Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 114)
Mission Accomplished Edition
correct me if I'm wrong, but I could swear I saw Dubya standing
in front of a big "Mission Accomplished" banner
a couple of weeks ago. Well, mission ain't accomplished folks,
which is why the Bush administration are in the number one
slot this week. Meanwhile, Congressional Republicans (2) are
trying hard to downplay any investigations into the missing
WMD scandal, Tom DeLay (4) is up to all kinds of shenanigans,
and Larry Craig (5) shows us what Republicans really mean
when they say "support the troops." Bringing up
the rear we have Trent Lott (7), who thinks people will be
interested to read his autobiography (they won't), Halliburton
(8), who are cashing in nicely on the war in Iraq, and George
W. Bush (10) who... well... you'll see! Enjoy, and don't forget
Last week Donald Rumsfeld said
that while the intelligence community agrees that Iran does
not have nuclear weapons, "the assessment is that they
do have a very active programme and are likely to have nuclear
weapons in a relatively short period of time." Ah yes,
the intelligence community. What, is Iran stockpiling aluminum
tubes? Have they been shipping uranium
from Niger? Are they ready to deploy in 45
minutes? Thank goodness we're right next door in Iraq,
so we can put a stop to Iran's nefarious weapons of mass destruction
trickery - or liberate their people, whichever happens to
be most politically convenient at the time. Mind you, we might
have to finish the job in Iraq first, since it's starting
to look a bit messy,
what with ten US soldiers being killed in just the last two
weeks. And there I was thinking that the mission
was accomplished - I mean, I haven't seen any "support
the troops" rallies for a while. Still, at least we've
got the oil
flowing again. Or have
we? Either, way, it's probably more important than making
sure they've got food
and water. Yep, now we've freed Iraq just like we freed
Afghanistan, and now that we've brought peace
to Israel and Palestine, it's probably time to head to
Iran and show them who's boss. No, wait, not Iran - North
Korea! Boy, it sure is exciting to watch this administration
at work. Thank goodness the grown-ups are in charge.
Congressional Republicans are suddenly claiming
that Democratic calls for a full-blown investigation into
the administration's WMD lies are "simply politics for
political gain." But for whose political gain?
While Democrats want any investigation to be open to the public
- as it surely should be - Republicans want to hold secret
hearings behind closed doors, as usual. Doesn't anyone find
it odd that the GOP consistently wants to perform the
business of the American people in some smoky backroom? Dick
Cheney's energy policy meetings, the 9/11 investigations -
what is it they don't want us to know? Those Bastards!
But it's okay, because fortunately we have stand-up Republicans
like Senator John Warner on the case, who claims that "the
evidence that I have examined does not rise to give the presumption
that anyone in this administration has hyped or cooked or
embellished such evidence to a particular purpose." Phew,
well that's put my mind at ease. Case closed.
Senator Ted Kennedy gave Our Great Leader a slap in the face
last week when he refused
to attend a White House speech on the "No Child Left
Behind" act. Why? Well obviously because millions of
children are being left behind by Bush's policies.
"They simply won't cough up the resources to make school
reform work," said Kennedy. No surprise really, since
the federal deficit is predicted
to exceed $400 billion this year, the largest in history.
And that means no money for all the grand things that Bush
has promised us, like decent schools and homeland security.
But hey, with that $400 you're getting back this year surely
you can just buy some more duct tape and plastic sheeting
and make yourself a nice secure location to home-school your
kids in. Unless you're really poor, of course, in which
case you can just drop dead for all Bush cares. Yes, Our Great
Leader is certainly running the country like a business. Shame
it's turning out just like all his other businesses - a complete
It's a double whammy for Tom this week. The Hammer has been
caught with his trousers down - along with fellow Republicans
Rep. Billy Tauzin, Rep. Joe Barton, and Sen. Richard Shelby
- in a quid pro quo spat involving favors for Kansas utility
company Westar. According
to the Associated Press, "Westar was seeking a federal
exemption from regulatory oversight, which could have helped
save the company billions of dollars" and allegedly gave
$55,000 in campaign donations to the aforementioned Republicans
to make it happen. Guess what? It happened. Meanwhile, Tom
firm on his policy of robbing the poor to feed the rich,
defying White House calls to expand the child tax credit for
low-income families without increasing the current tax cut
to even more insane and unsustainable levels. Tom's response?
"Ain't going to happen." Yup - unless he gets to give even
more money to millionaires, the poor can just go rot. Now
that's what I call compassionate conservatism.
