Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 127)
Extort the Troops Edition
this for screwed up priorities? We've can afford to give a
massive tax cut to the rich, but the Pentagon (1) is making
wounded soldiers pay for their meals while they're in the
hospital. Shame! And speaking of shame, you know how the Bush
Administration spent the last two years trying to convince
us that Iraq was behind 9/11? Dick Cheney (2,7) said it on
TV just last week. Well, forget it ever happened, because
Bush (3,4) and the rest of his administration are telling
us that they never, ever made the connection. Riiiight.
Rounding out the list, we've got perennial Top-10 favorites
Fox News (6), Arnold (8), Roy Moore (9) and Pat Roberston
(10). As usual, don't forget the key!
Remember all those so-called "support the troops" rallies
that took place before the invasion of Iraq? The ones where
all those chickenhawk conservatives were "supporting the troops"
by insisting that they should be shipped off to die in a Middle
Eastern hell-hole - all because George W. Bush convinced America
that we were about to be blown up by Saddam's apparently non-existent
weapons of mass destruction? I often wonder where those people
are now - I mean, you don't see a lot of them around. Waving
flags, parading in the streets, "supporting the troops" -
or was that only when we were confronted with the exciting
opportunity to kill lots of brown people? Yup, they've been
remarkably silent recently, these "supporters" of the troops.
It's a shame really, because the troops could probably do
with a bit of extra support right now. Take, for example,
the wounded soldiers who have to pay
for meals while they're in the hospital. Last week it
was revealed that the Pentagon is literally adding insult
to injury by charging soldiers who were wounded in Iraq for
meals they ate while recuperating. Some soldiers are having
to write checks for up to $300 to cover the cost of their
food. Odd really - George W. Bush just asked the American
people for another $87 billion to foot the bill for his Iraq
folly, meanwhile the Pentagon is trying to squeeze an extra
dollar here and there from soldiers who were wounded in action.
Still, I suppose in a time of war everyone has to make sacrifices.
Everyone except Bush's super-rich friends of course, who just
get an enormous tax cut.
Perhaps Vice President Crashcart should have stayed in his hidey-hole,
because the minute he stuck his head out last week he got whacked
like a fat, bald, atherosclerotic mole. The problem started
when Cheney appeared on "Meet the Press" to regurgitate the
usual Bush administration lies about Saddam's connections to
Osama bin Laden. Said
he, "If we're successful in Iraq, if we can stand up a good
representative government in Iraq, that secures the region so
that it never again becomes a threat to its neighbors or to
the United States, so it's not pursuing weapons of mass destruction,
so that it's not a safe haven for terrorists, now we will have
struck a major blow right at the heart of the base, if you
will, the geographic base of the terrorists who have had us
under assault now for many years, but most especially on 9/11."
But what's this? A few days later, the White House denied
that they had ever linked Iraq to 9/11. "We've had no
evidence that Saddam Hussein was involved with September 11,"
said George W. Bush himself. Whoops! I guess Dick's feeling
a little embarrased now. It must be awfully tough to be smacked
down by the boy idiot who's supposed to be taking your orders.
But wait, hold on there a minute. "We've had no evidence that
Saddam Hussein was involved with September 11?" Then why,
in the rush to war, did George W. Bush find it practically
impossible to mention the word "Iraq" without also using the
words "September 11" in the same sentence? Why has the administration
done everything in its power to connect the secular Saddam
Hussein with the fundamentalist Osama bin Laden? Why do 70%
of Americans think that Saddam was behind 9/11? Why did the
administration start drawing up plans to invade Iraq the minute
it heard a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center?
Why is Dick Cheney going around saying that Iraq is the "geographic
base of the terrorists who have had us under assault now for
many years, but most especially on 9/11?" What the hell kinda
crack is George W. Bush on exactly? Give me a break. You know,
I remember the good old days when Our Great Leader was insisting
that he would be avoiding "even the appearance of impropriety."
