Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 45)
Thanks For Nothing Edition
It's turkey time! No, not Thanksgiving - I'm talking about
this week's entries on the Top Ten list. Topping the chart
this week is good old CNN, who are really plumbing the depths
with their hot new on-air personality. Katherine Harris (2)
returns (please let this be the last time) and Lynne Cheney
(3), clearly suffering from an absence of Dick, has decided
to start blackballing liberal college professors. Meanwhile,
George W. Bush (5) reappears on the list after suddenly realizing
that New York voted for Gore, the Christian fundamentalists
(6) are about to suffer a nasty shock, and while Lynne Cheney
may be having trouble getting hold of Dick, we know where
he is - hiding out at numbers 7 and 8 this week. Bringing
up the rear are our fine "intelligence" agencies
(9), and we've got two tied for number 10 this week. Enjoy!
We've been chronicling CNN's transformation from serious news
network to third-rate infotainment channel/government propaganda
machine for some time now, but last week marked a new low
for the once-proud station. If you're still in any doubt that
the name "Bush" is synonymous with "success through under-achievement,"
CNN's latest hiring - failed radio DJ and first cousin of
Dubya, Billy Bush. Billy was fired from his morning show on
Washington's banal Z104 for continuously low ratings, and
you can't argue with a resume like that. No wonder CNN snapped
him up so quickly. What, you think they hired him because
he's related to the President? You think that pairing him
with Fox News defector Paula Zahn will help boost the all-important
right-wingnut demographic that CNN has been gagging for lately?
Don't be silly. When you're looking for a new morning anchor,
you look for quality, substance and experience
- and that can be summed up in just two words - Billy Bush.
He's got so much depth and gravitas, he doesn't even have
to comb his hair. For a great example of Billy's journalistic
skills, click here.
What is wrong with Katherine Harris? It's just that every
time more information comes out about what a dreadful job
she did in Florida, she seems to think it means the complete
opposite (see Idiots passim.) After last week's NORC ballot
study conclusively proved that Al Gore would have won if all
the votes had been counted, Katherine Harris said
she felt "vindicated." But... but... I don't understand. What
the study showed was that if Harris had done her job and
made sure all the votes were counted then their boy would
have lost. So how does this put Ms. Harris in the clear? Well,
it doesn't. Unless by "I feel vindicated, I followed the law,"
she actually meant, "It really doesn't matter what I say because
nobody's going to report that I'm lying anyway. Frankly I
could tell you that I shot JFK and invaded Poland and no one
would bat an eyelid. Hey everybody, I did it! I fixed the
election so George W. Bush would win! Tell you what, why don't
you get Billy Bush to check into it? I hear he's a top-class
investigative reporter HA HA HA."
While hubby Dick continues to hang out in his hidey-hole,
wife Lynne has been spending her free time knitting, playing
bridge, and engaging in a spot of patriotic McCarthyism. Last
week, the conservative group "American Council of Trustees
and Alumni" (founder: Lynne Cheney) named
40 college professors whom they considered to be unpatriotic.
These professors have been labeled as part of the "blame America
first crowd" for, as an example, daring to suggest that there
may be a similarity between the suffering of American citizens
after September 11 and the suffering of Afghan citizens who
are living in a war zone. Apparently this is evidence that
campuses are "hostile to the US government" and should presumably
be, what, shut down? Cordoned off? Yes, I suppose it would
be too much to expect university professors to actually teach
students to think for themselves instead of just parroting
whatever spin spews forth from the government's propaganda
machine. Come on, Lynne, be fair. They can't be forced to
watch CNN all the time you know.
As a public service to readers, we will now translate Ari Fleischer's
on the NORC report from Ari-speak to The Truth. Here we go:
"This is one more inconclusive study that doesn't change anything
[we still got away with it]. The election was settled
[fixed] a year ago, President Bush won [cheated]
and the voters have long since moved on [please don't bother
them in the middle of Temptation Island]. ... I think, frankly,
the media [which we own] is free [unless we say so]
to spend its money [lovely, lovely money] on exercises
that don't lead to any conclusions that the public was interested
in [that we can't cover up]. The voters have moved on
[can I interest you in an American flag?]. The country
is way beyond this [in fact we're already dismantling the
Bill of Rights]. ... There's no news here. It's over [boy,
are you guys ever screwed].
We pointed out a couple of weeks ago (see Idiots 43) that
President Bush was reconsidering his bold pledge to help New
York - and now it's official.
Last week a House committee was pressured by the White House
to vote down a measure which would have provided billions
of dollars to help New York rebuild. So while big business
is suddenly reaping the reward of massive government handouts,
New Yorkers will have to find another way to recover from
the September 11 attacks. Funny really, I could have sworn
Bush took his bullhorn up to the top of that pile of rubble
at Ground Zero and told emergency workers, "I hear you."
But it appears what he actually meant was, "Sorry, you're
all going to have to pull yourselves up by the bootstraps.