Here's one more example of how Republican warmongers support
the war, but don't support the troops. Senator Larry Craig
of Idaho has blocked the promotions of 850 officers in the
U.S. Air Force. According to the New York Times, the
promotions were denied to officers at all levels, including
young pilots who fought in Iraq and even a general. So what,
exactly, did these officers do to deserve such treatment?
Absolutely nothing. You see, Senator Craig is having a hissy
fit because the Air Force won't station four cargo planes
at an Air National Guard base in Boise. Apparently, Craig
thought that "supporting the troops" included "using
them as pawns in petty power trips." Blackmail: it's
the Republican way.
With the release of Hillary's memoir Living History,
the pundits have been in full Clinton-bashing mode, and one
of the loudest was Time magazine columnist Margaret
Carlson, who kept popping up on cable to pile on with everyone
else. But Carlson had an ulterior motive. She was piggybacking
onto the release of Hillary's Book (Amazon sales rank: 3)
to give a shot in the arm to anemic sales of her own, Anyone
Can Grow Up: How George Bush and I Made It to the White House
(Amazon sales rank: 8,637). Kudos to The Daily Howler for
their first rate skewering of Carlson's lies and spin (here
about the Clintons. Our personal favorite: in her book, Carlson
says, "In high school, friends say [Bill Clinton] was too
undisciplined and flabby to play sports, so instead he played
sax in the band. He skated through college, borrowed Hillaryís
notes at Yale Law, and lost his first political race because
he ran an uneven campaign." But here's Carlson back in 1991:
"Clinton was Hopeís Doogie Howser, succeeding at everything
he tried, the darling of his teachers and one of the first
from the area to go to college. He got his bachelorís degree
at Georgetown University, won a Rhodes scholarship to Oxford,
then went on to Yale Law School, where he met his wife Hillary.
By 1979, 32 years old and back in Arkansas, he was the youngest
Governor in the country." Apparently back in '91 Carlson hadn't
yet learned that Clinton-bashing was a lucrative business.
Speaking of books, it looks like someone
else might be writing one. Disgraced former Senate Majority
Leader Trent Lott got the idea as his Senate colleague from
the Great State of New York dominated last week's headlines
and tore up the bestseller lists. And who can blame him? If
everyone wants to read about a former first lady, surely they'd
like to hear all about some washed-up old racist. "I'm
going to tell all," said the Mississippi Hair Helmet.
"Whoo-ee, there are going to be a lot of nervous people
around here." Whoo-ee, indeed! One can only imagine the
embarrassing dirt that Trent's got: "I was sad when Alan
Keyes lost his bid for Senate. We could use a good shoe-shine
boy in the Republican cloakroom." ... "I got onto
the Congressional bus, and Maxine Waters refused to give up
her seat. The nerve!" ... "The billowy white curtains
in the Senate washroom were exquisite..."
Well spank me with a haddock and call me Maureen. Who could
possibly have predicted this? It turns out that "Halliburton's
contract to restart Iraq's oil production has doubled in cost
over the past month, and the no-bid work may last longer than
to the Associated Press. Oh, and while the Army originally
said that a new contract would be awarded through competitive
bidding by August (since Halliburton got the gig without having
to compete) they've suddenly changed their minds. You know,
I'm stunned. I would never in a million years have
guessed that Dick Cheney's former company would somehow manage
to get a non-competitive, open-ended, no-ceiling contract
to rebuild the country that their ex-CEO just destroyed. I
mean, how could an administration of such honor, ethics and
integrity possibly allow this to happen? Uh... oh, right.
I just figured it out.
Looks like it might be time to close the book on Philip Giordano,
the ex-mayor of Waterbury, Connecticut, who has been featured
many times on this list. Giordano, a Republican who ran for
Joe Lieberman's senate seat in 2000, was sentenced last week
years in prison for forcing two 8 and 10 year old girls
to perform oral sex on him in his City Hall office. U.S. District
Judge Alan Nevas said "This case is the worst I have
ever seen," while passing sentence on Giordano. Nevas
was originally going to sentence Giordano to a federal sex
offender treatment unit, but decided there was no point because
"They only help people who admit what they've done."
Still, I'm sure we can all take comfort in the knowledge that
where Giordano's going, he'll be getting plenty of "treatment."
And finally: "Using a Segway is so intuitive that it feels
as though the thing has somehow been plugged into your central
nervous system." Not my words - the words of Fortune
Unfortunately the manufacturers of Segway appear
to have reckoned without the central nervous system of a man
who can knock himself out with a pretzel.
Segway time! Yeehaw! Watch me pop a wheelie on this mother."
I meant to do that."
you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List