Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 124)
week's edition of the Top Ten Conservative Idiots is dedicated
Baron, anti-Bush heroine and coiner of our favorite new
Dubya nickname, "Whistle-Ass." So here we go: the
Whistle-Ass Administration takes the number one spot this
week, since they're now apparently suggesting that Saddam's
ex-spies are providing better intelligence than the CIA and
MI6 combined. The Republican Party (2) are demonstrating their
true patriotism. Brit Hume (3) tells lies. And Marc Racicot
(4) has just gone, well, nuts. Meanwhile Arnold Schwarzenegger
(6) has an enormous penis, Fox News (7) likes the sound of
that, and The White House Press Corps (9) has just lost any
shred of credibility they may have had left. Enjoy, and don't
forget the key!
Want to hear the misAdministration's latest excuse for the
lack of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? I'm warning you:
this excuse is so weak that if you asked it to walk ten paces
it would say "Screw that, I'm going back to bed."
Okay, here goes. Administration officials said last week that
they are suddenly concerned that all the bullet-proof, solid-as-a-lump-of-titanium
evidence they'd gathered about WMD may have actually been
stinking, rotten lies passed on to them by - gasp -
double agents. That's right, the Administration is now
alledging that Saddam Hussein sent out spies to spread false
rumors that Iraq was in possession of WMD, thus forcing the
United States to tip its hand and invade. I'm sorry, I'm writing
this down but it's just making no sense. Saddam Hussein sent
spies to convince U.S. intelligence officials that he had
WMD when he really didn't, so that we would invade
his country, remove him from power, kill his sons, and kill
him if we ever got our hands on him? And we were completely
fooled by this ruse? I actually can't believe the Administration
has sunk this low. It's pathetic. Oh, and by the way,
guess where this latest information has come from: believe
it or not, "former Iraqi intelligence agents." Boy,
all that British intelligence must have really sucked if our
government is now relying on the word of people who used
to spy for Saddam Hussein to convince America that we
were right to invade Iraq. What next?
Next time you hear a Republican complaining about how Democrats
are un-American, ask them this question: why is the Republican
its fundraising activity to Asia? That's right, believe it
or not, and despite the patriotic God-Bless-America rhetoric
the party likes to spew, the GOP is using call centers in
Gurgaon and Noida in India to raise funds for the party and
for George Whistle-Ass Bush's presidential campaign. "Enthusiastic
fund-raisers" in India will now be cold-calling American
familes (probably either right around dinner-time or at six
o'clock in the morning) using a panhandling process which
involves a "high degree of automation in order to limit
human intervention." So basically the GOP is employing
robots in India to try and scrounge money off of Americans.
How patriotic. Seems to me that we have plenty of unemployed
people in America right now who could do this job, but then
that would probably be too expensive and you can hardly
blame the GOP for wanting to look abroad for cheap labor.
I mean, duh. Geez, you'd think we wanted them to stimulate
the economy or something. Not that most of the unemployed
people in America are going to want to do jack shit for George
Whistle-Ass Bush anyway, and rightly so. Hey, I have a question:
if the Republican Party is leaving America, does that mean
they don't love it any more...?
Thanks to our friends at Buzzflash
for pointing this one out. Fox News anchor Brit Hume was spotted
recently telling his viewers in an oh-so-fair-and-balanced
way that American soldiers are less likely to be murdered
in Iraq than regular Americans living in California. See?
Our troops are perfectly safe! So how does Mr. Hume come to
this conclusion? Why, like any fair-and-balanced journalist
should - in a thoroughly scientific, common sense manner.
Here's Brit's theory:
since Iraq is "roughly the same geographical size"
as California, and 6.6 Americans are murdered every day in
California compared to 1.7 Americans in Iraq, isn't it obvious
that Americans are safer in Iraq? Well sure, if you use the
completely bogus "land area" argument that conservatives
like to trot out at disturbingly regular intervals (see the
that claims Bush won the 2000 election by a landslide). However,
since there are 38 million Americans in California and only
170,000 in Iraq, it turns out that Americans are actually
66 times more likely to die in Iraq. It's no surprise
that Fox News (new motto: Wholly Without Merit) wants to downplay
the deaths of American soldiers in Iraq - after all, they
and their viewers positioned themselves as the only real pro-Americans
in the the United States. Now it's not looking quite so pro-American
to unquestioningly support George Whistle-Ass Bush, they're
getting a little desperate. But Brit Hume is supposed to be
a journalist for crying out loud. Fair and balanced?
