Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 73)
Drip, Drip, Drip Edition
hero, George W. Bush, makes the list no less than three times
this week. That's not too shabby for a guy who's never really
excelled at anything by himself. Anyway, you can find him
at numbers 1, 2 and 4. Not to be outdone, brother Jeb manages
to sneak in at number 10, although we really expect more from
someone who shares DNA with Dubya. Try harder next week Jeb!
Elsewhere, we see the Christian Right (3) cozying up to the
Axis of Evil, the EPA (7) deciding that toxic sludge is good
for fish (yes, that's right), and the FEC (9) helping the
rich get on with the business of screwing the poor. It's a
mighty list this week, so enjoy! (And as usual, don't forget
The big news last week was that the National Security Agency
had intercepted communications on September 10 that said "tomorrow
is zero hour" and "the match begins tomorrow." Sadly, however,
the communications were not translated into English until
September 12. This is the latest in a string of revelations
indicating that the government had substantial evidence about
the September 11 attacks before they happened. Instead of
expressing shock and dismay about the latest news, the Bush
Administration instead decided to make leaks
the issue. Said Ari Fleischer: "The president has deep
concerns about the inappropriate disclosure of information
that can compromise both sources and methods and potentially
interfere or harm America's capacity to fight the war against
terror." Blah, blah, blah, whatever. The truth is that
Bush is scared shitless that the country might actually put
two and two together. As the bad news continues to drip, drip,
drip, the administration will continue to spin, spin, spin.
Next time a conservative dittomonkey starts berating you about
taxes, deficits, balanced budgets, and Laffer curves, bust
out this handy factoid,
courtesy of the fiscal wizards in the Bush Administration:
The federal budget deficit for the month of May 2002 was $80.63
billion, the worst montly deficit ever in the history of
the United States. Three words: Bush Tax Cuts. Way
to go, Trifecta-boy! And if those dittomonkeys try to explain
this away as a necessary consequence of the War on Terra,
bust out this, equally handy factoid: The previous record
was from August of 2001, exactly eleven days before the War
on Terra even started. Of course, the conservative idiots
will blame Clinton, using their patented "give the previous
party credit" formula. Here's how it works: Excellent
Clinton Economy = Reagan's fault. Crappy Bush economy = Clinton's
fault. So, when a Democrat is elected in 2004 and the economy
turns around again, who gets the credit? George W. Bush, of
They say politics makes strange bedfellows. And here are some
bedfellows that (to be honest) aren't really that strange
at all. It seems that conservative Christians in the United
States have put aside decades of anti-Arab bigotry to join
forces with hard-line Islam in the fight against liberalism.
(And they said Johnny Lindh was a liberal. Puh-leeeze.)
The target of their unholy alliance is the UN, which they
perceive to be expanding rights to gays, women, and children.
(Yes, children.) According
to the Washington Post, conservative Christians have
"cultivated fresh links with a powerful bloc of more
than 50 moderate and hard-line Islamic governments, including
Sudan, Libya, Iraq and Iran." Said one conservative activist,
"We have realized that without countries like Sudan,
abortion would have been recognized as a universal human right
in a U.N. document." Yes, thank God for countries like
Sudan. I seem to remember that Bill Clinton lobbed a few cruise
missles at Sudan back in the day. Perhaps that explains why
the fundies are all trying to be their friend.
When a suicide bomber blew up a bus in Israel last week, killing
a number of civilians, it was approximately 1:00AM back in
Washington, DC. It was the deadliest suicide attack since
Bush took office, but the White House staff decided not to
Bush, who was sleeping at the time. Apparently peace in the
Middle East is not nearly as important as Dubya's beauty sleep.
"The sad fact is, after so many of these, as horrible
as they are, the 10th and the 20th and the 30th just don't
have the same emotional impact as the first," said Ari
Fleisher. He added, "And besides, the president was dreaming
that he was a little naked cherub flying through a magical
land of unicorns and fluffy clouds. He gets very cranky when
the staff interrupts what he calls 'important presidential
business in nighty-night land.'"
And here's yet another tale of corruption from the
Party Of We Know How To Bring Up Kids Better Than You Do.
