Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 43)
Dubya Dubya Dubya Edition
So it's the 43rd Idiots list, and what better way to celebrate
than put the 43rd President* at the very top? Not that he
didn't deserve it this week, of course - Dubya gets the number
one spot for a bit of fancy presidential ass-covering. It
was a close call though, because the Pentagon (2) is hot on
his heels with a prime example of "military intelligence"
as clichéd oxymoron. Meanwhile the Department of Justice
(3) has got some explaining to do, and George W. Bush (4)
claims the second of his three doses of idiocy this week.
Further on down the page, Phil Gramm (6) thinks that the mentally
ill are crazy, and Donald Rumsfeld (7) makes a Freudian slip
of epic proportions. Bringing up the stinky rear we find the
thrilling conclusion to Dubya's trilogy (9), and Houston's
KSEV (10) are striking an epic blow for humanitarianism. Enjoy!
to some people
would appear that to be a real patriot in modern America
you have to wave your flag, sing "God Bless America" and never,
ever ask what your government might be doing behind closed
doors. Because you see, there are those who say that the government
is the people. But let's face it, they're idiots. At
least that's what the Bush administration would like you to
believe. Last week George W. Bush signed
an executive order which countermands the 1978 Presidential
Records Act, and conveniently prevents Ronald Reagan's papers,
which were due to have been released last January, from being
released at all. Well, well, well. I wonder why that could
be? Surely the Republicans don't think that there might be
something in Reagan's papers which might sully the god-like
image of the GOP's golden boy? And it couldn't possibly
be because half of Dubya's henchmen used to work for the Gipper,
could it? There wouldn't be anything in those papers that
might, ooh, I don't know, suggest that a bunch of the people
working for Georgie are criminals, would there? Of
course not. That's why they don't need to release the papers,
silly. Never mind the fact that the GOP spent $60 million
investigating Bill Clinton to turn up nothing more than an
illicit blow job, but with a wave of his magic fascist wand
Dubya can make all of Reagan's (not to mention Poppy's) crimes
disappear. Yes folks, there's nothing to see here. Go about
your business, go shopping, wave your flags, and pay no attention
to the "state secrets" that your un-elected President and
his felonious cabal are hiding from you. You don't need to
know anyway! God bless America!
Department of Justice
A cluster bomb is a very effective anti-personnel weapon.
Here's how it works: You drop a big bomb from an airplane,
which pops open mid-fall to release bright yellow soda can-sized
"bomblets." These spread out over a wide area and detonate
upon impact, releasing shrapnel at bullet-speeds. Drop them
in the middle of enemy infantry and you've got Taliban au
gratin. Unfortunately, roughly 5-10% of the bomblets fail
to detonate and can explode when later disturbed - useful
in the middle of a combat zone, but not so great when you're
dropping them near civilian populations, as is the case in
Afghanistan. An unexploded bomblet will stick around until
somebody who doesn't know any better decides to pick it up
and give it a shake. Which is why, in a stroke of sheer genius,
the Pentagon announced
last week that it would be changing the color of the food
rations which we've been dropping on Afghanistan from yellow
to blue - yes that's right, the rations are currently exactly
the same color (and almost the same size and shape) as cluster
bomblets! "Civilians of Afghanistan, we are not your enemies!
As a sign of our friendship, please accept these food packages!
Um, no not those... a bit to your left, that could be one...
no, I wouldn't poke it with that stick... oh, damn..."
In this post-9/11 world, it's good to know that the Department
of Justice is focusing on real matters of importance. Airport
security? No, not quite. Anthrax? Sorry, guess again!
The DoJ pulled off a thrilling coup last week when it raided
and shut down a... terrorist cell planning on causing more
death and destruction? Oh, don't be ridiculous! Don't you
understand that there are more important things than terrorists
and anthrax that the Bush administration needs to concentrate
on right now? That's right, I'm talking about medicinal marijuana.
In the last month those stalwart champions of states rights,
Bush and co., have been trampling
all over California law in an effort to shut down one of the
state's largest "cannabis clubs," which cared for over 900 people
suffering from a variety of terminal ailments. A spokeswoman
for the DoJ, Susan Dryden, said, "The recent enforcement is
indicative that we have not lost our priorities in other areas
since September 11." No kidding. So presumably when Bush appears
on TV and tells everyone to go back to "business as usual,"
he's also referring to people who are dying in pain. That's
compassionate conservatism for you.
W. Bush (again)
Ever a man of his word (and if that ain't the truth, then
Ari Fleischer's a liar) Mr. Bush is starting to waver on the
$20 billion he promised New York and other areas affected
by the September 11 terrorist attacks. The $20 billion was
to go towards rebuilding and emergency aid, but Honest George
has so far only earmarked $7.5 billion, according to the Poughkeepsie
Journal. So where's the rest of the money going? Well
what do you know - towards the "War on Terrorism" of course.
