Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 40)
Watts Your Problem Edition
Roll up, roll up, we've got idiots galore! This week's head
honcho, J.C. Watts, is really doing his absolute best to promote
that famous conservative ideal, "do as I say, not as
I do," with Michael Sneed (2) backing him up. Ann Coulter
(3) is incredibly annoyed that some people are being nice
to Arab-Americans, the Houston Chronicle (4) is protecting
its readership from them thar gays, and House Republicans
(5) are busy handing over any of your money that they're not
spending on high explosives to their rich buddies. Scraping
the bottom of the barrel we find Nancy Reagan (8) getting
her designer panties in a bunch, and Dick Cheney (10) patriotically
pooping in his drawers. Enjoy!
You've got to give J.C. Watts one thing - he's a pretty funny
guy. Who else would have the cahones to support the new aviation
security bill and then proceed to violate security measures
at an airport? And boy, when J.C. violates airport security,
he sure does the job right. Here's the story:
Rep. Watts showed up at Will Rogers World Airport a few weeks
ago, and proceeded to leave his car in an unattended loading
zone out front. Uh-oh... since September 11, this sort of
thing has been severely frowned upon. So what did J.C. do
when he came back to his car to discover Sergeant Edward Stupka
writing him a $15 ticket? Why, he flew into a rage of course.
Watts took the ticket and stuffed it under Stupka's badge,
telling him to "take care of it." Yikes! Watts then continued
to rant about airport security, and at one point allegedly
used the word "bomb" (incidentally, people have been arrested
and charged before 9/11 for using the word "bomb" at
an airport) before Officer Stupka, who was not amused, threw
the ticket onto the back seat of J.C.'s car. Watts then drove
away. After discovering that the Oklahoman was going
to run a story about the incident, J.C. desperately tried
to get in touch with Officer Stupka to apologize. Stupka was,
unfortunately, not particularly interested. Which leaves us
with this: presumably J.C. Watts was thinking that since he's
a) a congressman, and b) an ex-football hero, he can pretty
much bend the law however he pleases. Perhaps rather than
being pissed off that his position doesn't allow him to break
the law, he should be thanking his lucky stars instead - because
let's face it, if he wasn't a congressman and ex-football
hero, he would have had his ass thrown in jail (or possibly
shot off) before he even had the chance to drive away.
Chicago Sun-Times columnist Michael Sneed noted in
last week that "the Rev. Jesse Jackson has chosen not to fly
an American flag in front of his house on South Constance
Avenue, nor are the Stars and Stripes flying in front of the
Operation PUSH headquarters on 50th Street." Yes, that's right
- Jesse Jackson is not flying an American flag. Somebody call
the FBI and have that man strung up immediately. Sneed went
on to announce: "Nothing wrong with that. It just seems strange
Jesse would eschew such a small effort when he was willing
to make such a big effort to fly to Afghanistan to negotiate
with the terrorists a few weeks ago. PS. I must admit I have
yet to fly a flag since my flagpole broke in July, but then
again I didn't volunteer to broker peace in Afghanistan."
Um, so let's get this straight - you didn't volunteer to broker
peace in Afghanistan and you're not flying an American
flag? Sounds like Jesse's one up on you there then, Michael.
And while we're at it, it also seems strange that you can
make the effort to write fifty words digging at the guy, but
you can't be bothered to fix your damn flagpole.
It seems that Ann Coulter has totally and utterly lost it. First
there was her "We should invade their countries, kill their
leaders and convert them to Christianity" comment (see Idiots
37). And now she's written an article
complaining that people are just being too darn nice to Muslims.
"Far from blaming Muslim immigrants to this country, Americans
are showering them with love bombs," whined Coulter. "All this
merely for belonging to the same religion as the cold-blooded
killers who recently attacked America." Well gee, d'you think
it's because maybe some Americans might be a tad embarrassed
about their fellow countrymen going round beating up and shooting
people because they're wearing a "diaper on their head?" (thanks
John Cooksey - see Idiots 37 also.) Nah, couldn't be. Why, Americans
should be proud of their intolerance! Right? "It's perplexing
to hear liberals carrying on so about how peaceful most Muslims
are," continued Ann - which must be equally perplexing to not-so-liberal
George W. Bush. In his televised press conference last week
he said, "I was struck by this that in many cities when Christian
and Jewish women learned that Muslim women, women of cover (sic),
were afraid of going out of their homes alone, that they went
shopping with them, that they showed true friendship and support,
an act that shows the world the true nature of America." Hear
that Ann? Bush is calling you un-American.
Did you know that Mark Bingham, one of the heroes who
helped bring down the terrorist plane in Pennsylvania, was
gay? Well you wouldn't if you read the Houston Chronicle.
The Chronicle picked up a story
about Bingham from a California new source and for some reason
(homophobia) proceeded to edit out all references to his sexual
orientation. I know what you're thinking - what does his sexual
preference have to do with what he did? Nothing, of course.
But consider this: since 9/11 we've heard many statements
from the husbands and wives of the victims, paying tribute
to the memory of their loved ones. But the Houston Chronicle
in its editorial wisdom decided to cut from the original story
a statement from Bingham's partner of six years, Paul Holm.