He should despise himself for misleading the public in such
a fashion. It's hard to imagine even Rush Limbaugh sinking
Get ready to jump out of your seat and kick the cat! According
to the Associated Press, George Whistle-Ass Bush's presidential
campaign is "appealing for donations by portraying Bush
as a fund-raising underdog." But... but... but... isn't
Bush on target to raise an unprecedented $200 million dollars
for his campaign? Isn't he holding $2000-a-plate fundraising
dinners all over the place? Didn't he smash fundraising records
during his previous campaign? Pah! According to campaign chairman
Marc Racicot, all of that is completely irrelevant. In a fundraising
email to supporters, Racicot wrote (added emphasis mine):
"Democrats and their allies will have more money to spend
attacking the president during the nomination battle than
we will have to defend him. Cough-bullshit-cough."
Look, if the people who support the GOP are really this
gullible, they damn well deserve George W. Bush for another
four years. Mind
you, it's not really any surprise that Bush's campaign is
reaching out to supporters by appealing to utter stupidity.
After all, that is their target demographic.
Diebold, the company which manufactures electronic voting
machines that are in use in several states, have been walking
a particularly fine line recently considering accusations
that their machines are easily hacked/reprogrammed to alter
voting totals after an election. But a recent revelation
alleges a startling motive for the dubious security surrounding
their machines. It turns out that Wally O'Dell, CEO of Diebold
Inc., sent out fundraising letters last week to Ohio Republicans
asking them to donate $10,000 towards an Ohio Republican Party
event at his home. Yup. The CEO of a company that makes voting
machines is holding Republican Party events at his house.
Boy, that doesn't sound like a conflict of interest.
But check this out: O'Dell says in his letter that he is "committed
to helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the President
next year." Holy Possibility Of Foul Play, Batman! Can
this guy be serious? Let's just check the facts one
more time: Wally O'Dell is the CEO of Diebold, which makes
voting machines which are alleged to be easy to hack. Wally
O'Dell says that he is "committed to helping Ohio deliver
its electoral votes to the President next year." Excuse
me, I have to go pick my jaw up off the floor.
So we still don't know a great deal about Arnold's plans for
California should he become governor, but we do know this: he's
got a great big penis and he's not afraid to use it. Well, so
he says. According to an interview
in Playboy spinoff Oui magazine back in 1977, Arnold
has partaken in bodybuilder orgies (ewww - how much grease do
you need for something like that?) and has also acknowledged
that the ladies used to be fascinated by "little Conan."
Said the gubernatorial hopeful, "Women have told me they're
curious about its size - you know, outgoing chicks who're just
trying to be outrageous or horny. I hear all kind of lines,
including 'Oh, you're hurting me; you're so big.' But it means
nothing. Bodybuilders' cocks are the same size as everyone else's."
Really? Is that before or after they pump themselves
full of steroids? Because I've heard rumors about that stuff
you know. Oh and by the way, if you want to amuse your friends
just read the previous quote again, this time out loud in an
outrageous Austrian accent. Guaranteed laughs, I'm telling ya.
Anyway, here's some more classic Arnold, this time on women's
issues: "I can look at a chick who's a little out of shape and
if she turns me on, I won't hesitate to date her. If she's a
good fuck, she can weigh 150 pounds, I don't care." Impressive
stuff. Sadly though, while Arnold is clearly a true believer
in equality for women (as long as they're a "good fuck")
he's not so keen on equality for gays. Appearing on Sean Hannity's
show last week - well, I say "show" but as far as
entertainment goes I think I'd rather be forced to listen to
a three-hour-long greaseless bodybuilder orgy - Mr. Schwarzenegger
that "gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."
See that? A simple solution to a complex problem. Give this
guy the governor's job already!
While we're on the subject of Arnold Schwarzenegger, it's
probably worth taking a look a last week's Drudge Report.
