Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 81)
Biblical Spanking Edition
top quality shenanigans in the world of conservative idiocy
force Dubya from his number one position this week, although
the Chump-in-Charge does manage two more entries this week
at numbers 4 and 10. But this week's top slot is reserved
for Jerry "Biblical Spanking" Regier, Florida's
new head of the Department of Children and Families. Nice.
Nudging up against Jerry Regier's mudflaps we find Bob Barr
(2) to whom we can only say, "You lost! Get over it!"
And man, does it feel good to say that. Elsewhere, Judy Woodruff
(5) is now having her TelePrompTer fed directly from the White
House - no, she really is - and the head of Miami-Dade's Christian
Coalition, Antonio Verdugo (8), is just a big ol' fraud (allegedly).
Enjoy, and as usual, here's the key.
Florida's Department of Children and Families managed to get
on the list last week (see Idiots 80), and now their new boss
has made it on - in his first week on the job. Last week Jeb
Bush named Jerry Regier to be the new head of the DCF. Hours
later it was revealed
that Mr. Regier had previously made some, shall we say, "insane"
comments. See if you can guess which ones they are! A) ''biblical
spanking [that leads to] temporary and superficial bruises
or welts do not constitute child abuse.'' B) Christians should
not marry non-Christians. C) Wives should view working outside
the home as ''bondage.'' D) The ''radical feminist movement
has damaged the morale of many women and convinced men to
relinquish their biblical authority in the home.'' The answer?
Yep - it's all of them of course. The man who is to be charged
with the welfare of Florida's children and families thinks
that keeping your woman indoors and beating your kids is just
the right thing to do.
And so farewell, Bob Barr, conservative idiot extraordinaire,
gun safety expert, Reagan bootlicker, Clinton-hater and professional
congressional crybaby. We must admit that it brought little
tears to our eyes when Bob Barr lost
his primary race last week. Well, not really. But still...
who could forget when Bob almost literally shot himself in
the foot (Idiots 79)?
Or when he threatened to hamstring Washington's DC's public
transport system if they didn't change the National Airport
signs to Ronald Reagan National Airport (Idiots 11
Or when he tried to sue Bill Clinton for "emotional distress"
after that whole messy impeachment business (Idiots 72)?
Yes, Bob Barr was one of the greats. We shall miss him. But
Bob, don't be a stranger! Just because you can't be a congressman
any more doesn't mean that you can't still be a conservative
So, this war with Iraq should be a "cakewalk," right?
Well you'd think so if you listened to the buzz coming from
the Bush administration and the military. There's no denying
that we have the mightiest fighting force in the world (um,
except Bush & Co. told everyone it was completely useless
during the 2000 presidential campaign). So it's interesting
to note that General Paul Van Riper, ex-head of the Marine
Corps Combat Development Command, quit his job as commander
of the "enemy" forces after the recent Millennium
Challenge 2002 war game. See, the war game was touted as proof
that the military's "new war-fighting concepts"
are the best thing since sliced civilians. Not
so fast. According to Riper, "It was in actuality
an exercise that was almost entirely scripted to ensure a
Blue (friendly forces) 'win.'" For example, at one point Riper's
tactics managed to "sink" most of the Blue team's
naval forces, resulting in the Blue team having to stop the
game, "refloat" the fleet and, um, start again.
So there you go - military tests out new war strategies, military
fixes results, and surprise! - new war strategies work out
just great. Now let's go kick Saddam's butt!
When Bill Clinton let his pals stay at the White House, Republicans
almost shit a brick. So what do they have to say now that
the White House has released a list of George W. Bush's overnight
sleeping buddies? They are surprisingly quiet. Hmm.
Funny that. But see, there's a big difference.
Turns out that while Clinton opened the doors to friends,
donors and Hollywood celebrities, Bush has only welcomed,
um, friends, donors and bad country-and-western singers. Big,
big difference there. Bush's chums must have had quite
a free-for-all though, because according to the Washington
Post, "administration officials didn't know if any
of the guests slept in the Lincoln Bedroom." They didn't
know? How can that be possible? Didn't they have to make the
bed? Or clean up? Or did the guests do that themselves and
then sneak out unseen? Eeew! Maybe the sheets haven't been
Well, if you didn't already have the evidence, here's proof
that CNN really are mere whores for the Bush administration.
to the Associated Press, more than 1,000 protesters showed
up to demonstrate against George W. Bush when he appeared
in Portland, OR, last week. There were scuffles and arrests
when some of the protesters broke through barricades, tear
gas was fired, and the whole thing was quite a mess.
