Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 28)
Fair, Consistent and Evenhanded Edition
We had a few requests last week to bring back the "weeks
on chart" count, and never let it be said that we at
DU don't pay any attention to our readers! Even though it
is a giant pain in the ass to try and figure out how many
times everyone's been on. Ah well, the sacrifices we make
for the sake of entertainment. Moving on, (sorry Ari, I mean
moving on to the chart) we can see that this week's numero
uno head honcho is GOP uber-cow Mademoiselle Katherine
Harris (didn't know I could speak European didja?). Meanwhile,
newcomers The Pentagon (2) throw their uranium-tipped
hats into the vote-fraud ring, and Trent Lott (3) wigs
out (literally and figuratively). Looking further down the
chart we can see that George W. Bush (6 and 8) has
scored a double whammy this week, and Bill O'Reilly
(9) should probably go see a doctor about that nasty swelling
of the head. And don't forget, to decipher our new coding
system, just check the key. Enjoy!
on chart: 6
- We're surprised that Katherine Harris can even speak the
words "fair," "consistent," and "evenhanded,"
without a lighting bolt blasting her into a pile of molten
ashes, or her head exploding Scanners-style. Yet speak
those words she did last week. And if you want to know just
how fair Ms. Harris really is, check this new information
out: 1) According to the New York Times she set up
a GOP "war room" in her office during the
recount process, and didn't appear at a single press conference
without being thoroughly briefed by GOP strategists. 2) She
pronounced throughout the recount that Al Gore was never
once in the lead, despite her very own website telling
different story. 3) She is as we speak witholding from
reporters public information held on publicly-owned computers
(although of course, she has absolutely nothing to hide).
Harris made the "fairly, consistently and evenhandedly,"
comment in a statement from Buenos Aires, where she was on
a "trade mission" (Ha ha! Read: taxpayer-funded
vacation). She also suggested that the New York Times
report fully exonerated her. Which goes to prove that she's
not just a GOP whore, she's also a complete space cadet.
on chart: 1
- The last time I checked, the Pentagon uses some of my non-partisan
tax dollars for the purposes of buying bombs, planes, etc.
National defense, you know. But apparently that's not the
only thing the Pentagon gets up to when I'm not looking. The
same New York Times article which accused Katherine
Harris of being a partisan hag also pointed out that during
the recount process, the GOP requested that the Pentagon provide
them with the private e-mail addresses of military personnel.
And wouldn't you know it, the Pentagon was more than happy
to just hand 'em right over. "E-mail addresses? Why,
of course! Hey, as long as you're not going to use them to
get people to vote after election day, right? (wink)."
Oh well, now that Donald Rumsfeld is running around closing
military bases, you can bet that the Pentagon feels just dandy
about its exceedingly unethical behavior.
on chart: 8 You can say one thing about Trent Lott
- the guy's got balls (he keeps an extra set under his toupe).
Turning to the delicate subject of Gary Condit on FOX News
last week, Trent broke the needle off the hypocrisy meter
by suggesting that "Infidelity is always unacceptable...
If these allegations are true, obviously he should resign."
Pardon me, but are you on crack, Senator? Perhaps you should
suggest this novel idea to some of your conservative pals.
Let's see, Newt Gingrich has already gone - he didn't resign
because of his affair though, did he? Fortunately we still
have Henry "youthful indiscretion" Hyde, Bob "whipped
cream" Barr, Dan "illegitimate child" Burton,
Rudy "staffer shagger" Giuliani and, of course,
Tim "evolving relationship" Hutchinson (see below).
Oh, but I forgot - it's not about the sex, it's about
the dirty, dirty, Democrats.
on chart: 1
- Senator Hutchinson was interviewed recently in the Arkansas
Times and spoke out about his romance with a staffer which
ended his marriage. Unfortunately, the self-proclaimed "born-again
Christian" declined to reveal whether the romance began
before or after the women stopped working for him, or, in
fact, before he sought a divorce. The best he could do was
to declare that the relationship was "evolving."
Hmm. Presumably they were "just good friends." But
never mind all that. The most important thing, in Hutchinson's
own words, is that "we better not have to be saints or
be perfect in order to talk about what's good for the country."
Hello? Earth to Hutchinson? Well, I guess that's those conservative
morals for you - "we better not have to actually do all
the stuff that we insist other people do."
Last week: 5 Weeks
on chart: 11
- We all know that Dick Cheney is a big fan of the power companies.
