Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 59)
AVOT Onslaught Edition
you're looking for conservative idiots, we've got AVOT, er,
I mean a lot. In fact, we've got the 10 most idiotic
right here. William Bennett (1) is squelching free
thought. The Bush Administration (2) is calling the Mugabe
kettle black in Zimbabwe. Rich Lowry (3) dropped rhetorical
bombs, while Republican Crybabies (4) watched Pickering crash
and burn in the Senate Judiciary Committee. Meanwhile, Paula
Jones (6) tried to Box on FOX, and the Florida DMV (7) thinks
"ATHEIST" is a four-letter word, and Paul Harvey
(10) spreads lies. (If you're wondering what the little icons
Don't always think in lockstep with George W. Bush? Have an
irritating tendency to sometimes disagree with Ari Fleischer?
Occasionally want to ask a question about our tactics in the
War on Terror? Well not for long, because Bill Bennett is
here to solve all of your problems! Don't miss conservative
crusader Bennett's new organization, Americans for Victory
Over Terrorism (AVOT), guaranteed to wipe those irritating
feelings of dissent clean away. Can you smell the patriotism?
Americans for Victory Over Terrorism is striving
to prevent that most un-American disease, "free thought,"
from infecting upstanding citizens while our glorious leader
is fighting a WAR. They will soon be taking the good fight
to "campuses, salons, oratorical societies, editorial pages
and television," near you. Yes, Bill Bennett's Americans for
Victory Over Terrorism is guaranteed to wash away all your
questions, leaving you feeling comfortable, safe, and secure
in the knowledge that George W. Bush is running the war just
fine. Doesn't that feel good?
What's this? Colin Powell announced
last week that the elections were marked by "numerous and
profound irregularities," that the president may "claim victory
but not democratic legitimacy," and that the outcome did not
reflect the will of the people. But don't get too excited
- he was talking about the recent elections in Zimbabwe, not
the Coup of 2000. Yup, the needle has snapped off the hypocrisy
meter once again. Regardless of the real outcome in Zimbabwe,
the fact that the Bush administration has the chutzpah
to complain about electoral irregularities shows them up for
the double-talking, spinning, lying cheats they truly are.
Oh, but then I guess you already knew that - unless you're
one of those people who believes that it was Al Gore
who was trying to steal the election, and Bush courageously
stopped him, of course. That's okay, just don't forget to
keep taking your medication!
Rich Lowry, editor of National Review Online, had Ann
Coulter fired after she made her infamous "invade their countries"
and "swarthy males" remarks following September 11 (see Idiots
37). But what's this? It seems that Mr. Lowry is a bit of
a hypocrite when it comes to the subject of good ol' crusades.
In replies to emails on his site last week, Lowry suggested
that a good way to win the war on terror would be to nuke
Mecca. Well, not exactly win the war on terror
per se, but certainly shit those A-rabs up a bit. "Mecca seems
extreme, of course, but then again few people would die and
it would send a signal," he mused. Uh, sure. In his
defense, Lowry claimed that he was merely employing "understated
sarcasm." You know, like if I said for example, "Anyone who
advocates the use of a first-strike nuclear strategy should
be kicked firmly in the ass until he cries for his mommy.
Seems extreme, but then it would send a signal." Get
it? Understated sarcasm.
What goes around comes around. The Republicans got a taste
of things to come last week, as the nomination of right-wing
extremist Charles W. Pickering to the 5th Circuit Court of
Appeals was deep-sixed in the Senate Judiciary Committee.
The verdict: Republican Crybabies can dish it out, but they
take it. Trent Lott called it a "slap at Mississippi."
George W. Bush called it "unfortunate for democracy and unfortunate
for America." Senator Charles Grassley of Iowa called it "guerilla
tactics" by liberal interest groups to "hijack the Senate."
We here at Democratic Underground call it sweet revenge.
After watching Orrin "the hatchet-man" Hatch and his minions
in the Senate sink President Clinton's judicial nominees for
six years straight, I can't help but feel all warm and fuzzy
inside. And I'm going to come right out and say it: This jerk
lost on ideology and ideology alone. Consider this
a warning, Dubya… If you try to place a right-wing extremist
on the U.S. Supreme Court, you're gonna have to get him through
the U.S. Senate first.
