Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 66)
Osama, Where Art Thou? Edition
seems that action-figure George is having better luck catching
action-figure Osama than real George is having catching real
Osama. But you'll have to read on down to number 7 for that
one, because we've got a trailerfull of quality idiots this
week. Take Jeb Bush (1) and the House Republicans (2) ably
demonstrating that drug use is something you throw other
people in jail for. And Condoleezza Rice (3) apparently
thinks that overthrowing duly elected foreign leaders is just
fine. But then what's new. John "I Can't Be Bothered"
Ashcroft (4) is back, faithfully enforcing "good"
laws but not worrying too much about the ones he doesn't like.
And Justice Roy Moore (6) makes his third appearance on the
chart. Rounding out the list we have old faves Fox News (8)
and Saudi Arabia (9), and you'll definitely want to read about
Ric Keller (10). Enjoy, and don't forget the key.
Last week it was reported that Jeb Bush broke into tears as
he addressed a Drug Summit in Tallahassee. Apparently
the stress of having a drug addict for a daughter is just
too much for the poor guy. "I want to thank you on behalf
of my wife for your prayers and for your quiet counseling
in the last few months about our daughter Noelle," he said.
"Bush men always cry, I apologize. It's a little genetic problem
I got from my dad." (Never mind that his brother George has
probably never cried in his life, unless you count the time
he mocked Texas death-row inmate Karla Faye Tucker, pretending
to cry as he begged "Please don't kill me.") Jeb's is a classic
case of conservative self-compassion. He knows firsthand how
tough it is to have a drug addict in the family when you're
an extremely well-connected multimillionaire white guy, but
he's got no sympathy for poor minorities with the same problem.
While we're talking about drug use by rich white people, here's
an interesting little story from the U.S. House of Representatives:
Eleven congressional pages were given the boot last week because
they were caught with dope in their dorm. No surprise there
- after all, the Republicans are known as staunch anti-drug
crusaders who have long fought for harsher criminal penalties
for illicit drug use. Strangely, however, these congressional
pages were not turned in to local police. Why? "We don't comment
on personnel matters," said a spokesman for House Speaker
Dennis Hastert. It turns out that the eleven pages were all
nominated by Republican members of the House, no doubt drawing
from a diverse pool of children of well-connected, rich, white
Republicans. For kids like that, you see, drug use is a "personal
matter." It's only criminal for the rest of us.
Get your gag-sacks at the ready - this spin is liable to cause
nausea and dizziness. Condoleezza Rice was explaining the
Bush administration's international policy to students at
Johns Hopkins University last week, when, on the subject of
the US-endorsed Venezuelan coup she claimed that, "Just
because Chavez was elected doesn't mean he exhibited democratic
to Yahoo News. Yes that's right - if the unelected Bush junta
thinks that the duly elected leader of a foreign country is
exhibiting undemocratic values, then they have the right -
no, the duty - to step in and remove that leader through
undemocratic methods. Oh, wait a minute, I forgot - we had
nothing to do with it, did
Remember the Ashcroft confirmation hearings? Responding to
Democratic concerns, the arch-conservative former senator
from Missouri insisted that if he were confirmed as Attorney
General, he would faithfully enforce all federal laws,
even those with which he disagreed. Last week we learned
that it was all a pack of conservative lies. Senator Charles
Schumer unveiled a study, which showed that under Ashcroft's
crooked leadership, the Justice Department has been purposely
shirking its responsibility to enforce our nation's environmental
laws. Typically, the DOJ would show up for the court cases,
but they just wouldn't try very hard. Eventually, they either
(a) lose the case and then don't bother to appeal, or (b)
enter into a sweetheart settlement that lets their corporate
buddies get off scott-free. What's the point of even having
laws when the Attorney General won't enforce them?
We've all heard of school dress codes - but this
is ridiculous. Parents of children at Rancho Bernardo High
School, San Diego, were most upset to discover that the school's
vice principal, Rita Wilson, was conducting an "underwear
check" at a recent school dance. Yes that's right. An
underwear check. See, Wilson was trying to find out if any
of the girls attending the dance were wearing a thong - if
they were, they were sent home to change. Apparently girls
who arrived at the dance wearing short skirts were immediately
asked the question, "What kind of underwear do you have
on?" and in some cases Mrs. Wilson was lifting skirts to make
extra-sure. Parents are understandably outraged, but unfortunately
there's nothing they can do. You see, Wilson's actions are
perfectly legal under clause 12.6.d of the Patriot Act, which
gives conservative idiots "underpant ascertainment and
Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court Roy Moore is no
stranger to this list (see Idiots 30 & 56) and he's back
again this week with a great display of conservative fiscal
responsibility. It seems that there has been a serious budget
crisis in the Alabama court system, but don't worry - Roy
Moore came up with a great solution. First he severely curtailed
jury trials, leaving accused men and women sitting in jail
and victims stuck pondering the outcome of their ordeals.
