The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 100)
February
24, 2003
The Top 100 Conservative Idiots Special
Well
we finally made it - welcome to the 100th Top Ten Conservative
Idiots! This week we've decided to do a look back at the Top
100 Conservative Idiots since the site began two years ago.
They're ranked in order by number of appearance (although
for entries with the same number of appearances there is no
particular order). We've highlighted some of the entries,
and we've also added some fun Top Ten facts for your entertainment.
Some of the external links have unfortunately died (sorry,
not our fault) but that shouldn't make much difference. There
is no key this week, just read and enjoy. And feel free to
take a look back through the archive
to find out why some of these folks made it onto the list
so many times!
1.
George W. Bush ...appearances
on list: 105
There's never a dull moment when Dubya's around.
In 100 editions of the Top Ten Conservative Idiots,
Our Great Leader has managed a staggering 105
appearances. Impressive!
From
Idiots 71: No
doubt by now you have heard George W. Bush's "trifecta"
joke. He's been going around telling people that
he promised during the campaign that he would
balance the federal budget, unless there was a
war, recession, or national emergency. Then the
punch line: "Lucky me, I hit the trifecta." (I
guess the joke is funny if you're entertained
by the idea of Muslim extremists crashing planes
into the World Trade Center.) Anyway, some reporters
got smart and asked when Bush actually made this
promise on the campaign. The answer: never.
But someone else did: Al Gore. "Barring an economic
reversal, a national emergency, or a foreign crisis,
we should balance the budget this year, next year,
and every year," Gore said on various occasions.
Kinda makes you wonder what the world would be
like if we actually had a real president.
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2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7. |
Dick
Cheney ...appearances
on list:
29
Trent
Lott
...appearances on list: 27
John Ashcroft ...appearances
on list: 22
Jeb Bush ...appearances
on list: 20
Ari Fleischer ...appearances
on list: 18
Katherine Harris ...appearances
on list: 17 |
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Katherine
Harris doesn't actually wear makeup. Her bizarre
appearance is the result of a one-in-a-million kitchen
accident. |
8.
9.
10.
11.
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The
Bush Administration ...appearances
on list: 17
Tom DeLay ...appearances
on list: 15
Rush Limbaugh ...appearances
on list: 14
Ann Coulter ...appearances
on list: 12
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12.
Bill O'Reilly ...appearances
on list: 10
Bill O'Reilly. Who could forget the Fox News "independent
thinker's" interview with Jeremy Glick, the
son of a World Trade Center victim, which ended
with O'Reilly yelling at Glick to "shut up,
just shut up?" Not us!
From
Idiots 47: Bill
O'Reilly likes to tell his viewers that his television
program is a "no-spin zone." It seems that he
could also be calling it a "frequent-lapses-into-outright-lying
zone." Last week, CNN's Bill Press exposed
this egotistical blowhard for the lying fraud
that he is. Press writes that after he appeared
on "The O'Reilly Factor," O'Reilly was trumpeting
what a fair guy he was because he let Bill Press,
a liberal, on his show, but "you wouldn't see
me on CNN." It seems that O'Lie-ly would have
us believe that liberal CNN is afraid to have
him as a guest. If only it were true. Says Press:
"Last Spring, during a debate on the Don Imus
show, my co-host Tucker Carlson invited O'Reilly
to be a guest on CNN's 'The Spin Room.' He agreed.
Then he ducked multiple requests and never showed."
Caution: You are about to enter a no-spine
zone.
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13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
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Bill Simon ...appearances
on list: 8
Enron ...appearances
on list: 8
House Republicans ...appearances
on list: 8
Pat Robertson ...appearances
on list: 8
Bob Barr ...appearances
on list: 7
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Bob
Barr has a 250-foot-tall nude statue of Ronald Reagan
in his back yard. The statue portrays Reagan as a young
man enthusiastically milking a goat. |
18.
19.
20.
21.
22.
23.
