The Top Ten Conservative
Idiots (Week 10)
Campaign Promises Up In Smoke Edition
a friend about the Top Ten Conservative Idiots
This week we have a first for the Top Ten Conservative Idiots - a tie
for the number one spot. It was such a tough decision between Flip-Flopping/Promise-Breaking
George W. Bush and Tax-Cutting/Economy-Wrecking George W. Bush that we
decided to split the honor. Elsewhere on the chart: Phil Gramm (4) is
doing the Lord's work in the Devil's city, Christie Todd Whitman (7) fights
tooth and nail for her priniciples, and Peter Jennings (9) bemoans the
media's liberal slant. Enjoy!
George W. Bush - Well it didn't take GW too long to start abandoning
his more moderate campaign promises, did it? Since the nation is
obviously crying out for a hardcore right-wing agenda (according
to Fox News polls) George has decided to oblige. On
the chopping block last week was his promise to curtail power plants'
carbon dioxide emissions. The really clever part about ditching
this promise is that not only does it bode badly for the environment,
it also further isolates the U.S. from its European allies while
simultaneously causing big-business fat-cats to wet their pants
George W. Bush - Yes, the multiple personalities of GW have
tied themselves for first place this week. Showing that he's got
his finger on the pulse of public opinion, Bush opined last week
that, "People want tax relief. That's what the people want.
Once they realize we've got money in our budget to meet our needs,
the people want tax relief." A quick glance at last week's CBS News/New
York Times poll seems to back up George's claim, with a whopping
19% favoring tax cuts and a merely insignificant 53% favoring the
preservation of Social Security. Still, it's good to see a president
who believes in his own principles and won't be swayed by stupid
things like the will of the people. Especially since most of them
voted for the other guy. Suckers.
National Association of Manufacturers - It's official: real
working Americans are in favor of George Bush's tax cut, and we
have the proof. Enter Russ Freyman, the associate director for media
relations at the National Association of Manufacturers. In a memo
business lobbyists preparing
for a Capitol Hill rally in support of tax cuts, Freyman wrote,
"The theme involves working Americans. Visually, this will involve
a sea of hard hats, which our construction and contractor and building
groups are working very hard to provide. But the Speaker's office
was very clear in saying that they do not need people in suits.
If people want to participate - AND WE DO NEED BODIES - they must
be DRESSED DOWN, appear to be REAL WORKER types, etc. We plan to
have hard hats for people to wear. Other groups are providing waiters/waitresses,
and other types of workers." See? Real working Americans are in
favor of George Bush's tax cut!
Gramm - Our very own film critic Phil Gramm claimed last week
in USA Today that he was doing the Lord's work in the Devil's city.
If the Devil's city is Washington DC, then we can only assume that
the Lord's work is making sure that credit card companies can sink
vulnerable individuals deeper into the quicksand of debt than they
already are. Senator Gramm, chairman of the Banking Committee, was
delighted to see the new bankruptcy bill fast-tracked though Congress
last week, giving credit card companies a payback for their massive
Republican campaign contributions. The bill could net them an extra
$1 billion this year - meanwhile, individuals faced with crushing
debt face even greater obstacles to claiming personal bankruptcy.
But if there's an increase in suicides this year, don't blame Phil.
He's just doing the Lord's work.
O'Neill - The list of red-faced conservatives who are keeping
quiet about the Marc Rich pardon continues to grow as Paul O'Neill
was caught with his metaphorical pants down last week. Before becoming
Treasury Secretary, O'Neill headed the aluminum company Alcoa. It
was revealed last week that not only did Alcoa buy an aluminum refinery
from Marc Rich, they also sold him raw materials for aluminum production.
So, to recap - Dick Cheney's Chief of Staff is Rich's lawyer, his
wife contributed money to Arlen Specter, and the U.S. Treasury Secretary
is his business partner. What next? He used to go out drinking with
Dubya? Dan Burton is his bridge partner? He's been paying Bob Barr's
Carman - After the voter fiasco in Florida, it was claimed that
Democrats who had their ballots disqualified were too stupid to vote.
