Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 67)
O'Reilly Pissed Off Edition
out Drudge, ol' Bill's a gunning for ya! O'Reilly shoots his
way to the top of the chart this week with a most excellent
celebrity death-threat. But that's not all. Our favorite Republican
scandal Enron (2) is back in the news; now they've been caught
fiddling with the power supply in California. George W. Bush
(3) returns after an absence of several weeks and the ever-idiotic
John Ashcroft (4) wants Bill O'Reilly to be able to carry
out his threat more easily. Meanwhile Drew Carey (6) makes
his debut appearance (but we fear it may not be his last)
and Guy Velella (8) is the latest Republican to go down on
corruption charges. And at the very bottom of the barrel we
find a man who really deserves a Lifetime Achievement Award
for Conservative Idiocy - Dan Quayle (10).
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What do you do if you're a egotistical conservative who figures
there's money to be made in talk radio, but your banter is
way too lame to impress radio stations across the country?
Do what any self-serving conservative would do, of course
- line their pockets. Clearly the media is still too liberal
and conservatives just aren't getting enough airtime on the
AM band because last week Bill O'Reilly's new talk show debuted
on a record number of stations across the country. But it
was red-face time for Blowhard Bill when Matt Drudge reported
on his website that the stations were being paid to
carry O'Reilly's show - a "dramatic reversal from normal
radio practice." Oh dear. So what was O'Reilly's response
to the Drudge accusations? Typically conservative, I'm afraid.
Taking a leaf from the Anne Coulter Hitman's Handbook (see
Idiots 54) O'Reilly announced
on "Imus in the Morning" that "There is no other
cure than to kill Matt Drudge." Fair and balanced all the
Behold the power of unchecked capitalism and corporate deregulation
- the two things which truly make America great. It was revealed
last week that Enron lawyers wrote a memo in December 2000
detailing how the company could shaft the consumers of California
by creating phantom congestion and making phony sales among
its affiliates to bump up electricity prices. Of one strategy,
lawyers wrote, "The net effect of these transactions
is that Enron gets paid for moving energy to relieve congestion
without actually moving any energy or relieving any congestion."
Another method involved Enron sending energy out of, and then
back into California, to avoid price caps. Now presumably
the boys in Houston assumed that nothing bad would befall
them since their guy was already installed in the White House
at this point - and guess what? They were right. Yup, if your
corporation owns the White House, you can do pretty much anything
you like. Oh, wait a minute - George "Honor and Integrity"
Bush doesn't even know Ken Lay, does he?
Good old Dubya really stepped on some toes last week by blocking
an international drive to promote teen sex education. Bush
laughably believes that chastity before marriage is very important
(of course he was still a virgin when he married Pickles,
what are you insinuating?) and therefore the rest of the world
should just shut up about sex, right now. Several European
Union governments are extremely pissed off by Bush's refusal
to sign a United Nations declaration on children's rights,
"unless pledges on sexual health services are scrapped,"
to the London Observer. That's probably George's definition
of leaving no child behind. Apparently every minute
five people under 25 are infected with HIV worldwide - and
George's solution is to tell them to simply stop having sex.
Well, if it works for Catholic priests it'll probably work
for hormonal teenagers, right?
In an interesting Constitutional law development last week,
John Ashcroft basically told the Supreme Court that they can
stick 60 years of federal policy where the sun don't shine.
to Ashcroft, the Second Amendment gives individuals
the right to bear arms. Never mind the opinions of the Supreme
Court, most legal scholars, and even the Justice Department
itself since 1939. And so, in the midst of civil liberties
crackdowns and First Amendment zones, Herr Ashcroft thinks
that the best solution to fighting terrorism is to make sure
there are more guns out on the streets, and that they
are more easily available. Incidentally, according to the
Violence Policy Center, 28,874 Americans were killed with
guns in 1999. But that's okay by John Ashcroft because...
most of them were probably criminals anyway... and cars must
have killed a lot more... and, well, gun crime is going up
in Britain doncha know... and, um, well, what? Are you going
to ban knives next? You can pry them from my cold dead fingers!
Get your hands off me you stinking communist!
