Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 106)
You Cannot Be Syrious Edition
Great Leader started quietly waggling his massive penis extension
- I mean, the U.S. military - again last week, earning him
the number one spot. Meanwhile Pat Robertson (2) has been
backing Dubya up with some pertinent info on the Rapture,
and the Pentagon (3) has let the horse out after blowing off
the barn doors. Elsewhere, Rush Limbaugh (5) force-feeds us
another helping of rank conservative hypocrisy, various evangelists
(6 & 7) are spreading the good word in Iraq, and Dale
Petroskey (8) steps up to the plate and takes a swing at Tim
Robbins. Enjoy, and as usual, here's the key.
All hail Our Great Conquering Leader. Now that Dubya has officially
declared victory in Iraq (despite not finding any weapons
of mass destruction, not finding Saddam Hussein, and leaving
the place on the brink of a humanitarian disaster - good job)
he's looking for someone else to rattle his saber at. And
our next victim appears to be Syria - not officially a member
of the Axis of Evil, but close enough. Once again there's
been some typically stellar Bush diplomacy over the last week
or so. According
to the Associated Press, Bush has struck a "measured
tone" and been "careful not to threaten military
action." "We expect cooperation, and I'm hopeful we'll
receive cooperation," he told reporters last week. Or what,
George? We'll bite off their heads and crap down their necks?
So if you're looking for weapons of mass destruction or Saddam
Hussein, forget Iraq - Syria is the place to be. And presumably
if we don't find any sarin gas or mustachioed ex-dictators,
we'll suddenly be "liberating the Syrian people."
I'm sure they'll be thrilled.
But if you think that a mad hunt for so-far-invisible weapons
and pathetic fat evil guys with penchants for shooting rifles
in the air while wearing trilbies is a bad reason for invading
various Arab countries, then Pat Robertson has another persuasive
argument for you. It seems that Pat has discovered a "cryptic"
bible verse in the Book of Isaiah: "In that day there
will be a highway from Egypt to Assyria. The Assyrians will
go to Egypt and the Egyptians to Assyria. The Egyptians and
Assyrians will worship together. In that day, Israel will
be the third, along with Egypt and Assyria, a blessing on
the earth. The Lord Almighty will bless them saying, 'Blessed
be Egypt my people, Assyria my handiwork, and Israel my inheritance.'"
So what are we to make of all this to-ing and fro-ing of Egyptians
and Assyrians? Well according to Pat, who was also kind enough
to provide maps,
it means that we need to bomb the pants off of Syria. And
why is that? Because, silly, Pat reckons that it'll bring
us closer to the "end days." Oh, well - that's...
In the rush to conquer Iraq the Pentagon overlooked (or just
plain ignored) the warnings of scholars who predicted that
Iraq's national treasures would be in grave danger. Their
predictions proved to be true as lawlessness broke out in
Baghdad and Iraqi citizens looted the National Museum of Antiquities,
smashing or stealing "thousands of artifacts dating from
the founding of ancient Sumer around 3,500 B.C. to the end
of Islam's Abbasid Caliphate in 1258 A.D.," according
to the Washington Post. Don Rumsfeld didn't seem particularly
concerned: "Bad things happen in life," sympathized
the Secretary of Defense. Meanwhile Amnesty International
that the U.S. military seems to be doing a better job of protecting
Iraq's oilfields than protecting its hospitals, water systems,
and of course civilians. So when surviving Iraqi citizens
look around in a few months, they'll know that despite losing
their homes, their infrastructure, and their heritage, at
least the U.S. has managed to successfully steal their oil.
Even the most dishonest conservative (yes, I know it boggles
the mind to think about it) would have to agree that Fox News
puts a decidedly conservative slant on its coverage. Fox's claim
to be fair and balanced was effectively destroyed during the
recent war, when they sounded more like our version of Iraqi
State Television. Fox referred to peace protesters as "the
great unwashed," told people who were against the war that,
"You were sickening then, you are sickening now," and made
references to the "dopey old UN." Unfortunately, as
more and more Americans tune into Fox and turn off their brains,
the New York Times has noted
that the "Fox Effect" is rubbing off on the other
cable news networks. Michael Savage and Joe "Dead Intern"
Scarborough turned up the heat last week on MSNBC, saying that
protesters are "absolutely committing sedition, or treason,"
and that "These leftist stooges for anti-American causes
are always given a free pass." Don't worry boys, I'm sure
George W. Bush will soon figure out some way to have them all
put in prison camps. For more on Fox and friends' redefinition
of patriotism as "Do What The Government Says Or Go To
Hell," check out this excellent Media Watch video: high-band
Useless Rush seems to have taken it upon himself to lead the
recent wave of anti-war celebrity-bashing. Does it seem a
little ironic to anyone else that he should be going around
saying that entertainers shouldn't have an opinion?
