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The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 43)
November 5, 2001
Dubya Dubya Dubya Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots

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So it's the 43rd Idiots list, and what better way to celebrate than put the 43rd President* at the very top? Not that he didn't deserve it this week, of course - Dubya gets the number one spot for a bit of fancy presidential ass-covering. It was a close call though, because the Pentagon (2) is hot on his heels with a prime example of "military intelligence" as clichéd oxymoron. Meanwhile the Department of Justice (3) has got some explaining to do, and George W. Bush (4) claims the second of his three doses of idiocy this week. Further on down the page, Phil Gramm (6) thinks that the mentally ill are crazy, and Donald Rumsfeld (7) makes a Freudian slip of epic proportions. Bringing up the stinky rear we find the thrilling conclusion to Dubya's trilogy (9), and Houston's KSEV (10) are striking an epic blow for humanitarianism. Enjoy!

*according to some people

1George W. Bush
It would appear that to be a real patriot in modern America you have to wave your flag, sing "God Bless America" and never, ever ask what your government might be doing behind closed doors. Because you see, there are those who say that the government is the people. But let's face it, they're idiots. At least that's what the Bush administration would like you to believe. Last week George W. Bush signed an executive order which countermands the 1978 Presidential Records Act, and conveniently prevents Ronald Reagan's papers, which were due to have been released last January, from being released at all. Well, well, well. I wonder why that could be? Surely the Republicans don't think that there might be something in Reagan's papers which might sully the god-like image of the GOP's golden boy? And it couldn't possibly be because half of Dubya's henchmen used to work for the Gipper, could it? There wouldn't be anything in those papers that might, ooh, I don't know, suggest that a bunch of the people working for Georgie are criminals, would there? Of course not. That's why they don't need to release the papers, silly. Never mind the fact that the GOP spent $60 million investigating Bill Clinton to turn up nothing more than an illicit blow job, but with a wave of his magic fascist wand Dubya can make all of Reagan's (not to mention Poppy's) crimes disappear. Yes folks, there's nothing to see here. Go about your business, go shopping, wave your flags, and pay no attention to the "state secrets" that your un-elected President and his felonious cabal are hiding from you. You don't need to know anyway! God bless America!

2The Pentagon
A cluster bomb is a very effective anti-personnel weapon. Here's how it works: You drop a big bomb from an airplane, which pops open mid-fall to release bright yellow soda can-sized "bomblets." These spread out over a wide area and detonate upon impact, releasing shrapnel at bullet-speeds. Drop them in the middle of enemy infantry and you've got Taliban au gratin. Unfortunately, roughly 5-10% of the bomblets fail to detonate and can explode when later disturbed - useful in the middle of a combat zone, but not so great when you're dropping them near civilian populations, as is the case in Afghanistan. An unexploded bomblet will stick around until somebody who doesn't know any better decides to pick it up and give it a shake. Which is why, in a stroke of sheer genius, the Pentagon announced last week that it would be changing the color of the food rations which we've been dropping on Afghanistan from yellow to blue - yes that's right, the rations are currently exactly the same color (and almost the same size and shape) as cluster bomblets! "Civilians of Afghanistan, we are not your enemies! As a sign of our friendship, please accept these food packages! Um, no not those... a bit to your left, that could be one... no, I wouldn't poke it with that stick... oh, damn..."

3The Department of Justice
In this post-9/11 world, it's good to know that the Department of Justice is focusing on real matters of importance. Airport security? No, not quite. Anthrax? Sorry, guess again! The DoJ pulled off a thrilling coup last week when it raided and shut down a... terrorist cell planning on causing more death and destruction? Oh, don't be ridiculous! Don't you understand that there are more important things than terrorists and anthrax that the Bush administration needs to concentrate on right now? That's right, I'm talking about medicinal marijuana. In the last month those stalwart champions of states rights, Bush and co., have been trampling all over California law in an effort to shut down one of the state's largest "cannabis clubs," which cared for over 900 people suffering from a variety of terminal ailments. A spokeswoman for the DoJ, Susan Dryden, said, "The recent enforcement is indicative that we have not lost our priorities in other areas since September 11." No kidding. So presumably when Bush appears on TV and tells everyone to go back to "business as usual," he's also referring to people who are dying in pain. That's compassionate conservatism for you.

4George W. Bush (again)
Ever a man of his word (and if that ain't the truth, then Ari Fleischer's a liar) Mr. Bush is starting to waver on the $20 billion he promised New York and other areas affected by the September 11 terrorist attacks. The $20 billion was to go towards rebuilding and emergency aid, but Honest George has so far only earmarked $7.5 billion, according to the Poughkeepsie Journal. So where's the rest of the money going? Well what do you know - towards the "War on Terrorism" of course. Pardon my skepticism, but it was only last week that the House voted for Dubya's stimulus package. (You know, the one which takes $100 billion from low-income taxpayers and gives it to a select few underprivileged Republican-donating mega-corporations.) So let's face it, the missing $12.5 billion is probably going to pay some fat-cats' expense accounts. By the way, can I just say that there is something decidedly disturbing about the phrase "Dubya's stimulus package?"