Oh, and they also decided to remove another quote from a friend
of Bingham's, which said that Mark "wasn't anybody's stereotype"
and that he had the ability to "bring together politicians,
students, the gay community, artists." So there you go. Heterosexual
hero = endless TV reruns of wives explaining what good men
their husbands were. Homosexual hero = um, well, we don't
want to shove the gay agenda in people's faces. Won't somebody
think of the children?
Looks like the GOP is back to doing what it does best.
Mere hours after George W. Bush's mind-bogglingly tedious
press conference (smoke em out, round em up, bring em to justice,
repeat) last Thursday, House Republicans sprang a surprise
$100 billion tax-cut package on the Democrats and then spent
all day Friday ramming the bill through. Bi-partisanship -
you gotta love it. The proposed legislation would introduce
tax-cut bonuses for corporations and the wealthy, or as the
New York Times put it, the people "least in need of
help." What a surprise! Who would have thought that those
honorable House Republicans would exploit a national tragedy
and use Bush's popularity to force through yet more tax-cuts
for the super-rich? Gee, I would never have guessed it myself…
He's been out of office for years now, but Newt Gingrich remains
one of the all-time biggest conservative idiots of all time.
Once again, his factually-challenged partisan hyperbole only
serves to illustrate his own hypocrisy and moral bankruptcy.
One of our readers reports that last week, while filling in
for Rush Limbaugh, Tony Snow quoted the Newtster as saying:
"The attacks of September 11th may not have happened
if the Clinton Administration had not been so pathetically
weak and unable to focus. "Why, exactly, was Clinton
"unable to focus?" Could it be because a blood-thirsty
mob of voyeuristic Republican perverts wasted more than a
year and countless millions of dollars documenting every sordid
detail of his sex life? Nah, couldn't be. And speaking of
focus, it must have been difficult for Newt to stay focused
on his job when he was busy poking a certain female
member of his congressional staff. Or that time when he served
divorce papers to his wife while she was in the hospital recovering
from cancer surgery.
Bush Administration wants the American people to know that
the skies are safe, and in a public display of confidence,
they've been sending various cabinet officials on commercial
airline flights around the country. Behind the scenes, however,
the Administration's been showing just how confident they
really are. It came to light
last week that they've been pressuring the FAA to re-assign
air marshals to the commercial flights with cabinet officials
on them - in some cases removing marshals from other flights
considered to be at a greater risk of hijacking. This is in
keeping with the Republican ideal of personal responsibility:
Leave us regular people to fend for ourselves, while they
pull the levers of power to cover their own asses, and the
asses of their friends.
Uh-oh! There's cat-fighting afoot in the world of fashion…
It was revealed
last week that designer Oscar de la Renta has had a rather
unpleasant falling-out with one of his clients, former First
Lady Nancy Reagan. Why? Because de la Renta had the gall to
do some work for Hillary Clinton when she was first
lady. Oh the humanity. Yes, Nancy "not-at-all-a-complete-bitch"
Reagan chewed Oscar a new one after he started designing outfits
for Hillary. Apparently Nancy was "offended," whereas Oscar
was simply bemused. "I think that regardless of your political
inclinations, if the First Lady of your country asks you to
do something for her, you don't say no," he said. Oscar, Oscar,
Oscar. Where have you been my friend? Haven't you heard? Just
say no, Oscar. Just say no…
Noonan, David Limbaugh and Frank Gaffney
Review hacks were jockeying for position in the race
to praise George W. Bush after his televised press conference
last week. And… they're off! Straight out of the gate it's
Noonan, Noonan on the rail, and she's taking a commanding
lead: "He is honest, self-trusting, compassionate, shrewd.
He goes by his gut, and is a Christian, a prayer who knows
he is prayed for." But here comes Limbaugh now, charging up
from the rear: "He left no doubt that he is in charge (the
operation has his fingerprints all over it, even down to his
compassionate plan to send food packages to starving children)."
And Noonan is fading, but Gaffney's making a break for it
on the inside: "In response to penetrating questions from
the White House press corps, he conveyed unmistakably a man
authentically rising to the occasion." But it's Limbaugh again
now, Limbaugh ahead of Gaffney: "Don't you know that they
are just kicking themselves in those caves right now for their
terrible timing - in picking on the wrong cowboy?" And as
they come up to the line, Gaffney's making a final run for
it: "President Bush's prime-time news conference last night
confirmed an impression indelibly made by his address to the
Congress, the nation and the world on September 20th: Against
many people's expectations - including, frankly my own - Mr.
Bush is proving to be a Churchill for our time." And it's
Gaffney by a nose! A very, very, brown nose indeed.
finally, if it's brown-nose time for the pundits, it's brown-trouser
time for the vice president. Last week, Dick Cheney was finally
coerced out of the "secure location" where he has reportedly
spent the last month cowering. And we thought Bush was the
girly-boy in this administration. But no - it turns out that
Dick Cheney's the real yellow-belly, hiding behind his mommy's
skirts as hero George smokes the evil-doers out of their caves.
We've heard nary a peep from lily-livered Dick since September
11, except when he coughed at Tim Russert a lot, and stood
behind GW at a photo-op once. He looked a bit pale then if
you think about it. Probably worrying about whether his adult
diaper could take the strain I expect. So much for Dick Cheney
being the brains behind Operation Enduring Freedom. Guess
he's too busy sitting in a bunker somewhere sucking his thumb.
See you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List