Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 33)
Don't Let The Door Hit You In The Ass Edition
Two famous North Carolinian racists top the chart this week.
First up is Don Davis, who failed to see any harm in sending
out a bit of White Supremacist e-mail to his colleagues in
the NC state House. Second up is Jesse Helms, and as a mark
of respect for the old ratbag - I mean, retiring senator -
we've compiled a small retrospective of some of his best quotes.
Further down the list we find George W. Bush (5) getting a
little tired and confused, and Christie Todd Whitman (6) getting
a little snippy. Bringing up the rear are daddy's boys Strom
Thurmond Jr. (8) and Eugene Scalia (9), and let's not forget
Orrin Hatch (10), songwriter extrordinaire. Enjoy - and as
always, don't forget the key.
on chart: 1 - You asked for it, and you got it.
Overwhelmingly nominated this week, and rightfully so, state
legislator Don Davis of North Carolina pushed everyone's buttons.
So what's the story? Well, if you haven't heard by now, Don
Davis did something that we've all done from time to time:
he received an e-mail which he thought would be of interest
to others, and forwarded it. Unfortunately, the e-mail, which
Davis forwarded to every member of the state House and Senate,
said, "Two things made this country great: White men
and Christianity." The message went on to say that all
of America's current problems "can be directly traced
back to our departure from God's Law and the disenfranchisement
of White men." Uproar ensued. After initially stating
that "there's a lot of it that's truth," Davis realized
his huge political gaffe and proceeded to release a statement
of pure, unmitigated balderdash: "I am not now nor have
I ever been a racist." Um, whatever.
on chart: 2 - Speaking of insane North Carolinian
racists, it's with a heavy heart we bid adieu to Jesse Helms,
who announced last week that he would not be retiring in 2003.
To commemorate Helms's 30 years of idiocy, here are a few
choice quotes from the golden years of "Senator No,"
courtesy of The Hotline. On Clinton-era HUD appointee
Roberta Actenberg: "She's not your garden-variety lesbian.
She's a militant-activist-mean lesbian." On Bill Clinton visiting
North Carolina: "Mr. Clinton better watch out if he comes
down here. He'd better have a bodyguard." On AIDS: "We've
got to have some common sense about a disease transmitted
by people deliberately engaging in unnatural acts." After
debating Sen. Carol Moseley-Braun on the "virtues" of the
Confederate Flag: "I'm going to sing 'Dixie' to her until
she cries." During a debate on investigating Mexican corruption:
"All Latins are volatile people. Hence, I was not surprised
at the volatile reaction." From a direct mail fundraising
appeal: "Your tax dollars are being used to pay for grade
school classes that teach our children that CANNIBALISM, WIFE-SWAPPING,
and the MURDER of infants and the elderly are acceptable behavior."
And finally: "The New York Times and The
Washington Post are both infested with homosexuals..."
Ah, Jesse, you will be sorely missed. And don't let the door
hit you in the ass and knock your false teeth out when you
on chart: 1 - You know how conservatives are always
telling people to pull themselves up by the bootstraps, get
a job, and stop asking for handouts? Well perhaps Linda Tripp
should take their advice. In a recent letter to GOP supporters,
Tripp grovels pitifully for cash donations towards her "defense
fund" (she apparently has $2 million in legal fees),
whining, "I won't make $100,000 per speech. I didn't
run for Senate. I'm not selling purses." Well pardon
me, but boo-fricking-hoo Linda. Perhaps if you got off your
fat ass and found a job, instead of lounging around fanning
yourself with plastic surgery bills and sighing "woe
is me," then your former GOP buddies would feel a little
more sympathetic. Let's face it, they owe you. It must feel
pretty rough for Tripp to be left out in the cold by all those
people who hailed her as a hero during impeachment. But then,
what did she expect? That's the friendly GOP - use people
to further your political agenda till you don't need them
any more, then pretend you never even heard of them (are you
listening, Katherine Harris?) Still, it's a crying shame Linda
didn't figure that out beforehand.
on chart: 1 - Perhaps Linda Tripp should ask Monica
Lewinsky for a handout - because according to Ann Coulter,
Lewinsky would be dead if it weren't for the good graces of
her best friend Linda. One of our readers was listening to
the Sean Hannity radio show last Wednesday, and heard guest
Ann Coulter spew forth the following indefensible gobshite:
"If it wasn't for Linda Tripp, Monica Lewinsky would
have ended up just like Chandra Levy." Yes folks, you
heard right. And it's true because Bill Clinton is a proven
murderer just like Gary Condit. Gee, I wonder if we can expect
to see Ann Coulter making a big donation to the Linda Tripp
Last week: 10 Weeks
on chart: 25 - From The New York Times, here's
yet more proof that Bush is an incoherent ignoramus (as if
you needed it). At a GOP fundraiser last week, Dubya attempted
to show how concerned he was about energy conservation, and
started banging on about "vampire" devices. For
those of you who haven't heard the term before, a "vampire"
device is a piece of electronic equipment which continues
to draw an electrical charge even when it isn't being used
- for example, a cell phone charger, a VCR, or a television.
