Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 19)
Those who give us our daily dose of news have really hit
the ball out of the park this week - the Media hogs the number
one spot for ignoring the truth behind the White House vandalism
lies. But some media folks have really gone the extra mile
to get their own place on the chart this week. The Wall Street
Journal (3) report that the Bush administration is taking
a tough stance on youthful indiscretions, the Voter News Service
(4) in its cowardice fails to report the real reason
that the networks got it wrong, and Robert Novak (5) gets
in a tizzy about his precious car. Meanwhile, Karen Hughes
(8) spins a tale about campaign contributors, and USA Today
(9) sucks up to Religious George.
Media - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 3
- "WHITE HOUSE OFFICES LEFT 'TRASHED': PORN BOMBS,
LEWD MESSAGES; LEGAL PROBE CONSIDERED" screamed
the Drudge Report headline on January 24th, 2001, and
a media-driven propaganda campaign was born. While Bush's
Goebbels Brigade (Rove and Fleischer) refused to confirm
or deny rumors that former Clinton staffers had trashed
White House offices, media whores from Rush Limbaugh
to Chris Matthews went into overdrive, devoting hours
of airtime to the story. And the rumors weren't just
relegated to the third-rate spinmeisters - all the major
TV networks ran the story too. Then Bob Barr got in
on the action, demanding that the General Services Administration
conduct a full investigation into the matter. But last
week the GSA released
their report, which concluded that the rumors of
vandalism were completely and utterly false. So where
were the red faces, the apologies, and the retractions?
Good luck if you found one. Most newspapers (if they
even covered the story at all) shunted it to the back
pages, and we have yet to hear Limbaugh or Matthews
- or indeed any of the other folks who breathlessly
parroted Rove's quietly-leaked rumors - offer a full
and frank apology for the unfounded smearing of Bill
Clinton. But we're sure the story will live on - after
all, Rove and Fleischer are well versed in the theory
that people will believe a lie if you repeat it loudly
and often enough. And in the era of George W. "Change
the Tone" Bush, that seems to be the media's modus
Olson - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 2 - Back during the impeachment
of President Clinton, Republicans liked to say, "It's
not about the sex, it's about the lying." Funny how
none of them seems to care now that Ted Olson, Bush's
nominee for Solicitor General, has spent the last two
weeks lying to the collective face of the Senate Judiciary
Committee - while under oath. Last week, however, the
wall of conservative hypocrisy began to crack as none
other than David Brock, Olson's old colleague at the
American Spectator, stated unequivocally that Olson
lied. "There's no question that he did not tell the
truth before the committee," said Brock. "In one of
the amended answers that Mr. Olson submitted to the
committee, he stated that he had not given advice concerning
the conduct of the [Arkansas Project]. That's false.
He gave me advice concerning the conduct of the project
on more than one occasion." But don't expect this bombshell
to make any difference. Because it's not about the lying;
it's about the politics.
Wall Street Journal - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1
Last week the Journal boldly editorialized that the
message of the Bush administration is that "it will
not buy into the idea that drugs are somehow innocent
fun, or wink at use as some youthful right of passage."
It's all a little odd really. Remember back in the campaign
when Bush dodged questions about allegations of cocaine
use? Obviously not wishing to buy into the idea that
drug use is some youthful right of passage, one of Bush's
answers was, "When I was young and irresponsible,
I was young and irresponsible." Double standard? Nah,
of course not. This is George W. Bush we're talking
about here. Anyway, The Wall Street Journal obviously
feels it's okay for Bush to make himself an exception.
Remember, he doesn't want anyone to know about his wild
past because he's just trying to prevent his daughters
from making the same mistakes. Which is obviously working
out really well so far.
News Service - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1
At a pollsters meeting in Montreal, the editorial director
of Voter News Service (VNS) indicated that VNS is undertaking
a massive review of its practices after what they now
call "faulty exit projections" in Florida last year.
Based on its exit polling, VNS had projected that Gore
would win the state. Among their explanations: they
didn't anticipate the Bush margin among absentee voters;
they need a better model for dealing with votes outstanding;
and they did not provide analysts with the "history
of what's been going on through the night in close states
and counties" (whatever that means). Apparently all
of the browbeating VNS has received from James Baker,
Billy Tauzin, and other GOP thugs has taken its toll,
because they chose to gloss over the most obvious explanation:
The exit polls were right.
