Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 20)
Finger Pointing Edition
Pardon us for getting a little excited, but WOOHOO! George
W. Bush (1) has done some truly excellent bipartisan work
this week, flinging control of the Senate back to the Dems.
Speaking of flinging, Colin Powell (2) has been flinging money
at Afghanistan, and Dick Cheney (3) held a nice little fundraising
fling at his pad. Meanwhile Rush Limbaugh (5) has been sweating
himself senseless, Chris Matthews (7) blows a gasket, and
David Jaye (9) gets the boot.
W. Bush - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 16
- So how do ya feel now, George? Ha ha! In your face!
Obviously annoyed that we snubbed him on last week's
list, Dubya decided that he had to do something REALLY
dumb to reclaim his spot this week. So how about throwing
the Republican Senate majority down the pan? THAT'S
pretty dumb! Yes, we've all heard about Jim Jeffords,
the Republican Senator who last week became an Independent
and handed control of the Senate to the Dems. So who
was to blame? Well, the fingers have been pointing all
over the place, but in our view there's only one man
responsible for this - was it really the fact that Jeffords
wasn't invited to the White House that caused him to
switch? Or was it perhaps the fact that Herr Shrubmeister
has steered the ship of government so far to starboard
that the moderates are just naturally falling off the
side? Or perhaps Bush decided that since he is the master
of bipartisanship, he'd just be generous and hand the
Senate over to the Democrats. Well thanks George! You
truly are a uniter, not a divider. Just keep on uniting
those moderates in our direction!
Powell - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1
- The Taliban are possibly the world's most extremist
government - they abuse their women, destroy their ancient
monuments, provide a safe haven for terrorists, and
last week they announced that Afghanistan's non-Muslims
would be forced to wear markings denoting their religious-minority
status (not unlike the Jews under Hitler). Apparently
the Bush administration likes the Taliban's style. In
a story quietly reported by the L.A. Times last week,
Colin Powell announced that we (that is, you and I,
the U.S. taxpayers) would be providing Afghanistan with
a gift of $43 million dollars to help them fight their
war against drugs. It looks like fanatics of a feather
flock together. Of course, that money will definitely
be used to replace those pesky poppy fields, and
the Taliban will absolutely not be using it
to buy Stingers, AK-47s, plastic explosives (handy for
blowing up monuments and embassies) or in fact giving
any of it to Osama Bin Laden. No sir.
Cheney - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 8 - In a desperate attempt
to restore honor and integrity to the White House, the
Vice President has decided that there will be absolutely
NO fundraisers at the Vice President's mansion. Hell
no. No fundraisers. But how about thank you parties
for people who've previously made contributions
to Bush/Cheney? Ain't nothing wrong with that! This
is how it works. You give Bush/Cheney $100,000 or more.
Then, from out of the blue, you get an invite to supper
with the vice-prez. Wow, that was unexpected! In fact,
it was such a pleasant surprise that you might even
give them more money next time, just on the off-chance
that you get invited back. Not that you definitely will.
Because there's no quid pro quo here. They're restoring
honor and integrity, remember?
Lott - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 3 - Senate Minority Leader
Trent Lott... wait a second, let me just say that again.
Senate... Minority... Leader. God, that feels good.
Anyway, Senate Minority Leader Trent Lott broke all
previous hypocrisy records last week by defending Dick
Cheney's use of the Vice President's house for the aforementioned
non-fundraiser. Remember the whole Lincoln Bedroom fiasco?
Remember the White House coffees? Remember the Buddhist
temple? Well it seems that the only real problem
that the Republicans had with those events was that
fact that they were being held by Democrats. Because
when Trent was asked what he thought about the veep's
misuse of government property, he could only come up
with, "I'm sure it's being done in an appropriate way,
or Dick Cheney wouldn't do it." Of course
he wouldn't do it. He's a Republican. They're
restoring honor and integrity to the White House,
remember? AAAARGH. Oh wait, hang on for a moment. Senate...
Minority... Leader... Senate... Minority... Leader.
Ohhhh, baby. Ain't nothin' sweeter than revenge.
