Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 54)
Kill the Traitorous Liberals Edition
though we're in the middle of another DU fund
drive, we're still giving away a ten-pack of Conservative
Idiots ABSOLUTELY FREE! In the number one slot, Ann Coulter
(who can't possibly believe the stuff that comes out of her
own mouth) turns up the hateful conservative rhetoric. Paul
O'Neill (2) gets weepy. Enron (3) is caught in yet another
lie. Meanwhile, Charles Pickering (6) gives us a lesson in
compassionate conservative bigotry, and Antonin Scalia (8)
shows a little compassionate conservative megalomania. Bringing
up the rear, Rush (10) takes on the liberal New England Patriots.
(Here's what the icons
It's been a few weeks since we had a good Coulterism, so here's
her latest in a long line of laughable tirades. At the Conservative
Political Action Conference last week, Ann said
"When contemplating college liberals, you really regret once
again that John Walker is not getting the death penalty. We
need to execute people like John Walker in order to physically
intimidate liberals, by making them realize that they can
be killed too. Otherwise they will turn out to be outright
traitors." You know, she could be on to something here - I
mean, take that 15-year-old who crashed his plane into the
Bank of America building in Tampa. Obviously a classic example
of liberal parenting. Or perhaps not.
But anyway, poor Ann has now reached a point where she is
simply using John Walker Lindh to advocate death to liberals.
Well, it is one of America's founding principals, isn't it?
Intimidate and/or kill those who disagree with you. I'm sure
it says so right there in the Constitution.
Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill used to be known for his multi-million
dollar fortune. Now he's known for crying
like a little girl in the middle of Senate Budget Committee
hearings. Poor Paul had his ass handed to him by Senator Robert
Byrd last week, when Byrd spent 15 minutes haranguing O'Neill
over his new budget document. According to the Washington
Post, "O'Neill, 66, paused about 20 seconds before answering,
his eyes appearing to glisten. His voice cracked. He took
deep breaths between sentences, repeatedly clenching his hands,
seemingly trying to collect his thoughts and hold his temper."
There, there, Paul. Don't let the nasty man upset you. Afterwards,
when O'Neill was asked if there were tears in his eyes, he
replied, "That was fire." Bullshit, Paulie! That was
you sobbing for your mommy in the middle of an important government
meeting. Boo hoo!
George W. Bush said that he was going to run this country
like a business. We strongly suspect that the business he
was referring to was Enron. But in amongst all the book-cooking
and paper-shredding, it appears that Enron also managed to
partake in some good old-fashioned farce.
Some employees have recently come forward to spill the beans
on a little bait-and-switch activity which took place in 1998
so that Enron could impress Wall Street analysts. Apparently
Enron rushed around 75 employees - including secretaries and
sales representatives - to an empty trading floor at Enron's
Houston headquarters, and made them act as if they were selling
energy contracts. Computers and phones were brought in, and
the employees were instructed to pretend to type or talk on
the phone while the Wall Street analysts were ushered through.
This fraudulent activity apparently only took ten minutes,
which was enough to convince the visiting analysts that Enron
was going places in a hurry. One former employee said, "They
told us it was very important for us to make a good impression
and if the analysts saw that the operation was disorganized,
they wouldn't give the company a good [credit] rating." An
analyst who was shown around that day remembers that, "The
trading floor looked fully staffed. There was a presentation
in a little auditorium right where EES was operating. It looked
like people were very busy. We didn't interact with any of
the employees on the floor." What a beautiful example of unrestrained
corporate capitalism. Doesn't this kind of activity make you
wonder why there are still fools out there calling for stricter
corporate oversight? They just don't understand that this
is the way big business should work.
Office of National Drug Control Policy
Does anyone have any idea why the Bush administration spent
$3.5 million on anti-drug commercials
during the Super Bowl? It sure as hell wasn't to encourage
people to stop taking drugs. The commercials, which preached
that American drug users are funding terrorists, were designed
solely to further demonize drug use (illegal, of course -
not state-approved narcotics such as Oxycontin or, um, Xanax)
among non-drug users. Interestingly, the commercials made
no mention of what kind of drugs are funding terrorists.
Does this mean that if you grow your own weed for personal
consumption you're giving money to terrorists? Of course it
does, you fool. Yes, the administration is using these commercials
to make people believe that if you fire up a blunt, then you
might as well have flown those planes into the World Trade
Center yourself. "It's so important for Americans to know
that the traffic in drugs finances the work of terror, sustaining
terrorists, that terrorists use drug profits to fund their
cells to commit acts of murder. If you quit drugs, you join
the fight against terror in America," said Dubya himself.
But wait a second - while we're on the subject of where terrorists
get their money and weapons, shouldn't we perhaps mention
that it was Ronald Reagan and Poppy Bush who supplied advanced
weaponry to the Afghan regime? And if my memory serves me
correctly, I believe they also sold weapons to Iran (a member
of the "axis of evil" if I'm not mistaken) in order to fund
right-wing militants in Central America. Remind me again who's
helping terrorists? However, in retrospect I think that these
ads have a point. That's why from now on I'll only be buying
Afghan heroin, so I can help rebuild their economy and show
my support for the new government.