5John Ashcroft
I'd like something cleared up. Following the September 11 attacks, the FBI arrested and detained many suspects of Middle Eastern origin, and in some cases the suspects were denied lawyers and held for weeks before they were interrogated and cleared of suspicion. But Planned Parenthood recently received 250 letters in a two week period which contained white powder and the following message: "You have been exposed to anthrax. We are going to kill all of you. Army of God, Virginia DARE Chapter." The white powder in these letters is not anthrax (well, at least it hasn't been so far) but can someone explain to me why the FBI hasn't taken action against the Army of God yet? Last week they "indicated" that they would conduct an investigation - although obviously they're just too darn busy raiding medical marijuana clubs at the moment. Funny really - I seem to remember that during his confirmation hearing, John Ashcroft promised that he most certainly would not shirk his responsibilities when it came to protecting the legal rights (and indeed lives) of abortion clinic workers. Oh well, I suppose it's just another small drop in this administration's bucket of broken promises. But I still want to know - why did Ashcroft arrest anyone with a funny name and a swarthy complexion after September 11, but gave the Army of God's terrorist activities a free pass? Perhaps... God told him to do it.

6Phil Gramm
In the past, insurers have charged different deductibles and co-payments on mental health conditions than they have on conditions which affect any other part of the body. But last week the Senate passed a bill requiring insurance companies which provide mental health coverage to treat mental health conditions as they would any other problem, ending this form of discrimination against the mentally ill. But of course, if you're a grumpy Republican who puts big business ahead of people, then you'd definitely want to have a bit of a whine about this. Step forward Phil Gramm, who pointed out that the bill would force private insurers to charge an extra (gasp) 1 percent on insurance premiums. "That's $23 billion of costs over a five-year period that will borne by the private sector that could have gone to create jobs, more growth, more opportunity." Sooooo....... what you're saying is.... that's $23 billion that could have come straight from the pockets of the mentally ill and gone straight into the pockets of big business. Did I get that right? Phil, you're a marvellous human being.

7Donald Rumsfeld
According to CNN.com, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld slammed the Taliban last week for being "illegitimate" and "unelected." [Insert joke of your choice here.]

8House Republicans
In a fit of pure bipartisanship, the Senate recently voted 100-0 to federalize airport security. Whoa, Senate. You reckoned without the awesome power of the House Republicans. See, the House GOP's bright idea is for private companies to provide airline security, which is bound to work really well, since private companies never take all kinds of short-cuts to lower costs so they can collect big profits and then make generous donations to the Republican party, right? It's a win-win situation all round! Yes, it seems that the Republicans' fear and loathing of "big government" is of far greater concern than actually providing decent security at airports. Not that it really matters to them, since they get all kinds of special security measures when they fly anyway. And to be honest it wouldn't have made much of a difference if they'd voted for federalization anyway, since good old George W. Bush had already threatened to veto any bill that came to him which had the words "big gubment" written all over it. Thanks George.

9George W. Bush (again again)
Some people are going to be feeling a little left out in the cold in the coming months. George W. Bush has so far refused to release $300 million earmarked to help the poor pay their heating bills, citing the possibility of a milder winter this year. (Thank God for global warming, eh folks?) Cold weather state lawmakers are trying to encourage Bush to release the funds, but let's face it - since most of the cold weather states went for Al Gore they probably don't have much of a chance. Interestingly, the number of people seeking heating assistance will rise this year, due to layoffs following the September 11 attacks. But it's hard luck for them - after all, Dubya just gave the airlines $14 billion. You can't expect him to dig up another $300 million just to save unemployed people from hypothermia this winter, surely? Why, that would be frivolous. Anyway, they'll soon warm up once they start pulling themselves up by the bootstraps (assuming their boots aren't frozen to the ground.)

10KSEV 700AM
And finally... here's a novel way to show how much you love America - join together and buy a bomb to drop on Afghanistan. Surely it doesn't get any more patriotic than that. And Houston's KSEV are doing exactly that, selling CDs to fund their "buy the bomb" campaign. "I think it's great. I think it shows the patriotism and everybody coming together and supporting this. I think it's wonderful," said KSEV listener Bonnie Barron. God bless America! But it just gets better - every person who contributes can enter a draw, and the winner of the draw gets to fly to Washington, DC and sign the bomb. Wonderful! Although if the winner can come up with something wittier than, "High Jack This Fags" (See Idiots 41) I'll eat my testicles. See you next week!

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