But it turns out he's not so keen on paying his electricity
bill. Last week it was revealed that Vice President Crashcart
doesn't want to dip into his budget to pay his $186,000 bill
- he wants the Navy to pay it instead. I suppose this would
be funny if everyone else wasn't getting screwed by rising
energy costs and a complete unwillingness on the part of the
Bush administration to do anything about it. Funny though
- I thought conservative doctrine dictated that everyone should
pull themselves up by the bootstraps and pay their own way,
not get handouts from other people. Hey Dick, here's an idea
- how about we all send our electricity bills to the
Navy? D'you think they'll pay up?
Last week: 4 Weeks
on chart: 20
- It seems that George W. Bush is so very popular with the
public that his handlers had to, um, rent a crowd for him
when he appeared at the Jefferson Memorial on July 2nd. A
sent from a visiting Californian to the Washington Post
last week revealed the extent of Bush's fear of "real
people." Here's the letter in full: "On July 2,
I was touring the Jefferson Memorial with family and friends.
Then a policeman ordered everyone to leave. People objected,
dawdled and asked why. He was forceful, even rude, and ordered
us all out of the monument. We all stood around, cordoned
off, to wait to see what was happening. Soon President and
Mrs. Bush arrived by motorcade. Imagine our surprise when
we saw television coverage of the event showing the Bushes
shaking hands with "visitors" to the memorial. What visitors?
We had been rudely ejected. The visitors must have arrived
in the motorcade or been bused in around the other side of
the building while the real visitors were rudely herded out.
This is democracy?" Sorry, ma'am - democracy was herded
outside and cordoned off last year. Didn't you hear?
week: 7 Weeks on chart: 4
- He can't stay away! Michael Blunderberg was
back in the news last week with a double dose of idiocy. It
appears that while he may be a successful businessman, he
hasn't quite gotten his head around this whole "politics"
thing yet. First of all, Blunderberg gave the media copies
of his tax filings - in code. They weren't his actual tax
returns - in the spaces where income and other financial data
would normally be reported, his campaign team had insterted
code letters to represent the amounts of money. So
while Blunderberg has an estimated worth of around $5 billion,
his gross income for the last four years was rather cryptically
reported as "$500,000 or over." That's helpful!
Next, Blunderberg decided to get his hands on some polling
data by hiring researchers to conduct a "sidewalk survey."
Take the results with a pinch of salt though - the researchers
were handing $5 bills to anyone who took part in the survey.
W. Bush (again)
Last week: 4 Weeks
on chart: 20
- So, is he or isn't he? Last week, George W. Bush announced
that he was prepared to give amnesty to an estimated 3 million
illegal immigrants who are working in the United States. Whoops!
Now for the back-pedal. Soon after the announcement was made,
the White House declared that Bush was of course only considering
the idea. So what are we to make of this? Obviously it's nothing
more than a simple math problem. If you take away the number
of racist isolationist votes from the number of immigrant
votes, do you get a positive or negative number? Rest assured,
the answer will decide Bush's immigration policy.
Weeks on chart: 4
- Heads up, comedy fans! How's this for a sense
of humor: Bill O'Reilly was joking on The O'Reilly Factor
last week that he is entirely responsible for gas prices coming
down! Ha ha! Said the silly prankster himself, "I can't prove
it, but I believe the intense pressure The Factor and
other media outlets put on the oil and power companies caused
them to stop restricting supply. Two weeks ago, a speaking
engagement I had committed to was cancelled because Exxon
was one of the sponsors and those guys don't like me."
Hilarious! Man, this guy should do stand-up. What's that?
You mean he was being serious? Oh... my... God...
Weeks on chart: 1
- And finally, Rep. John Duncan (R-TN) turned
a few heads last week with a rather unusual comment, according
to the Sacramento Bee. Referring to environmentalists
who are opposed to drilling in the ANWR, Duncan said, "It
is amazing how they have distorted this issue almost worse
than Nazi propaganda." Later, falling victim to a little
short-term memory loss, Duncan said, "I didn't say or
imply that anyone was a Nazi." Oh I'm sorry, I thought
you implied that environmentalists are "almost worse"
than Nazis. Strange isn't it - protecting one of the last
great pristine wildlife areas in the country is now being
equated to one of the most horrible periods in human history.
Well, that's our conservative friends for you. See you next
a Conservative for Next Week's List