But that's the clever part! The absence of jury trials allowed
Moore to lay off 170 part-time temporary employees and save
the state the $10 a day it pays jurors. Clever huh? In fact
Moore was so pleased with himself that he promptly gave two
of his top administrators a five percent pay
raise. Everyone's a winner with Chief Justice Roy Moore!
for cashing in? Connecticut toy-makers Herobuilders have been
churning out thousands of George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden
dolls to thriftless tobacco-chewing rubes nationwide. The
company originally made Bush, Giuliani, and Tony Blair dolls
(for legal reasons known respectively as "Our Hero,"
"The Rock," and "The Ally" - gag) but
apparently they couldn't ignore the demand for Osama dolls.
Not that "Our Hero" seems to give much of a toss
about apprehending the evil-doer these days, but at least
with these dolls he can pretend that he's caught him.
Plus the company apparently has no plans to make a "fat
bin Laden" and a "thin bin Laden," as seen
in Osama's video appearances, but hey, you can't have it all.
Who are we to knock this kind of free enterprise anyway? After
that's what makes America great. I guess.
You can be sure to get real expert opinion and commentary
from Fox News, because they take their news very seriously.
Very seriously indeed. After all, they are the Fair And Balanced
news network, aren't they? They report, you decide. Well we've
decided - Fox News doesn't know its ass from its elbow. Take
their ex-military expert Joseph A. Cafasso for example - lieutenant
colonel, Silver Star winner, Vietnam veteran, a member of
the secret mission to rescue the Iranian hostages in 1980
- a real military hero with a real knowledge of his subject.
Um, except... not. According
to the New York Times, "records indicate that
his total military experience was 44 days of boot camp at
Fort Dix, N.J., in May and June 1976, and his honorable discharge
as a private, first class." Wow, those guys at Fox News
are real fact-checkers, ain't they? Speaks volumes for their
credentials as a "news" service...
Considering the fact that most of the 9/11 hijackers were
Saudis, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has had it pretty easy.
Fortunately they had the Taliban in Afghanistan to take the
heat off them while they killed schoolgirls and homosexuals
in their own country (see Idiots passim), and held telethons
for suicide bombers. Last week they added
to their string of hits by cracking down on indecent women's
clothing. (Saudi definition of indecent: a thick and non-revealing
black cloak with "sequins on the cuffs or a jeans pocket sewn
on the back.") Despite the fact that George W. Bush has been
sucking up to them for the last year and a half, the Saudis
still felt the need to buff up their image. So the embassy
of Saudi Arabia has signed up a bunch of big-name
DC Lobbying and P.R. firms, including some with close ties
to the GOP. The result: a bunch of disgusting commercials
touting the Kingdom as our ally in the War on Terrorism. To
which ordinary Americans can only wonder, "with allies like
And finally: what do you call a Republican who's so dumb it
makes you want to poke your eyes out with a wet piece of lettuce?
The answer: Ric Keller. Mr. Keller is running for Congress
in Orlando, FL, and by all accounts he's a shoo-in. Keller
is the incumbent and has raised more than $1 million in campaign
contributions. By contrast his opponent, Democrat Eddie Díaz,
has only raised $20,000. But here's the twist - Eddie Díaz
is a former police officer who took several bullets during
a traffic stop in 2000. He spent the last two years recuperating
- his partner, George DeSalvia, was killed. So if you were
Ric Keller, what do you think your best strategy would be
to win this election. Focus on the issues? Take the high ground?
Stay on message? Not this Ric Keller, baby! In a campaign
blunder of epic proportions, Keller contacted DeSalvia's family
specifically for the purposes of discrediting
Díaz - yup, they've been campaigning on the message that Díaz
didn't do enough to save his former partner's life (while
Díaz was lying shot on the ground). How smart is that?
Exploiting the death of your opponent's former partner for
political purposes must obviously rank right up there on the
compassionate conservative's to-do list. See you next week...
a Conservative for Next Week's List