Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 53)
Lays Down In The Gutter Edition
sure you have a box of tissues handy, because this week the
Top 10 Conservative Idiots starts off with the Ken and Linda
Lay's heartwrenching tale of personal financial tragedy. It's
curtains for John Ashcroft (2), who is protecting the nation's
C-SPAN junkies from sexual perversion. Meanwhile, Jeb Bush
(3) illustrates the wisdom of compassionate conservative child-rearing,
Ari Fleischer (4) engages in a little historical revisionism,
and Anthony Kennedy (5) suddenly discovers the rule of law.
And looking forward to the upcoming festivities in Salt Lake
City, we can all be thankful for Generation Life (10) who
teach all of us a lesson about the Olympic Spirit. (Here's
the the key
to the icons.)
and Linda Lay
My bleeding liberal heart bled even more profusely than usual
last week. Why? Well, I was just so cut up by the plight
of the poor Lay family, ex of Enron fame, that I could not
help but shed a tear or two of pure, unadulterated compassion.
It was almost enough to break one's heart when the resolute
yet broken Linda Lay appeared on the "Today" show and announced
that she and her husband Kenneth are struggling with personal
bankruptcy. "Everything we had mostly was in Enron stock,"
bemoaned the dear lady. "We've had long-term investments and
those long-term investments have cash calls. Virtually - other
than the home we live in - everything we own is for sale."
Can it be true? Can these unfortunate victims of mammoth corporate
crime really be down to their very last sheep? Sadly, yes.
It is with distinct displeasure that we must report that the
Lays now own only
ten houses, worth ten million dollars, which are not for sale.
And in a staggering setback to the couple's finances, Mr.
Lay will only receive a $25 million severance package from
Enron. Finally, the real death-blow to the Lays is the fact
that Kenny Boy only managed to relieve himself of 1.8 million
shares of Enron stock for $101 million before his company
tanked. We at Democratic Underground would like to express
our condolences to Ken and Linda, and if anyone would like
to donate to our "Lays Down In The Gutter" fund, please click
here. You can be sure we'll
pass the money along ASAP.
What a boob. John Ashcroft was left looking like a complete
tit last week after failing to keep abreast of society's changing
view of sexual modesty. To be fair, it's not difficult to
see why a man living in the 19th Century, like our John, would
be offended by a woman's bosom (albeit in statue form) hanging
over his shoulder whenever he gives a speech in the DoJ's
Great Hall - no doubt Mr. Ashcroft also covers up the legs
on his tables at home, just in case they provoke promiscuous
thoughts and tempt him to go out at night and "clean the streets"
as it were. Now, for the select few of you who have no idea
what I'm talking about, here's
the scoop: last week, our Attorney General decided that he
was tired of being photographed in front of the statue of
the "Spirit of Justice," in the Great Hall, because while
the female form is clad in a toga, one of her breasts is exposed.
Now clearly, this could offend nobody but the most zealous
religious crackpot. Step forward John Ashcroft, who has decided
to have the statue, along with its male companion, the "Majesty
of Justice" concealed by curtains at a cost of $8,000 to the
taxpayer. I suppose we could make a joke here about Ashcroft
doing his best to cover up the Spirit and Majesty of Justice,
but that would be a little intellectual. No, we'll just stick
with the knocker jokes, thank you very much.
"To suggest there should be no penalties for continued drug
use is to stick our heads in the sand," pontificated Governor
Jeb Bush back in August
last year. Bush was at a luncheon honoring the 30th anniversary
of the Center for Drug Free Living, and was trying to explain
why Florida judges should not be forced to grant treatment
or rehabilitation to non-violent first- or second-time drug
offenders. "Prevention is the key to reducing drug abuse in
our state," Bush said. "Preventing the illegal use of drugs,
alcohol, and tobacco among our young people now will save
us a myriad of costs later - social, economic and, of course,
human." Hmm, yes... well, perhaps if Mr. Bush hadn't had his
"head in the sand" he might have been able to "prevent" his
own daughter, Noelle, from being arrested for illegally attempting
to obtain the prescription drug Xanax last week. Now, according
to Leon County State Attorney William Meggs, fraudulently
obtaining a prescription is a felony punishable by up to five
years in prison. But Meggs went on to say, "The most likely
course in this case is probation or drug court," And apparently,
if she goes to drug court, "she most likely would be placed
in a rehabilitation program or in counseling with drug testing."
Funny, I thought that was the complete opposite of what her
Dad has been advocating. Guess Jeb just wants to put other
people's kids in prison for non-violent drug offences.
Just when you thought Ari Fleischer couldn't talk any more
crap, he comes up with a humdinger so immense that you could
orbit satellites around it. In the most extravagant and nonsense-filled
defense yet of Dick Cheney's refusal to hand over energy documents,
Fleischer tried this
one on for size: "the very document that protects our
liberties more than anything else, the Constitution, was of
course drafted in total secrecy.'' Yes folks, Ari is comparing
the White House energy policy to the Constitution. Well, I
mean, you can see the similarites, can't you? One guarantees
freedom, the other guarantees large profits for Dubya's corrupt
buddies. Interestingly though, delegates to the Constitutional
Convention of 1787 were, in fact, publicly identifed. So if
you follow Ari's "the more secret, the better" train of thought
to its logical conclusion, you realize that while the Constitution
is really great and all, the energy policy must be EVEN BETTER!
