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The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 9)
March 12, 2001
If It Ain't Broke Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots

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We were overwhelmed by a virtual cavalcade of idiots this week. But we take only the finest to bring you that original freshly-squeezed idiots flavor. One sweet taste and you'll be hooked, or your money back. Tom Feeney gets the Week 9 top spot for being so deeply, deeply in denial that it may take a team of professional hole-diggers with a rock-solid shovel contract to excavate him. Jeb Bush (2) shows us that he's a real tough-guy, and George F. Will (3) keeps his trap shut for once. Meanwhile Jerry Falwell (7) jumps aboard the Pat Robertson bandwagon after suddenly realizing that giving federal funding to faith-based organizations may not be such a great idea after all.

THIS WEEK   LAST WEEK TOTAL WEEKS
1

Tom Feeney - Florida House Speaker Tom Feeney has done some sterling work in his effort to reach the top of the chart this week, so how could we refuse him the number one spot? You may recall Mr. Feeney as the man who led the fight to have the Florida legislature appoint its own set of electors for GW Bush just in case the US Supreme Court ruled in favor of Al Gore. Hey, remember when Al got blasted for wanting to win by any means necessary? Anyway, after last week balking at the Sunshine State election reform task-force's recommendation that $40 million should be spent on fixing Florida's election system, the Feenster spake forth these mighty words of wisdom: "I don't fix something that's not broken." Well thank goodness for that. Now we can all rest assured, safe in the knowledge that the Florida voting sytem is, in fact, NOT broken. Got that everyone? NOT broken.

NEW! 1
2 Jeb Bush - The word on the street is that Jeb Bush may not run for re-election in 2002. It was quietly reported last week that his wife, Columbia, "doesn't like Tallahassee and the fishbowl life they have to endure". Yeah right! You can go ahead and read this as "Gutless Jeb doesn't have the balls to stand up and take the crushing defeat which the Florida electorate are going to shove down his throat, and has decided to blame his wife." What a man! RETURN! 3
3 George F. Will - Conservative loudmouth George Will ranks highly on this weeks chart, but not for something he said or wrote. No, he gets the number three position for something he DIDN'T say. Mr. Will was oddly quiet last week on the topic of Juanita Yvette Lozano and "DebateGate" - a topic which would normally contain enough ammunition for several blue-faced rants. Maybe it has something to do with Will's own sordid participation in the 1980 presidential debates, where he took a little look at Jimmy Carter's briefing materials before joining Ronald Reagan's debate coaching team. Ironic then that while Lozano faces up to 15 years in prison, George Will gets to continue his glittering career as a professional bowtie-wearing pompous ass. NEW! 1
4 Jim Gilmore - The new leader of the RNC returns to steal the number four spot this week for his fabulous new idea on how to win the black vote. Last week, Gilmore told GOPers that Democrats consistently do well among black voters because they "divide, enrage, create suspicion, and get all the votes" out of black communities. So what's Gilmore's brilliant solution to allay the suspicions of African-American voters? His recommendation is to "go into the black community three weeks before the election". That's right - the head of the RNC's tactic for winning the hearts and minds of black voters is to ignore them for 205 weeks and then pay them a quick visit just before election day. Good thinking, Jim! And the very best of luck with your plan. RETURN! 3
5 The Reagan Legacy Project - It seems that a $4 billion aircraft carrier, a national airport, and the country's second-largest federal building were just the beginning - now the Reagan Legacy Project wants to make sure that there is a memorial to the former president in every single county in the country, and erect a Reagan memorial on the Mall in Washington DC. Believe it or not, they are also seeking to put the Gipper's image on the $10 bill. What can be next? Ronald McReagan happy meals? Changing our official language to "Dutch"? Carving an image of his face into the west coast which can be seen from outer space? NEW! 1
6 George Bush Sr. - Father replaces son on the chart this week. Who knew that Bush the Elder pardoned a man named Edwin Cox Jr., a crook who falsified collateral on $78 million in loans and spent six months in prison for bank fraud? Probably not a big deal, until you take into account a couple of other familiar factors, such as last-minute maneuvering at the Department of Justice and lobbying by influential allies. The pardon was granted just 48 hours before Bill Clinton's inauguration in 1993. Oh, and one other thing - Edwin Cox's father just happened to donate $100,000 to Bush's presidential library. Where's Dan Burton when you need him? NEW! 1
7

Jerry Falwell - Rev. Falwell told Beliefnet.com last week that "the Moslem faith teaches hate," and therefore should not receive any federal funding under Bush's new faith-based initiative. He went on to say that "any group that is anti-Semitic, racist, or in any way bigoted should be disqualified". Of course, this doesn't apply to Falwell himself. See, when Falwell says things like "When [the antichrist] appears during the Tribulation period he will be a full-grown counterfeit of Christ. Of course he'll be Jewish," or calls same-sex marriages "dastardly", he's just spreading the love to everyone!

NEW! 1
8 The Christian Coalition - In a semi-related story... Trent Barton, who was recently fired by the Christian Coalition, last week filed a wrongful dismissal suit against his former employees in federal court. What could he have been up to? Was he embezzling office supplies? Surfing for porn on his coffee break? Nope. Barton, who is white, was shit-canned for sympathizing with ten black female Coalition employees who are suing for racial discrimination. Apparently Christian Coalition Director Roberta Combs made statements that black staffers would "wear out an oriental rug in the reception area if allowed to use the front door", and that "she didn't want important people seeing the 'girls' in the reception area". Barton was asked by Comb's son-in-law Tracy Ammons to eavesdrop on the black employees, and when he refused - BOOM! You're outta here! It's okay though - I'm sure we can expect Jerry Falwell to lead the fight to prevent these racist bigots from getting federal funding, can't we? NEW! 1
9 Tom DeLay - Gets the penultimate position for brandishing his cat o'nine tails last week and spanking House Republicans into lockstep submission for the vote on GW's disastrous tax cut plan. "Unfortunately, the Democratic leadership would rather have an issue," opined Tom, "would rather have the politics than get something done." Actually Tom, you're right. The Democratic leadership would rather have the politics if "getting something done" means flushing the country's economy down the toilet. RETURN! 5
10 Jacqueline Fournier - We'll be the first to admit that we didn't invent the top ten list. But Jaqueline Fournier has attained fantastic new heights of plagiarism with the fabulous, all-singing, all-dancing "Top Ten Liberal Idiots" list at Spintimes.com. Look, you can even nominate your own liberal idiot! What a great idea. It must have just popped into her brain all of its own accord. Stay tuned though - considering Ms. Fournier obviously doesn't have an original thought in her head, you can probably expect us to show up on her list next week. Adios! NEW! 1
 
« Week 8 All Weeks Week 10 »

Other popular nominees this week: George W. Bush, Chris Matthews (again), Tim Russert (don't worry, we'll get round to Russert eventually), The South Carolina GOP, Robert Novak. Dropping off the list: Dan Burton (1), Conservatives who think they can raise kids better than you can (2), George W. Bush (3), Lewis Libby (4), Bill O'Reilly (5), The Media (6), The Secret Service (7), Rick Strong (8), John Ashcroft (9), The Census Bureau (10).

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