Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 42)
Trick or Treat Edition
Welcome to a special spooky Halloween edition of the Top
Ten Conservative Idiots! Well... it's not really that spooky.
Although it is frightening just how idiotic some people can
be. Take this week's list for example. We've got George W.
Bush (1) who's decided that the best course of action to take
in this time of crisis it to throw money at his buddies. Then
there's Pat Robertson (2), who's going to have to find an
extremely tiny camel and a rather oversized needle if he wants
to get in to heaven. And let's not forget Rush Limbaugh (3)
who is proof positive that overdosing on cheeseburgers can
give you brain damage. Further down the list we've got "Son
of Scam" Jonathan Falwell (5), Donald Rumsfeld (8) who
is a very decisive man (or is he?) and of course, Idiots favorite
Ari Fleischer (9) who is spinning faster than the SAXJ1808.4-3658
pulsar (how many times have I told you not to tell astronomy
jokes? You're fired Ed.)
going on tour to promote his famously irresponsible $1.6 trillion
tax cut, we thought we'd seen the last of Bush's dumb excuses.
Um, the economy is strong - we need tax cuts! The economy
is weakening - tax cuts! Gas prices are going up - tax cuts!
And now, the latest and greatest... we're at war - gimme my
tax cuts! Yes, good old George has decided that since we're
already spending billions of dollars on the war on terror,
the best way to boost the nation's confidence is to give some
extremely wealthy corporations a huge financial handout, um,
I mean, an opportunity to stimulate the economy. Unfortunately
the latest plan, narrowly voted through by the House last
week, has got a few flaws. For starters, according
to the L.A. Times, "80% of the benefits from the proposed
capital gains tax cuts would go to the richest 2% of Americans."
Yep, that sounds like a Republican tax cut plan alright. But
the L.A. Times goes on to report that interestingly,
payroll taxes may have to be raised in order to pay
for the capital gains tax cut. So basically, the fat cash
which is being doled out to mega-rich corporations is going
to come directly from the paychecks of hard-working lower
and middle-class Americans. Everyone feeling more confident
Why does Pat Robertson hate liberals but love foreign dictators?
Because holding these positions vastly increases his personal
fortune, just like Jesus would have wanted. We've all heard
about the Falwell/Robertson 9-11 fiasco but this latest nugget
goes to show what a man of God Robertson really is.
Here's the story - a few years ago, Pat Robertson's oil company,
Freedom Gold, wanted to start an mining venture in Liberia.
In order to get a foothold in the country, Robertson signed
a deal giving President Charles Taylor's regime a 10% ownership
in the company. Now for those of you who don't know who Charles
Taylor is, here's how Rep. Ed Royce (R) described him: "Charles
Taylor has waged a continuous assault on the democratic dreams
of the Liberian people. He rules by decree, he suppresses
the press... and he sanctions, if not directs, the murder
of political opponents. He and his so-called 'inner circle'
control virtually all the nation's significant trade... Liberia
has been described as Charles Taylor Inc. This corporation
is corrupt to its core." Back in 1992, Taylor's rebels entered
a convent and had five Americans executed because they were
white. But all this clearly means nothing to Robertson, who,
it seems, will say anything, do anything, and suck up to anyone
in order to make a quick buck. You know, just like it says
to do in the Bible.
An astute reader happened to spot this Rush gem last week. It
seems that Lardbaugh is losing his sanity faster than his hearing
these days, suggesting on air that the person responsible for
sending salmonella to Bill Clinton's Harlem office was none
other than... Bill Clinton himself. Hell, it makes perfect sense
if you think about it. An ex-president, feeling somewhat left
out of the whole bio-terrorism loop, says to himself, "What
can I do to regain my rightful place in the limelight? I know!
I'll cook a chicken at an unsafe temperature, scrape out the
bits, and mail them to myself! That'll show 'em!" This scenario
is in fact much more realistic than, say, some crazed Limbaugh
listener, ditto-brainwashed by years of rabid Clinton-hatred,
deciding that he'll do El Rushbo a favor and knock off his arch-enemy
while the going's good. In fact, if you really think about it,
I bet Tom Daschle sent himself that Anthrax too! Oh yes, the
pieces are all clicking into place now. Tom probably thought
that if he murdered himself, then the bolshevik masses
would rise up and sweep the conservatives from power, turning
America into a glorious socialist paradise! Well, you never
David Dewhurst, Republican candidate for Texas lieutenant
ran a splendidly patriotic campaign ad in Texas Monthly
magazine, featuring a brave soldier standing in front of the
Stars and Stripes. Brings a lump to the throat doesn't it?
"Vote Dewhurst. He's got a soldier and a flag." However, if
Dewhurst had looked a little more closely at the ad before
it was run, he would have noticed that the soldier in question
was wearing the full dress uniform of... the German army,
complete with a name tag bearing the German flag. Achtung
Like father, like son I guess. Jonathan Falwell, son of ultra-bigot
Jerry, is now trying to cash in on behalf of his dad, using
the outraged response to Reverend Falwell's disgusting 9-11
comments (see Idiots 37) to solicit sympathy (and, of course,
cash) from fundamentalists. A letter to Falwell's flock of
sheep, signed by Jonathan, asks for "Vote of Confidence" donations.
