Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 31)
13 , 2001
Is That An Elephant In Your Pocket Or Are You
Just Pleased To See Me? Edition
She's back. You know who. But let's not talk about her right
now. Let's just shy away from that unpleasantness and focus
on some of the other splendid conservatives who are here doing
their utmost to further the cause this week. Why, there's
Dan Burton (3), just getting ready to gallivant off around
the globe courtesy of the American taxpayer! And look, there's
that old joker Bill O'Reilly (4)! Always one for the comedy
death threat. And would you believe it, there's our new friend
Philip Giordano (7)! Hey Phil, how's it going? Still doing
it to, er, I mean, for, the children? That's the spirit! And...
no... surely that can't be Michael Bloomberg (8) again? Goodness,
I haven't seen him since... ooh... about three weeks ago.
Welcome to you all - oh, and don't forget the handy-dandy
key. You never
know when it might come in useful.
Last week: 8 Weeks
on chart: 9
- Y'all are probably sick to death of Katherine Harris getting
on the list (this is her fourth consecutive week) but like
a remote-controlled boomerang attached to a bungee cord, she
just keeps coming back. This week's truckload of lies comes
courtesy of a report on the deleted files recovered from computers
which Harris's staff had used prior to election day. Here's
the poop - Harris maintained that at no time were any
partisan activites conducted in the Secretary of State's office
- a claim which has now been proven to be complete horsefeathers.
The recovered files showed that - surprise - political work
on behalf of George W. Bush was indeed conducted in Harris's
office throughout the year 2000. Even more damning, investigators
found a statement which called recounted Palm Beach County
votes "unlawful" - BEFORE SHE EVEN RECEIVED THEM.
Nutso Harris popped on the GOP blinders and released a statement
last week saying that the investigations "prove that
despite the innuendo and misinformation reported in the media,
no partisan political activity transpired in my office during
the recount period." HUH??? The phony quotables didn't
stop there though. According to the St. Petersburg Times
a spokesman for Harris said, "Her policy is no apologies,
no excuses, no regrets." Yeah, no kidding. More spectacular
lies from Harris: "I will not engage in these partisan politics.
I never have," (Tallahassee Democrat). Or how about:
"I am the least partisan person I know," (Pensacola
News Journal). Hey Katherine, you can quote me on this
- your lying ass needs to resign, pronto.
Island First Baptist Church
on chart: 1
- Look, it's a book! Quick, BURN IT! According to Florida
Today, more than 1000 lunatics - er, people - turned up
at Merritt Island First Baptist Church last Sunday to watch
a horrifying, perception-shattering video. The video claimed
that - shockingly - the Harry Potter book series could "catapult
youth into a life of witchcraft." GASP!!! The true irony
to this story, of course, is that in six years time all those
cute ten-year olds who couldn't get enough of Harry Potter
will be explaining to their death-metal buddies that they
never heard of the goggle-eyed little bastard. Six years after
that, they'll all be starting their careers as programmers
or accountants. Six years after that, they'll all be moaning
about their 401K's and why can't you get decent service in
this restaurant and ooh I know can you believe that Sarah
had twins and... hey - six six six! Spooky...
on chart: 4 - Clinically obsessed Clinton-hater
and one-time watermelon-detonator Rep. Dan Burton took a very
important trip to Europe last week. He's over in Frankfurt
investigating the German postal system - although whether
the purpose is to compare it to the U.S. system or to find
out whether Bill Clinton is sleeping with it is at this point
unclear. Funnily enough, Burton travelled without any congressional
aides, and had no formal agenda or briefing papers - highly
unusual for an official "fact-finding" tour. Even
more funnily enough, Burton's wife is in Frankfurt right now
undergoing experimental cancer treatment. But of course, Dan
Burton was absolutely not travelling abroad at taxpayer
expense for the purposes of visiting his sick wife. Why, that
would be totally
unethical. Heck, if he was taking a government-paid trip,
including per diems and Air Force transport, well that should
probably be brought to the attention of the congressman in
charge of the committee which investigates government waste.
Oh, wait a minute. Dan Burton is the congressman in
charge of the committee which investigates government waste.
on chart: 5
- What a charmer. O'Reilly, on The Factor last week:
"How can any human being not condemn Gary Condit? It's ridiculous.
