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The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 11)
March 26, 2001
Oscar Special

Top 10 Conservative Idiots

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Yes, it's Oscar time again. So we decided to do our very own tribute to this week's champions of conservative idiocy. Behold the latest and greatest superstars of the right-wing persuasion!

THIS WEEK   LAST WEEK TOTAL WEEKS
1

BEST HYPOCRISY INVOLVING THE THEFT OF AN ELECTION:
The Oscar goes to: Lisa Riddle and Brigham McCown - The last time they showed up at the Palm Beach County Election Office, political consultant Riddle and attorney McCown were furiously arguing that dimpled chads would not, could not, and should not ever count as votes. That was, of course, when it looked like George W. Bush might fail in his bid to cheat his way into the White House. But what's this? It looks like Riddle and McCown have finally seen the light! They appeared at the Election Office again last week to argue on behalf of Boca Raton council candidate Susan Saxton, who finished two votes behind incumbent Dave Freudenberg after Tuesday's election and Wednesday's machine recount. Of course dimpled ballots should count as votes, they argued, it's clear evidence of a voter's intent! When asked about this blatant inconsistency, McClown said, "there's no inconsistency". Hello?

NEW! 1
2

BEST UNSUPPORTED ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE:
The Oscar goes to: Christie Todd Whitman - When Bush chose Whitman to head EPA, we thought we had a true environmental advocate for the post. Too bad she's got no spine. At the behest of the White House and their fat-cat corporate-polluter campaign contributors, Whitman's EPA decided to rescind new rules curbing the level of arsenic in our drinking water. That's right: Arsenic in our drinking water. It has taken Whitman less than two months to abandon all of her principles and become the environmental doormat of the administration. Now correct us if we're wrong, but isn't she supposed to be protecting the environment, as in Environmental Protection Agency? I mean, that is what it says on the door of her office, right?

7 2
3

BEST VICIOUS PERSONAL ATTACK ON A WAR HERO:
The Oscar goes to: Larry Farrell - We love it when the GOP starts eating their own. With John McCain pushing for campaign finance reform, we aren't surprised that the lunatic fringe of the Republican party (their base) is out for blood. After all, the red-meat conservatives all supported Bush during the primaries. But even we were shocked to read this downright wacky attack against McCain: According to Larry Farrell, board member of the Gun Owners of New Jersey, He's "the Manchurian Candidate come to life," adding that McCain had "collaborated with the enemy" while in Vietnam. And when, exactly, did McCain do that? Farrell helpfully explains that McCain signed a confession after being tortured in a POW camp. Hmm... So let me get this straight: McCain spent more than a year in a tiger cage, then signed a stupid piece of paper so they'd stop jamming bamboo razor blades under his fingernails, and that's "collaborating with the enemy." So what do you call it when George W. Bush went AWOL from the Texas National Guard (which he joined in order to dodge the Vietnam draft)? How about "honor and integrity"!

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4

BEST ATTEMPT TO LEAVE CHILDREN BEHIND:
The Oscar goes to: George W. Bush - During the campaign, George W. Bush liked to say that he would "Leave no child behind." Funny. Last week he started shedding children left and right by announcing that he was cutting spending on child care and support for abused children by $200 million, in order to pay for his tax cut for the rich. Presumably people are now expected to use their tax refund to pay for child care - after all, it's their money, right? Oh, wait a second. The poor schmucks who actually need government support for child care aren't getting a tax cut, even though they pay federal payroll tax.

1 9
5

BEST DUBIOUS DODGE OF AN ALLEGATION:
The Oscar goes to: Noelia Rodriguez - Chip-off-the-old-block Jenna Bush is in the news again, this time for allegedly smoking a little dope in college. Far be it for us to criticize a college kid for experimenting with drugs. It's those tough-on-crime anti-drug hypocrites that really piss us off. You'd think hard liners in the new administration (everyone) would want to see Jenna in the pokey. HA! According to White House aide Noelia Rodriguez, "Our position on the daughters is that they're private citizens." Cool! Hey everyone, the law doesn't investigate allegations of drug use if you're a private citizen! Tell that to the thousands of black adolescents in the Texas prison system.

