Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 126)
$87 Billion Edition
the Bush Administration (1) have once again totally misled
America over yet another aspect of the invasion of Iraq. But
what's $87 billion between friends? Apparently not much, according
to Congressional Republicans (2). And Halliburton (3) is loving
it, of course. But while there's $87 billion worth of idiocy
this week, it's not all Bush. Take the FCC (4) for example,
who have got some funny ideas about what constitutes a "news
program." Or Ted Nugent (6) who appears to be yet another
right-wing deadbeat dad. And then there's Students For Academic
Freedom (7) who have a new affirmative action plan - conservative
style. Finally, let's not forget the Drug Enforcement Administration
(10) who are making our streets safer by locking up stoner
comedians. As usual, don't forget the key!
Ah, remember when we were going to get Saddam Hussein, find
his weapons of mass destruction, pay for the war using nothing
but Iraqi oil revenues, and the only thing getting in our
way would be the Iraqi people throwing flowers at us? Yes,
those were the days. Unfortunately things haven't quite gone
according to the neo-con plan, and now we can't find Saddam
or his weapons, the Iraqi people are blowing us and each other
up with car bombs, and Our Great Leader had to make a groveling
to the nation last week asking for another $87 billion
to rebuild Iraq. And that's just for one year. That
brings the total budget for the war - so far - to $166
billion. But pay no attention to the enormous $550 billion
budget hole we're slowly digging, if another $87 billion is
what's needed, then another $87 billion is what we shall pay.
Just to put things in perspective, $87 billion is three times
the amount Bush intends to spend on education this year, twice
the budget for Homeland Security, and ten times the budget
for the Environmental Protection Agency. To put it further
into perspective, the 1991
Gulf War cost the United States about $20 billion total.
And to put things even further into perspective, ask
yourself how much of that $87 billion is going to go directly
into Halliburton and the Carlyle Group's back pockets. Let's
face it, Bush and Cheney probably don't even care about next
year's election - in a few short years the CEO president has
already managed to set himself up for the world's biggest
Funny how one day Republicans are all "smaller goverment
this" and "cut spending that," and then the next
day they're "crack open the piggy bank and let's SHOP TILL
WE DROP!" Last week Congressional Republicans gushed
over Dubya's $87 billion request, practically soaking the Capitol
Building with spittle. Not only that, but to drive the point
home they played their "treason" card - again -
suggesting that Democrats who criticized Our Great Leader's
Great Economic Toilet Flush were "endangering U.S. troops."
Ri-i-i-ight. Rep. Ed Schrock of Virginia said that the Democratic
presidential candidates were "trying to make this look
like the worst thing that's ever happened. Frankly this administration
has done a magnificent job and more people need to come out
and say that." This administration has done a magnificent
job? ON WHAT PLANET IS THAT, ED? This adminstration has screwed
the pooch at almost every possible opportunity - alienating
our allies, rushing to start a war based on false pretences,
lying about the costs - how exactly do you define that as MAGNIFICENT?
Anyway, I guess this means the days of the Republican party
as a bastion of fiscal responsibility are well and truly over
since they're now practically orgasmic at the possibility of
throwing good money after bad. Oh and by the way - as George
W. Bush is so fond of saying, that's your money.
Speaking of Halliburton, as we were a moment ago, a recent
Reuters report indicates that they're making out like, well,
bandits in Iraq. The current cost of their no-competition
contract to repair Iraq's oilfields is just
shy of $1 billion - around $200 million dollars higher
than projected last month. Meanwhile - if you can believe
this - Halliburton is having such trouble getting the oilfields
restored that the United States is currently importing
oil into Iraq, which is costing the U.S. taxpayer around $6
million per day. So much for Our Great Leader's claim
that we'd be paying for the war using Iraqi oil revenues.
Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg, Brown & Root has also
managed to incur around $1 billion in costs. Incidentally,
when Halliburton's no-competition contract expires next month
the Army Corps of Engineers will be awarding two new contracts
for the long-term rebuilding of Iraq's oilfields. And while
a Corps spokesman last week "declined to disclose the
number or identity of bidders," one of the companies
bidding will be... you guessed it - Kellogg, Brown & Root.
Gee, I wonder who's going to get those new contracts?
When is a news show not a news show? Why, when it's the Howard
Stern Show of course. Yup, I think I can state pretty confidently
that the Howard Stern Show is not a news show - but
don't tell that to the FCC. Last week the FCC ruled
that Arnold Schwarzenegger could appear on the Howard Stern
Show without Stern having to offer equal time to all the other
candidates in the recall election. Why? Because according
to the FCC, Howard Stern's interview with the groping Austrian
beefcake qualifies as a "bona fide news interview."
So what's next? Can we expect to see the The McLaughlin Group
offering up a spot of naked Twister? Or perhaps Tim Russert
dressing as a superhero whose special power is breaking wind?
We can but hope...
So Showtime's blatant propaganda puff piece "DC 9/11:
Time of Crisis" has come and gone, and the reviews are
spectacular...ly bad. Salon.com ran a review
by someone who should know 9/11 better than most - World Trade
Center widow Kristen Breitweiser. "This film is rated
half of a fighter jet - since that is about what we got for
our nation's defense on the morning of Sept. 11, 2001,"
was one of the better things Breitweiser had to say about
the movie. Meanwhile Washington Post TV critic Tom
Shales thought the movie was "simultaneously dull
and disgraceful," "pure fantasy," and "so
slanted that it risks sliding right off the screen."
