?" Not to mention George
W. Bush's pre-war State Of The Union speech, in which Bush read
out a laundry list of Saddam's alleged chemical and biological
weapons? "A lot changed between February 2001 (and the invasion),"
said Powell, "but I don't find anything inconsistent between
what I said then and what I've said all along." Oh right.
I see. So between February 2001 and April 2003, Saddam Hussein
miraculously developed lots and lots of weapons of mass destruction
that he didn't have before. That makes perfect sense.
Perhaps Colin Powell would have been better off sticking to
his original assertion that Saddam Hussein did not "develop
any significant capability with respect to weapons of mass
destruction" instead of gallivanting off to the UN to
claim the contrary. And perhaps the rest of the Bush adminstration
would have been better off not rushing the country into an
ill-conceived war based on the assumption that these weapons
of mass destruction existed. Because the long-awaited Kay
Report is due out very soon (David Kay is the chief American
WMD-hunter in Iraq), and draft
versions of the report released last week reveal that
- guess what? - they can't find any. The report also reveals
that there is no evidence that WMD were shipped out of the
country before the war. Brilliant. Well, I guess now that
we have definitive proof that this entire war was based on
a giant set of lies, this will be the final nail in the administration's
coffin. Surely the media will be outraged, and the public
will be out in the streets demanding th... wait, isn't there
a new episode of Temptation Island on tonight?
The art of spin just entered a new dimension. Check
out White House communications director Dan Bartlett trying
to weasel his way out of Our Great Leader's "Mission
Accomplished" banner on the aircraft carrier Abraham
Lincoln: "The president said exactly the opposite: The mission
continues." Uh, right. So why was he standing in front
of a big banner saying "Mission Accomplished?" Well,
apparently the Lincoln's captain wanted to put the
banner there, see. "It is something the troops are really
proud of," said Bartlett. "Of course they can hang the banner."
Okay, let's just get this straight. The White House communications
team, famed for stage-managing every single aspect of Our
Great Leader's public appearances down to the absolute tiniest
detail - including covering
up boxes marked "Made in China" with boxes marked
"Made In USA" and telling rich Republicans at a
Bush speech to take
their ties off so they looked more like "regular
people" - just let the Captain put his banner up without
raising an objection? I mean, they managed to get the carrier
to slow down and sail around in circles, and they managed
to stuff Bush into a flight suit and have him land on the
carrier by plane instead of helicopter (without soiling himself),
but they couldn't bring themselves to ask the captain to take
down his banner? Riiiiight. COMMUNICATIONS MINION: "Hey,
Dan. That big banner up there says 'Mission Accomplished,'
yet our message is 'the mission continues.' What on earth
should we do?" DAN BARTLETT: "Heck, let's just leave
it there. Sure, it might garble our message and confuse the
American people, but that captain just seems like a really
Bill Janklow is very
sorry. He's sorry he habitually broke the speed limit.
He's sorry he ran that stop sign. He's sorry he hit that motorcyclist
and killed him. He's sorry for the man's family. Said Janklow
last week, "Saying I'm sorry to some people is rhetoric
- there's no way that I know how to express the sadness and
the sorrow and the grief that have been brought to Mr. Robertson's
family. Let me say I couldn't be sorrier for what's happened."
Oh really? Believe it or not, it turned out later that Bill
Janklow could be sorrier - because the man he killed
was called Randy Scott, not "Mr. Robertson." Yup,
Janklow was so sorry for what he did that he got his victim's
name wrong. In true conservative fashion it turns out it's
not really Janklow's fault though - apparently he's been a
bit "foggy and forgetful" since the crash and has
been suffering from "blinding headaches," but is
improving. As opposed to Randy Scott, who is currently suffering
from an acute case of death with little to no chance of recovery.
Man-child Tucker Carlson played an amusing prank on Fox News
last week, and was promptly given a taste of what Fox News
considers to be "humor." During a Crossfire segment
on telemarketers, Tucker was challenged to give out his home
phone number. Carlson obliged and read out a number, but it
turned out to be the number of Fox's Washington news bureau.
What a cheeky monkey. But Fox News got
their own back in hilarious fashion by - ha ha! - giving
out Tucker Carlson's real home phone number on their
website. Boy, those guys at Fox sure know how to take a joke,
don't they? I mean, what a great way to even the score! Maybe
next time they could just punch the guy in the face, or set
fire to his house or something. Just by way of comparison,
Democratic Underground doesn't even publish the personal information
of the morons who send us death threats. But I guess it's
not hard to run an operation classier than Fox News.
