Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 74)
How to Lose $3.8 Billion Edition
so the great corporate collapse of 2002 continues - last week
it was the turn of WorldCom (1) to announce that, whoops,
they weren't being completely honest. What a surprise. Meanwhile
the National Republican Campaign Committee (2) is desperately
trying to pin the tail on the donkey over last week's Pledge
of Allegiance decision. Dubya makes it onto the list twice
this week, for the news that crime is on the increase (4)
and for deciding to cut overseas family planning funds (7).
The Bush Twins have been out on the town and find themselves
propping up the chart at number 6, Jerry Falwell (9) gets
his knickers in a knot for no good reason whatsoever, and
Ann Coulter (10) is... well, she's just Ann Coulter. Enjoy!
(And as usual, don't forget the key.)
Oh look, another giant corporation has "accidentally"
screwed up its accounts. Last week it was announced that one
of the largest telecommunications firms in America, WorldCom,
would restate its financial results for the last five quarters
due to overlooking the small sum of $3.8 billion in
expenses. You are now seeing the results
of the great Republican deregulation push - companies cooking
their books to ensure massive profits for CEOs and shareholders,
and then the little guy getting screwed when the company finally
goes down in flames and lays off thousands of workers. According
to the Washington Post, since 2000 WorldCom
donated roughly equal amounts to candidates from both parties
- but up until a week before it revealed its lies, WorldCom
was still currying favor with the administration, donating
$100,000 to last week's Republican fundraising gala featuring
President Bush, "enough to be listed on the program as
a vice chairman of the event." Nice. By the way, guess
who WorldCom's accountants were up until May of this year?
That's right - Kenny Boy's good buddies Andersen.
National Republican Campaign Committee
Last week an anonymous GOP aide, referring to Democrats' criticism
of Republican deregulation policies, brushed off the matter
with a sarcastic, "Every time it rains, it's the Republicans
fault." Funny then, that while the economy crumbles and corporate
criminals hitch a free ride on the Bush Machine, the GOP (and
the media) are seizing on the Pledge of Allegiance issue to
boost their chances in November. Soon after a federal appeals
court declared the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional (for
its religious reference) the NRCC were blast-faxing
Republican candidates all over the country, urging them to
"blame liberal Tom Daschle for holding up judicial nominees."
An odd strategy indeed, considering that the judge who decided
that the Pledge was unconstitutional is a lifelong Republican
who was appointed by Richard Nixon. But the message is clear:
pay no attention to the economy, our ill-conceived "war
on terra," the growing deficit, the erosion of the Constitution,
criminal corporations and their GOP-backed welfare, and the
abundant Republican sex and morality scandals we have documented
right here in the Top Ten - it's those godless commie liberals
that are going to ruin America!
Vladimir Putin has been getting a few tips from his best pal
Dubya recently, "requesting" that the Russian Duma
vote last week for a plan which would allow "sweeping
restrictions on using the Internet to oppose the government,"
to ZDNet. Following the lead of the FBI and the U.S. Justice
Department, who have slowly but surely relaxed guidelines
which prevented them from spying on websites and monitoring
Internet communications, the Russian parliament have taken
the next logical step, saying that it is "forbidden to
use computer networks for extremism." And how does one
define "extremism" exactly? Good question. But we're
sure Dubya will be watching Pootie Poot closely as he announces
"new bans on some public demonstrations, the use of extremist
symbols, and any activity or publication that could threaten
the 'safety' of Russia."
Are you better off than you were four years ago? How about
one year ago? Didn't think so. The latest news from
George W. Bush's Crusade to Flush America Down The Toilet
is that after declining for the previous nine years, crime
is on the increase again nationwide. Gee. For some reason
I'm just not surprised by more bad news, are you? So - what
is Dubya continuing to suggest as a solution to this problem?
Like most of his other solutions, it's ass-backwards: propose
"several reductions in grants and other assistance to
state and local law enforcement agencies, including an 80
percent drop in funding for the Community Oriented Policing
Services program," according
to the Washington Post. I guess since the Rapture is
almost upon us, Righteous George and his buddies might as
well give it a helping hand. GRRR!