Odd really - from what I understand Stalin was particularly
keen on this kind of cinematic propaganda, and I certainly
wasn't expecting the Bush adminstration to follow in his
footsteps... ha ha. Incidentally, I got an email last
week from DC 9/11's John Henley, the actor that played the
poor firefighter Bush megaphoned
on top of a pile of rubble at Ground Zero. And you know what?
He was very nice.
Ya gotta love the way staunch conservatives can simply shrug
off personal responsibility whenever they feel like it. I mean,
it's not like they're constantly preaching about it or anything.
And that's why ya gotta love the Nuge. It was revealed
last week that a woman is suing Ted Nugent over child support
for her 8-year-old son that she says Nugent fathered. Apparently
the woman's lawyer claims that Nugent "acknowledges"
that the child is his but has only paid "minimal"
child support since he was born: "Given the fact he's worth
millions and millions of dollars, he's paying the amount someone
making about $20,000 per year would pay." The woman is
also suing for official custody of the child - which is sensible,
since Ted would probably let him loose in the woods and give
him a one hour head start before coming after him with a crossbow.
For Academic Freedom
Did you think you'd ever see a day when conservative Republicans
were endorsing affirmative action? Well hold on to your hats,
day is here! Of course, this isn't quite the kind of affirmative
action that you're familiar with. According to the Rocky
Mountain News, "Next year, the GOP leadership hopes
to implement the 'Academic Bill of Rights,' which sets out
'to secure the intellectual independence of faculty and students
and to protect the principle of intellectual diversity.'"
And what does that mean exactly? Well, it simply means forcing
colleges to accept more conservative professors. The "brain"
(and I use that word loosely) behind this plan belongs to
David Horowitz, whose innocent-sounding group Students for
Academic Freedom thinks that "Universities should not
be indoctrination centers for the political left." You
know, I think he's right. What this country needs is more
indoctrination centers for the political right. I mean,
when you only have the presidency, the House, the Senate,
cable TV news, and an entire national talk radio syndicate,
what you really need is an affirmative action plan for those
poor downtrodden white male conservative professors who are
currently being left out in the cold. I mean, they're not
asking for special treatment here, right? Only equality.
Montana Family Coalition
The Montana Family Coalition - aka The Montana Bunch Of Conservative
Homophobes With Too Much Time On Their Hands Coalition - last
week announced plans for a media
campaign against "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy."
Julie Millam, head of the Montana Family Coalition, called
the show "outrageous,'' a ''joke,'' and said, "To
me, that's not a reality show about gay people. A really good
reality show for gay people would be five gay men dying of
AIDS." Yeah, that would be, uh, really good. "We
don't want to see (gay content) on every single TV show,"
said Millam. "I'm hearing from people left and right,
that every time they turn on the TV it's something to do with
gay people. It's not reality." That's right - get thee
hence and stuff yourselves back in the closet, weirdos! My
guess is that at this point America is probably not crying
out for "really good" shows featuring gay men dying
of AIDS, but I can understand that Millam would prefer to
see more shows which focus on the traditional aspects of the
sacred bond of marriage. You know, like "Married by America"
or "Who Wants To Marry A Multi-Millionaire?" or
"Bachelorettes in Alaska."
Southern Military Institute
Progress can be a tricky thing, particularly if you're one
of those folks who doesn't like women or black people very
much. It was announced
last week that Michael Guthrie of Madison, Alabama, is planning
to start a new organization called the Southern Military Institute,
modeled on the old Virginia Military Institute and The Citadel.
"Southern traditions that have been tarnished and almost
lost will live again," says the group's website, which
in this case apparently means "no women allowed."
"We believe that education in a military environment
is assisted by male bonding," said the SMI's vice president
Jack Daniel... although he failed to specify whether the insititute
would be implementing a "don't ask don't tell" policy.
Oh, by the way, I almost forgot to mention that Michael Guthrie
is a former member of the League
of the South, a charming organization which believes that
it's time the poor, downtrodden white man started standing
up to those uppity blacks. Still, the SMI will be a private
organization, and as such, they're free to choose their admission
policy. Not that it's going to stop me from calling them idiots,
Drug Enforcement Administration
And finally, while George W. Bush can't find Osama bin Laden
or Saddam Hussein, his misadministration is making good progress
tracking down and prosecuting domestic terrorists like Tommy
Chong. The 65-year-old actor was sentenced
last week to 9 months in federal prison and fined $20,000
for selling his line of bongs and pipes. Phew, now I can finally
sleep soundly at night knowing that an evildoer like Chong
is safely behind bars. And I expect every man, woman and child
in America will feel more secure knowing that this elderly
gentleman is off the streets. In fact, now that I know Chong's
evil "weapons of grass destruction" are out of commission,
I'm going to take the plastic sheeting and duct tape off my
windows. Honestly, do we really need to spend $87 billion
on Iraq when we can solve the problem of Homeland Security
simply by locking up aging comedians for flogging bongs? See
you next week...
a Conservative for Next Week's List
The Top Ten Conservative Idiots is now on the radio!
The ieAmerica Radio Network is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo
Conservatives" - excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+
year radio veteran Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast
markets from the Midwest to the west coast including an overseas
hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience
was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed
by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a
local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal
roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota
state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest
in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history."
You can drop him a line at DeanRandall1@aol.com
- and don't forget to tune into the ieAmerica
Radio Network to hear "Cuckoo Conservatives!"