Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 77)
Cheney's Thugs Edition
whole "corporate responsibility" thing is getting
out of hand. This week, Dick Cheney (1) was served with court
papers for his role in the Halliburton scandal, but cowardly
Dick hid behind his security detail instead. GWB (2,5) shows
up more than once on the list, which is becoming typical.
John Ashcroft (3) is still trying to defend his TIPS program,
while Harvey Pitt (4) is begging for a raise. Our old favorite
Katherine Harris (8) is back. And a prison in Colorado (10)
has come up with a creative new use for tainted meat. . Here's
Things are getting ugly for Dick Cheney. How ugly? Try these
on for size: an SEC investigation, a federal court summons,
abuse of power, obstruction of justice. Last week when Judicial
watch served court papers to Cheney’s office, White House
security thugs threatened to arrest
the person serving the papers. Let me repeat that: White
House security threatened to arrest a person serving court
papers to Dick Cheney. Didn’t hear about it in your local
newspaper? Well, that’s because the U.S. Constitution gives
the president and vice president the right to break the law
and obstruct justice “when the country is in a state of war
with brown people halfway around the globe.” What, you don’t
remember that part of the Constitution? Clearly you hate America,
and you probably hate the Pledge of Allegiance, too. Why don’t
you just burn a flag while you’re at it, and leave our beloved
vice president alone! You are helping the terrorists win!
We’re still at war. We haven’t found Osama. The economy is
a mess. CEOs fly their golden parachutes while regular folks
get the shaft. Clearly, there’s work to be done. But what
does Dubya do? He’s going on vacation… for
a month. (Must be nice.) The rest of us suckers only get
two weeks off per year. But this guy, who theoretically holds
the most important job on the entire planet, is going to kick
up his cowboy boots on his preppy golf-cart “ranch” in Crawford.
Pathetic. I’m guessing it’s only a matter of time before we’re
subjected to the same lame publicity shots of George chopping
wood for five minutes. See, he’s not lazy; he’s chopping
wood. A hundred bucks says his down-home plaid wood-chopping
shirt in the photo-op still has the creases in it because
some White House lackey bought it at the K Street Brooks Brothers
store that morning.
Clearly, the Attorney General just doesn’t get the whole civil
liberties thing. Testifying before Congress last week, Ashcroft
the Administration’s proposed TIPS program, a soviet-style
citizen informant program, as non-threatening to civil rights.
His reason: There won’t be a computer database. Phew! That’s
a relief! So I’ve got the cable TV guy reporting to the feds
that I watch too much PBS -- big deal! I sure am glad that
they’re storing that info in a big-ass filing cabinet instead
of a database. That makes the whole scheme much better, and
not at all threatening! Thanks, John!
Bad PR move #67: When everyone in Washington wants you to
resign, don’t ask for a raise, it makes you look stupid and
out-of-touch. Last week Harvey Pitt, the incompetent chief
of the Securities and Exchange Commission, decided that he
deserved a raise
and a promotion. Hey, great job on Enron and WorldCom,
Harv! Those schmucks working there didn’t really want their
401(k)s anyway. And the rest of us are just thrilled that
our investments have lost a quarter of their value this year.
Trillions of dollars, gone. Poof! Here’s an extra $30K per
year for you, Harv, courtesy of the U.S. taxpayer! You earned
Pop quiz. What’s more important: a) protecting America from
terrorists, or b) union busting. If you’re George W. Bush,
answer is b. Last week the White House threatened to veto
the Senate Homeland Security bill because they say it doesn’t
provide Bush with enough “personal flexibility.” (When you’ve
had as many benders as George has, personal flexibility is
vitally important. Boom-tiss.) By personal flexibility
George actually means the “ability to treat employees like
the serfs they are.” You don’t want any of that communistic
collective bargaining stuff. If a federal worker wants to
make more money, they should do it the old fashioned way -
ask daddy for a couple mil. Either that, or insider trading.
After all, Bush is a federal worker, and that’s what he does
when he needs a little walkin’ around money.
Last week, federal agents searched the home of an Arab-American
man in Dearborn, Michigan, who was caught carrying $12 million
in fake cashiers checks into the United States. But the otherwise
upstanding group of federal agents included one stupid bigot
from the Secret Service who decided it would be cool to deface
a Muslim prayer calendar in the defendant’s home. The unidentified
agent wrote “Islam is Evil” and “Christ is King” on the calendar,
apparently thinking that this particular Muslim was ripe for
conversion to Christianity using the patented “insult their
religion and deface their property” conversion strategy.
As the Bush regime continues its attack on civil rights, it
looks like we’ve got at least one fox guarding the henhouse.
Last week Peter Kirsanow, a conservative Bush appointee to
the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights, commented
that if there is another terrorist attack in America, "not
too many people will be crying in their beer if there are
more detentions, more stops and more profiling." He went on
to add that “there will be a groundswell of public opinion
to banish civil rights. … So the best thing we can do to preserve
them is by keeping the country safe." I think we’ve heard
this one before. If we want to protect civil rights, we’ve
got to be willing to sacrifice civil rights. We had to
destroy the village in order to save it. Civil rights
groups were outraged, and demanded the removal of Kirsanow.
With the current Administration in power, our guess is that
this guy isn’t going to get removed. He’ll probably get promoted
to goddam chairman.
Is Katherine Harris crooked or just plain dumb? You decide.
Last Tuesday the Florida Department of Elections made a last-minute
to campaign filing fees, which required legislative candidates
to submit an additional $43.20 by Friday afternoon. A flurry
of phone calls were made to candidates across the state, but
at least one Democrat never got the news. (We’re shocked.)
No doubt the Department of Elections will be treating late-filers
in the same way they treated late votes in 2000: If they’re
Democrats, they’re screwed. But if they’re Republicans, no
problem. On Tuesday, Harris was nowhere to be found. Presumably
she was busy applying her daily coat of rouge with a trowel,
or else she was off campaigning for the U.S. Congress. And
who can blame her? Nobody takes elections seriously anymore.
Is the Bush Administration soft on torture? Last week the
UN held a vote on a protocol to provide strict monitoring
of prisons and other facilities to verify that torture is
not taking place. As democratic governments across Europe
and Latin America lined up in support of the measure, the
United States was opposed.
The U.S. stance put us in the esteemed company of backward-ass
human-rights basket cases like Iran, Nigeria, China, Cuba,
Pakistan, and Egypt. A veritable human-rights honor roll,
these countries. It’s embarrassing. Do the schmucks in this
Administration have any shame at all?
Vista Correctional Institution
And finally, this country is entirely too soft when it comes
to our treatment of prisoners. Fortunately, some brave souls
around the country have decided to stand up to creeping pantywaist
liberalism in our penal system with all-American correctional
reforms like overcrowding, chain gangs, rape, and delicious
meals of tainted
meat. The administrators of the Buena Vista Correctional
Institution in Colorado served their inmates 2500 pounds of
beef which they knew was tainted with the E. coli
bacteria. The beef had been recalled by ConAgra, but instead
of sending back so much quality protein, they chose to serve
it to inmates as delicious meat loaf. None of the inmates
got sick, since the meat loaf was cooked enough to kill the
bacteria. Apparently there are a few liberal holdovers still
cooking in the Buena Vista kitchen. See you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List