The letter reads,
in part, "Liberals of all stripes, especially in the media,
have seized on this opportunity to trash Dad's deeply held
Christian beliefs and to literally attack him day and night.
. . . It seems that Satan has launched a hail of fiery darts
at Dad recently." So let's get this straight... presumably
when Jerry "apologized" he didn't mean it at all, because
now he's got his son sending out fundraising letters suggesting
that he was right all along and the liberals who criticized
him are agents of Satan. Now I kinda thought that lying was
a sin, and I'm pretty positive that "thou shalt make
a fat profit from hate speech" isn't in the Bible either.
Oh well, I guess Jerry's "deeply held Christian beliefs" are
a little different to those held by normal Christians.
Internet rumor-shark Matt Drudge sank to new lows last week,
filing a breathless
report on the Hillary boo-fest at the Concert for New York.
It seems that the once-proud Drudge report, formerly a hot-bed
of insider information and first with all the scoops that
matter, has now resorted to copying stories from page 18 of
the New York Times and reworking them to give nearby conservatives
a chubby. It was especially odd that Drudge, being a stickler
for detail and all, failed to mention that you could quite
clearly hear that the cheers for Hillary were much louder
than the boos. Still, wouldn't want the facts to get in the
way of a good piece of propaganda. And one more important
note: we keep being told that we're supposed to be uniting
behind our leaders, and coming together to heal the
country. So why is it okay, nay, applauded when a bunch
of heroically drunk firefighters catcall an elected United
States Senator at a charity event to raise money for the victims
of 9-11? Doesn't sound very patriotic to me.
them out of their holes?" Pah! Steve Buyer's got a much
better idea. Let's NUKE them out of their holes! Yup, Rep.
Buyer went on record
last week saying that the U.S. should use tactical nuclear
weapons against al Qaeda if it turns out that they've got
anything to do with the anthrax attacks. Sounds like a plan.
Now, we here at DU have got absolutely nothing against ridding
the world of the terrorists that planned the 9-11 attack.
But we have a niggling feeling that discharging nuclear weapons
in the general vicinity of Russia, China, Pakistan and India
may not necessarily lead to good things. Oh well, guess that
makes us pantywaist commies. A question for Mr. Buyer though
- if it eventually turns out that the anthrax has come from
right-wing militia wackos, are we going to drop the bomb on
them too? Or is this a turbans-only nuclear policy? Enquiring
minds want to know...
Thank God the adults are in charge. You know, when Bush
was campaigning, a lot of people decided that although he
was an amiable dunce, he was at least surrounding himself
with the best and most experienced people. So it probably
didn't matter that he was a totally unsuitable candidate since
he had a strong team behind him. Well the proof of the pudding
is in the tasting, as they say, so step forward defense mastermind
Donald Rumsfeld. Last week, Rummy was having a bit of a tough
time trying to get his head round this whole "war on terrorism"
thing, deciding that yes, we're going to smoke bin Laden out
of his hole, um, wait, no we're not, uh, hang on, yes we are.
It seems that while his boss has been quite confident in our
ability to track down bin Laden, (smoke him out, round him
up, bring him to justice), poor Don is a little uncertain.
Last week he lowered expectations to rock-bottom and said
that it would be "very difficult" to capture bin Laden (ie.
when we don't get him, I'll be able to say "I told you so.")
But just 24 hours later he unexpectedly decided
that, in fact, "I think we're going to get him." You know,
it's really good in a time of crisis to be able to have such
confidence in our leaders, isn't it?
now it's time for Ari's Lie of the Week. This week's lie is
brought to you by the White House press corps. It all began
when Ari was asked how George W. Bush's support for a new
airline passenger surcharge could possibly be in line with
Ari's previously held position that raising revenues is exactly
the same as increasing taxes. "I never defined it that way,"
he said, and, "I defy you to find that statement because it
has not been made." Heh heh! Sounds like a challenge! Reporters
scurried away, and at the next press briefing presented Ari
with the transcript of the September 6th briefing, in which
he said, and I quote, "If you raise money, it's a tax hike."
Whoops! Ari lamely countered that, well, he'd been talking
about when the Democrats were trying to roll back Bush's
tax cut, and that of course he didn't mean that all
measures that bring in revenue could be labeled as a tax raise.
Ooh, good comeback.
finally: anthrax, schmantrax. There are FAR more important
things to be worrying about at the moment, like, say, pushing
your unproven abstinence-only sex education plans. That's
why Rep. Istook of Oklahoma recently
decided that despite everything, marching onward with his
anti-choice agenda was surely the right thing to do. And since
the CDC obviously doesn't have a lot on their plate at the
moment, he might as well take money away from them to fund
his plan. Seems sensible, right? After all, what's a little
unprecedented bio-terrorism compared to the awesome opportunity
to crush teenagers' raging hormones once and for all? See
you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List