Good luck. If you need me, I'll be in Crawford." Still
that's our George - always a man of integrity. Who you can
It's common knowledge that Christian Fundamentalists have
a big problem with Disney - you know, the whole "treat
gays with respect" thing, not to mention complaints of
violent movie-making from some of Disney's subsidiaries -
but the proverbial shit is about to hit the proverbial fan
down in Crisco-land. Disney has just acquired
the Fox Family Network from Robert Murdoch's Newscorp, and
- surprise! - packaged along with the deal comes the Christian
Broadcasting Network and Pat Robertson's "The 700 Club."
Hilariously, the Christian right have been boycotting Disney
for several years now, so they may be faced with a bit of
a conundrum: either stop persecuting their fellow human beings,
or miss out on their daily dose of Pat. It makes one wonder
- just what would Jesus do? And just out of interest,
does the Christian Broadcasting Network have to give benefits
to same-sex partners now?
Ashcroft and Dick Cheney
Has anyone seen the Constitution? I swear I just turned
my back on it for five seconds and when I came back it had
disappeared. Last week John Ashcroft and Dick Cheney ham-fistedly
George W. Bush's new plan to try suspected terrorists before
military tribunals, bypassing their constitutional right to
a fair trial. Don't worry though, it doesn't apply to US citizens,
so it should at least put them fur'ners in their place. Anyway,
here's Cheney's take on the concept of trying suspected terrorists:
"They don't deserve the same guarantees and safeguards that
would be used for an American citizen going through the normal
judicial process," Cheney said. Isn't that peachy? Now that
I think of it, nobody accused of a crime deserves these protections
- after all, they're suspected criminals! They should be locked
up, post haste! Perhaps we should start a pool on how long
it'll be before the Bush administration starts narrowing that
definition of "American citizen" down to "patriotic
American citizen," eh? Interestingly, groups like the
NRA (who are so concerned about this kind of "slippery
slope") don't seem to think that there's a problem with
this. Sheesh, there was me thinking that they were all about
Constitutional rights, and now I find out that all
they care about is guns! How foolish of me...
Dick Cheney has been spotted! And he really has been
in a hidey-hole. Except he wasn't hiding from terrorists -
he was hiding from, um, ducks. Yes, our bold Veep recently
pissed off the locals in Union Vale, NY, after deciding that
the middle of a high-alert situation would be a good time
to splatter some wildlife. Two days before Halloween, Cheney
decided to go for a romp in the backwoods of New York state
armed only with his rifle, a team of snipers, some fighter
jets, and a convoy of government vehicles. Must be some damn
tough ducks up there in New York. Anyway, the locals were
naturally annoyed that they couldn't get their cars through
town because the vice-president had blocked off all the traffic
so he could sit in a duck blind for a couple of hours. And
in case you were wondering, this did all happen during
a period of "high alert," as ordained by Tom Ridge.
Good job Dick can still get his jollies while the rest of
us sit around wondering what the hell's going to happen next.
U.K.'s Sunday Times reported
last week that the FBI and the CIA have been told to "think
outside the box" to solve the problems of terrorism,
so that's exactly what they're doing. Since 1970, the US government
has apparently been employing teams of psychics to help combat,
um, communism. The program ended in 1995, coincidentally around
the same time that Miss Cleo started appearing on my television
screen to announce that my aura was poopy. But Miss Cleo could
soon be back on the government payroll, because the program
is being reintroduced to help fight the war against terrorism.
According to the Sunday Times, "Prudence Calabrese,
whose Transdimensional Systems employs 14 remote viewers,
confirmed that the FBI had asked the company to predict likely
targets of future terrorist attacks. 'Our reports suggest
a sports stadium could be a likely target,' she said."
Whoo.. that's some pretty impressive ESP skills there, bucko.
Oh, and one other thing... does anyone know what the Harry
Potter book-burners have to say about their government agencies
employing psychics? Just wondering.
Gerald K. Hege and Rep. Jane Baker (tie)
going to take a break for Thanksgiving next week, so here's
a special twofer to keep you going till we get back. First
up is Sheriff Gerald K. Hege of North Carolina, who apparently
has a penchant for dressing his deputies up in berets and
jackboots, but that's another story. He's on the list because
the Las Vegas Sun reported
last week that the good sheriff has been sending a very special
holiday card this year. The card apparently shows Hege holding
the severed head of Osama bin Laden, above the words "Happy
Ramadan!" It's all very funny until you realize that
many American Muslims don't find it particularly amusing to
juxtapose a murderous religious maniac's head with their holy
month. Hege laughed this off, but presumably he wouldn't be
too happy if he got a card this year featuring the severed
head of Pat Robertson above the words "Happy Christmas!"
a ridiculous story spotted in the Las Vegas Review-Journal:
"A Pennsylvania legislator has announced she will seek
a second term next year even though she claims in a $7.5 million
lawsuit that she "needs help with reading and understanding
material and carrying on conversations" due to brain and other
injuries she suffered in a car wreck. Rep. Jane Baker, a 56-year-old
Republican, says in her lawsuit that the injuries make her
"virtually unemployable" outside the Legislature."
Thanksgiving everyone, and we'll see you in two weeks!
a Conservative for Next Week's List