But if you listened to our eloquent president explain it,
you may still be at a loss: "A vampire is a - a - cell deal
you can plug in the wall to charge your cell phone." Give
the guy a break though - it was getting close to his bedtime,
and we know he gets confused after dark. We hear that a sleepy
Dubya later went on to ask aides, "So tell me again why
Count Chocula needs a cell phone?"
on chart: 4 - Poor old Christie. We reported months
ago (see Idiots 10, 11 & 12) that she wasn't feeling too
happy with her role at the Environmental Protection Agency
- now it seems that the grumblings are becoming louder. The
New York Times Magazine reported last week that Christie
Whitman has "the most thankless job in Washington."
Formerly "the brightest star" in the GOP, Whitman
now "visits toxic-waste sites" (including the White
House). According to poor Christie, Colin Powell has been
picking on her at meetings, calling her a "wind dummy."
What's a wind dummy? Well apparently the military tosses wind
dummies out of planes before parachute jumps, to check which
way the wind is blowing. Sounds like an apt description! During
the interview, Whitman was asked why she wanted the job in
the first place. She snapped, "I didn't say I wanted
the job. I said I took it." Ooooh! Touchy!
on chart: 10 - The
dirt keeps rolling in. Last week the Palm Beach Post
revealed that Ms. Harris attempted to have the state of Florida
pay $12,000 to Adam Goodman, a Republican operative who was
working out of her office during the recount. Obviously it
was highly inappropriate for Katherine Harris to have been
seeking advice from a partisan political consultant in the
first place (considering she was supposed to be representing
all of Florida's voters, not just the Republicans) but in
defending herself Harris made it clear that Goodman was an
unpaid volunteer. Not through want of trying though. In an
April 9th letter to Goodman, Harris wrote, "As we discussed
in DC - You said $12,000. I am not trying to be weird about
this because I want to pay you what you deserve, but they
have been working on this since I returned. Now you say $20,000.
I am confused - they will be, too. This is a delicate matter."
So who are "they" exactly? Here's a clue: if news
like this keeps leaking out, "they" are going
to drop Katherine Harris quicker than a greased Linda Tripp.
on chart: 1 - To get a top job in the Bush administration,
you need three things: experience, maturity, and impeccable
qualifications. And if you don't have any of those things,
then don't worry - there's always nepotism. When Congress
returns, Strom Thurmond Jr. will almost certainly be appointed
to the post of U.S. Attorney, despite the fact that the 28-year-old
is only three years out of law school. But considering that
his dad is the senior senator for South Carolina, well hell,
what else do you need to know? GOPers are of course more than
satisfied with the chronically underqualified young lawyer,
because despite his desperately slim resume he's got a familiar
name which is easy to remember. And that's what's important.
Weeks on chart: 1 - If you
liked the nomination of Strom Thurmond Jr., you'll LOVE the
nomination of Eugene Scalia, friend of the working man and
son of conservative supremo Antonin. Yes, it seems that affirmative
action is a-okay with the GOP when you're talking about rich
white men (or perhaps this is the "affirmative access"
that Bush waffled about during the debates). The New York
Post reported last week that Eugene, the nominee for Labor
Department attorney, will be up before the Health, Education
and Labor Committee in September. However, Eugene won't quite
get the free ride that Strom Jr. is getting - he faces a tough
time over some comments he made recently. But hey, so what
if he said that "Ergonomics is quackery" - it's
not like the poor guy's ever had to actually do any hard work
in his life before, so how would he know? Be fair. Although
it's lucky for him that his daddy was in charge of deciding
who won last year's election, otherwise he probably wouldn't
have been nominated at all. Hmm.
Weeks on chart: 1 - And finally,
who would have thought that as well as being a scrunched-up
little Senator from Utah, Orrin Hatch is also a smash hit
songwriter? Yes, you heard right - and Hatch's latest work
is to be featured in the new Jerry Zucker movie, Rat Race.
That's Rat Race, the movie which features a guy
squirting milk from a cow's udder into another guy's face,
as all three dangle beneath a hot air balloon. Anyway, Hatch's
song is called "America Rocks," and goes a little
something like this: "America rocks! America rocks!/ From
its busy bustling cities/ To its quiet country walks/ It's
totally cool, it's totally hot/ I mean it's like right there
at the top." Bruce Springsteen eat your heart out. Interestingly,
Jerry Zucker's daughter suffers from juvenile diabetes, and
Orrin Hatch is an advocate of stem cell research. The Salt
Lake Tribune reported last week that when asked whether
his position may have influenced Zucker's decision to include
his song in the movie, Hatch replied: "I don't think so."
Then, after a pause: "It may have been a factor." See you
a Conservative for Next Week's List