Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 37)
Infinite Justice Edition
There was no list last week. It didn't seem particularly
appropriate to be making jokes about idiots. But in the last
two weeks, there have been plenty of conservatives who have
gone out of their way to make themselves look downright foolish.
It's almost like they were asking us to write about
them. And so we are proud to present the return of the Top
Ten Conservative Idiots. No icons this week though, the words
speak for themselves. Enjoy - if you can. Oh, and by the way,
we did receive some submissions for Osama Bin Laden this week.
We're not going to go there. These people may be idiots, but
they certainly don't deserve to be compared to that
Look, we've all been deeply affected by what happened on September
11. Ann Coulter lost one of her best friends, Barbara Olson,
on the plane which hit the Pentagon. But at a time when even
the most partisan individuals set aside their differences,
no matter how temporarily, Ann Coulter just could not let
it go. In a September 12 article,
Coulter paid tribute to her friend the only way she knew how
- by bashing the Clintons: "[Ted and Barbara Olson's] was
a relationship that could only be cheaply imitated by Bill
and Hillary." Now I don't have a problem with that. After
all, it's probably what Barbara would have wanted. But the
really weird stuff came in the very last paragraph of the
article, where Ann suggested a mind-boggling solution to the
problem of terrorism. "We should invade their countries, kill
their leaders and convert them to Christianity." Um... I think
we already tried that between the 11th and 13th centuries
and it didn't really seem to do a lot of good. Mind you, we
didn't have Cruise missiles back then, so perhaps it's worth
another go, eh? There were more pearls of wisdom from Coulter
this weekend - in another article,
she suggests that since "really annoying" security procedures
don't necessarily make a "safe plane," we should simply "pass
a law tomorrow requiring that all aliens from Arabic countries
leave." Yeah, c'mon guys, you're making life annoying for
Ann. Why don't you all just go back where you came from already?
Ever the good shepherd, Jerry Falwell just could not resist
the opportunity to use the September 11 tragedy for his own
twisted ends. People were still reeling from the shock of
it all when Falwell appeared on Pat Robertson's TV show The
700 Club and went off on a tirade
against all things liberal. According to Falwell, the disaster
occured because God was displeased with feminists, gays, lesbians,
abortionists, pagans, the U.S. courts, the ACLU and the People
for the American Way. "I point the finger in their face and
say, you helped this happen," he announced. For Falwell to
even think of making such comments in the first place is sickening;
to make them on behalf of a religion which is supposed to
promote forgiveness, tolerance and compassion is despicable.
But hey, this is America. The guy has the right to say whatever
he likes, even if he is using the deaths of thousands
of people to promote his own hateful, bigoted agenda. I wonder
how Falwell feels about Mark Bingham - a gay man - one of
the passengers who courageously helped to bring down the fourth
plane before it could hit its target in Washiongton D.C.?
On second thoughts, I don't want to know.
Yeah you too, Pat Robertson. Don't think you're getting
away it. Mr. "Oh, I agree."
Jerry Falwell would be so proud of the Reverend Chuck
Spingola and his little, um, "outreach" program. On a recent
visit to the University of Wisconsin, Chuck Spingola, and
some members of his ministry, "Missionaries of the Pre-Born"
got into a little hot water after Spingola decided to do a
little "laying on of hands." The group were visiting the university
campus to talk about the evils of abortion and homosexuality,
which unfortunately didn't go down too well with some of the
students. During a confrontation,
Spingola allegedly started choking a gay man, while telling
him that his time had come to go to hell. Forgive me, I must
have missed the bit in the Bible where Jesus told his flock
to spread the good word by strangling homosexuals.
Rep. Cooksey of Louisiana decided that if he was going to
beat Ann Coulter in the xenophobia Olympics he would have
to pull out all the stops. So he told
Lousiana radio stations last week that the police should crack
down on anyone who might be "wearing a diaper on his head,"
just in case they had something to do with the terrorist attack.
A diaper? What on earth? Even without that ignorant comment,
the sentiment behind racial profiling is particularly dense.
And I don't suppose it occured to Cooksey that any terrorists
who are still in the country might not be out and about in
full traditional dress. Anyway, after hearing that Attorney
General John Ashcroft had announced that racial profiling
is, and will remain, illegal, Cooksey said, "Well, I hope
that no additional Americans die because of a failure to recognize
that some people, that 100 percent of the people who were
involved in this, met a certain profile." Presumably this
doesn't include the Americans who've been beaten and shot
to death recently because they happened to be wearing a diaper
on their heads.