We should hang him from the Capitol Building right now."
Yup, we provoke, you lynch.
on chart: 2
- Last week Michael Skupkin took a leaf out of Arnold Schwarzenegger's
book (How To Pretend To Run For Office And Then Chicken
Out For Dummies), announcing that he was, indeed, NOT
going to run for Senate after all. The sort-of-famous pig-murderer
decided that he just couldn't take time off from his new career
at the Michael Skupkin Ministries. More (hour of) power to
him. The real question here though is: who cares? Let's face
it, the only reason Captain Pork-Chops is pulling out of running
for Senate is because he's afraid of being demolished by heavyweight
Michigan Senator Carl Levin. Presumably second-rate celebrity
bible-bashing will be a lot easier in the long run.
on chart: 2
- QUESTION: What do you get if China takes your airmen hostage?
ANSWER: A bill for $34,000! Last week the Pentagon coughed
up the aforementioned 34 big ones after China demanded "board
and lodging" for the 11 U.S. servicemen who were captured
last April. Fortunately the Pentagon took a tough line and,
um, coughed up the dough. But that's not enough for China,
who originally demanded $1 million for the privilege of stealing
U.S. surveillance technology and returning the damaged spy
plane in boxes. Now they want the full payment. You can expect
the courageous Pentagon to laugh in the faces of the Chinese
though, before looking them straight in the eye and asking
THIS important question: cash or check?
on chart: 2
Two weeks ago (see Idiots 29) we commented on how Philip Giordano,
the Mayor of Waterbury, CT, was arrested on federal charges
of child sex abuse. It turns out that Giordano had an "inappropriate
relationship" with two girls, aged 9 and 10. That's the
sick and disgusting part - now for the arch hypocrisy. Philip
Giordano ran against Joe Lieberman for Senate last year, and
it was reported
last week that during the campaign, Giordano blasted Lieberman
for failing to "protect children from pedophiles." Takes
one to know one I guess. Mayor Pervert is currently languishing
in a jail cell somewhere in Connecticut, although to add crass
stupidity to depravity and hypocrisy, he is still refusing
to resign. Gee, I hope his cell mates don't find out what
he's in there for.
Weeks on chart: 5
- Yes, Blunderberg's back in spectacular fashion
this week with the latest in a long line of campaign cock-ups
(see Idiots 27, 28, and others). Turns out that Mickey B.
made a boo-boo last week when it was revealed
that his "Mike for Mayor" campaign T-shirts were
manufactured in... Salvadoran sweatshops. Fortunately, Bloomberg
managed to save the day with a timely statement declaring
that "it was clearly a mistake." Ah...... ha.
Weeks on chart: 4 - So it
seems that Karl Rove is having some serious memory problems
these days. Last week, the New
York Daily News reported that back in December 2000,
Karl Rove signed his financial disclosure form (which was supposed
to "list assets, positions held and other aspects of Rove's
personal finances dating through at least last year,")
but accidentally forgot to mention one important item
- that he was still president of Karl Rove & Co., the twenty
year old company which made him a multi-millionaire. Well, I
suppose it's hard to keep track of these things really. You
know we all do it. "Did I leave the front door unlocked?"
or, "Ooh, I can't remember if I turned off the stove,"
or, "Where the hell did these enormous piles of money come
from?" (By the way, is it just me or does "Karl Rove
& Co." sound like a bad 70's TV variety show?) Anyway,
according to ethics experts this is a "serious omission,"
which frankly, we'd get more worked up about if it wasn't becoming
par for the course for our Karl.
week: 7 Weeks on chart: 23
- And finally, behold the second Bush family finger-mangling
incident in as many months! In July (see Idiots 27), brother
Jebbie felt the wrath of Poppy when George Bush Sr. crushed
Jeb's middle finger between two boats. Ouch! Fortunately,
George didn't require any assistance at all last week, smashing
his own pinkie with a hammer while out gratuitously photo-opping
with Habitat for Humanity. Despite a few tears, George was
right as rain after a band aid and some "magic cream"
were applied. Curiously, the injury didn't prevent George
from announcing to the nation that he could fudge the stem
cell issue just as well as anyone, thank you very much. Which
leads us to speculate that his brain must be in one of his
other fingers! See you next week...
a Conservative for Next Week's List