Who would have thought that after making White House employees
take an oath that they would all be an "example of humility
and decency and fairness," Bush would go on to consistently
lie to the American people, alienate our long-standing foreign
allies, and rush us into a quagmire which has become a death
trap for American soldiers, a financial black hole, and from
which there is no easy means of escape? Oh yeah, not to mention
swagger around on an aircraft carrier with his balls hanging
George W. Bush
It seems Our Great Leader is taking further steps to avoid
"even the appearance of impropriety" by not telling Congress
where almost half of the $4 billion spent each month on Iraq
is going. Just to make this absolutely clear, about $1.5 billion
a month of the administration's spending is simply disappearing,
and now Dubya wants us to cough up another $87 billion - which
he also doesn't want to have to account for. Okay, so we know
that the money isn't going to cover the cost of meals for
wounded soldiers - they have to pull themselves up by the
bootstraps (which can be difficult if you're missing a limb).
And we know it's not going towards finding weapons of mass
destruction, because there aren't any. So where is
it going? Sen. Ted Kennedy thinks the missing money is potentially
being used to bribe other countries to send their troops to
help us out, although it doesn't appear to be working so far.
But there are other possibilites. I'm sure Dick Cheney's undisclosed
location runs up a hefty electric bill, for example. And I
expect Dubya spent a lot on pay-per-view during his month-long
vacation at the pig farm. Or perhaps Halliburton needs to
have some conference rooms refurbished. I guess we may never
Pardon me if I pause for a moment to chuckle. Last week conservative
proponents of the California recall were up in arms when a
panel of the 9th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals ordered the
special election to be postponed
because outdated punch-card voting machines could deny millions
of people their constitutional right to have their ballots
counted fairly. Boy, those conservatives were pissed.
Complaining about liberal bias and judicial activism and goodness
knows what else. The sweet, sweet irony of the situation is
that the court based its decision almost entirely on the U.S.
Supreme Court's Bush vs. Gore decision of 2000 which
put Whistle-Ass in the White House. So those blustering conservatives
are having to come up with all kinds of excuses right now
to avoid looking inconsistent and hypocritical, and unfortunately
it's not working. I mean, which is it? Either the U.S. Supreme
Court was right, in which case the Recall must be postponed,
or the Supreme Court was wrong, in which case they're basically
admitting that Bush was installed illegitimately. To argue
that the Court was right in one case but not the other stinks
worse than Arnold Schwarzenegger after a bodybuilder orgy.
Top reporter Christiane Amanpour got into a little hot water
last week when she criticized CNN's media coverage of the invasion
of Iraq, saying that her news organization was "muzzled" by
a combination of the White House and its "foot soldiers" at
Fox News. Said Amanpour, "...television - and perhaps to a certain
extent my station - was intimidated by the administration and
its foot soldiers at Fox News. And it did, in fact, put a climate
of fear and self-censorship in terms of the kind of broadcast
work we did." An unnamed Fox News spokeswoman later took this
as opportunity to give an example of exactly
what Amanpour was talking about, saying, "It's better to be
viewed as a foot soldier for Bush than a spokeswoman for al-Qaeda."
So let me get this straight. First, Fox News is actually
admitting that they are simply "foot soldiers" for the Bush
administration. Second, Fox News is stating that to accurately
report the news from the Iraq war zone - as opposed to reporting
only pro-American news and spinning the facts to make the administration
look good - makes one a spokesperson for al-Qaeda. Obviously,
that Fox News is nothing more than the propaganda arm of the
Bush administration is one of the worst-kept secrets in media
history, but to see them publicly acknowledging that
fact is, frankly, nothing short of stunning. I guess it doesn't
bother fans of Fox that we're now living in a climate where
one of the biggest cable news networks can simply come right
out and say that "truth equals treason."
Yup, it's been a rough week for Dick alright. Not long after
getting a pie in the face from Dubya over his statements on
Iraq and al-Qaeda, Crashcart came under fire from Democrats
who want to know the extent of his financial
ties to Halliburton. In the same "Meet the Press" appearance
where he linked Saddam Hussein to Osama bin Laden, Cheney
asserted "I have no financial interest in Halliburton of any
kind and haven't had now for over three years." Oh really?
