The Top Ten Conservative
Idiots (Week 12)
2 , 2001
Lower Expectations Than Usual Edition
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Once again, George W. Bush finds himself at the top of the list, this
time for his thoroughly laughable (and last ever) press conference. Meanwhile,
Christie Whitman (3) is appearing on the list for an impressive third-straight
week, pulling off the elusive "Conservative Idiot Hat Trick."
Tom Delay (4) tries to hammer a nail into the campaign finance reform
coffin. And John Ashcroft (7) appears to be bearing false witness.
W. Bush - Picking
this week's winner was a tough decision... aw, what am I saying?
Anyone who saw GW's press conference last week should know exactly
why he's at the top of the heap. Faced with slightly more difficult
questions than usual from the previously-fawning press corps, George
gently dissolved into a wobbling heap of embarassing stumbles and
non-jokes which provoked nervous laughter from those present. The
experience was not unlike watching a pack of toothless, three-legged
wolves chasing an inebriated sheep. But lest we forget the "low
expectations" game that the Bush administration has been playing,
here are a few of the more important things Mr. Bush attempted to
cover up with his thin layer of inanity last week: he suspended
a rule which would have strengthened the government's ability to
deny contracts to companies that have violated federal laws, he
opposed Senator Lieberman's plan for immediate tax relief, he restricted
the distribution of RU-486 to low-income women, he refused to aid
the Middle East peace process, he pulled out of the Kyoto global
warming treaty, he announced a "National Baseball Initiative",
he decided that the latest reason for his tax cut is to "help
children", he pissed off the Europeans, he pissed off the Japanese,
he pissed off the Arabs, he pissed off the Russians, and, by God,
he pissed me right off.
Fleischer - On
the heels of Bush's disasterous performance last week, Ari announced
that there would be no more formal press conferences. Apparently
he's fed up with spinning the unbelieveable brain-rot that dribbles
from his boss's flapping maw. But not to worry. The formal
press conferences will be replaced with more touchy-feely "informal"
press availabilities. We here at Democratic Underground imagine
something along the lines of sixties-style "love-ins,"
whereby all the reporters hang out in a room at the Willard Intercontinental
Hotel and chill with Dubya, toke Moroccan hash from exquisitely
crafted bongs, drop CIA-strength acid, and mellow out to the sounds
of Karl Rove's groovy sitar playing. New White House motto: "The
buck stops over there somewhere, dude."
Todd Whitman - Protecting
the environment with extreme prejudice! "I would strongly recommend
that you continue to recognize that global warming is a real and
serious issue," said our environmental hero in a March 6th memo
to George W. Bush, as reported in last week's Washington Post. Whitman's
forceful words obviously had an effect on Bush, who proceeded to
immediately renege on his campaign promise to reduce carbon dioxide
levels and then pull out of the Kyoto Global Warming Treaty. Chairman
of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee Robert C. Smith
said last week, "I have the utmost confidence in her and I don't
think she has lost one bit of effectiveness." Effectiveness
as a brown-nosing doormat and handy scapegoat, that is.
DeLay - With the McCain-Feingold bill cruising toward Senate
approval, there appears to be a real chance that campaign finance
reform will be signed into law. Unfortunately, it's got to get throught
the House of Representatives, where Majority Whip Tom "The
Hammer" DeLay has promised to fight it tooth-and-nail. God
forbid that Members of Congress might lose their incentive to slavishly
follow the dictates of their big-business bagmen who have been gorging
themselves at the federal government's corporate-welfare trough.
They might actually have to listen to The American People. But
wait. In The Hammer's Bizarro-World, he thinks he's actually protecting
us: "I'll work as hard as I can to beat this," the Hammer said.
"What they are doing is they are destroying our freedom."
That's right Tom. They're destroying the freedom of corporate whores
like you to sell your votes to the highest bidder.
Giuliani - You know how Rudy's got his panties in a twist about
decency? And how he doesn't think that some of the artworks
displayed in New York museums are decent? Well in his never-ending
quest to save the museum-going public from accidentally stumbling
upon a piece of art that doesn't meet his approval, Rudy has decided
to name a Decency Panel to investigate how public funds are spent
on art. Readers may be interested to know that one of the members
of the Decency Panel is Raoul Felder, who is also the mayor's divorce
lawyer. Another is Peter Max, who in 1998 spent two months in prison
for swindling the IRS out of $714,000 in unpaid taxes. And if that
ain't decent, we don't know what is.