Now step forward intellectual giant Chris Carman. Carman, who resigned
as a member of Manatee County's Republican Executive Committee in
January, faces felony charges for voter fraud after casting two votes
for George W. Bush in last year's election. After intercepting an
absentee ballot mailed to his roommate Blair Hanner, Carman cast a
vote for Bush, forged Hanner's signature, and mailed it in. When Hanner
showed up to vote at the polls, Carman was exposed. In his defense
he said, "I made a boo-boo." Yes, we can see how this must
have been an honest mistake.
Todd Whitman - The brave, principled EPA chief last week took
a tough stance on her boss's announcement that his campaign promise
to reduce carbon dioxide emisions was "a mistake." It
was reported that Whitman stormed into the Oval Office, demanded
an explanation from Bush, and gave him a thorough dressing-down
for his failure to stand up for the environment or his own campaign
promises. At least, that's what COULD have happened - if she had
one iota of self-respect. Instead, the gutless Whitman decided to
destroy whatever remaining credibility she may have posessed by
publicly brown-nosing her treacherous boss.
Nader - The amazing disappearing Ralph has awakened from his
post-election coma and resumed his favorite hobby - bashing the Democrats.
At a sold-out rally in Redondo Beach, California, Nader said he has
"no regrets about taking away votes" from Al Gore. He then
questioned the Democrats inability to block the nominations of John
Ashcroft and Gale Norton. Hmmmm. Just a wild stab in the dark here,
but maybe Ashcroft and Norton wouldn't have been nominated if Al Gore
had become president. What were we thinking? GW and the Republicans
are trashing the environment and lining the pockets of big business,
and what's Ralph's cunning plan? Trash the Democrats, of course! Not
that he's sticking his neck out for his own personal political gain
or anything like that. Heaven forbid that we should insinuate anything
about Ralph's motives.
Jennings - Poor old Peter Jennings was recently heard lamenting
the media's lack of conservative journalists. While being interviewed
by bleeding-heart liberal Tim Russert last week, Jennings moaned,
"I'm always struck by the fact that there are not enough conservative
voices in mainstream broadcasting. And I think that's unfortunate
and it always reminds me that one of the best [things] we can do ...
is make room for people to have their say." This just in: a special
bipartisan committee to investigate the disgusting liberal bias in
the mainstream media has been set up by George Will, Charles Krauthammer,
Ann Coulter, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Robert Novak, John Derbyshire,
Mary Matalin, Sean Hannity, Brit Hume, Tony Snow, Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
and Chris Matthews.
O'Reilly - And finally, speaking of conservative journalists,
Mr. Bill "No Spin Zone" O'Reilly was offering financial
advice last week to his good friends, the hard-working men and women
of America. "We should all forget about the $4 cups of coffee, the
SUVs that get 12 miles to the gallon and designer duds for 3 year
olds. Save your money. The good times are over for the time being...
it is our job to look out for you. Very few will tell you the truth
about things. We will. This economy is in trouble." The future isn't
looking so gloomy for Blue-Collar Bill though. He's just signed a
six year deal with Fox that will bag him an estimated $24-30 million
- enough for quite a few $4 cups of coffee. See you next week!
Other popular nominees this week: Newt Gingrich, The Vermont House
of Representatives, Julie Sbrocco, Eugene Scalia, Tony Snow, Spence Abraham,
Bob Barr. Dropping off the list: Tom Feeney (1), Jeb Bush (2),
George Will (3), Jim Gilmore (4), The Reagan Legacy Project (5), George
Bush Sr. (6), Jerry Falwell (7), The Christian Coalition (8), Tom DeLay
(9), The woman who ripped off the Top Ten Conservative Idiots, whatever
her name was (10).
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