Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 24)
The Truth Isn't Out There Edition
Yes, it's time once again for your fabulous weekly dose of
conservative idiocy! Dick Cheney (1) cannons back onto the
chart with a lie so sickeningly blatant that even Ari Fleischer
(4) must have been reaching for the Pepto Bismol. The American
Taxpayers Association (3) aren't quite what they seem, George
W. Bush (5) is back with some more words of foreign policy
wisdom, and Gale Norton (8) is renting her office out to big
oil. Meanwhile, Trent Lott (9) starts tattle-tailing and Jesse
Helms (10) does the funky chicken with Bono, of all people...
Cheney - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 9
- Yet another top member of the Bush Administration
has been caught telling a huge whopper. Step forward
the oh-so-honorable Richard B. Cheney, ex-CEO of friendly
oil-folks Halliburton. On June 30, 2000, Dick appeared
on ABC's "This Week", and said, "I had a firm
policy that we wouldn't do anything in Iraq, even arrangements
that were supposedly legal. We've not done any business
in Iraq since U.N. sanctions were imposed on Iraq in
1990, and I had a standing policy that I wouldn't do
that." He changed his tune three weeks later when it
was revealed that two Halliburton subsidiary companies
had, in fact, been trading with Iraq since 1998. Appearing
again on "This Week", Cheney explained, "We
inherited two joint ventures with Ingersoll-Rand that
were selling some parts into Iraq, but we divested ourselves
of those interests." Oh, that's funny. We thought you
said you hadn't done any business with Iraq.
Still, if Halliburton divested the interests immediately
then that would put Dick in the clear, right? Whoops!
It was recently revelaed that the subsidiaries signed
nearly $30 million in contracts with Baghdad and traded
for over a year before Halliburton finally sold them
off. Don't blame Dick though; as Chairman and Chief
Executive Officer, he was, of course, "unaware"
that any of this was going on. You believe him, don't
Bereuter - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1
- First there was the news that the IRS would send a
letter praising George W. Bush to all taxpayers who
are receiving refunds. The cost: $30 million. But if
that isn't disgraceful enough by itself, the way in
which the decision was reached will make you lose your
lunch. Last week, Democrats tried to pass an amendment
to remove the cost of the mailing from the IRS budget,
and were joined by 11 Republicans to reach a majority
of 218. But as the official House floor clock reached
00:00, signifying the end of the vote, Doug Bereuter
(R-Neb), the congressman presiding over the vote, refused
to bring down the gavel. Upon receiving instructions
from the Republican leadership, Bereuter waited until
Tom DeLay had completed several rounds of the floor,
on a mission to persuade key Republicans to change their
votes. As onlooking Democrats cried "Shame!"
six Republicans changed their votes before Bereuter
gaveled the session closed. So by stopping the clock
and extending the vote, Republicans have now authorized
the IRS to spend $30 million sending what is essentially
a Bush campaign letter to taxpayers. This goes beyond
idiocy - it's a disgrace.
Taxpayers Alliance - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1
- The American Taxpayers Alliance started running a
TV ad in California last week attacking Governor Gray
Davis for failing to protect the public from rising
energy costs. The campaign-style ad doesn't promote
a rival candidate, but features fuzzy, unflattering
close-ups of Davis while assailing his record. So who
are the American Taxpayers Alliance? Surely they're
a group of concerned citizens who are worried about
spiralling energy prices in California, right? Um, wrong.
The "American Taxpayers Alliance" is actually
a front group for hundreds of corporations, including
Texas-based Reliant Energy. Reliant Energy are proud
to list James "rent-a-hatchet" Baker and Bush
fundraiser Steve Ledbetter on their board of directors.
So, Californians - energy companies are selling electricity
to you at vastly over-inflated prices, then spending
the profits on TV ads attacking your governor for failing
to stop them. How do you feel?
Fleischer - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 5 - Remember how on his first
day in office George W. Bush made all his staffers promise
that they must avoid even any appearance of impropriety
if they were to return honor and integrity to the White
House? Well, now we know that Karl Rove met with Intel
executives when he still held stock in the company,
George Bush appears to be taking a really tough line
on this appearance of impropriety. "My level of
confidence with Karl has never been higher," he
said last week. But it's the full-on, balls-out, blindingly
arrogant hypocrisy of Ari Fleischer which has earned
him a spot on this week's list. After Rep. Henry Waxman
asked for information on any meetings or discussions
between Rove and companies he held stocks in, Ari sighed,
"The American people are tired of these open-ended
investigations and fishing expeditions." Wh...