Schundler - Unless
you live in New Jersey, you may have never heard of Bret Schundler.
Mr. Schundler is the mayor of Jersey City, and also the founder
of the New Jersey Scholarship Fund, a program which helps needy
families send children to private or parochial schools. And there's
absolutely nothing wrong with that. However, it was revealed last
week that Schundler spent $800,000 from the Scholarship Fund last
December on TV ads that gave him wide exposure - coincidentally
just one month before announcing his candidacy for governor of New
Jersey. Strange then that Schundler spent a slightly less impressive
$150,000 on actual scholarships throughout all of last year. So,
scholarship fund for underprivileged children, or private slush
fund for a rotten politician? You be the judge.
Ashcroft - Ashcroft
was in the public eye last week showing off some of the new minor
tweaks he has in mind for the American legal system. It seems that
the pesky concept of "innocent until proven guilty" will
be the one of the first items on the Attorney General's agenda.
Of former President Clinton's pardons, Ashcroft said, "while
the Constitution affords the president broad authority to grant
pardons, there are limits... We all know that the president's authority
is a very broad authority, but I don't think anybody argues that
the authority of the president, though, is to sell pardons." But
just in case you might have inferred something from his statement,
Ashcroft was quick to add that he was not suggesting that he
believes Clinton did that. Of course not, John. And I bet none
of your Republican colleagues believe that either, even though they
spent the last two months implying it. They just can't resist
an opportunity to spend millions of taxpayer dollars on politically-motivated
anti-Clinton witch hunts.
Bloomberg - Media
mogul Michael Bloomberg, who is planning to run for mayor of New
York, has been in a little hot water recently over a three year
old sexual discrimination lawsuit brought against him by female
employees. But it's okay, because, sensing that the allegations
may prove troublesome to his candidacy, Mr. Bloomberg decided to
clear himself of any wrongdoing by giving himself a lie detector
test. In a statement last week, Paul Minor, the man who performed
the test for Bloomberg, said, "The questions during the examination
were formulated solely by me. I concluded that all of Mr. Bloomberg's
responses were truthful." Accompanying Minor's statement was an
eight-page resume. But what about the results of the test? Sadly,
Bloomberg has refused to release them - so you'll just have to take
his word for it.
- The president of the ultra-conservative think-tank "Free
Congress Foundation", and a founder of the Heritage Foundation,
Paul Weyrich came out and admitted last week that George W. Bush's
campaign was, from begining to end, a sham. As Bush assembles one
of the most conservative governments of modern times after his centrist
campaign, Weyrich was gleeful. "This administration is shaping up
to be the best... When Reagan ran for office, even when Nixon ran,
it was the campaign that was lovey-dovey. Then, when they got in,
they didn't know who you are. Here, the Bush campaign didn't pay
any attention to us, but as soon as they got in, they started taking
notice. This is something that I've never experienced before." Perhaps
that's because it's usually considered the honorable thing to actually
do what you said you were going to do when you become
J. Lauzen - And bringing up the rear this week is Illinois State
Senator Christopher Lauzen, who last week failed in his bid to have
his name legally changed to "Christopher J. Lauzen CPA".
During the 1998 campaign for Illinois Comptroller, Lauzen was miffed
that his opponent ran ads claiming that he was not a licensed CPA,
and hoped that the name change would clear up confusion over his
professional credentials. Sadly Judge Patrick Dixon ruled against
the request, saying that only the Illinois Board of Examination
can award the CPA designation. In a related story, we hear that
an undeterred George W. Bush is also considering clearing up confusion
over his legitimacy by legally changing his name to "President
George W. Bush". See you next week!
Other popular nominees this week: Dick Cheney, Tim Russert, Bill
O'Reilly (again), Robert Novak, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Barr. Dropping off
the list: Lisa Riddle & Brigham McCown (1), Larry Farrell (3),
Noelia Rodriguez (5), Robert Novak (6), Ben Stein (7), Bob Barr (8), Sons
of the Confederate Veterans (9), U.S. Geological Survey (10).
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