NEW! 1
6

BEST ACCIDENTAL ADMISSION OF G.W. BUSH'S LOW BRAINCELL COUNT
The Oscar goes to: Robert Novak - Blustering Bob blew a fuse last week with his desperate defense of George W. Bush's broken campaign promise. In a Washington Post opinion piece, Novak claimed that it was actually all Christie Whitman's fault for hearing a line in one of Bush's campaign speeches about how he was going to reduce carbon dioxide emissions, and running with it. Apparently the line had been inserted by mistake, you see, and George didn't really mean it. Duh! Fancy not knowing that, Christie! But the funny thing is, doesn't Bumbling Bob realize that he wrote an entire opinion piece about how GW has no idea what his policies are and just reads whatever is put in front of him? Whoops!

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7

BEST PARTISANSHIP IN A COMEDY SETTING:
The Oscar goes to: Ben Stein - It's official: Ben Stein isn't funny. The so-called comedian admitted it himself last week, saying that he's "at a loss for jokes" since Bush became president. Even though he's headlining the Radio and TV Correspondents Association's "Salute to Congress" dinner this week, Ben will be playing it straight. Stein said that Bush "doesn't do much that's controversial. It's hard to think of a joke about a tax cut... It's like jokes about cancer. They're hard to find." We think that Ben is misunderestimating himself, personally. What about when GW danced with Ricky Martin? Hispanically speaking, that's one of the funniest things we ever saw. Or how about a good cocaine joke? Or maybe DWI? Still, you can't expect poor Ben to have to come up with jokes, can you. It's not like it's his JOB or anything.

NEW! 1
8

BEST DISPLAY OF PEDANTIC REAGAN BROWN-NOSING:
The Oscar goes to: Bob Barr - Bob thinks that it's frankly disgusting that Washington's Metro system hasn't renamed its station at Ronald Reagan National Airport yet. The station is listed on all Metro signs and maps as simply "National Airport", which we, and presumably all the air traffic controllers who got fired by the Gipper, think has a much nicer ring to it. Anyway, despite the fact that it would cost $400,000 to make the required changes, the honorable Mr. Barr is threatening to withhold Metro funding if they don't hurry up and get on with it. What an excellent use of congressional taxpayer-funded time and resources. Although we hear that Metro ARE considering changing "Woodley Park-Zoo/Adams Morgan" to "Woodley Park-Zoo/Adams Morgan/Bob Barr Is A Horse's Ass".

RETURN! 2
9

BEST FAILURE TO DISGUISE RACIST TENDENCIES:
The Oscar goes to: Sons of the Confederate Veterans - This year, instead of proclaiming the usual Confederate History Month, Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore proclaimed that April would be "in remembrance of the sacrifices and honor of all Virginians who served in the Civil War." But the Sons of the Confederate Veterans didn't like that at all. Oh no. Not one little bit. According to them, Gilmore's effort to include "all Virginians" in the celebration "creates big divisions among people and really satisfies no one except the NAACP." Those pesky black people, always creating divisions!

NEW! 1
10

BEST INDICATION THAT BIG OIL IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN BABY CARIBOU:
The Oscar goes to: The U.S. Geological Survey - Last week we learned that federal worker Ian Thomas was fired from his job at the U.S. Geological Survey for the brutal crime of posting a map of the caribou calving areas in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge on a U.S. government website. Despite the lack of any kind of prior warning, the reason for Thomas's dismissal was given as "[Thomas] didn't follow standard review procedures before posting research information to the web." Clearly Thomas must have been fired for his failure to understand policy and lack of experience. After all, by his own estimation he'd only posted around 20,000 maps on the same site over the course of his three year employment.

NEW! 1
 
« Week 10 All Weeks Week 12 » 

Other popular nominees this week: Bill O'Reilly, Spence Abraham, Mitch McConnell, Tom DeLay. Dropping off the list: The National Association of Manufacturers (3), Phil Gramm (4), Paul O'Neill (5), Chris Carman (6), Ralph Nader (8), Peter Jennings (9), Bill O'Reilly (10).

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