Fineberg and the 911 Fund
Who's getting compensated by the 911 fund if their loved one
was killed in the September 11 tragedy? Practically everybody
- including illegal immigrants and, yes, fetuses. But as a
celebration of the great diversity of America in the 21st
Century, the 911 fund has decided that gay people simply aren't
as important as illegal immigrants and fetuses. Kenneth Fineberg,
head of the September 11th Victim Compensation Fund, appeared
on Meet the Press last week to announce
that he was terribly sorry but he could only give compensation
to homosexuals living in states which legally recognize gay
partnerships. "I've got to rely on state law," he sighed to
a simpering Tim Russert. Oh, wait a minute - he wasn't sorry
at all. Funny that Fineberg doesn't seem to have a problem
getting John Ashcroft to break federal laws so he can
give checks to illegal aliens. I guess in Dubya's America,
some victims are just more deserving than others. Sickening.
Poor Paula Jones. She used to be the toast of United States
Senators, opinion page editors, and independent counsels.
Multi-millionaires showered her with money for cosmetic surgery
and bankrolled her court cases. But now that the vast right
wing conspiracy has no more use for her, Paula's gone from
hero to zero. The former belle of the ball has been reduced
to appearing in cheesy promotional stunts
in a pathetic effort to extend her 15 minutes. Last week she
went mano a mano with former figure skating thug Tonya
Harding, on the FOX network's "Celebrity Boxing" program -
placing her in the distinguished company of has-beens like
Vanilla Ice, Danny Partridge, Greg Brady, and Willis from
"Diff'rent Strokes." When it was all over, Tonya "TNT" Harding
beat Paula "the Pounder" Jones in a TKO. Ah, schadenfreude.
If you want to get a vanity license plate in Florida, you've
got to get the approval of the Florida Department of Highway
Safety and Motor Vehicles. In the last three years, the DMV
a total of 57 plates that they deemed "obscene or objectionable,"
including tags involving expletives or sex acts… and one tag
with the word "ATHEIST." You heard me right… "ATHEIST." Fortunately,
the decision was overturned, but not before the eeeevil ACLU
stepped in. It would seem that the state of Florida is on
a constitutional rights roll these days. First, they
took away the right to vote, and then they decided that declaring
one's religious affiliation is offensive. (To be fair, if
you're a Republican, you've still got the right to vote, and
if you're a Christian, you can still have a license plate
that says "JESUS," so at least the Constitution still applies
to respectable people.)
This one goes well past the definition of "idiocy" and can
simply be filed under "pure evil." Last week the BBC reported
that the Saudi Arabian religious police deliberately prevented
schoolgirls from leaving a burning building because they weren't
wearing correct Islamic dress. Fifteen children died. Apparently
one witness reported that policemen were "beating young girls
to prevent them from leaving the school." Will the Bush administration
speak out on this? Unlikely. They have too many irons in the
Saudi Arabian fire (see Idiots 49) to admit that a government
which allows these disgusting human rights abuses may not
be our "allies." Absolutely disgraceful.
Nine years after Bill Clinton tried unsuccessfully to open
our armed forces to gays and lesbians, anti-gay hate
is still alive and well in the United States military. According
to a report by the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network (SLDN),
the number of people discharged for being gay has increased
yet again, to 1,241 in 2001. Additionally, cases of anti-gay
harassment in the armed forces increased 23% over the previous
year, to 1,075. According to SLDN, the Pentagon and the Bush
Administration has "virtually ignored" the "don't ask, don't
tell" policy, which calls for training about the directive,
and they have "allowed a climate of pervasive anti-gay sentiment
to fester and grow." The Pentagon isn't just fighting a war
against terror, it's also terrorizing gays and lesbians.
And finally: We noted three weeks ago that the right-wingnuts
lied when they said that Ken Lay slept in the Lincoln Bedroom
when Bill Clinton was president (see Idiots 56). This complete
and utter falsehood was conclusively proved to be VRWC baloney,
reported as such throughout the media. But some right-wing
shills are continuing to repeat this irresponsible
lie as if it were fact. One of the most high profile of
these shills is surely doddering newsreader and professional
old bastard Paul Harvey, who last week forgot to take his
Citrical and felt it necessary to tell the nation that Ken
Lay had spent the night at the White House eleven times.
Paul should fire his researchers, or at least whack them in
the ankles with his walking stick. But then, since he was
just repeating the story from the Washington Times
who later retracted it, what do you expect. So anyway, we
think we've discovered Paul's magic formula. Page One: Fox
News. Page Two: The Washington Times. Page Three: Newsmax.com.
Page Four: White House talking points. And that's the rrrrrrRREST.......
of the story. See you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List