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Dick Armey ...appearances
on list: 7
Fox News ...appearances
on list: 7
Michael Bloomberg ...appearances
on list: 7
Rudy Giuliani ...appearances
on list: 7
The White House ...appearances
on list: 7
Christie Todd Whitman ...appearances
on list: 6
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24.
CNN ...appearances
on list: 6
Why go to Fox News when you can get all the conservative
hypocrisy and Bush brown-nosing you need from
CNN? Scrambling for viewers, the once-proud network
has finally opted for the billy-bob contingent.
From
Idiots 50: A
comedy blunder of epic proportions gets CNN on
the list this week. After stealing Paula Zahn
away from Fox News, one would assume that CNN
would go to great lengths to play up the journalistic
skills and professionalism of their new employee.
After all, Paula Zahn is a respected newswoman
with years of experience. Which is why CNN were
forced to yank a promo for Zahn's morning show
which went as follows:
"Where can you find a morning news anchor who's
provocative, super-smart, oh yeah, and just a
little sexy?" This delightful advertisement for
quality journalism was accompanied by what appeared
to many to be the sound of a zipper being unzipped
(although CNN claimed it was the sound of a needle
scratching across a record.) The promo ran about
ten times over the weekend before embarrassed
execs had it pulled. What next? Are we going to
see more of these? "Wolf Blitzer: intelligent,
well-informed, and ladies, he's got a beard you
can really hang on to." Or maybe, "Robert Novak:
he's brusque, he's bold, he'll take you roughly
from behind." Or perhaps they'll just go with
the simple but effective, "Daryn Kagan: PHWOOAR!!".
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25.
26.
27.
28. |
Donald Rumsfeld ...appearances
on list: 6
Karl Rove ...appearances
on list: 6
Paul O'Neill ...appearances
on list: 6
Phil Gramm ...appearances
on list: 6
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Phil
Gramm used to review movies for Democratic Underground.
But he wasn't very good, so we fired him. |
29.
30.
31.
32.
33.
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Saudi Arabia ...appearances
on list: 6
The Pentagon ...appearances
on list: 6
Dan Burton ...appearances
on list: 5
Gale Norton ...appearances
on list: 5
Harvey Pitt ...appearances
on list: 5
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34.
Jerry Falwell ...appearances
on list: 5
Jerry's always good for a laugh - that is, when
he's not spreading dangerous bigotry and preaching
hypocritical religious fundamentalism. A first-class
conservative idiot, there will always be a place
on the list for the "Reverend" Falwell.
From
Idiots 86: The
nutty reverend is at it again, continuing his
post-9/11 Christian Crusade of Bigotry� against
Arabs, homosexuals, liberals, and other threats
to decent society. This week's Falwellian boogeyman:
The Prophet Muhammed. On the CBS newsmagazine
"Sixty Minutes," he said that "Muhammed was a
terrorist." Having no doubt immersed himself in
the study of Islam, Jerry explained that Muhammed
was "a man of war," which makes him a terrorist.
Hmmm. I'm guessing that Reverend Falwell doesn't
have a similar opinion of a certain other "man
of war" currently sitting in the White House.
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35.
36.
37.
38.
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The Media ...appearances
on list: 5
The Secret Service ...appearances
on list: 5
Condoleezza Rice ...appearances
on list: 4
David Jaye ...appearances
on list: 4
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David
Jaye is just one of several conservatives who have made
it onto the list for beating their significant others. |
39.
40.
41.
42.
43.
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J.C. Watts ...appearances
on list: 4
Jesse Helms ...appearances
on list: 4
Jim Gilmore ...appearances
on list: 4
Matt Drudge ...appearances
on list: 4
Robert Novak
...appearances on list:
4 |
44.
Roy Moore ...appearances
on list: 5
Chief Justice Roy Moore is our favorite conservative
judicial nutjob, and his quest to keep a gargantuan
Ten Commandments monolith in his courtroom is
the stuff of Top Ten legend. So we were sorry
when we heard the news that he'd been forced to
get rid of the thing. Poor fellow.
