The Top Ten Conservative
Idiots (Week 11)
a friend about the Top Ten Conservative Idiots
Yes, it's Oscar time again. So we decided to do our very own tribute
to this week's champions of conservative idiocy. Behold the latest and
greatest superstars of the right-wing persuasion!
HYPOCRISY INVOLVING THE THEFT OF AN ELECTION:
Oscar goes to: Lisa Riddle and Brigham McCown - The last
time they showed up at the Palm Beach County Election Office, political
consultant Riddle and attorney McCown were furiously arguing that
dimpled chads would not, could not, and should not ever count as
votes. That was, of course, when it looked like George W. Bush might
fail in his bid to cheat his way into the White House. But what's
this? It looks like Riddle and McCown have finally seen the light!
They appeared at the Election Office again last week to argue on
behalf of Boca Raton council candidate Susan Saxton, who finished
two votes behind incumbent Dave Freudenberg after Tuesday's election
and Wednesday's machine recount. Of course dimpled ballots should
count as votes, they argued, it's clear evidence of a voter's intent!
When asked about this blatant inconsistency, McClown said, "there's
no inconsistency". Hello?
UNSUPPORTED ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE:
Oscar goes to: Christie Todd Whitman - When Bush chose Whitman
to head EPA, we thought we had a true environmental advocate for
the post. Too bad she's got no spine. At the behest of the White
House and their fat-cat corporate-polluter campaign contributors,
Whitman's EPA decided to rescind new rules curbing the level of
arsenic in our drinking water. That's right: Arsenic in our drinking
water. It has taken Whitman less than two months to abandon
all of her principles and become the environmental doormat of the
administration. Now correct us if we're wrong, but isn't she supposed
to be protecting the environment, as in Environmental Protection
Agency? I mean, that is what it says on the door of her office,
VICIOUS PERSONAL ATTACK ON A WAR HERO:
Oscar goes to: Larry Farrell - We love it when the GOP starts
eating their own. With John McCain pushing for campaign finance
reform, we aren't surprised that the lunatic fringe of the Republican
party (their base) is out for blood. After all, the red-meat conservatives
all supported Bush during the primaries. But even we were shocked
to read this downright wacky attack against McCain: According to
Larry Farrell, board member of the Gun Owners of New Jersey, He's
"the Manchurian Candidate come to life," adding that McCain
had "collaborated with the enemy" while in Vietnam. And
when, exactly, did McCain do that? Farrell helpfully explains that
McCain signed a confession after being tortured in a POW camp.
Hmm... So let me get this straight: McCain spent more than a year
in a tiger cage, then signed a stupid piece of paper so they'd stop
jamming bamboo razor blades under his fingernails, and that's "collaborating
with the enemy." So what do you call it when George W. Bush
went AWOL from the Texas National Guard (which he joined in order
to dodge the Vietnam draft)? How about "honor and integrity"!
ATTEMPT TO LEAVE CHILDREN BEHIND:
Oscar goes to: George W. Bush - During the campaign, George
W. Bush liked to say that he would "Leave no child behind."
Funny. Last week he started shedding children left and right by
announcing that he was cutting spending on child care and support
for abused children by $200 million, in order to pay for his tax
cut for the rich. Presumably people are now expected to use their
tax refund to pay for child care - after all, it's their money,
right? Oh, wait a second. The poor schmucks who actually need
government support for child care aren't getting a tax cut, even
though they pay federal payroll tax.
DUBIOUS DODGE OF AN ALLEGATION:
Oscar goes to: Noelia Rodriguez - Chip-off-the-old-block
Jenna Bush is in the news again, this time for allegedly smoking
a little dope in college. Far be it for us to criticize a college
kid for experimenting with drugs. It's those tough-on-crime anti-drug
hypocrites that really piss us off. You'd think hard liners in the
new administration (everyone) would want to see Jenna in the pokey.
HA! According to White House aide Noelia Rodriguez, "Our position
on the daughters is that they're private citizens." Cool! Hey
everyone, the law doesn't investigate allegations of drug use if
you're a private citizen! Tell that to the thousands of black adolescents
in the Texas prison system.
