Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 65)
Pat On The Nose Edition
have a new entry at the top of the chart this week - Bill
Schneider of CNN makes his debut in the number one spot. But
you don't have to look far for some old faces. Pat Robertson
(2) twists logic's arm behind its back, and Ari Fleischer
(3) just twists and turns like a twisty turny thing. Tom DeLay
makes it two weeks in a row, hitting the number four slot
this time, and Tom Feeney (5) never had a friend he couldn't
write helpful legislation for. Bringing up the rear we have
John Engler (7) who wins this week's hypocrisy award, the
Saudi Delegation (8) who would rather their pilots didn't
have to talk to any girls, and Jesse Helms (10) who takes
a licking but keeps on ticking (eeewww). As usual, here's
Way, way back in Idiots 7 we noted that Mr. Rush Limbaugh
had been making some interesting comments about the 2000 election
results, to wit: "If you take away the black vote, Bush
won by a landslide." Pretty dumb, even for a fat bag
of wind such as Limbaugh. But apparently this nonsense crept
into the mainstream last week when CNN's Bill "The Shill"
Schneider did a special puff piece to bolster
Bush's pseudo-legitimacy. You see, as Schneider explained
(with fancy graphics), if you don't count black people's votes,
Bush would have won by 187 electoral college votes! Fancy
that! And not only that, but if you take away the black
vote in the 2000 Senate races, the Dems would win only 37
seats instead of 50, or, as Schneider himself put it, "a
hopeless minority." Apparently Schneider is of the opinion
that the white vote is the only vote that matters. Too bad
for him we have a little document called the U.S. Constitution
which requires candidates to win a majority of votes cast
by all voters, regardless of race. So, when is Schneider
going to do a piece on the size of Gore's landslide if you
take away the votes of drunk banjo-playing inbreds? Just wondering...
From the "practice what you preach" file: Pat Robertson, a
God-fearing Christian man, believes that gambling is a sin.
But apparently lining one's own pockets with dirty gambling
money is A-OK. Consider: Last week it was reported
that the oh-so-Right Reverend Robertson owns a racehorse,
Mr. Pat. (In naming the horse, it seems that Rev. Pat forgot
that vanity was one of the seven deadly sins.) Of course,
Rev. Pat sees no contradiction between condemning gambling
and owning racehorses. "I don't bet on my own horses, and
I don't think anyone else should either," he said. Pat owns
racehorses because he likes to "look at them as performers
and study their bloodlines." You see, the gambling isn't his
problem because he's not gambling. By Pat's awesome moral
logic, one could argue that drug users are sinners, but drug
dealers are just people who enjoy a good vacation to Colombia
once in a while.
Axe in hand, George W. Bush was out and about chopping down
trees to celebrate Earth Day last week. Meanwhile, Al Gore
was assailing the Bush administration's environmental record
in a New York Times guest column. "Put simply, on the
environment, this administration has consistently sold out
America's future in return for short-term political gains,"
wrote the real President of the United States. So what was
the Bush administration's spin on Gore's accusations? Step
forward Bush Spokesliar Ari Fleischer, who rather poorly attempted
to blow the whole thing off: "I think that has more to
do with internal Democratic posturing than it does with any
serious assessment of the president's environmental record.
After all, (Gore) in an era of peace and prosperity made the
same charges in the campaign and the voters elected President
Bush." Well Ari, thanks for reminding us of Clinton/Gore's
eight years of peace and prosperity. But you really need to
get over this idea the the "voters elected President
Bush." Last we heard the Crawford Crapster received half
a million votes fewer than Al Gore.
Tom DeLay's appearances on the chart are like buses - cheap,
noisy, and smelly. Um - I mean, you don't see one for ages
and then two come along at once. After cracking the Top Ten
at number three last week, he's back for more with this classic
from a speech to the First Baptist Church of Pearland, TX.:
"Ladies and gentlemen, Christianity offers the only viable,
reasonable, definitive answer to the questions of 'Where did
I come from?' 'Why am I here?' 'Where am I going?' 'Does life
have any meaningful purpose?'" Yes, it seems that Preacher
Tom has figured out the answers to life, the universe, and
everything. So there you have it - one of the most powerful
members of the government of a country which prides itself
on freedom of religion has decided that Christianity is the
only viable answer. Thanks Tom!