It was reported
by the Washington Post last week that the daughter
of Virginia Delegate Jeannemarie Devolites (R-Fairfax) was
sentenced to "more than nine years in federal prison
for her role in a gas-station robbery in Fairfax City that
authorities said was one of a string of armed holdups in Virginia
and New York last summer." Chalk up another victory for
conservative family values!
And the morality tales just keep on rolling in. Last week
the Fort Wayne News-Sentinel reported
that various GOP organizations are returning $38,000 that
they strong-armed out of an 82-year-old lady with dementia,
after her family discovered she had no recollection of sending
money to the groups. The woman responded to a direct mailing,
and once the groups realized that they'd gotten a "live
one" - someone who would donate money - they upped the
mailings until she was receiving "dozens of letters a
week." For six months the College Republican National
Committee, Republican Strategy Headquarters and other GOP
groups bombarded the poor woman with scaremongering letters
which were addressed to her by name and said things like,
"Rush me back $300 right now... if we delay then the
Rule of Law may be dead and America may turn into a Communist
police state." Obviously terrified, she wrote dozens of checks.
So next time you hear the Republicans talking about "Democratic
scaremongering," just remind them of this sick little
Environmental Protection Agency
"EPA says toxic sludge is good for fish" announced
the Washington Times last week - a piece of trivia
that we bet you didn't know before George W. Bush weaseled
his way into the White House, right? Yes, a recent internal
Environmental Protection Agency document came to the stunning
conclusion that it is not a "ridiculous possibility" that
toxic sludge "actually protects the fish in that they are
not inclined to bite [fishing lines] ... but they go ahead
with their upstream movement and egg laying." Isn't that amazing?
So let's get this straight - people don't fish in areas polluted
by toxic sludge, so the fish are actually better off?
We'll leave the punchline to Rep. George P. Radanovich, who
in response to the EPA's conclusion said, "To suggest
that toxic sludge is good for fish because it prevents them
from being caught by man is like suggesting that we club baby
seals to death to prevent them from being eaten by sharks."
[EPA's note to self - club more baby seals]
"You're either with us or against us!" Or you're
Saudi Arabia, in which case you're with us and against
us! Last week it was announced
that our great allies in the so-called war on terror are refusing
to hand over 13 Al Qaeda suspects who have been accused of
plotting to blow up a US plane at a military base near Riyadh.
Now correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't not giving up Al
Qaeda members the very reason we bombed the shit out of
Afghanistan in the first place? Oh, but I forgot - the Taliban
weren't being very cooperative when it came to oil negotiations.
So as long as the Saudis keep that black gold flowing, ol'
Dubya won't have to drop a daisycutter on their asses. Or
at least, it certainly seems that's the way the "war
on terror" works, doesn't it?
Federal Election Commission
So Congress passed campaign finance reform, and Bush signed
it into law, which means we're going to get campaign finance
reform right? Not so fast there, bucko. The Federal
Election Commission is turning the new campaign finance laws
into real-life regulations, and in so doing they are opening
a number of loopholes. Case in point is a regulation which
the ban on soft money, a central part of the legislation.
According to a bipartisan group of federal lawmakers, candidates
will be able to "continue to raise soft money for the
state parties using careful language or a 'wink and a nod.'"
In other words: Candidates can still raise soft money in certain
circumstances, as long as they don't actually say the magic
words, "cough up some soft money." This would re-open
the floodgates of corporate and special-interest soft money,
which were so recently closed. Our electoral system returns
to the status quo ante: Regular people like us get
screwed by the fat-cats.
And finally, it looks like Dubya isn't the only stupid person
in the Bush family - brother Jeb seems to be cut from the
same cloth. While addressing an audience of 300 Florida high-school
girls last week, Governor Jeb made this very admirable statement:
"It's about time a woman became governor of the state of Florida."
Of course, this is one of the more transparent GOP panders
we've seen, considering their party's contempt for women's
concerns. But the real kicker, of course, is that Jeb seems
to be wishing himself out of a job. Janet Reno's campaign
issued a statement that they "couldn't agree more"
with Jeb. The governor sheepishly issued a statment clarifying
that he did not actually want to see a woman become governor
this year, despite what he said when he was trying
to win the adulation of a roomful of adolescent girls. See
you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List