Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 105)
Nothing More To See Here Edition
it, there's nothing more to see here. We won the war fair
and square, now let's send in the corporate troops to make
fat fortunes while the American taxpayer foots the bill, and
we can all get back to anticipating the latest "Michael
Jackson: My Face Isn't Falling Off, Honestly" specials
for May sweeps. Yes, Smug War Supporters are at the top of
our list this week. Elsewhere we've got Don Neddo (2), a man
who supports the soldiers so much he almost convinced himself
he was one, Norm Coleman (3) speaking ill of the dead, Fred
Phelps (6) who thinks Mr. Rogers is in hell, and Rick Schmidt
(9), who's wrapped himself so tightly in the flag that it's
cut off the oxygen to his brain (thanks Lynnesin!). Enjoy,
and as usual, here's the key.
The right-wing media was falling over itself last week to
declare victory in Iraq, and conservative idiots everywhere
were dancing in the streets. After a group of Iraqis pulled
down a statue of Saddam Hussein in Baghdad, it was declared
"V.I." day in America. Except... a G.I. made the
incredibly stupid mistake of draping an American flag over
the statue's head - for no more than 90 seconds - yet that
was the prevalent image shown in Muslim nations across the
world... fierce fighting continued in Baghdad and other cities
as American troops attempted to suppress Iraqi paramilitaries
and regular forces... uncontrollable lawlessness and looting
took hold in major Iraqi cities... Kurdish forces captured
Kirkuk, causing the Turkish government to threaten an invasion...
Iraqis in Basra held a mass protest against the man British
forces had selected to temporarily oversee the city, due to
differing religious beliefs... still no signs of weapons of
mass destruction, despite FOX News hysterical reporting to
the contrary... and still no sign of Saddam Hussein. Yep,
we sure won the war alright. And now all you pro-invasion
conservatives out there can just forget it ever happened,
and sleep soundly in your beds, safe in the knowledge that
Americans will never again be attacked by terrorists.
Don Neddo is the man responsible for some of New York state's
biggest pro-war rallies. A veteran of the 173rd Airborne Brigade
during the Korean War, he parachuted behind enemy lines and
suffered painful frostbite. The brave veteran organized pro-war
rallies in Albany, Glens Falls, Clifton Park Cambridge, and
according to the Times-Union he was "embraced
by the town's Republican Committee." But sadly Don Neddo
will not be organizing any more pro-war rallies. Because it
last week that he never really was a member of the 173rd Airborne
Brigade. He never parachuted behind enemy lines. He never
suffered frostbite. In fact, the 173rd Airborne Brigade never
even served in Korea. Yup,
if ever there was a more perfect definition of the word "chickenhawk,"
we've yet to hear it.
They say you shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but obviously
Norm Coleman didn't
get the memo. Coleman, the Republican senator for Minnesota
who won the late Paul Wellstone's seat last year, bragged
to Roll Call last week that he was a "99 per cent
improvement" over Wellstone, "just about on every
issue." Coleman must be a very insecure little man -
I mean, it's one thing to attack a fellow politician if you're
campaigning against them, but attacking them after they're
dead seems a little below the belt. An apologetic statement
was later released by Coleman's office - after 100 angry demonstrators
up at his office - but it didn't stop former Wellstone
friends and colleagues from describing the remarks as "outrageous,"
"appalling," "shameful," "self-serving,"
"selfish," "classless," "tasteless,"
and "grossly disrespectful." Sounds about right.
Here's something you won't find at a pro-war rally: police firing
"sting balls," concussion grenades and wooden projectiles
at peaceful protesters. These weapons were used to disperse
protesters at the Port of Oakland last week, and police hit
and injured scores of people - including six longshoremen who
had nothing to do with the protest - in the process. Freepers
were of course thrilled
that the government should use such brutal tactics against people
who were exercising their Constitutional rights, although the
irony of the situation was somewhat lost on them. Hey, the terrorists
won't hate us for our freedoms when we don't have any freedoms
left, right? Take a look at these photos and decide for yourself
whether this is the kind of thing that says "America"
to you: 1
- and while you're at it, stop to ponder why most of these protester's
injuries are on their backs.
Believe it or not, the right-wing's latest target in the War
for Patriotic Correctness is - Captain America. Yup, Michael
Medved's piece "Captain America, Traitor?" which
can be found at... ugh... National Review Online, excoriates
Captain America's creators for - heaven forbid - suggesting
that this whole "terrorism" thing may be more complex
than conservative black-and-white-good-vs-evil-my-country-right-or-wrong.
