The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 85)
September 30, 2002
Iraq And Roll Edition

Dubya is back with a vengeance this week after curiously failing to crack the chart two weeks ago. He claims the number one, part of the number two, and the number three spots. Way to go, George! The chump-in-charge's behind-the-scenes puppetmaster, Dick Cheney, also manages to grab a slot this week, sneaking in at number four. Holding on behind these world-class idiots we find Katherine Harris's most unlikely fan Candice Brown McElyea (5), unnecessarily irate congressman Joe Wilson (7), and the hilariously hypocritical Bob Richardson (9). It's a fine list this week so enjoy, and as usual, don't forget the key.

George W. Bush
Iraq! Iraq! Iraq! Iraq! Iraq! Iraq! Iraq! Yes folks, it seems that George W. Bush's brain has jammed. Never mind Osama bin Laden, the economy, corporate scandals (that he insisted he was so concerned about), unemployment, or a host of other domestic issues. It's all about getting troops into Iraq and kicking Saddam's butt with our great big red, white and blue boots. So why is Dubya so fixated on Iraq? Does he really think that Saddam is an imminent threat to the good people of the United States? Or could it possibly be because if he doesn't talk about Iraq, then he'll have to talk about... Osama bin Laden, the economy, corporate scandals, unemployment, or a host of other domestic issues? We report, you decide. By the way, we didn't publish the list last week, but we haven't forgotten about George's recent brilliant and Churchillian, "Fool me, won't get fooled again," speech. If you missed it, click here for the full inanity. (*this link has been fixed - thanks to T. Ikeda)

Various Sickening Conservatives
Is this the most partisan administration ever, or what? So much for all of Dubya's pre-election promises to unite, not divide, and bring integrity and bipartisanship back to Washington DC. What a load of bollocks. Only last week President Chimpy announced that the Democratic-controlled Senate is "not interested in the security of the American people" - at a campaign fundraiser of all places. Tom DeLay picked up this unseemly baton and ran with it, getting even more confused than his non-too-smart boss: "They believe we ought to dream of peace rather than going out and fight for it." (Uhhhh...?) Meanwhile, Ann Coulter was almost literally frothing at the mouth, telling radio commentator Ed Walsh that Democrats are "desperately dying to provide aid and support to al-Qaeda." Oh, but of course we must not say bad things about the Republicans. Why, that would be un-American, playing politics in a time of war, and how dare we? And... and... oh, never mind.

George W. Bush
Thank goodness George isn't above a hefty dose of bullpoop to make sure he gets revenge on the man who tried to kill his dad. The International Atomic Energy Agency last week said that a report cited by Dubya as evidence that Iraq is six months away from developing a nuclear weapon... doesn't exist. Huh? Yup, President Joke said this on September 7th: "I would remind you that when the inspectors first went into Iraq and were denied � finally denied access, a report came out of the Atomic � the IAEA that they were six months away from developing a weapon. I don't know what more evidence we need." What more evidence indeed. How about some evidence that actually exists? Going into full spin mode, the White House suggested that Bush was talking about an earlier (much earlier) report. "He's referring to 1991 there," said Deputy Press Secretary Scott McClellan. Uh - no, actually. The IAEA's chief spokesman said no such report was issued in 1991 either. Of course, the media faithfully reported this "evidence" as god's own truth - so guess what, kids? Iraq is six months away from developing a nuclear weapon! It's true because George said so!

Dick Cheney
Meanwhile, it seems that Dick Cheney's Coward Budget is getting a little tight. Vice President Crashcart's staff said last week that he needs an extra $100,000 for travel - presumably to get to and from his secret hidey-hole a little quicker. Congress has already appropriated $386,000 for Dick's little trips this year - which he's spent - plus an extra $50,000 for "unanticipated travel." With the extra $100,000, that comes to a grand total of $536,000. Is that a lot? The New York Times reports that, "in 1994, the comparable year for President Bill Clinton, former Vice President Al Gore was allocated $135,000 - or $164,000 in today's dollars - and spent $42,000, or $51,000 in today's dollars." Of course, Al Gore didn't have 9/11 to worry about. But then, he's not a yellow-bellied chicken either.