WHAT????!!!!! Oh, so NOW they're tired! That's funny,
they obviously weren't tired during the last eight years,
were they? No, even if the Republicans had to shove
it down their throats, the public had a right
to know about every single thing that Democrats may
or may not have done (White House vandalism anyone?),
because obviously the public needs to know how
dirty the Democrats are. Tired of investigations?
Ari would just love it if the American people
went to sleep for the next four years.
W. Bush - Last
Week: 1, 2, 3 and 4 Weeks on
chart: 18 - Remember the good old days when
we were all afraid of being blown to pieces by nuclear
bombs? Well they're back! And it's all thanks to the
great George W. Bush. Last week, George's new best friend
Vladimir Putin announced that if America abandoned the
ABM treaty and went ahead with the missile shield, why,
the Russians would simply upgrade their nuclear arsenal
with multiple-warhead ICBMs. Cheap and effective, these
missiles would easily be able to overwhelm any defense
shield we could put up. Of couse, these weapons were
previously banned by the ABM treaty - but as we all
know by now, that's just an old relic. After all, GW
told us last week that "the Cold War is over",
and surely a new arms race is an obvious indication
of that. It's okay though, because George has personally
looked into Putin's eyes, seen his soul, and found him
to be trustworthy. So nothing to worry about there.
What's that, you don't trust George? Why not?
He did tell you he's trustworthy didn't he? Then
that should be good enough for you. Now let us never
speak of this again.
D. Hayworth - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1
- Rep. Hayworth (R-AZ) is a man of high intellect. A
man of impeccable taste and good manners. A man with
a sophisticated sense of humor, and a quick wit to boot.
Last week, J. D. Heyworth sent out fundraising letters
which were accompanied by "Jim Jeffords Barf Bags,"
to be used when contemplating the Senator's "sickening...
disgusting... treachery." Hilarious! In the letter,
Hayworth notes that Ted Kennedy is now a committee chairman,
and writes, "I can sense you reaching for the bag!"
Ooh, stop. My sides are splitting. Well, at least it's
good to know that the adults are back in charge.
Scoggins Jr. - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - And speaking of high
comedy, step forward William Scoggins. Mr. Scoggins
(of North Carolina) was so upset by Jim Jeffords leaving
the GOP that he has started a boycott of Vermont products
by unleashing letters, e-mails and phone calls upon
unsuspecting Vermont-based companies. In a letter to
Gardener's Supply Co. in Burlington (no, we are NOT
making this up!) Scoggins wrote, "I hope you folks
will call this to your senator's attention. Maybe you
can call for a new election. I do not know. I do know
if this happened here in N.C. we would be looking for
a tall oak tree and some rope." Zoinks! The good news
is that a) William Scoggins appears to be a complete
nutcase, and b) after reading this, we bet that you'll
never hear of him ever again.
Norton - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 3 - It's full steam ahead
for the Interior Department. Gale Norton recently appointed
Camden Toohey as her special assistant on Alaska, and
he will help in "managing and protecting Alaska's
nearly 270 million acres of Interior Department land."
Oh yeah, we bet he will. What you may not know about
Camden Toohey is that in addition to his new role as
Gale Norton's special assistant, he also happens to
be executive director of the pro-oil development lobbying
Power. Not a bad place to run your pro-oil operations
from, is it, the office of the Secretary of the Interior?
You may also be interested to know that his appointment
was not subject to confirmation, so there's really not
a damn thing anyone can do about it.
Lott - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 6 - In a private meeting
last week, Trent Lott warned Speaker Dennis Hastert
and George W. Bush of the dangers of trusting Senate
Democrats, and in particular Tom Daschle, on spending
bills, according to Capitol Hill newsletter Roll Call.
So just to make sure we've got this straight: Vladimir
Putin, Russian president and ex-KGB chief, soon to be
mounting multiple warheads on the nukes which he's got
pointing at the U.S. = trustworthy. Tom Daschle, Senate
Majority Leader = untrustworthy. Perhaps the GOP should
move to Russia since they seem to like it so much over
Helms - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - And
finally, Senator Helms enjoyed his very first rock concert
last week, courtesy of U2 lead singer Bono. Apparently
a friendship was struck up last fall when Bono lobbied
Helms on international debt relief. Helms was invited
to U2's Washington, DC show and was fascinated
by what he saw. "It was filled to the gills, and people
were moving back and forth like corn in the breeze..."
he said. "They had that crowd going wild... When
Bono shook his hips, that crowd shook their hips." After
the show, Helms went backstage and reportedly hung out
with The Edge. Breaking news just in: next week we hear
that Senator Helms will be attending his first Limp
Bizkit show, where he is anticipating a fun evening
of crowd surfing, slam dancing, and possibly "boffing
some tarts" with Fred Durst. See you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List