Limbaugh - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 6 - With all the table-thumping
he's been doing, Rush must have sweated his way down
to about 350 pounds by now. But all that working out
has caused the normally predictable Limbaugh to start
acting in a most unusual way. For example, last week
Mount Rush'mo was actually heard suggesting that George
W. Bush may be an illegitimate president! Don't believe
us? Rush announced that since the liberals keep suggesting
that national election results were overturned by the
Supreme Court, by the same argument national election
results were overturned by Jim Jeffords. The majority
voted for a Republican Senate, see? Despite the obviously
massive flaws in this argument, Mr. Logic seems to have
backed himself into a bit of a corner: according to
him, either Dubya and the Senate are BOTH illegitimate,
of them are. So which is it, fatboy? Our suggestion:
You lost! Get over it!
New York Post - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1
- We were under the assumption that, like Fox News,
the New York Post at least pretended (although
not very well) to be impartial. That theory was blown
out of the water last week when the Post decided to
put Jim Jeffords on their front page - dressed in colonial
garb, with the screaming headline "BENEDICT JEFFORDS!"
Our suggestion: You lost! Get over it!
Matthews - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 2 - Mr. Shouty had some serious
shouting to do last week when Jim Jeffords dumped the
Republican party. "When Phil Gramm felt he was
being pushed around by the Democrats and quit the party,
he quit the Congress, went home to the people of Texas
that elected him and gave them the decision if they
wanted to reelect him as a Republican," spluttered
the blonde bombaster. "He decently gave it back
to the voters. This character [Jeffords] says I'm just
going to change party label. All you Republicans that
voted for me tough stuff. I'm now going to be the independent
Democrat voting senator from Vermont and you're fools
to have voted for me." Convenient that Chris Matthews
decided to use an 18 year old example of party-switching
and not mention the more recent Democratic defectors
Richard Shelby and Ben Nighthorse Campbell, who went
Republican in 1995 without giving up their seats. Guess
it's easier to sweep some things under the carpet than
to shout them from the rooftops. Hardball, my ass!
Pataki - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - Well, well, well. When
George Pataki ran against Mario Cuomo for New York Governor,
he blasted Cuomo for using public money to swan around
the state in a private jet. But what's this? It would
appear that Governor Pataki took 34 flights between
March 1999 and November 2000, to the tune of $136,636.
Not only that, but Pataki decided that rather than use
state aircraft he would take luxury charter jets, and
managed to get a temporary waiver so that he could spend
more than the state-allowed limit on these flights.
We think that Mario's son Andrew said it best last week:
"Maybe we've become accustomed to people who run for
office, saying one thing and doing another. But with
Pataki, hypocrisy has reached unparalleled heights."
Jaye - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 2 - For the first time in
its history, the Michigan State Senate expelled one
of its members last week. David Jaye, staff-abuser and
wife-beater (see Idiots Week 14), was forced out of
the Senate on a 33-2 vote. Jaye insisted that he was
being railroaded for his political views. "I've
upset the political bosses and the special interests,''
he claimed. However, his tendency to occasionally drive
drunk and punch women may have had something to do with
it. At a hearing to determine the fate of Jaye, one
of his constituents suggested that "Jaye should
be expelled; but if he truly believes in saving the
taxpayers’ money, he should resign." Of course,
Jaye obviously didn't believe in saving taxpayers
money - they had to give him the boot.
Dean - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - And
finally, it seems that the "Jaye Method" is
becoming popular among conservative leaders all across
the country. Doug Dean, the Colorado House Speaker got
into some hot water after breaking into his ex-girlfriend's
house with a screwdriver. Last week police released
911 tapes which feature the ex-girlfriend, Gloria Sanak,
shouting at the dispatcher and gasping for breath. Dean
claims that he went to the house to pick up some clothes
Sanak left outside for him but discovered she had not
included his cell phone charger. Obviously thinking
to himself "WWJD" (What Would Jaye Do) he
decided to bust out the screwdriver (that he just happened
to have on his person) and commit un petit home
invasion. And what does Bob Beauprez, state Republican
chairman, have to say about all this breaking-and-entering
nonsense? Laughably: "He made a mistake and says he
made a mistake. Does it rise to the occasion of being
unfit to serve? No." See you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List