Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 108)
Callsign "Alpha Whiskey Oscar Lima"
Goin'-right-in-to-the-DANGERZONE! Yes, Dubya tops the
list this week for spending lots of taxpayer money on a photo-op,
wasting the time of thousands of sailors who were just trying
to get home, and pretending that he did something other than
tequila slammers and kegstands during Vietnam. Meanwhile Rick
Santorum (3) returns to the list as the fallout from his homophobic
comments fails to dissipate, Bill Frist (4) and Bill Bennett
(5) are giant hypocrites, and Bill O'Reilly (7) is losing
ground in the fight for the braindead right. Yup, we've gotta
lotta Bills this week. Bringing up the rear are Jay Garner
(8) who has quite simply gone mad, and Chris Matthews (10)
who wins the DU Brown Nose Award for the umpteenth time. Enjoy,
and as usual, here's the key.
You could almost smell
the media whores' excitement as the plane carrying George
W. Bush touched down on the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln
last week. And what a stench it was. Bush was flown out to
the Lincoln to declare the end of hostilities in Iraq (So,
did we win? We found the weapons of mass destruction, right?
We've got Saddam in custody, yes?) and managed to perform
a stunningly shameful photo-op at the same time. Here was
a man who not only dodged Vietnam through his daddy's connections,
but also didn't
even bother showing up for most of his National Guard
service, being flown to an aircraft carrier full of REAL servicepeople
just to boost his approval ratings. And how did Compassionate
demonstrate his support for the troops? Simple: he delayed
their return to their families by one
whole day, just so he could give himself a hard-on playing
Top Gun. During his speech on the carrier, Bush continued
to promote the falsehood that Iraq was behind the September
11 attack, declaring that "the Battle of Iraq is one victory
in a war on terror that began on Sept. 11, 2001." Bush was
thoughtfully provided with an airsickness bag for his flight
to the carrier, leaving millions of Americans scrambling to
find their own vomit receptacles.
While Dubya may not know Osama bin Laden's location, he certainly
knows where the rest of the bin Laden family is - they're
heavily invested in the rebuilding of Iraq. That's right,
the family of the world's-most-notorious-terrorist-who-we're-gonna-catch-dead-or-alive
is going to reap the taxpayer-funded rewards of Our Great
Leader linking their prodigal son to Saddam Hussein. The
New Yorker reported
last week that there is a "new and demonstrable connection...that
a money trail runs - albeit rather circuitously - from the
lucrative business of rebuilding Iraq to the fortune behind
Osama bin Laden." The bin Ladens apparently have ten
million dollars invested in the Fremont Group - a former subsidiary
of Bechtel, which is currently majority-owned by "the
Bechtel family." (Bechtel is the company selected to
receive billions of taxpayer dollars to rebuild Iraq - see
Idiots 107.) Gee, I'm so glad
the Bush administration is doing what it can to crack down
Rick topped the chart last week for his idiotic comments on
homosexuality, and he's back with a vengeance this week.
Sen. Santorum held a meeting
with four of his constituents last week - parents of gay children
who were infuriated by his comments equating homosexuality
with bestiality and incest. While a spokesperson for the senator
described the meeting as "a very professional and polite exchange,"
the parents had a different take, describing Santorum as "condescending,
belligerent, argumentative and arrogant." But it looks like
they got the better of Rick, who obviously can dish it out
but can't take it. After being berated by the parents, Santorum
apparently "left in a hurry, tripping over a chair."
Bigoted and cowardly - no wonder he's the third highest
ranking Republican in the Senate!
And you thought the adults were back in charge. Whining Bill
off last week over the Democrats' continued filibustering
of GOP-nominated judges, suggesting that - get this - "It
certainly could be taken to court." That's funny, I thought
the GOP were constantly trying paint the Democrats
as the party of trial lawyers. Unless things don't go their
way of course, and then it's "we'll see you in court."
And if you think that's lame, get this - Frist also
said, "If filibusters are going to be made part of the
judicial nominee process, I think you will see increasing
discussion over whether the rules should be changed." Hilarious.
The GOP can't get its way, and all of a sudden they want to
change the rules. Shucks, if I recall correctly the Republican
party's rallying cry during Election 2000 was you can't
change the rules, pal, no way, no how. What a steaming
pile of hypocrisy.