Funny how during Bush's election campaign he claimed time
after time that he would be the complete opposite of Bill
Clinton (and in some ways he was right - recession, war, deficits,
etc, etc.) And yet one of the Bush administration's staple
defenses in the Enron case is, "well, what we did was no different
from what the Clinton administration did." Oh really? But
I thought that everything Clinton ever did was wrong? And
something tells me that if Clinton was president right now
there would be special prosecutors digging through his trash
cans as we speak. But of course, special prosecutors are not
warranted in this case. Why? Because Bush says
so. "This is a business problem. And my Justice Department
is going to investigate, and if there's wrongdoing, we'll
hold them accountable for mistreatment of employees and shareholders,"
he said last week. Well that's nice. We're sure that "his"
Justice Department (that would be the one headed by John Ashcroft,
who had to recuse himself because of his dealings with Enron)
will be able to root out corruption all the way to the highest
level. In fact, the Justice Department has already said that
a special prosecutor is not warranted, so we can all rest
easy knowing that this "business problem" will soon be sorted
out, and the "wrongdoers" will be "held accountable." Yeah,
Want some idea of what Bush's nominees to the U.S. Supreme
Court are going to be like? Consider Bush's pick for the U.S.
Court of Appeals, who seems to think cross-burning and shooting
at people are both A-OK.
Back in 1994, U.S. District Judge Charles Pickering presided
over the trial of Daniel Swan. According to the LA Times,
Mr. Swan "drove his pickup to the home of a mixed-race couple
and joined two other men in burning an 8-foot-tall cross.
The men also shouted racial epithets and fired shots into
the house. One of the bullets narrowly missed the couple's
baby." Pickering felt that Swan's seven year sentence (the
sentence called-for by the federal sentencing guidelines)
was too harsh, so he took the unusual and unethical action
of privately meeting with prosecutors and threatening to order
a new trial unless they agreed to a lesser sentence. We all
know that Republicans are the law-and-order party; But I guess
I didn't realize that the lock-em-up-and-throw-away-the-key
rhetoric was only for minorities. If you're a drunk, white
racist with a gun and a burning cross, you can expect to receive
a little conservative compassion.
In a surprise revelation
last week, Dennis Hastert actually told the truth about
Campaign Finance Reform. It seems that all the reasons Republicans
have given for not passing a CFR bill are mere chicken-feed
compared to this whopper: according to the Associated Press,
"Hastert privately cautioned Republicans on Wednesday that
passage of campaign finance legislation could doom the GOP's
grip on power in the House." Yup, that's right. None of this
crap about diminishing individual rights or compromising constitutional
freedoms - this is about power, baby, and the GOP are afraid
that if they can't buy their way to the top by performing
favors in exchange for massive corporate donations, then the
people are going to finally wake up and vote them out. And
what a shame that would be.
Poor Antonin Scalia. It seems he is not satisfied simply being
able to decide who gets to be president of the United States.
Now he also wants to decide who gets to be a judge. It was
last week that Antonin thinks judges who oppose the death
penalty should resign. Apparently holding an opinion that
is out of step with Justice Scalia is proof enough that one
is incapable of deciding cases in a fair and balanced manner.
Of course, we all know that Nino Supremo knows a thing or
two about deciding cases in a fair and balanced manner; Just
ask Al Gore. Scalia went on to say he figures that the Pope
has got it all wrong on the death penalty, too. Good thing
John Paul II isn't a federal judge. Or a candidate for president…
W. Bush (again)
Back in Idiots 43 we noted that Georgie-boy was starting to
waver on the $20 billion he'd promised New York after September
11th. Well now it seems that George really isn't a
man of his word after all. New Yorkers were disgusted to learn
last week that Bush has effectively slashed $5 billion from
the promised $20 billion, by means of a pathetic accounting
trick. It was revealed last week that the administration would
$5 billion from the victims' compensation fund, so that federal
funding would only need to provide $15 billion. Unfortunately
New Yorkers had been led to believe every step of the way
that the two funds would be kept separate. "It was repeatedly
made clear that these dollars were not to be included as part
of the $20 billion - and we're not going to let that happen,"
vowed Sen. Chuck Schumer. "This verges on a breach of faith."
It's also interesting to note that despite this emergency
federal funding, the Bush budget will include a series of
cuts to important New York programs, "ranging from Head Start
and Drug Free Schools grants to community-development block
grants," according to the New York Post. And let's
not forget Bush's plan for the near-elimination of the COPS
program, which has allowed the hiring of 7,000 new police
officers over the years. Just something to think about next
time you see anyone connected with the administration wearing
an NYPD cap. But still, never mind. We're sure that the missing
$5 billion will go towards something useful, like getting
rid of the Estate Tax, or giving big corporations a retroactive
ten-year tax refund. You know, something useful.
And finally: The award for dumbest post-Super Bowl sore-losering
has got to go to Rush Limbaugh. While the rest of the country
was congratulating the Patriots on their stunning victory,
The Most Spherical Man in Show Business was accusing
them of advancing a "socialist agenda" with their "silly notion
of being introduced as a team prior to football games." Is
there no limit to conservative paranoia and victimhood? Now
it would seem that even teamwork is an example of creeping
socialism. Those dastardly liberals have infected the New
England Patriots with their cancerous agenda of so-called
"teamwork!" Next thing you know they will be nationalizing
Microsoft and moving us into collective farms and gulags.
For the Love of God, Give Tom Brady an individual introduction
before the Bolsheviks storm the White House! See you next
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