From
Idiots 92: Poor
Justice Roy Moore. No stranger to the Top Ten
Conservative Idiots (see Idiots passim) the ultra-conservative
judicial nutjob last week lost the battle to keep
his 5,300-pound granite Ten Commandments monument
in Alabama's judicial building. U.S. District
Judge Myron Thompson said that Moore's monument
violates the constitution's ban on government
promotion of religion, and he was given thirty
days to remove it. Immediately following the decision,
a disappointed Moore left the courtroom and announced
that since he now didn't have a big stone to tell
him not to, he would spend the next couple of
days coveting his neighbor's ass.
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45.
46.
47.
48.
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The Wall Street Journal ...appearances
on list: 4
Tommy Thompson ...appearances
on list: 4
Alabama ...appearances
on list: 3
Arnold Schwarzenegger ...appearances
on list: 3
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Groping
Austrian beefcake Arnold Schwarzenegger can never run
for president - not because he was born in a foreign country,
but because he cannot read. |
49.
50.
51.
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Bret Schundler ...appearances
on list: 3
Dan Quayle ...appearances
on list: 3
Dr. Laura ...appearances
on list: 3
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52.
George H. W. Bush ...appearances
on list: 3
Like son, like father... and while George Bush
Sr.'s appearances haven't been as prolific as
his son's, he has still made a very valuable and
worthwhile contribution to the realm of conservative
idiocy.
From
Idiots 38: Did
you know that the President's dad works for the
bin Laden family business? It's true - The New
York Times reported
back in March that ex-President Bush was touring
Saudi Arabia on behalf of the Carlyle Group, using
his political contacts to further his business
interests. Interestingly, according to Judicial
Watch, the bin Laden family has a substantial
investment in the Carlyle Group, and have met
with George Bush Sr. on several occasions. The
tough part for Poppy is that the bin Laden family
are currently under investigation following the
September 11 attacks - the FBI recently subpoenaed
their bank records to find out whether they're
funding Osama or not. So considering this obviously
massive conflict of interest, will Poppy resign
from his position at Carlyle? Don't bet on it.
Since when does international terrorism get in
the way of making a fat profit?
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53.
54.
55.
56.
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George Pataki ...appearances
on list: 3
Lying Wingnuts ...appearances
on list: 3
Mitt Romney ...appearances
on list: 3
Oliver North ...appearances
on list: 3
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Contrary
to popular belief, Oliver North has never committed a
crime in his entire life, not even jaywalking. |
57.
58.
59.
60.
61.
62. |
The Associated Press ...appearances
on list: 3
Thomas White ...appearances
on list: 3
Tom Feeney ...appearances
on list: 3
ABC ...appearances
on list: 2
Allen Trovillion ...appearances
on list: 2
Antonin Scalia ...appearances
on list: 2
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Did
you know? Not only does Antonin Scalia have six fingers
on each hand, he also has three testicles. |
63.
64.
65.
66.
67.
68.
69.
70.
71. |
Arlen Specter ...appearances
on list: 2
Arthur Andersen LLP ...appearances
on list: 2
Bernard Ebbers ...appearances
on list: 2
Charles Pickering ...appearances
on list: 2
Chris Matthews ...appearances
on list: 2
Colin Powell ...appearances
on list: 2
Dennis Hastert ...appearances
on list: 2
Dick Posthumus ...appearances
on list: 2
Doug Forrester ...appearances
on list: 2
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72.
FreeRepublic.com ...appearances
on list: 2
Ah, the venerable Free Republic. Home to God-fearing,
gun-toting, furriner-hating patriots everywhere.
Incidentally, for all you conservatives who still
think that FR doesn't ban liberals, try going
over there and posting "Bill Clinton was
the greatest president ever." Go on, it'll
be fun!