It appears that after Tucker Carlson's wife and kids received
threatening and obscene telephone calls from cro-magnon Fox
News viewers, Fox News replaced Carlson's home number with
the number of CNN's Washington news bureau. Here's what the
article looked like. Interestingly, the updated article
doesn't acknowledge that the original article contained Carlson's
home phone number, nor do Fox News apologize to Carlson and
his family. Fair and balanced all the way, as usual.
Young Conservatives Of Texas
And I thought college kids were supposed to be smart. Last
week, the Young Conservatives of Texas decided to organize
a protest of affirmative action at Southern Methodist University,
by holding a bake
sale where items were priced differently depending on
the race of the person buying. So cookies cost $1 for white
male students, 75c for white females, 50c for Hispanic students
and 25c for blacks. Unfortunately the Young Conservatives
only managed to raise $1.50 before the sale was shut down
by the University after a riot almost ensued. See, I think
the Young Conservatives got this whole thing backwards, so
I've come up with a different bake sale analogy. Here's how
it works: to get to the cookies, blacks have to crawl on their
hands and knees across broken glass, Hispanics have to walk
barefoot across hot coals, white women have to hop backwards,
and white males get pushed down a red carpet in a gold-plated
wheelchair. Mind you, I live on the liberal east coast where
white men are still in charge. I guess in Texas they're really
downtrodden and oppressed or something.
Did I say I thought college kids were supposed to be smart?
Here's a bit of recent news which brings to light some
activity which took place at the College Republicans National
Convention this summer, specifically the selling of T-shirts
containing racist and anti-gay messages. Try these on for
size: "No Muslims No Terrorism," "Bring back the blacklist,"
[featuring a picture of Spike Lee] "Mr. (?) and Mrs. (?) Rosie
O'Donnell," [featuring a picture of Rosie O'Donnell and her
partner] and just for good measure, "The Clinton Legacy,"
[featuring a picture of the burning World Trade Center]. Of
course, a spokesperson for the College Republican National
Committee denied all knowledge and pleaded ignorance (which
wasn't much of a stretch): "We sold over 50 tables to vendors.
We didn't monitor every single product of every single vendor."
Really? Cool, then I'll go to the next convention and sell
anti-Bush shirts. But look, ultimately if the Republicans
want to run on a racist and anti-gay platform, then they are
free to continue to do that. I just hope they don't expect
normal people to vote for them.
According to the Washington Times, Ed Gillespie, head
of the RNC, last week accused
gays of "intolerance and bigotry" for - wait
for it - "attempting to force the rest of the population
to accept alien moral standards." Nice one, Ed! Yup,
Ed appears to be one of these people who believes that allowing
shows like Will and Grace and Queer Eye For The Straight Guy
to remain on television is the equivalent of having men's
penises shoved down his throat, if you know what I mean. But
his real beef is with gay marriage, and Republicans are now
preparing to officially oppose gay marriage in their national
platform. Apparently we need a Constitutional amendment to
fix the problem. What problem? You know - the problem of homosexual
unions causing happily-married straight people to suddenly
turn all gay and stuff.
And finally: yeah, George gave a big speech to the UN last
week. But he's getting last place on the list because let's
face it, hardly anybody knew what
on earth he was waffling on about. I mean, sex slavery?
Tsk tsk, George - when will you realize that preventing junkets
to the Far East for the purposes of bonking Asian prostitutes
begins at home? You really need to have
a word in Neil's ear. During the course of the speech,
Bush also made this interesting statement: "...there
is no neutral ground. All governments that support terror
are complicit in a war against civilization." Which was
immediately followed by this interesting news
story: "Soldiers from Fort Bragg's 82nd Airborne
Division are providing security for several members of an
Iranian paramilitary group that the U.S. State Department
lists as a terrorist organization." It's no wonder that
Our Great Leader's approval rating is steadily
dropping and his recent interview with Brit "Brown
Nose" Hume was the least-watched
show on broadcast TV - the dude is completely losing his
marbles. See you next week!
The Top Ten Conservative Idiots is now on the radio!
The ieAmerica Radio Network is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo
Conservatives" - excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+
year radio veteran Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast
markets from the Midwest to the west coast including an overseas
hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience
was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed
by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a
local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal
roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota
state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest
in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history."
You can drop him a line at DeanRandall1@aol.com
- and don't forget to tune into the ieAmerica
Radio Network to hear "Cuckoo Conservatives!"
a Conservative for Next Week's List