Then perhaps he should explain why in 2001 and 2002, he received
almost as much in salary from Halliburton as he did as vice
president. According to Tom Daschle, Cheney has received "hundreds
of thousands of dollars in deferred salary payments" from
Halliburton, who, purely coincidentally of course, happen
to be making a huge profit off no-bid contracts to repair
the damage caused by the Bush administration in Iraq. Of course,
Dick has also claimed that "As vice president, I have absolutely
no influence of, involvement of, knowledge of, in any way,
shape or form, of contracts." Hmm, just like he has no financial
interest in Halliburton. And before you ask - no, you still
can't see the documents from Dick's secret energy policy meetings.
Let's face it, while the California Recall is still going
on the Top Ten wouldn't be the Top Ten without a mention of
Arnold's most recent antics. Unfortunately the groping Austrian
beefcake's chances aren't looking so good at the moment -
especially since he refuses
to appear in any candidate debates except for one in which
the questions are provided in advance. So Arnold has been
out and about promoting his campaign in venues he's more confortable
with. Since Mr. Gangbang's appeal among female voters appears
to be waning, he popped up on Oprah
last week to lie about how he never really did any of that
orgy stuff back in the '70s - or at least, if he did he can't
remember it. Arnold also waxed poetic on the subject of his
wife, reminiscing about the time he said to her that "a pump
is better than coming." Interestingly, it's quite possible
that this is the first time in history a political candidate
has used the topic of ejaculation to woo female voters - and
if it works it could open up a whole new avenue of campaigning
for other candidates. Look out for George W. Bush to explain
in the months ahead how he "jizzed himself" while ordering
U.S. troops into Iraq.
Sigh. We thought he might have gotten over it by now, but
it appears Roy Moore is still violating Commandment One and
continues to worship his big chunk of granite. Apparently
the suspended Chief Justice now wants to move
his 5,300 pound rock to the U.S. Capitol Building where it
can be put on display. Well, good luck Roy. At least Sen.
Richard Shelby (R-Nutjob) has got your back - he called on
Congress to accept Moore's "gracious offer" last week. Moore's
reason for putting the monument in the Capitol Building goes
something like this: "By its very action as the elected representatives
of the American people, Congress would restore the balance
of power between the branches of government and would send
a message to federal courts that we, the people, have the
final word on our inalienable right to acknowledge God." Cool,
well I hope Roy doesn't mind when somebody wants to put a
monument to Islam, or Buddhism, or Wicca up there alongside
the Ten Commandments. Nah, I'm sure he wouldn't have a problem
with that. While Moore is waiting for Congress to return his
calls, he can take some comfort in the knowledge that a replica
of his granite lump will be going on tour this fall - a Huntsville
sculptor and a Decatur monument maker are getting together
to build a full-size model of Moore's Monument out of foamboard,
wood and tin. Apparently the unsturdy-sounding replica
will be "the centerpiece of a 'Save the Commandments Caravan'
that will go from Montgomery to the steps of the U.S. Supreme
Court," which leaves us with the simple question: are these
people freakin' nuts or what?
And finally, Pat Robertson last week exhorted 700 Club viewers
to pray "in the name of Jesus" for God to put up "a wall of
protection" around Virginia Beach to save
his Christian Broadcasting Network from Hurricane Isabel.
Pat and Co. were asking God to "command this storm to go out
into the sea and to pass land harmlessly." Tsk tsk, Pat. You
know God doesn't like being told what to do. Clearly George
W. Bush didn't have much faith in Pat's hotline to the creator,
like the yellow-bellied coward he is to the relative saftey
of Camp David - although I'm sure he was thinking of the residents
of Washington D.C. as he watched the whole thing unfold on
the Weather Channel. Anyway, perhaps the fact that Virginia
Beach ended up being one of the worst hit areas of the coast
will give the Pat Robertson some insight into what God thinks
of his money-grubbing, hate-promoting perversion of Christianity.
Or then again, perhaps not. See you next week!
The Top Ten Conservative Idiots is now on the radio!
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roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota
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