Candice Brown McElyea
Who? Well, if you don't live in Sarasota, FL, chances are you won't have heard of Candice Brown McElyea. She recently ran as a Democratic candidate against Katherine Harris with the slogan "Anyone But Katherine." Admirable, for sure! Unfortunately McElyea came third in her primary race, losing to Jan Schneider. So you may be surprised to learn that McElyea appeared at a joint press conference to endorse her candidate of choice last week - no, not Jan Schneider, but - gasp - Katherine Harris herself. Hiss! According to an opinion piece in the Herald-Tribune, "After their joint announcement, they hugged and acted all girly together, smiling and touching in mutual admiration like reunited sorority roommates, as the press conference cameras rolled." Sickening? Let's just say I've got my barf bag handy. When asked whether she was a Democrat or Republican, McElyea said, "I'm not sure at this point." Candice darling, you think the Democrats want your election-thief-supporting ass? Just register as a Republican and get it over with.

James C. Chalfant
There are more potentially suspicious doings afoot in Bill Simon's ongoing campaign debacle. Buzzflash reported last week that James C. Chalfant, the judge who recently cleared California gubernatorial hopeful Bill Simon of candicacy-destroying legal charges, had - hmmm - donated $1000 in 1998 to Dan Lungren, the then Republican candidate for Governor. Not that he's politically biased or anything. I mean, the California Code of Judicial Ethics instructs judges to "act at all times in a manner that promotes public confidence in the integrity and impartiality of the judiciary," and to "avoid political activity that may create the appearance of political bias or impropriety." And since the Republican party is the party of ethics and honesty, we must assume that there is nothing to see here...

Joe Wilson
Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) almost bust his spleen on C-SPAN's Washington Journal last week. Why? It all began when congressman Bob Filner (D-CA) suggested that Iraq got their chemical weapons from the United States during the 1980s (thanks Ronnie). "That's wrong," said Wilson. "That's made up." (Nice try Joe, but you might want to check your facts before making statements like that.) And it was all downhill from there: "This hatred of America by some people is just outrageous, and you need to get over that," Wilson told Filner. "Hatred of America? Are you accusing me?" replied Filner. "Yes!" shouted Wilson. Ah, you gotta enjoy those bipartisan love fests. Bizarrely, Wilson said later that "If I hurt his feelings, I didn't mean to. And I certainly didn't mean to question his patriotism." Hmm, so telling someone that they hate America isn't questioning their patriotism. Must remember that...

Whoever's Running The "War On Terror" This Week
Hey, remember Afghanistan? It kinda seems to have dropped out of the news lately, hasn't it? I guess that since we lost Osama, generally failed to capture a truckload of Al Qaeda leaders, and managed to install a new president who's more than willing to sell us some space for an oil pipeline, there's not much more to say. So it was interesting to note that despite the U.S. media's best propaganda efforts, Newsweek is reporting that Operation Mountain Sweep was a resounding failure. In Newsweek's own words: "Witnesses claim that American soldiers of the 82nd Airborne division succeeded mainly in terrorizing innocent villagers, and setting back counterinsurgency and intelligence operations in the area by at least six months." But since Saddam's the big threat these days, who cares! Right?

Bob Richardson
Poor old Bob Richardson, liberal-hater and Colorado attorney. Our Bob was well known in Glenwood Springs, CO for his famous liberal-bashing columns in the Glenwood Springs Post Independent. Apparently his anti-Bill-and-Hil articles were stuff of legend. But sadly Bob won't be able to bash those unethical and immoral liberal swine with a straight face any more - according to the Aspen Daily News, he lost his license to practice law last week "after state investigators said he took thousands of dollars from senior citizens across the Western Slope by making false promises to protect their savings." Oh dear. Still, it's probably all Bill Clinton's fault, right Bob? Your fixation on his penis inexorably coaxed you over to the dark side, right Bob? Hello? Bob?

Dick Armey
And finally, it seems that the specter of retirement may have short-circuited a few neural pathways in Dick Armey's brain. The outgoing House Majority Leader, speaking at an event in Florida last week, announced that "I always see two Jewish communities in America: one of deep intellect and one of shallow, superficial intellect. Conservatives have a deeper intellect and tend to have occupations of the brain in fields like engineering, science and economics... Liberals are generally not very bright, and conservatives are deep thinkers." Oh really? So let's get this straight: Jews that disagree with Armey must be liberals, and are therefore stupid, since it's well known that conservatives are smarter than liberals. Yup, it sounds like something that might come out of the mouths of right-wing hate radio broadcasters like Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity, but this is the House Majority Leader for goodness sake. Way to throw in some religious slurs with your partisanship there too, Dick. See you next week...