What on earth could they have been discussing in those meetings?
Cold fusion? A plan to teleport the human race to some kind
of Star Trek-style paradise planet? I'm sorry, but they can't
tell you, because, you see, that would spoil the whole thing.
Schroedinger's Cat would be rolling in its grave, um, if you
could tell whether it was dead or not.
The shameless hypocrisy meter has jumped off the scale again
folks - the latest
offender is one Justice Anthony Kennedy of the Felonious Five.
Apparently Kennedy has completely forgotten his role in one
of the most disgraceful legal rulings of recent times, and
has been expressing his concern over the lack of "moral outrage"
expressed by students after September 11. "I thought this
[the WTC attack] was an attack on the rule of law," said Kennedy,
presumably without a trace of irony. The Supreme Court Justice
is setting up a program to teach students about "fundamental
values and universal moral precepts" - hmmm.... you mean,
like, for example, not completely flip-flopping on the Equal
Protection clause and your previously-held positions on states'
rights so your boy can "win" an election, and then saying
that your ruling shouldn't actually set any precedent because
it's, um, complete horseshit? Remember kids - if you lack
"moral outrage" over such "attacks on the rule of law," well,
you're simply letting the terrorists win.
HHS Secretary Tommy Thompson wins the "Most Ridiculously
Transparent Spin of the Week" Award. Last week, in an
uncharacteristically magnanimous move, the Tommy Thompson
to the Conservative Political Action Conference that pregnant
women would be eligible for prenatal care under a government
health care program for children. Never mind that conservatives
have been steadfastly opposed to government health care programs
for children; everyone at the Conference thought this was
great news. All it took was a tiny little uncontroversial
regulatory change that makes an "unborn child" eligible
for care. Of course, when the eeevil liberals wondered
aloud why the administration didn't just extend benefits to
"pregnant women" instead of "unborn children,"
the Sanctimonious Blowhard from Wisconsin was shocked
that anyone would question his motives: "All we're doing is
providing care for poor mothers so their children are going
to be born healthy ... How anybody can now turn this into
a pro-choice or pro-life argument, I can't understand it."
Well, gee, Tommy, I sure can't believe it either. I guess
I'm just so surprised that the conservatives have embraced
government health care all of a sudden. Perhaps if we had
re-classified adults as "post-born fetuses" then
we could have passed the Clinton health care bill.
Well, we don't have much to say about George W. Bush this
week, but we did find this photograph which we thought looked
eerily familiar. So here's Dubya doing his best impression
of a certain mustachioed German dictator, circa 1938. See
if you can guess who it is! (For additional fun, try turning
the Freedom Corps logo 90 degrees counter-clockwise.)
Just in time for Valentine's Day, we hear
that Rudy Giuliani has had his mistress Judith Nathan named
to the board of directors of New York's Twin Towers Fund.
Aww... how sweet. Now they can gaze into one another's eyes
during board meetings. We hope he's careful though, because
among the other 14 friends, supporters and/or former employees
that Rudy has named to the board is none other than he of
the wandering hands, hunky European sexual-harrassmaster Arnold
Schwarzenegger (see Idiots passim). Perhaps Rudy had better
have a quiet word in his ear, if he can reach it.
Well, well, well. It appears that our friends at Enron have
been covering up more than just losses over the last few years.
They've also been under-reporting their lobbying expenses
to Congress - by almost half. The, um, discrepancy was discovered
when a private group which "tracks money in politics compared
Enron's lobbying filing to Congress in August with congressional
filings by outside lobbying firms," according to the New
York Post. Apparently the firms were paid $1.6 million
for the first half of 2001, but Enron reported spending only
$825,000. Hmm... wonder where the rest went? Perhaps the GAO
should hurry up with their lawsuit before Dick Cheney gets
Shred Fever. I wonder if it's worth mentioning at this point
that one of Enron's chief lobbyists, right up until last month,
was Marck Racicot - head of the RNC? Nah, probably not.
And finally: Ladies and gentlemen, it's official
- there is opposition to condoms at the Olympics. The Salt
Lake Organizing Committee announced last week that the Olympic
village would be stocked with 12,000 condoms, and guess what
- Christian conservatives are upset about it. No, please,
I know it's a surprise, but there's no need to stand up. This
is not the first time that Christian conservatives have gotten
their ecclesiastical panties in a bunch over - and I'm going
to whisper it now - sex. You see, according to Brandi
Swindell, director of the anti-abortion and stick-your-nose-in-other-people's-business
organization Generation Life, the Olympics should be about
"virtues, like the spirit of unity and sportsmanship, not
recreational sex, not even safe sex." Got that? The Olympics
are not, repeat, NOT about sex! You see, Ms. Swindell is of
the opinion that condoms actually cause people to have
sex, as if the very presence of those little square packets
is some kind of aphrodisiac. The sad irony is that while Ms.
Swindell believes that the Olympics are about the spirit of
unity and sportsmanship and not about uninhibited sexual intercourse,
she has failed to notice some of the new events in this year's
Olympic program, such as Short Track Speed Shagging, Freestyle
Snowboning, and of course, the Biathlon. See you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List