Last week it was reported
that the Orlando regional transit authority (Lynx) voted to
ask Jeb Bush to smack down a bill proposed by Florida House
Speaker Tom Feeney. Why? Because the bill would shut down
the agency's transportation program for the poor and elderly.
Nice. But here's the deal - it turns out that if the bill
is passed, a firm represented by a very good friend of Tom
Feeney gets to take over Lynx's $47 million transit contract.
Gee, betcha never saw that coming. Yup, it's yet another
example of Republican capitalism at its finest...
Michael Williams is a Republican candidate for the 5th Congressional
District seat in Alabama. And boy, does he have an interesting
platform. Firstly, Mr. Williams has proposed a 1 percent tax
on science fiction novels to help fund NASA. And secondly,
Williams has called for a "global grand convention"
which would ensure all inhabitants of Earth the same basic
rights found in the U.S. Constitution. But that's not all
- the resolution would also, according
to the Huntsville Times, "require holding a constitutional
convention when 30,000 colonists have settled or been born
'on the moon, Mars or any other celestial body besides the
Earth.'" Which leaves us with the question: what planet
is Michael Williams from, exactly?
How's this for hypocrisy? Governor John Engler of Michigan
spent much of the 1990's trashing Al Gore's environmental
ideas and telling autoworkers that Gore would destroy the
automobile industry. But - surprise! - last week, Gov. Engler
plans to create an energy research center. The center would
focus on developing hybrid and hydrogen fuel engines. Of course,
Al Gore has been advocating this kind of technology for years
- and blinkered politicos like Engler have been alternately
mocking, scaremongering, and pointing fingers. So does Engler
feel bad about flip-flopping on this issue? Fat chance. "It
isn't the kind of ruinous policy Gore was advocating," Engler
huffed, earning himself the Lame-Ass Excuse Of The Year Award.
But we'll give Gore spokesman Jano Cabrera the last word:
"By 2004 Gov. Engler will realize that we need not only alternative
energies, but an alternative administration." Damn straight!
Our great ally, homosexual-executing and schoolgirl-burning
Saudi Arabia is up to its medieval tricks once again. The
Dallas News reported
last week that Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah's representatives
requested that no female air traffic controllers be on duty
when Abdullah traveled to Texas for his summit with Dubya.
Presumably this was for safety reasons, since hearing a female
voice on the other end of the radio could arouse the pilots
of Prince Abdullah's plane with potentially lethal results.
Unfortunately authorities in the Houston en route center apparently
refused to comply with the prince's request, leaving the Saudi
pilots wrestling for control of their joysticks.
Watts and Dick Armey
Last week congressional Democrats unveiled their winning message
for the 2002 election season. Under the slogan "Securing America's
Future for All of our Families," soon-to-be House Speaker
Gephardt outlined an agenda focusing on healthcare, financial
security, education, and the environment. Republicans, ideologically
bankrupt and unable to provide any substantive policy alternative,
responded with a chorus of pathetic whining.
Apparently GOP crybabies are of the opinion that only the
Republican party can claim to be "Securing America's Future,"
declaring that they were the first to ever coin this highly-original
turn-of-phrase. "They've stolen our slogan," Rep. J.C. Watts
sputtered, his fists clenched and his eyes welling up with
tears. He then muttered something about taking his ball and
going home. Dick Armey joined the GOP pout-fest, saying, "we
were securing America's future long before they stumbled on
to this rhetorical hijacking," adding that his dad could beat
up Gephardt's dad. Waaahhhh!
And finally, our old friend Jesse Helms was admitted
to a Maryland hospital for open heart surgery last week. The
surgery lasted five hours. "He did very well," said Helms's
chief of staff, Jimmy Broughton. The surgeon in charge of
the operation added, "It's usually a much quicker procedure,
but when we opened up the Senator's chest we had a bit of
trouble finding the damn thing." <rimshot> See
you next week!
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