Anyway, Limpballs was on the radio last week decrying
Tim Robbins' recent anti-war statements - Robbins pointed
out that it's a tad hypocritical for conservative pundits
to complain about anti-war celebrities' opinions of Bush,
when those same pundits bashed Bill Clinton day in and day
out during the war in Kosovo. Limbaugh pompously dismissed
Robbins' comments, announcing that "These are the people
that are spewing the invective at George Bush. These are the
people comparing Bush to Hitler." How sanctimonious can
you get? Perhaps Rush shouldn't be reminded of a question
he asked four times in a row on his April 5, 1999, show -
incidentally, while we were at war: "Who else bombed
Belgrade on Easter Sunday besides Bill Clinton?" The answer
is, of course, Adolf Hitler. Not that he was comparing Clinton
to Hitler or anything. Just for the record, in a recent speech
Robbins summed up his thoughts on Kosovo: "I remember
when the Columbine High School shootings happened. President
Clinton criticized Hollywood for contributing to this terrible
tragedy - this, as we were dropping bombs over Kosovo. Could
the violent actions of our leaders contribute somewhat to
the violent fantasies of our teenagers?" Hmm, sounds
pretty consistent - a concept which is obviously foreign to
So it looks like Anne Coulter is quite the prophet. Her infamous
that "We should invade their countries, kill their leaders
and convert them to Christianity" may be coming to pass.
It was revealed
last week that some Christian relief agencies preparing to
enter Iraq have announced that along with food and medicine,
they intend to pass out a healthy dose of Christian evangelism.
This worries many Muslims and Christians who fear that the
idea of such a "crusade" will simply add to growing
resentment of America in the Muslim world. The White House
has washed its hands of the matter, saying it has no control
over private groups. Funny, its done a pretty damn good job
telling the media what and what not to report over the last
month. So heck, who cares if we can't find Saddam? We're invading
their countries and converting them to Christianity, and two
out of three ain't bad.
While we're on the subject of crusades, what on earth was
the Bush administration doing asking Rev. Franklin Graham
to deliver a Good Friday message
at the Pentagon last week? Graham, son of the Rev. Billy,
was initially sympathetic towards Muslims in the wake of September
11th (we shouldn't paint Muslims with a "broad brush,"
etc.) - but changed his mind shortly after, calling Islam
"a very evil and wicked religion." George W. Bush initially
himself from the remarks, but obviously not far enough to
want to uninvite him from speaking at a government event.
And how this will help Iraqis and other Muslims to believe
the U.S. when we say this is not a war against Islam? Danged
if we know. Oh, and by the way, Franklin Graham's charity
is one of the groups mentioned in the item above this one...
Looks like Rush Limbaugh isn't the only person to have been
rubbed the wrong way by Tim Robbins. Dale Petroskey, president
of the Baseball Hall of Fame, recently canceled a 15th-anniversary
celebration of the movie "Bull Durham" because of
the anti-war stance of two of its stars, Robbins and his wife
Susan Sarandon. In a letter
to the couple, Petroskey wrote, "We believe your very public
criticism of President Bush at this important - and sensitive
- time in our nation's history helps undermine the U.S. position,
which ultimately could put our troops in even more danger.
As an institution, we stand behind our president and our troops
in this conflict." Poor Dale sounds a little confused. But
there's a twist to the story, as reported
by Buzzflash - did Marvin Bush have a hand in Petroskey's
decision? Coincidentally the two are close personal friends.
Not only that, but Petroskey - and other members of the board
- have close ties to the Bush and Reagan administrations.
But surely that couldn't have had anything to do with this
bizarre decision to blacklist Robbins and Sarandon, now could
Good old John Howard. Bursting with glee at the success of
coalition troops in Iraq, the Australian Prime Minister declared
last week that the invasion "has made the world a little
safer from terrorism." Of course it has, John, of course
it has. I mean, it's not like the entire Muslim world is now
united in its distrust and resentment of the West, is it?
And it's not like fanatics such as Osama bin Laden can use
this distrust and resentment to recruit more terrorists, is
it? And okay, we didn't solve the Israel/Palestine conflict,
but we're sure scaring the shit out of Syria. And you've got
to admit that the way coalition forces rolled over the Iraqi
military showed just what a clear and present danger Iraq
was to the world. Hoo boy, I'm glad we didn't give those weapons
inspectors another 30 days. Yes, I'd say that in the wake
of the war on Iraq, the world is a much safer, friendlier
and happier place. Now if you'll excuse me, I think they just
raised the terror threat level again so I have to go duct
tape my windows.
Conservative Club For Growth
And finally, the Conservative Club for Growth is lashing
out at moderate GOP senators Olympia Snowe and George
Voinovich because they refused to rubber-stamp Bush's lastest
and insanest $726 billion tax cut. In a TV ad which will run
for ten days in Maine and Ohio, the Club says that the two
senators "stand in the way" of the Bush agenda. Boo hoo. But
here's the stupid part - the ad features video of the senators'
images, with digitally inserted French flags flying
in the background. Brilliant. These two senators are hampering
Our Great Leader's Great Economic Toilet Flush, how dare they!
And look - they're standing next to French flags! Kill! Burn!
Destroy! Unfortunately the Conservative Club for Growth
has overlooked the fact that Maine, at least, has a large
population of French Canadian descendants who presumably don't
have much of a problem with the French flag. Whoops! See you
We would like to extend our apologies to Neal Boortz for failing
to indulge his masturbatory fantasy by not including him on
the list this week. Sorry Neal, we just don't have enough
space for the small-timers.
a Conservative for Next Week's List