Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 26)
Fine Whine Edition
Ladies and gentlemen, here once again for your entertainment
and amusement, it's the one, the only, Top Ten Conservative
Idiots! Plenty of action this week as conservatives from across
America jockey for position on the board. Coming in at number
one is our old friend and favorite crybaby George W. Bush,
reclaiming the top slot after missing out completely last
week. In at number two is the fabulous North Dakota Chamber
of Commerce, soon to be... the Dakota Chamber of Commerce?
And returning to number three are the always unbiased Fox
News with a stirring homage to fairness and balance. Elsewhere,
J. D. Hayworth (6) makes the list for the second time in three
weeks (go J. D.!) and John Ashcroft (7) is doing his very
best to unforce America's gun laws. Of course, I mean "enforce."
My bad. So what are you waiting for? Read on!
W. Bush - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 19
- Poor George. Obviously being president isn't as much
fun as his daddy's friends told him it was going to
be. Last week, Consortium News reported
that "George W. Bush has begun telling his followers
that he is ready to 'go back to Crawford' if he doesn't
get his way on his conservative policies." Yep,
it would appear that when the going gets tough, the
tough start whining. Obviously this kind of behavior
puts George right up there with some of the country's
great presidents. Surely everyone remembers FDR's famous,
"The only thing we have to fear is running out of toilet
paper at Camp David." Or John F. Kennedy's, "Ask
not what your country can do for you, ask what you can
do to get out of speaking at the NAACP convention."
But perhaps the quote which George W. Bush should really
pay attention to is this one from Abraham Lincoln: "Nearly
all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test
a man's character, give him power." Now what time does
the next bus leave for Crawford?
Dakota Chamber of Commerce - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - When you think of endless,
windswept prairies and impassable snowdrifts, you think
of North Dakota. And when you think of sun-drenched
beaches and palm trees gently wafting in the breeze,
you think of... Dakota? Not exactly, but the North Dakota
Chamber of Commerce thinks that dropping "North"
will improve the state's image and encourage tourism.
Everyone else thinks it's a dumb idea. Can you picture
the scene? [Man, flipping through a brochure] "Hey
honey, here's a place I've never heard of before - Dakota!
Perhaps we should go there on vacation this year..."
[Upon arrival] "Wait a second, this is NORTH
Dakota! Dadburn it, we've been had!"
News - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 3
- Perennial idiots FOX News return this week as a fascinating
reveals that as far as FOX is concerned, "Fair
and Balanced" actually means "Conservative
White Male Republicans." Not that that's news to
most people, but the evidence is clear. Apparently of
the 56 partisan guests on Special Report with Brit
Hume between January and May, 50 were Republicans.
That's 89 percent. In addition, of the 92 total guests
on Special Report between January and May, 91
percent were male and 93 percent were white. Fair and
balanced - conservative style. Perhaps FOX News should
change their slogan from "We Report, You Decide,"
to, "Close Your Eyes, Put Your Hands Over Your
Ears, And Shout La La La La La!" Just a thought.
Argyros - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - Following in the footsteps
of Top Ten alumnus Elliot Abrams (see Idiots Week 25)
comes another lucky beneficiary of George W. Bush's
jobs program for scumbags. This time it's George Argyros,
a Newport Beach billionaire who is the administration's
pick for ambassador to Spain. Agryos owns nearly 5,000
apartments in Orange County, CA, which he rents to poor
and middle-class tenants, and a recent OC
Weekly investigation discovered some very interesting
information about his business practices. For example,
you might be particularly keen to know that he "rewarded
employees with bonuses for illegally withholding security
deposits, overcharging tenants for apartment repairs
and billing tenants for imaginary expenses," not
to mention "reprimanded employees when they did
not defraud tenants," and let's not forget how
he "angrily complained to top managers on at least
two occasions that they were not sufficiently padding
tenant charges." Sounds like a real gentleman.
But the burning question is: What are Argyros's qualifications
for an ambassadorial role? Duh! He raised $50 million
for Bush's presidential campaign, of course. The White
House apparently "reviewed the backgrounds of all
ambassadorial nominees and was satisfied." I bet
For Tax Reform - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1
- Okay, hands up who thought that George W. Bush could
deliver a $1.6 trillion tax cut AND not delve into Social
Security and Medicare funds like he promised? Anyone?