Novak - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 2 - Blustering Bob is truly
a typical conservative idiot. While interviewing Rep.
Robert Wexler of Florida on CNN last week, he refused
to admit the truth about drilling in ANWR, and ended
up resorting to childish me-first scare tactics. "You
may ridicule wildlife," said Wexler, "but
some of us believe it's very important. It's the last
pristine spot in the country, and the return that you
are going to get isn't going to be worth the environmental
danger." But hang on, said the Prince of Dumbness, "What
about the 600,000 barrels a day?" "We could get
far more with conservation," continued Wexler,
"we could get far more by drilling for oil where
we're already drilling." Faced with losing his
scientific credibility, Bob hit back the only way he
knows how - with stupidity. "You just want, you and
all the greenies, just want me to get out of my Corvette."
Awww, is poor Bobby worried that the nasty liberals
are going to take away his vroom vroom? Sounds like
he's been listening to a little too much Rush Limbaugh.
Nolan - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - As a State Assemblyman,
Dennis Nolan may be a smart-cookie when it comes to
Nevada politics, but he needs to do a bit of work on
his basic computer skills. Last week he made the foolish
mistake of opening a dubious e-mail attachment - which
promptly sent porn pictures to everyone in his address
book, including conservative colleagues in the State
Legislature. The blunder ended up shutting down the
Legislature's e-mail server for two days, although we
hear that when it was fixed Nolan did find several "thank
you" notes in his inbox.
House of Representatives - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - Conservatives are going
nuts trying to repeal Vermont's civil union law - and
when we say nuts, we mean totally and utterly crazy.
The latest right-wing nonsense in the fight against
equal rights involves a pair of amendments quietly announced
in the Vermont House last week which would declare gay
and lesbian relationships a "health hazard." Hazardous
to conservatives' mental health, maybe. Hell, we can't
allow those stinkin' homosexuals to spread their diseases
to the common folk by allowing them to... gulp... formally
commit to serious and stable monogamous relationships
with their life partners, can we? Yikes! To his undying
credit, Governor Howard Dean declared that the amendments
"made me ashamed of the Legislature. It was one
of the few times in this building I have been ashamed...
Years from now when people read that legislation it's
going to look like it would for us to go back to the
1830s in the south and read about slave owners."
Hughes - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - No Lincoln Bedroom shenanigans
here! Ms. Hughes was grinning like the Cheshire Cat
last week as USA Today reported that the White House
overnight list was free from big campaign contributors.
Bush is "keeping his promise," she gushed.
Yes, we're certainly glad that Bush is returning honor
and integrity to the White House by keeping his contributors
out of the Lincoln Bedroom. Thank goodness that he is
content to merely give them a huge tax cut, or let them
swan around on nuclear submarines, or hand them cushy
ambassadorships, or make sure that we have to spend
our tax refunds on their overpriced fuel, or allow them
to despoil conservation areas for their profit. Anything
really. Just as long as they're not in that Lincoln
Today - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - Last week, America's
most brightly colored newspaper published a fawning
article describing how religion "infuses"
George W. Bush's daily life. Apparently he starts every
day on his knees (the less said about that, the better),
reads the Bible each morning, studies a daily Bible
lesson, and frequently prays in the Oval Office. But
we just can't help wondering what Bush's favorite political
philosopher, Jesus Christ, would have to say about the
152 people Bush executed while he was Governor of Texas.
Maybe it would be something like, "Don't worry
had it coming." Or, "Go ahead, fry the bastards."
Or possibly, "I don't mind the slayin' if you keep
Weeks on chart: 1 - And
finally, the North Carolina GOP Chairman firmly grasped
the wrong end of the stick last week by attacking John
Edwards on tax cuts. Cobey has been attempting to cast
his party as the REAL champions of the working class,
and moaned about Edwards' vote against George W. Bush's
budget plan: "Millionaires like John Edwards may not
need a tax cut... the hard-working people of North Carolina
not only need one, but they deserve one." So let's
just get this straight - Edwards votes against
giving himself a massive tax break so that the working
class can get a bigger refund, and Bill Cobey thinks
this is bad why? We'll leave you to ponder this
bizarre insight into the conservative mentality, and
we'll see you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List