Vroom! Vroom! It appears that former first lady Barbara Bush
is not the genteel old lady that we thought. Last week Newsweek
reported that until recently, NASCAR Bar liked to race around
the sleepy town of Kennebunkport, Maine in a black TransAm.
Yes, the rusty old jalopy was often seen out and about, zooming
round the backstreets and tearing up the country lanes - although
sometimes she decided to walk instead (boom tiss).
But sadly, Bar says she had to give up her beloved wheels
due to potential, um, family
issues. "That car was an invitation for one of the grandchildren
to get arrested. The last thing we need is for another one
of them... " Bar stopped speaking midsentence, so her family
secret is still safe. But to be honest, I don't really know
what she's so worried about - if you're a Bush you can get
arrested for DUI or your wife can kill someone while driving,
and you'll still end up in the White House!
I used to enjoy Drew Carey's portrayal of an unattractive-but-lovable
everyday blue-collar guy. But I'm afraid after the White House
Press Dinner last week I'm going to view him from now on as
an unattractive-and-hate-filled brown-nosing
George Bush butt-licker. Carey told some hilarious
jokes throughout the evening, such as, "He won. They
lost. That's what happened." And, "There was no
vote rigging or any of that crap." Funny stuff, huh?
Environmental Protection Agency? That's a laugh. What "protection
agency" would create a new rule which would allow coal
mining companies to fill streams, rivers and wetlands with
industrial waste? Yet that's just what the Bush administration
last week. The rule would overturn Army Corps of Engineers
regulations which prohibit mining companies from dumping waste
in nearby waterways. Guess Earth Day is just something that
happens to other planets, eh George? Fortunately a federal
judge blocked the rule, calling it a violation of the 1977
Clean Water Act and saying that, "Only the United States
Congress can rewrite the Act to allow fills with no purpose
or use but the deposit of waste." Still, since when has something
so insignificant as the United States Congress gotten in the
way of the Bush Administration's decision making?
Here's an update on the Grand Old Party of Morals, Values,
and Personal Responsibility. Guy Velella, a Republican state
senator from New York, surrendered last week after he was
charged with taking cash bribes from companies in return for
state bridge painting contracts. According
to the Associated Press, "Reports linking the senator
to the bribery investigation surfaced two years ago, just
weeks before he was last reelected. At the time, he called
the accusations politically motivated." Oh well - just
because attacks are politically motivated doesn't mean that
you're not a lying crook. Have you ever noticed that the Republicans
seem to be constantly shouting about criminal Democrats, despite
any lack of evidence, while members of their own party keep
going to jail on corruption charges? Oh well.
Justice Stephen Limbaugh, who is - yes! - related to our favorite
sweat-trap Rush "lard-lad" Limbaugh, came to an
interesting conclusion about video games last week: "[There
is] no conveyance of ideas, expression, or anything else that
could possibly amount to speech. The court finds that video
games have more in common with board games and sports than
they do with motion pictures." Limbaugh obviously studied
video games extensively for his research, since he
listed in his opinion "Fear Effect", "Doom"
(which is nearly 10 years old), "Mortal Combat"
(um, don't you mean "Kombat?"), and "The Resident
of Evil Creek" (er, I'm sure that's "Resident Evil."
You know - they made it into a movie). See, apparently
NO video games count as free speech, because the ones Limbaugh
reviewed - oh-so-thoroughly - did not contain "extensive
plot and character development." So there you have it:
proof that spouting endless crap on subjects you know nothing
about is a trait which definitely runs in the Limbaugh family...
And finally, the award for the longest-running spin of all
time goes to... Dan Quayle. The guy is starting to sound like
a broken record. Dan popped up from whatever dank hidey-hole
he's been lurking in to announce last week (for the 10,000th
time) that... he was right about Murphy Brown! (No,
not this again.) Quayle took a slightly different tack this
reporters at the National Press Club that, "I never criticized
single mothers. What I was trying to do was point out the
reality of their struggles and the difficulties they have
in raising their children." So there you have it - it's
taken ten years, but he's still perfecting his spin
on the Murphy Brown story. Phew! Dan then went on to insist
that, "I was right - it is spelled POTATOE."
See you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List