Inhofe and Frank Murkowski
Capitol Hill has been mostly stunned into bi-partisanship,
but there is a small but growing list of Republicans who just
want to push their agenda through, national tragedy or no
national tragedy. Step forward Senator Frank Murkowski of
Alaska, and Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma. Last Wednesday
Murkowski vehemently denied
that he was going to add an ANWR drilling amendment to the
defense bill which is currently being rushed through Congress,
but a few hours later his energy policy ally Senator Inhofe
stepped in and did his dirty work for him. Although of course,
Murkowski had absolutely no idea that Inhofe was going
to do that. It must have just been pure coincidence. So there
you go. After months of debate they just stick an amendment
onto a bill that Democrats can only oppose if they want to
be labeled as Bin Laden sympathizers, and it's bye-bye ANWR.
Despite everything, it's politics as usual for the GOP.
appears that idiocy is not just restricted to American shores
- witness Mark Steyn, who, writing
in the UK magazine The Specator took the World Trade
Center's destruction as an opportunity to bash the disabled.
"The post-Cold War interlude is over," Steyn wrote, "an era
of follies — OJ, Monica — and fatuities, a few of which Tuesday’s
horror stories cruelly underlined: employees in wheelchairs,
whom Bob Dole’s Americans with Disabilities Act and the various
lobby groups insist can do anything able-bodied people can,
found themselves trapped on the 80th floor, unable to get
downstairs, unable even to do as others did and hurl themselves
from the windows rather than be burned alive." Yeah, that'll
teach those pesky disabled people who think they're just as
good as us normal folks. Perhaps those who weren't crushed
to death or burned alive will now see the error of their ways
and start asking for wheelchair ramps. Um, hang on a second...
When Intelligence Committee member Senator John Edwards
was interviewed on television shortly after September 11,
he quite rightly refused to divulge any classified information
- the same position we have seen taken by Colin Powell, Donald
Rumsfeld, and General Hugh Shelton. Unfortunately our old
friend Senator Orrin Hatch couldn't resist the tempatation
to blab sensitive information to all and sundry, appearing
on television September 11 to reveal everything he knew about
telephone conversations which had been intercepted between
groups linked to Bin Laden. Hatch was pressed on the matter,
that he got the info from high-level intelligence sources
- who were plenty pissed when they had to come out the next
day and admit that it was true. And when Hatch wasn't compromising
national security, he was doing his best to destroy the temporary
suspension of partisanship, getting in a few digs at Bill
Clinton and claiming that he had been warning everyone for
years that this was going to happen. Way to showboat, Orrin.
Just what we needed.
on and on it goes... left-wingers who don't suddenly jump
into lockstep with George W. Bush are un-American, unpatriotic,
and worse, Bin Laden sympathizers. But it's just fine and
dandy for right-wingers to use September 11 as an excuse to
aggressively push their conservative political agenda. Here's
Larry Kudlow in the National
Review Online: "Phony lockboxes must be thrown out
the window. Unnecessary obsessions over debt retirement must
be driven away. Now is the time for aggressive fiscal and
monetary stimulus to promote growth and finance freedom. Substantial
tax cuts on individuals, businesses, capital investment, and
equipment depreciation should be immediately put into place.
Lower tax rates across the board will aid recovery by reducing
production and investment costs while stimulating an entrepreneurial
economic return. The Federal Reserve Board must substantially
increase the volume of bank reserves to reliquefy the financial
system and the economy. Steps to promote energy production
must be taken aggressively." Gee Larry, can't you even wait
until Ground Zero has stopped smoldering?
finally - hot on the heels of "Republican Marty"
(see Idiots 15) and Philip Giordano (see Idiots passim) comes
a story that would have slipped under the radar screen. But
since we're in the business of bringing these things to your
attention, here you go. Meet Randy Ankeney, Republican activist
and child molester extraordinaire. He's pleading "not guilty,"
of course, to all the charges - don't they always? - but Randy
might be in deep doo-doo pretty soon. It's the usual tale
- boy meets girl, boy finds out girl is thirteen years old,
boy takes topless photos of girl in room full of pictures
of George W. Bush. You'll have to read
it to believe it. See you next week.
a Conservative for Next Week's List