So, William Bennett, moral crusader, champion of personal
responsibility, author of The Death of Outrage and
The Book of Virtues, and constant critic of Bill Clinton's
personal failings: how does it feel to be exposed
as a gambling addict? Apparently Bill Bennett - who has built
a career on pointing out the moral delinquency of others -
is not a big fan of practicing what he preaches. But hey,
he's a conservative so no surprises there. According to the
Washington Monthly, "Bennett has been a high-roller
since at least the early 1990s...documents show that in one
two-month period, Bennett wired more than $1.4 million to
cover losses...just three weeks ago, on April 5 and 6, he
lost more than $500,000 at the Bellagio in Las Vegas."
As one casino source put it, "There's a term in the trade
for this kind of gambler. We call them losers." Well, quite.
County High School Students
Looks like Trent Lott wasn't the only person wishing for a
return to the days of segregation. Last week it was announced
that students at Taylor County High School, Georgia - which
last year held its first integrated prom in 31 years - would
be holding a separate whites-only prom again this year. There
will still be an integrated prom, but there has been no shortage
of demand for tickets to the segregated party. Why will there
be a separate prom? According
to the Associated Press, because "in part because they
wanted to avoid problems arising from interracial dating."
That such thinking still exists in America today is shameful,
but to see it ingrained in high school students is particularly
Oh dear. In the heated competition for the hearts and minds
- well, whatever it is that passes for minds - of brainwashed
conservatives everywhere, Bill O'Reilly is looking like the
big loser. Matt Drudge gleefully published
the latest Arbitron ratings on his website last week, which
showed that O'Reilly's radio show ratings trailed Rush Limbaugh
in the same time slot by as much as 5,000%.
Looks like Bill is going to have to tell an awful lot more
lies if he hopes to catch up with El Rushbo. Speaking of big
losers, the Arbitron ratings also showed that Republican talk-show
host Neal Boortz's listening audience is now down to three
toothless inbreds and a sheep named Derek.
Jay Garner, the new King of Iraq, seems to have gotten a bit
carried away with the American forces' performance in Iraq.
He was so proud that hardly any oilfields were damaged during
the fighting that he recently proclaimed,
"We ought to be beating our chests every day. We ought to
look in a mirror and get proud and stick out our chests and
suck in our bellies and say: 'Damn, we're Americans!'." Garner
then proceeded to wrap himself in an American flag and writhe
on the ground screaming "The Star Spangled Banner"
at the top of his lungs before urinating on himself and passing
Alabama State Legislature
Stop the presses: sex toys are still illegal in Alabama. According
to the Associated Press, "The Alabama House voted against
a bill Tuesday that would have removed a ban on sexual devices,
such as vibrators, from the state's obscenity law." So
if you're looking for a bit of fun with your loved one, don't
try it in Alabama or you're likely to have your butt thrown
in jail, plugs and all.
And finally, Chris Matthews' appearance last week on "Countdown
with Keith Olbermann" was just one
long sycophantic orgy of Bush brown-nosing. You could
almost hear the drool dripping from Tweety's mouth as he described
Our Great Leader as a cross between John Wayne and Brad Pitt.
"We're proud of our president. Americans love having
a guy as president, a guy who has a little swagger, who's
physical, who's not a complicated guy like Clinton or even
like Dukakis or Mondale, all those guys, McGovern. They want
a guy who's president. Women like a guy who's president. Check
it out. The women like this war. I think we like having a
hero as our president. Itís simple." But Matthews went
too far with this comment on Bush's Top Gun moment: "Imagine
Joe Lieberman in this costume, or even John Kerry. Nobody
looks right in the role Bush has set for the presidency -
commander-in-chief, medium height, medium build, looks good
in a jet pilotís costume - or uniform, rather." Oh yeah?
Perhaps Matthews should take a look at this picture of John
look, there he is in his military "costume", having
a medal pinned on him for courageous service in Vietnam. Got
any pictures of Dubya being honored for his valor in combat,
Chris? Got any pictures of him being awarded a medal for bravery
in the line of fire? No? Well, I guess we'll just have to
make do with this one instead:
you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List