From
Idiots 90: Get
your laughing gear ready because this one's a
hoot! In protest of the massive anti-war demonstrations
in Washington DC on October 26, the Washington
DC chapter of Free Republic decided to hold an
anti-anti-war rally. And while an estimated 200,000
people marched around the White House, about 14
people showed up to listen to the insane rantings
of a few toothless inbreds. The Freepers spent
the afternoon pontificating on such fascinating
topics as, um, Why Iraq Is A Communist Country
(?) and, er, Why Guns Are Great (??) and, uh,
Those Marxists Killed My Grandfather! (???). And
let's not forget their rallying cry: "Stay away
from the left wing! They have a tendency to be
violent!" But the best part was that the whole
thing was broadcast and rebroadcast on CSPAN,
which gave the entire country an opportunity to
see how ridiculous they looked. And in case you
missed it, this photo is for you:
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73.
74.
75.
76.
77.
78. |
Grover Norquist ...appearances
on list: 2
J. D. Hayworth ...appearances
on list: 2
John Fund ...appearances
on list: 2
Judge N. Sanders Sauls ...appearances
on list: 2
Ken Lay ...appearances
on list: 2
Ken Starr ...appearances
on list: 2
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Ken
Lay is heir to the Frito-Lay fortune, and Ken Starr is
a distant relation of Ringo. Both are named after the
"Ken" doll. |
79.
80.
81.
82. |
Laura Bush ...appearances
on list: 2
Linda Chavez ...appearances
on list: 2
Linda Tripp ...appearances
on list: 2
Lynne Cheney ...appearances
on list: 2
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83.
Michael Skupkin ...appearances
on list: 2
He didn't win Survivor, and he didn't win a senate
seat in Michigan. Cheer up Michael, there's always
Celebrity Mole 2...
From
Idiots 23: We
learned last week that the Michigan GOP is so
desperate to defeat U.S. Senator Carl Levin that
they're considering running ex-gameshow contestant
and celebrity pig-murderer Michel Skupkin as their
candidate in 2002. For those of you who missed
"Survivor 2," Skupkin is the man who became nationally
famous for catching and slaughtering a "wild"
boar with his bare hands, before painting his
face with its blood. Still, Skupkin almost managed
to win "Survivor 2" with a fabulous combination
of lying, plotting, backstabbing and sabotage
- so he should fit in nicely with the Republican
Party.
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84.
85.
86.
87.
88.
89.
90.
91. |
Mike Huckabee ...appearances
on list: 2
Newsmax.com ...appearances
on list: 2
Newt Gingrich ...appearances
on list: 2
Philip Giordano ...appearances
on list: 2
Robert Ray ...appearances
on list: 2
Roger Ailes ...appearances
on list: 2
S. Vance Wilkins, Jr. ...appearances
on list:
Sean Hannity ...appearances
on list: 2
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Before
becoming a radio and television star, Sean Hannity was
a pig farmer, an office equipment repairman, and a losing
contestant on "Blind Date." |
92.
93.
94.
95.
96.
97.
98.
99. |
Spence Abraham ...appearances
on list: 2
Ted Olson ...appearances
on list: 2
The Environmental Protection Agency ...appearances
on list: 2
The Salvation Army ...appearances
on list: 2
The Washington Times ...appearances
on list: 2
USA Today ...appearances
on list:
2
The U.S. Supreme Court ...appearances
on list:
2
The State of Virginia ...appearances
on list: 2 |
100.
Utah Republicans ...appearances
on list: 2
And finally, you can't beat a Utah Republican
- it's conservatism the way God intended. From
homophobia to gun-control paranoia to the fear
that blue-helmeted UN troops may descend upon
your town at any second, Utah Republicans have
it all.
From
Idiots 34: YEEHAW!
Cue dueling banjos! After reluctantly allowing
Dick Cheney to temporarily pry the guns from their,
um, warm, still alive fingers (see Idiots 32),
the Utah State GOP was back in fine
form last week, passing an "American Sovereignty
Resolution" against UN mandates at their state
conference. It seems that Utah Republicans are
becoming increasingly worried about the UN creating
"world wide taxes," and a "global army" (which
would, undoubtedly, sneak into their homes while
they're sleeping and take their guns away.) So
anyway, this new resolution ought to put a stop
to THAT. Hear that UN? Don' t mess with the Utah
GOP, or they'll truss you like a turkey and roger
you senseless. Goldangit.
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