ACCIDENTAL ADMISSION OF G.W. BUSH'S LOW BRAINCELL COUNT
Oscar goes to: Robert Novak - Blustering Bob blew
a fuse last week with his desperate defense of George W. Bush's
broken campaign promise. In a Washington Post opinion piece, Novak
claimed that it was actually all Christie Whitman's fault for hearing
a line in one of Bush's campaign speeches about how he was going
to reduce carbon dioxide emissions, and running with it. Apparently
the line had been inserted by mistake, you see, and George
didn't really mean it. Duh! Fancy not knowing that, Christie!
But the funny thing is, doesn't Bumbling Bob realize that he wrote
an entire opinion piece about how GW has no idea what his policies
are and just reads whatever is put in front of him? Whoops!
PARTISANSHIP IN A COMEDY SETTING:
Oscar goes to: Ben Stein - It's official: Ben Stein
isn't funny. The so-called comedian admitted it himself last week,
saying that he's "at a loss for jokes" since Bush became
president. Even though he's headlining the Radio and TV Correspondents
Association's "Salute to Congress" dinner this week, Ben will be
playing it straight. Stein said that Bush "doesn't do much
that's controversial. It's hard to think of a joke about a tax cut...
It's like jokes about cancer. They're hard to find." We think
that Ben is misunderestimating himself, personally. What about when
GW danced with Ricky Martin? Hispanically speaking, that's one of
the funniest things we ever saw. Or how about a good cocaine joke?
Or maybe DWI? Still, you can't expect poor Ben to have to come up
with jokes, can you. It's not like it's his JOB or anything.
DISPLAY OF PEDANTIC REAGAN BROWN-NOSING:
Oscar goes to: Bob Barr - Bob thinks that it's frankly
disgusting that Washington's Metro system hasn't renamed its station
at Ronald Reagan National Airport yet. The station is listed on
all Metro signs and maps as simply "National Airport",
which we, and presumably all the air traffic controllers who got
fired by the Gipper, think has a much nicer ring to it. Anyway,
despite the fact that it would cost $400,000 to make the required
changes, the honorable Mr. Barr is threatening to withhold Metro
funding if they don't hurry up and get on with it. What an excellent
use of congressional taxpayer-funded time and resources. Although
we hear that Metro ARE considering changing "Woodley Park-Zoo/Adams
Morgan" to "Woodley Park-Zoo/Adams Morgan/Bob Barr Is
A Horse's Ass".
FAILURE TO DISGUISE RACIST TENDENCIES:
Oscar goes to: Sons of the Confederate Veterans -
This year, instead of proclaiming the usual Confederate History
Month, Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore proclaimed that April would
be "in remembrance of the sacrifices and honor of all Virginians
who served in the Civil War." But the Sons of the Confederate Veterans
didn't like that at all. Oh no. Not one little bit. According to
them, Gilmore's effort to include "all Virginians" in
the celebration "creates big divisions among people and really satisfies
no one except the NAACP." Those pesky black people, always
INDICATION THAT BIG OIL IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN BABY CARIBOU:
Oscar goes to: The U.S. Geological Survey - Last week we
learned that federal worker Ian Thomas was fired from his job at
the U.S. Geological Survey for the brutal crime of posting a map
of the caribou calving areas in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge
on a U.S. government website. Despite the lack of any kind of prior
warning, the reason for Thomas's dismissal was given as "[Thomas]
didn't follow standard review procedures before posting research
information to the web." Clearly Thomas must have been fired
for his failure to understand policy and lack of experience. After
all, by his own estimation he'd only posted around 20,000 maps on
the same site over the course of his three year employment.
Other popular nominees this week: Bill O'Reilly, Spence Abraham,
Mitch McConnell, Tom DeLay. Dropping off the list: The National
Association of Manufacturers (3), Phil Gramm (4), Paul O'Neill (5), Chris
Carman (6), Ralph Nader (8), Peter Jennings (9), Bill O'Reilly (10).
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