Apparently Fox News honcho John Murphy is sick
and tired of all the puns being made about Arnold and
has ordered his news reporters to stop it. So if you want
to hear more "Total Recall" and "Running Man"
gags, you're going to have to go somewhere else. But do we
detect a little desperation from Fox News here? Could it be
that they are worried that people won't take their candidate
seriously? According to Drudge, Moody wrote in an internal
Fox memo last week, "The urge may seem irresistible to play
off Arnold Schwarzenegger's acting career ... Resist it. Otherwise
the effect is often to belittle the candidacy of the front-runner
for one of the most important offices in the U.S., and that's
not fair and balanced ... Certainly don't suggest he is part
of a 'circus' or lump him in with novelty candidates."
What, Arnold "Oh, you're hurting me, you're so big"
Schwarzenegger, a novelty candidate? Perish the thought.
Here's a great piece of news for working Americans, just in
time for Labor Day: if you're one of the millions of Americans
who relies on being paid time-and-a-half for overtime work,
the Bush administration would like to say SCREW YOU, BUD!
Yes, Elaine Chao announced a new Whistle-Ass plan last week
which will end time-and-a-half for good. You won't have heard
about this because it's buried deep inside the Federal Reigster,
but Greg Palast has an excellent
account on his website. Apparently while the plan will
end overtime pay for veterans (nice, huh?), it does extend
benefits to certain employees - and then promptly tells business
owners how to avoid federal law, by simply paying those employees
time-and-a-half and then reducing their overall pay so they
don't actually make any extra money. Sounds like "pulling
yourself up by the bootstraps" might get a whole lot
harder once Bush and Co. are done with this country.
White House Press Corps
If you thought the media was supposed to be a guardian of
our freedoms, the trusted protector of truth and honesty,
well... where have you been, Mars? Wake up and smell the coffee!
Last week Our Great Leader invited the White House press corps
to a little barbecue at his pig farm - um, I mean, ranch -
in Crawford, Texas. Of course, these stalwart journalists
all declined the invitation on the grounds that it might impair
their objectivity if they were seen to be cavorting with the
president. Did I just write that? In your dreams did they
to the Washington Post, "...some 50 journalists
and camera crews, along with a dozen aides and as many Secret
Service agents, piled into a half-dozen white vans for the
drive to the heavily fortified Bush ranch" where they
loaded up on "beer from coolers and Australian (read:
not French) red wine," not to mention "fried chicken,
potato salad, coleslaw, jalapeno biscuits and peach cobbler."
And what was discussed at this little shindig? I'm afraid
we can't tell you, because Bush insisted that all conversations
were strictly off the record. Although allegedly the journalists
were "forced to acknowledge that Prairie Chapel Ranch
is not such an awful place after all." Right. So the
real question is, what self-respecting journalist would sacrifice
their credibility for the opportunity to schmooze with Whistle-Ass
for a few hours? Answer: all of them, apparently.
And finally: Jack Clemmons, superintendent of the Lubbock
(Texas) Independent School District last year banned students
from forming a Gay Straight Alliance group (purpose: "to
provide support for gay and straight students and promote
equality in the school system and community"). Managing
to roll ignorance and bigotry into a nice neat ball, Clemmons
said "I would have denied other clubs whose basis was
sex. I would have denied a Bestiality Club. I would have denied
a Gigolo Club. I would have denied a Prostitute Club."
How about a hypocrisy club? Jack Clemmons could be the founding
member. See, while the superintendent was busy banning all
things sex-related in his school district, he was apparently
conducting an extra-marital
affair with an employee on school property, and using
school computers to send her dirty emails. The emails turned
up as part of a lawsuit which Lambda Legal is filing on behalf
of the Gay Straight Alliance group against the Lubbock Independent
School District - the messages were written on school computers,
so by law they are part of the public record. I know you're
dying for a sample, so here goes: "You should know by
now that I mean that I will begin by giving you a kiss but
that it will soon lead to a..." Nah, that one's pretty
boring. How about: "I will give you an additional $500.00
... If you will get totally naked with me here in the office.
What do you think? I am serious. You would have to be naked
and allow me to..." Stop right there! I've heard enough!
The really funny thing is that apparently less than
five hours after he wrote that last email, Clemmons appeared
on local TV to defend the school district's abstinence-only
sex education policy. Ah, conservatives. Hours and hours of
free entertainment. See you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List