Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 46)
Return Of The Idiots Edition
Thanksgiving is over, and we're back! Last week we gave thanks
that we didn't have to put up with conservative idiots for
a whole seven days, but let's face it - they never rest. And
so, once again, it is with great pleasure and pain that we
present this week's Top Ten Conservative Idiots. Top of the
chart this week is Ollie North, who was last seen cavorting
with Inspector Gadget and a crime-fighting dog, among other
things. Don Imus (2) makes his first appearance with a lovely
bit of religious intolerance, and the Rev. James Merritt (3)
has the solution to all the problems in the Middle East (it's
a good one.) Meanwhile lucky George W. Bush (4) returns, and
J.C. Watts (6) is speaking hispanically. Bottom of the barrel
this week are Rush Limbaugh (9), who tries and fails to translate
his talk show lies into a Washington Post op-ed, and
Gordon L. Baum (10), who is not, repeat not, a white supremacist.
My diagnosis: mad as a fish on a bicycle. Oliver North appeared
at Anaheimís Melodyland Christian Center Church recently to
fill the fundies in on why radical Muslims hate America. Is
it because we're free? Nope. Is it because we're rich? Nuh-uh.
Is it because we're after their oil? No siree. It's because
they "know what the scripture tells us, which is that the
only path to God in heaven is through his son, our savior,
Jesus Christ." According
to the OC Weekly, North went on to reassure folks that
"not all Muslims are evil or hate America." It's
just that they won't be going to heaven, you see. So, to recap,
not all Muslims are evil, but they won't be going to heaven,
and that's why they hate us. So the best thing to do is keep
telling them that they're not going to heaven. Oh, but they're
not evil. Got that? Aside from North's mind-mangling speech,
there was plenty of fun to be had at the event: the OC
Weekly also reported that "Children in the audience
were treated to a special appearance by a quartet of costumed
holy warriors - an Inspector Gadget look-alike, a fat girl
with blue hair, an apoplectic kung fu expert, and a human-sized
crime-fighting dog. They took the stage to a throbbing techno
beat while Evil - represented by a man in a Mexican lucha
libre costume - ran around the stage, flailing his arms as
the sound system rattled with his maniacal laughter."
Man, they really should have been warned about the brown acid.
But that wasn't even the highlight of the day: during North's
speech, a young woman stood and interrupted with, "Were
you being a good Christian when you smuggled drugs into our
country and sold weapons to terrorists?" North offered to
answer the question, "a little bit later, if thatís okay with
you," but wouldn't you know it, the woman was escorted from
the room by security before he had a chance to do so. What
a stroke of bad luck.
And if Oliver North thinks that not all Muslims are evil,
he should probably stay away from Don Imus for a while. Imus
recently on Larry King Live and did his bit for uneducated
racist morons, um, I mean patriots, everywhere. After King
asked Imus what he thought about fighting during Ramadan,
Imus responded, "They're worried about - we should drop
more bombs during this rama-lama-ding-dong or whatever it
is... My position is, I mean, I know it sounds awful, but
we should kill them all... You're not going to be able to
sit down and have some bigelow tea or whatever they drink
and reason with them. It's just not going happen. So the next
best thing to do is kill them."
But wait, there's more! We don't have to reason with Muslims,
or even kill them all! Rev. James Merritt of the Southern
Baptist Convention has the perfect
solution. So what is it, you ask yourselves? Well, it's practically
infallible, I must say. Ready? Rev. Merritt recently asked
SBC members to "pray and fast that God will miraculously
reveal himself through Jesus Christ to Muslims." Yes, you
heard right! It turns out that Ollie North was completely
wrong when he said that Muslims can't go to heaven - they
can, provided they, um, convert to Christianity first. "Just
as they can pray and fast, we want to pray and fast that they
will find the true way to heaven, and this is through Jesus
Christ," announced Merritt, thus solving hundreds of
years of religious intolerance in a single swoop. Excellent.
Lucky George. Lucky, lucky George. Our great president was spotted
revealing once again just what a compassionate conservative
he is in a Miami Herald article
last week. Remember when George said that he would only break
into Social Security in the event of war, recession, or a national
emergency? Well this telling quote sheds a little more light
on his compassionate ways: according to Mitch Daniels, the budget
director, Bush said to him shortly after September 11, "Lucky
me. I hit the trifecta." Now I guess this could be taken
three ways: He was being serious, in which case he is stupendously
evil. He was joking, in which case he is spectacularly unfunny.
Or he was being ironic, which makes the unlikely assumption
that President Dimwit knows what irony is. Whichever way you
look at it, to entertain the notion that September 11 was "lucky"
is horrifying. Damn, there I go again, being all unpatriotic
by criticizing the president. Sorry about that. [Spank yourself
twenty times with an American flag Ed.]
Moving on to more light-hearted matters, here's a jolly
story that certainly won't have your blood boiling and your
teeth gnashing, oh no. A recent study
by two finance professors at Florida International University
has shed a little more light on the whole "trickle-down"
theory of stuffing piles of cash into the pockets of the already
cash-overladen. It turns out that multinational corporations
managed to swindle their way out of paying $45 billion in
U.S. taxes last year - yes, that's $45 billion -
by overpricing goods sold to foreign affiliates, and underpricing
goods bought from those same affiliates. Overpricing and underpricing
by how much, you ask yourselves? Ooh, not by much. Just, say,
selling toothbrushes for $5,655. Oh, and buying bulldozers
for $528. Nothing major. Presumably George W. Bush will be
absolutely horrified to learn this news, and react by figuring
out a way to help these poor corporations avoid paying taxes
without having to perform such a ridiculous charade.