"We might expect such blame-America logic from Hollywood
activists, academic apologists, or the angry protesters who
regularly fill the streets of European capitals (and many
major American cities)," spews Medved. "When such
sentiments turn up, however, hidden within star-spangled,
nostalgic packaging of comic books aimed at kids, we need
to confront the deep cultural malaise afflicting the nation
on the eve of war." Good grief. Clearly Michael Medved
would be very happy if the kids of today grew up as non-thinking,
non-questioning, neo-con androids, so in his mind going after
comic books is obviously a step in the right direction. To
think of how sickos like Medved obviously yearn for a day
when the people bleat in unison to the tune of the government
almost makes me physically ill. Call yourself an American,
Ah, the "Reverend" Fred Phelps, creator of the "God
Hates Fags" website and purveyor of hatred to all and
sundry. Is there anything he won't do to make himself look
like a lunatic? Last week Phelps decided to take on that icon
of evil Mr. Rogers, declaring
that his organization the Westboro Baptist Church was going
to picket Rogers' memorial service on May 3rd. Why? Apparently
because for thirty years Fred Rogers told millions of children
that they should be nice to one another and accept people
for who they are, and never once mentioned that homosexuals
would burn in a lake of fire. Rogers' reward? According to
Phelps: "He's in hell. And if you're putting out cartoons
depicting that he's in heaven, you've got no basis for it."
But the organizers of Fred Rogers' memorial service probably
shouldn't worry - Phelps and his gang were supposed to be
in the UK to disrupt the final performance of a play about
Matthew Shepard recently, but faced with the prospect they
might have to actually confront gay activists, they never
showed up. Which makes Phelps and crew chicken, as well
(and, by association, Mark Sanford)
last week that "Workers in 27 states are suing Wal-Mart
for violating wage-and-hour laws; in the first of the
cases to go to trial, an Oregon jury found the company guilty
in December of systematically forcing employees to work overtime
without pay. The retailer also faces a sex-discrimination
lawsuit that accuses it of wrongly denying promotions and
equal pay to 700,000 women." So that's how you
become the world's largest retailer! But the main reason we
bring this up is because it reminded us of South Carolina
Governor Mark Sanford's suggestion that his state should be
run like a Wal-Mart (see Idiots 103).
"When you think about Wal-Mart, you think about value and
the lowest possible price," said he. Yup, and now you
also think about lawsuits, sexual discrimination, and overtime
without pay. Fabulous.
It looks like the administration's effort to completely mislead
the public about a connection between Saddam Hussein and Osama
bin Laden has even sucked in one or two people who should
know a lot better. Take Governor George Pataki of New York,
for example, who recently suggested
that the statue of Saddam which was famously toppled in Baghdad
last week should be melted down and turned into a girder for
one of the new buildings at "Ground Zero." Um...
okay. But as far as I understand it there has been absolutely
no proof shown of a link between bin Laden and Saddam, and
the only Al Qaeda linked terrorists we found in Iraq were
in the Kurdish-controlled area. And correct me if I'm wrong,
but I thought the Kurds were supposed to be our new best friends.
Perhaps George Pataki would be better served asking Our Great
Leader a) why the hell we haven't caught Osama bin Laden yet,
and b) why on earth we're going to end up throwing a lot more
money at the Space Shuttle investigation than the 9/11 investigation...
In a trend somewhat reminiscent of the aftermath of September
11, some folks are using tragedy to promote their fave products.
Take Rick Schmidt, founder of the International Hummer Owners
Group (or IHOG) for example. He seems to think that maintaining
a steady reliance on foreign oil by driving 2mpg vehicles
is the best way to show one's patriotism. "In my humble opinion,"
the oh-so-humble Mr. Schmidt, "the [Hummer] H2 is an
American icon. Not the military version by any means, but
it's a symbol of what we all hold so dearly above all else,
the fact we have the freedom of choice, the freedom of happiness,
the freedom of adventure and discovery, and the ultimate freedom
of expression. Those who deface a Hummer in words or deed
deface the American flag and what it stands for." Now if you'll
excuse me, I have to clean the puke off my shoes.
Schwarzenegger and Condi Rice
And finally, California might be looking forward to a conservative
idiots battle royale in 2006 - it was revealed
last week that Condoleezza Rice and Arnold Schwarzenegger
could be facing off for the GOP gubernatorial nomination.
Both conservatives are famous for their portrayals of heartless
robotic killing machines, and while Condoleezza has more real-world
experience in the art of "terminating," Arnold has
the all-important groping Austrian beefcake ace up his sleeve
(see Idiots passim). So who will come out on top in this battle
of the machines? We can't wait to find out! See you next week...
a Conservative for Next Week's List