So how did Judy Woodruff report this incident? After spouting
off for a while on Bush's California agenda and his support
for Bill Simon, Woodruff told
the nation that "according to our White House sources, this
is the same small group of protesters who follow the president
around the country." And that, ladies and gentlemen, was that.
According to our White House Sources? Is that
what passes for journalism these days? Just wait for the White
House to hand you today's spin, and then read it word for
word on the air? Absolutely despicable.
Here's an outrageous story brought to you by Bob Herbert from
the New York Times. Herbert has recently thrown a great
deal of light onto a disgusting incident which happened three
years ago in Tulia, TX. On 23rd July, 1999, police rounded
up and arrested on drug charges 40 black people from a shanty
area of Tulia known locally by whites as "Niggertown."
The local newspaper reported the incident the next day with
the headline "Tulia's Streets Cleared of Garbage."
The UK Independent reports
that, "police found no money, no weapons and no trace
of illicit drugs of any kind at their houses. There were no
fingerprints on the drugs that had been seized. The authorities
subsequently failed to produce any photographs, tape-recordings
or other concrete evidence that the alleged drug trades had
taken place at all." So why were the vast majority of
those arrested convicted (by all-white juries), and are now
serving sentences, some for up to 434 years in prison? The
answer lies in a clue given by Tom Coleman, the dimwitted
officer responsible for all the convictions, (whom coworkers
have referred to as "a compulsive liar"). In an
interview, Coleman admitted to freely using the word "nigger"
because he didn't think it was "as profane" as it used to
be. See? Perhaps the right-wing are actually correct, and
we really have eliminated racism in America after all!
And while we're on the subject of hatred, check out this doozy
from Nigeria. A conservative Muslim court in Funtua last week
sentenced a woman to death by stoning for... wait for it...
having a child out of wedlock. But it's good news for her!
She won't be brutally battered to death until she has weaned
the child, which could take two years. Meanwhile, international
human rights agencies are, of course, outraged. We just want
to know one thing: does the father of the child get to cast
the first stone?
What Would Jesus Do? Commit election fraud of course! Antonio
Verdugo, head of the Miami-Dade Christian Coalition, was arrested
last week for allegedly
forging hundreds of signatures on a petition which forced
a referendum on gay rights. The Miami-Dade Christian Coalition
wants to overturn the law which protects gays and lesbians
from discrimination in housing and employment, so they decided
the best way to go about it was to break some other, less
important laws. After all, God hates homosexuals, right? So
he must have wanted them to do this. So really, if
you look at it like that, they weren't really breaking
the law after all. Or something. Well, Mr. Verdugo will have
plenty of time to ponder this theological conundrum - if convicted
he faces up to five years in prison.
So, is there anything that Republicans hate more than abortion?
If John Hostettler is any indication, it would appear that
they hate women even more. It seems that fundies across America
have latched onto a thoroughly discredited so-called "study"
suggesting that women who have abortions have a higher rate
of breast cancer. So, when a group of breast cancer survivors
came to Rep. Hostettler's office to discuss funding for breast
cancer research, the idiot from Indiana began insinuating
that the women must have all had abortions. This, of course,
fits with the warped and bigoted conservative viewpoint that
God inflicts illnesses (breast cancer, AIDS) on groups of
people that they do not like (women who have abortions, gays).
Of course, prostate cancer and impotence are just random occurrences
that imply no Divine intervention.
Run, George, run! Apparently
the war on terrorism has done wonders for Dubya's track times.
Says he, "It's interesting that my times have become
faster after the war began. They were pretty fast all along,
but since the war started I have been running with a little
more intensity." Hey President AWOL, perhaps it reminds
you of the last time you got close to a war and those running
instincts kicked in! But that's not all. Bush went on: "And
I guess that's part of the stress relief I get from it. The
psychological benefit is enormous. You tend to forget everything
that's going on in your mind and just concentrate on the time,
distance or the sweat." Imagine that - Bush forgetting everything
that's going on in his mind. I'm amazed that he can pull off
such a feat of mental discipline. See you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List