Bush Freedom Crackdown Corps
to the UK Independent: "Nine months after the
attacks of 11 September, leading American political cartoonists
say they are under intense pressure to conform to a patriotic
stereotype and not criticize the actions of Mr Bush and his
'war on terror.' Those who refuse to bend to such pressure
face having their work rejected, being fired or even publicly
humiliated by the President's press secretary." Isn't
it just great that George W. Bush and his buddies can
so quickly and cleanly prevent the threat of more terrorist
attacks? After all, if the terrorists hate us for our freedom,
the simple answer is obvious: get rid of our freedom immediately!
Now, we fully understand the exuberance of youth and all that.
And we're sure that the vast majority of people first tried
alcohol when they were underage. But if you're already famous
for being up in court twice on alcohol-related offenses, then
don't you think that going around drinking in public is a
bit, um, stupid? But then I guess if you're a Bush,
you would have learned life's most important lesson a long,
long time ago: it doesn't matter what you do, because you'll
always have your daddy to bail you out. Consequences? What
consequences! Which is why it's all just fine and dandy that
the Bush twins were out and about in Washington DC last week,
"sucking down Budweisers... with a group of friends,"
to the Washington Post. Yep, they've learned the Bush
family's number one lesson alright.
W. Bush (again)
Compassionate conservatism is rearing its ugly head once more
- last week it was revealed
that George W. Bush will, under pressure from conservative
pro-lifers, "slash millions of dollars of funding for
a UN family planning programme," according to the UK
Guardian. The UN program assists women in more than
140 countries with family planning, HIV and Aids prevention,
health and education. So you can see why Bush wants to abolish
America's contribution - can't have all those educated, healthy
women running around now can we? Especially if they're foreigners...
Something smells on Capitol Hill, and the stench seems to
be oozing from the esteemed Trent Lott's office. It would
appear that the son of Senator Lott (Mississippi Hair-Helmet,
Jr. we presume) has been quietly lobbying Congress for over
a year, according
to Roll Call. And here's where it starts getting stinky:
Hair-Helmet Jr. was paid $60,000 by BellSouth for work he
did while the telecom company was engaged in a battle over
the Tauzin-Dingell bill to deregulate the broadband Internet
business. Of course, BellSouth didn't hire him because his
dad is the Senate Minority Leader. Perish the thought. "I
literally didn't think about what was going on in the Senate,"
said a BellSouth VP. "We didn't hire them because of
the familial relationship." And if you believe that, I've
got a broadband network to sell you. Incidentally, did we
that WorldCom Criminal Corp. gave Trent Lott $1 million for
special favors? Man, I love the way those Republicans
are returning integrity to Capitol Hill...
The laughable Jerry Falwell strikes again, this time trying
down a parody website (www.jerryfalwell.com)
by claiming the site is "an illegal use of [his] trademark,
libelous, unfair competition and cybersquatting." Cry
me a river, Jerry. God tells you that if someone strikes you,
you should turn the other cheek - not sue the pants off them.
5:39 in case you were wondering, "Reverend").
Oh, but I forgot. You're more concerned about protecting your
trademark than what it says in the Bible, aren't you? (I'm
sure there was something about rich men, camels, and needles
in there somewhere too).
And finally, Ann Coulter has a new book out, the title of
which also conveniently describes her profession! (And no,
that's not "the world's oldest profession"). Slander
is available now at all good bookstores, and it makes
an excellent doorstop, dartboard, or, in an emergency, the
pages are soft and absorbent. Buy the book and enjoy Ann's
spirited defense of Joe McCarthy and Jerry Falwell. I did
find it a tad ironic that Coulter's book is one long complaint
about how mean liberals call conservatives names, yet refers
to Katie Couric as "the affable Eva Braun of morning
TV." Hmm. Not that it stopped Coulter from appearing
on the Today show to plug her dreadful piece of fiction.
And so, to wrap up this week's list, here's a video
of Katie Couric ripping Coulter a new one. See you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List