Anyone? Well obviously the 50 million Americans who
voted for him thought that he could - and now they must
be feeling a little silly. Current
opinion is that the budget surplus will be soon
be gone, and when it is - look out Medicare. So what's
the solution? Repeal the irresponsible tax cut? Well
according to the group "Americans For Tax Reform"
the answer is simple - MORE tax cuts! Yes, the group,
headed by Grover Norquist, began lobbying
for greater tax relief last week, complaining that Bush's
annihilation of America's carefully nurtured budget
surplus just doesn't go far enough, damnit. We must
have MORE deficits!
J. D. Hayworth - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 2
- The portly Arizona Congressman appeared on CNBC's
Geraldo last week, reported one of our readers.
Being the red-faced blowhard that he is, J. D. had no
problem launching into Geraldo for daring to suggest
that Dick Cheney's doctors were making light of his
health problems. Rep. Haystack went on to accuse a confused
Geraldo of having a "death wish" for Cheney.
Steady on there, J. D.! Perhaps you'd better stop worrying
about what Dick Cheney's doctors are saying to him,
and start worrying about what your doctors should be
saying to you. Eh, cheeseburger-boy?
Ashcroft - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 6 - We
already have over 10,000 gun laws on the books, what
we need is better enforcement of those laws!
And here's a fantastic
idea from Attorney General John Ashcroft which will
surely increase the FBI's ability to do just that -
cut the time that they can hold background check information
from 180 days to, um... one day. That's sure to help
the FBI catch fraudulent transactions and mistakes.
Yes folks, it's all part of the NRA's plan to make this
country a safer place. Isn't it good to see that all
the money they spent on GOP campaigns last year isn't
going to waste?
Associated Press - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1
- Thanks to our good friends at Buzzflash
for this one: On the face of it, the AP report on the
day Dick Cheney returned to work was pretty standard.
"After meeting with President Bush on Monday morning,
Cheney was fielding energy questions from reporters
in at least three radio interviews and sitting down
with staff members to discuss a range of policy issues,
said spokeswoman Juleanna Glover Weiss." But here's
the kicker: the AP report which appeared on WashingtonPost.com
was timed at 1:26am - a full six hours before
Cheney was due to show up at work. Buzzflash contacted
the Associated Press, only to be told that the Washington
Post must have gotten the time wrong. Funny that Yahoo
News and Newsday also managed to time the reports incorrectly
as well - coincidentally at 1:26am. So what are we to
make of this? Well, either a) the White House is just
inventing stories which the AP are then generously publishing
verbatim, or b) the Associated Press are in possession
of a plutonium-powered DeLorean which will travel through
time when it hits 88mph. Hmm... we'll keep you posted
on this one...
Cárdenas - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - Florida
Republican Party chairman Al Cárdenas was spreading
the love around last week, appearing in the Weekly
Standard to denounce the credibility of the African-American
leadership. "We need to call into question the
African-American leaders and what they're saying,''
Cárdenas announced. "If we don't do that, [voters
are] going to take the Democrats' and the African-American
leadership's word for it. The only way we break that
cycle is to call into question the credibility of those
who are parlaying that message." Yes, we wouldn't
want voters to think that African-Americans have any
credibility, now, would we? Black leaders were understandably
furious about the remarks. Frederica Wilson, chairwoman
of the Florida Conference of Black State Legislators,
said, "During the struggle for civil rights, it
was common for those who wanted to protect segregation
and deny minorities equal rights to attack black leaders
physically and through more personal attacks on their
credibility." So how is Cárdenas going about his
little plan to undermine the credibility of African-Americans?
Well, he got off to a good start last year by calling
a voter registration drive a "hate tour."
Incidentally, a spokesman for Cárdenas said that the
conservative Weekly Standard had "misquoted and
mischaracterized" him. Oh, yeah, right. What's
the matter, Al? Don't like having your credibility called
Roeser - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - And
finally, conservatives really can't take a joke
- and here's the proof. Writing in the Chicago Sun-Times
last week, Thomas Roeser bemoaned the fact that late-night
comics have the gall to make gags about the great and
wise George W. Bush, and blamed Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien
et al, for Bush's slipping poll ratings. However, a
quick look at his article
reveals that Mr. Roeser may not be living on the same
planet as the rest of us. He refers to Bush as a strong
leader, and "a man who speaks...plainly, without
the standard balderdash of the political trade."
Um, okay. Hey, remember when everyone complained that
the late-night comics were still making more jokes about
Bill Clinton than about George W. Bush, even during
the first few months of Bush's term? No? Oh. Ironically,
now the tables have turned, Roeser refers to the comics
as "irresponsible scandal-mongers specializing
in fiction," which, if you consider the antics
of the Grand Old Party (Arkansas Project anyone? Paging
David Brock!) is pretty funny all by itself. See you
a Conservative for Next Week's List