Better get that Social Security lockbox cracked open right
You can always rely on good ol' J.C. for a spot of quality
conservative idiocy. Watts recently blasted Dick Gephardt
and Tom Daschle for jetting off on a jaunt to Mexico. "Today
I open the paper and find out the top two Democrats are packing
their bags and going to Mexico," said Watts in a press release.
"Aye caramba." The release ended, "Hey, Democrat (sic) leaders:
No siesta for you." Unfortunately, J.C. missed one or two
key facts (c'mon GOPers - you know you love facts!)
from his press release - namely that a) everyone on
Capitol Hill went home that weekend after they'd finished
voting on airport security, and b) that Gephardt and Daschle
were on an official trip to visit with Presidente Fox. Goodness,
why would J.C. feel obliged to leave that information out?
I mean, what could his motive possibly be? Anyway,
Rep. Ciro Rodriguez of Texas was really quite annoyed at the
sterotypical Spanish phrases used in the press release, and
pointed out that it was "particularly interesting that
as Congressman Watts criticizes the Democratic leadership,
his travel agents are busy planning a bus tour across this
country as part of a Republican push to attract more minorities
to the Republican party." Well, quite. Although considering
his press release, J.C. could do very well: "Hey compadres!
Join the Republican party! It's one hot tamale!" Even
better - he could borrow the guy from Ollie North's holy warriors.
That should go down well.
Scumbag update: we noted back in Idiots 16 that Republican
activist and Virginia state elector Parker J. Bena had been
arrested on charges of possesion of child pornography and
lying to the FBI. His defence? Um, I didn't download that
kiddie porn, officer, uh, somebody must have sent it to me.
Well unfortunately for Bena, the jury didn't
quite see it that way, and the poor fella was recently fined
$18,000 and sentenced to thirty months in federal prison.
Aw, what a shame. Hope his cellmates don't find out what he's
in prison for, eh?
A Jim Gilmore spokesperson confirmed
last week that, sorry, financial assistance will not be available
to the same-sex domestic partners of those killed on September
11. Peggy Neff, whose partner died in the Pentagon, recently
received a letter from the state which read, "Please
accept our condolences on the loss of your friend, Sheila
M.S. Hein. We regret to inform you that you are not eligible
to file a claim for benefits under the Virginia Victims of
Crime Act.'' And so Neff, who had planned to scatter her partner's
ashes in their garden, will now probably have to give up the
house instead. "Our law is pretty clear on who is eligible,
and it does not include domestic partners,'' huffed Gilmore
spokesman Reed Boatright. ''(Gilmore) can't just rewrite laws
with the stroke of a pen. If he could do that, we'd have a
kingdom.'' Funny then, that New York Governor George Pataki
(note: also Republican) did just that when he signed an executive
order allowing gay victims' surviving partners to receive
assistance from the state victims' fund. Hmm. Seems like the
compassionate thing to do, don't you think? I don't
know - perhaps, like Jerry Falwell, Gilmore thinks that it's
all their fault in the first place.
an op-ed published
in last week's Washington Post, the right-wingnuts'
favorite windbag, Rush Limbaugh, attempted to claim that Democrats
should be supporting Bush's executive-ordered detention
program. Why? Because Franklin Delano Roosevelt (every single
Democrat's favorite president of all time, by Limbaugh's estimation)
instituted a policy of internment camps and military tribunals
during World War II. But hang on a second - according to Limbaugh,
that "was an outrage." Well look, no kidding pal.
Absolutely nobody is arguing with that. So is Bush's policy
an outrage? It's hard to tell from Limbaugh's babbling. But
here's the big fat lie - what Rush is really trying
to say is that all Democrats think FDR's internment program
was just super, and now we're being hypocrites for
not supporting Bush. Are you on crack, man? What on earth
are you talking about? I mean, I can see how your listeners
would fall for this kind of rubbish, but I'm afraid that most
Washington Post readers have an IQ greater than their
shoe size. Please try harder next time.
finally, in a letter
to the Washington Post last week, Gordon L. Baum, CEO
of the Council of Conservative Citizens, expressed his disgust
at the CCC's inclusion in a Post article on hate groups.
Mr. Baum was particularly annoyed by the suggestion that the
CCC is a "white nationalist organization." Wrote
Baum, "The article further lumped my organization with
other groups described by such undefined but sinister terms
as 'white supremacy groups' and 'white nationalist organizations.'
We are neither." So if the CCC isn't a "white nationalist
organization," what is it, exactly? Why, as Mr. Baum
puts it in his letter, they're a "conservative organization
of about 20,000 members who are committed to constitutional
government, American national sovereignty, the traditional
Christian and European identity of our country and civilization,
a foreign policy based on America's national interests, halting
the massive immigration that threatens our cultural identity
as a nation, and resisting multiculturalist and multiracialist
policies in government, culture and education." So, um,
definitely not a white nationalist organization then. Well
that clears that up! See you next week...
a Conservative for Next Week's List