Pardon my skepticism, but it was only last week that the House
voted for Dubya's stimulus package. (You know,
the one which takes $100 billion from low-income taxpayers
and gives it to a select few underprivileged Republican-donating
mega-corporations.) So let's face it, the missing $12.5 billion
is probably going to pay some fat-cats' expense accounts.
By the way, can I just say that there is something decidedly
disturbing about the phrase "Dubya's stimulus package?"
like something cleared up. Following the September 11 attacks,
the FBI arrested and detained many suspects of Middle Eastern
origin, and in some cases
the suspects were denied lawyers and held for weeks before
they were interrogated and cleared of suspicion. But Planned
Parenthood recently received 250 letters in a two week period
which contained white powder and the following
message: "You have been exposed to anthrax. We are going to
kill all of you. Army of God, Virginia DARE Chapter." The
white powder in these letters is not anthrax (well, at least
it hasn't been so far) but can someone explain to me why the
FBI hasn't taken action against the Army of God yet? Last
week they "indicated" that they would conduct an investigation
- although obviously they're just too darn busy raiding medical
marijuana clubs at the moment. Funny really - I seem to remember
that during his confirmation hearing, John Ashcroft promised
that he most certainly would not shirk his responsibilities
when it came to protecting the legal rights (and indeed lives)
of abortion clinic workers. Oh well, I suppose it's just another
small drop in this administration's bucket of broken promises.
But I still want to know - why did Ashcroft arrest anyone
with a funny name and a swarthy complexion after September
11, but gave the Army of God's terrorist activities a free
pass? Perhaps... God told him to do it.
In the past, insurers have charged different deductibles and
co-payments on mental health conditions than they have on
conditions which affect any other part of the body. But last
week the Senate passed a bill
requiring insurance companies which provide mental health
coverage to treat mental health conditions as they would any
other problem, ending this form of discrimination against
the mentally ill. But of course, if you're a grumpy Republican
who puts big business ahead of people, then you'd definitely
want to have a bit of a whine about this. Step forward Phil
Gramm, who pointed out that the bill would force private insurers
to charge an extra (gasp) 1 percent on insurance premiums.
"That's $23 billion of costs over a five-year period that
will borne by the private sector that could have gone to create
jobs, more growth, more opportunity." Sooooo....... what you're
saying is.... that's $23 billion that could have come straight
from the pockets of the mentally ill and gone straight into
the pockets of big business. Did I get that right? Phil, you're
a marvellous human being.
to CNN.com, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld slammed the
Taliban last week for being "illegitimate" and "unelected."
[Insert joke of your choice here.]
In a fit of pure bipartisanship, the Senate recently voted
100-0 to federalize airport security. Whoa, Senate. You reckoned
without the awesome power of the House Republicans. See, the
House GOP's bright idea
is for private companies to provide airline security, which
is bound to work really well, since private companies never
take all kinds of short-cuts to lower costs so they can collect
big profits and then make generous donations to the Republican
party, right? It's a win-win situation all round! Yes, it
seems that the Republicans' fear and loathing of "big government"
is of far greater concern than actually providing decent security
at airports. Not that it really matters to them, since they
get all kinds of special security measures when they fly anyway.
And to be honest it wouldn't have made much of a difference
if they'd voted for federalization anyway, since good old
George W. Bush had already
threatened to veto any bill that came to him which had the
words "big gubment" written all over it. Thanks George.
W. Bush (again again)
people are going to be feeling a little left out in the cold
in the coming months. George W. Bush has so far refused
to release $300 million earmarked to help the poor pay their
heating bills, citing the possibility of a milder winter this
year. (Thank God for global warming, eh folks?) Cold weather
state lawmakers are trying to encourage Bush to release the
funds, but let's face it - since most of the cold weather
states went for Al Gore they probably don't have much of a
chance. Interestingly, the number of people seeking heating
assistance will rise this year, due to layoffs following the
September 11 attacks. But it's hard luck for them - after
all, Dubya just gave the airlines $14 billion. You can't expect
him to dig up another $300 million just to save unemployed
people from hypothermia this winter, surely? Why, that would
be frivolous. Anyway, they'll soon warm up once they start
pulling themselves up by the bootstraps (assuming their boots
aren't frozen to the ground.)
finally... here's a novel way to show how much you love America
- join together and buy a bomb to drop on Afghanistan. Surely
it doesn't get any more patriotic than that. And Houston's
KSEV are doing exactly
that, selling CDs to fund their "buy the bomb" campaign. "I
think it's great. I think it shows the patriotism and everybody
coming together and supporting this. I think it's wonderful,"
said KSEV listener Bonnie Barron. God bless America! But it
just gets better - every person who contributes can enter
a draw, and the winner of the draw gets to fly to Washington,
DC and sign the bomb. Wonderful! Although if the winner can
come up with something wittier than, "High Jack This Fags"
(See Idiots 41) I'll eat my testicles. See you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List