The Top Ten Conservative
Idiots (Week 9)
If It Ain't Broke Edition
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We were overwhelmed by a virtual cavalcade of idiots this week. But
we take only the finest to bring you that original freshly-squeezed idiots
flavor. One sweet taste and you'll be hooked, or your money back. Tom
Feeney gets the Week 9 top spot for being so deeply, deeply in denial
that it may take a team of professional hole-diggers with a rock-solid
shovel contract to excavate him. Jeb Bush (2) shows us that he's a real
tough-guy, and George F. Will (3) keeps his trap shut for once. Meanwhile
Jerry Falwell (7) jumps aboard the Pat Robertson bandwagon after suddenly
realizing that giving federal funding to faith-based organizations may
not be such a great idea after all.
Feeney - Florida House Speaker Tom Feeney has done some sterling
work in his effort to reach the top of the chart this week, so how
could we refuse him the number one spot? You may recall Mr. Feeney
as the man who led the fight to have the Florida legislature appoint
its own set of electors for GW Bush just in case the US Supreme
Court ruled in favor of Al Gore. Hey, remember when Al got blasted
for wanting to win by any means necessary? Anyway, after last week
balking at the Sunshine State election reform task-force's recommendation
that $40 million should be spent on fixing Florida's election system,
the Feenster spake forth these mighty words of wisdom: "I don't
fix something that's not broken." Well thank goodness for that.
Now we can all rest assured, safe in the knowledge that the Florida
voting sytem is, in fact, NOT broken. Got that everyone? NOT broken.
Bush - The word on the street is that Jeb Bush may not run for
re-election in 2002. It was quietly reported last week that his wife,
Columbia, "doesn't like Tallahassee and the fishbowl life they
have to endure". Yeah right! You can go ahead and read this as
"Gutless Jeb doesn't have the balls to stand up and take the
crushing defeat which the Florida electorate are going to shove down
his throat, and has decided to blame his wife." What a man!
F. Will - Conservative loudmouth George Will ranks highly on
this weeks chart, but not for something he said or wrote. No, he gets
the number three position for something he DIDN'T say. Mr. Will was
oddly quiet last week on the topic of Juanita Yvette Lozano and "DebateGate"
- a topic which would normally contain enough ammunition for several
blue-faced rants. Maybe it has something to do with Will's own sordid
participation in the 1980 presidential debates, where he took a little
look at Jimmy Carter's briefing materials before joining Ronald Reagan's
debate coaching team. Ironic then that while Lozano faces up to 15
years in prison, George Will gets to continue his glittering career
as a professional bowtie-wearing pompous ass.
Gilmore - The new leader of the RNC returns to steal the number
four spot this week for his fabulous new idea on how to win the black
vote. Last week, Gilmore told GOPers that Democrats consistently do
well among black voters because they "divide, enrage, create
suspicion, and get all the votes" out of black communities. So
what's Gilmore's brilliant solution to allay the suspicions of African-American
voters? His recommendation is to "go into the black community
three weeks before the election". That's right - the head of
the RNC's tactic for winning the hearts and minds of black voters
is to ignore them for 205 weeks and then pay them a quick visit just
before election day. Good thinking, Jim! And the very best of luck
with your plan.
Reagan Legacy Project - It seems that a $4 billion aircraft carrier,
a national airport, and the country's second-largest federal building
were just the beginning - now the Reagan Legacy Project wants to make
sure that there is a memorial to the former president in every single
county in the country, and erect a Reagan memorial on the Mall in
Washington DC. Believe it or not, they are also seeking to put the
Gipper's image on the $10 bill. What can be next? Ronald McReagan
happy meals? Changing our official language to "Dutch"?
Carving an image of his face into the west coast which can be seen
from outer space?
Bush Sr. - Father replaces son on the chart this week. Who knew
that Bush the Elder pardoned a man named Edwin Cox Jr., a crook who
falsified collateral on $78 million in loans and spent six months
in prison for bank fraud? Probably not a big deal, until you take
into account a couple of other familiar factors, such as last-minute
maneuvering at the Department of Justice and lobbying by influential
allies. The pardon was granted just 48 hours before Bill Clinton's
inauguration in 1993. Oh, and one other thing - Edwin Cox's father
just happened to donate $100,000 to Bush's presidential library. Where's
Dan Burton when you need him?
Falwell - Rev. Falwell told Beliefnet.com last week that "the
Moslem faith teaches hate," and therefore should not receive
any federal funding under Bush's new faith-based initiative. He
went on to say that "any group that is anti-Semitic, racist,
or in any way bigoted should be disqualified". Of course, this
doesn't apply to Falwell himself. See, when Falwell says things
like "When [the antichrist] appears during the Tribulation
period he will be a full-grown counterfeit of Christ. Of course
he'll be Jewish," or calls same-sex marriages "dastardly",
he's just spreading the love to everyone!
Christian Coalition - In a semi-related story... Trent Barton,
who was recently fired by the Christian Coalition, last week filed
a wrongful dismissal suit against his former employees in federal
court. What could he have been up to? Was he embezzling office supplies?
Surfing for porn on his coffee break? Nope. Barton, who is white,
was shit-canned for sympathizing with ten black female Coalition employees
who are suing for racial discrimination. Apparently Christian Coalition
Director Roberta Combs made statements that black staffers would "wear
out an oriental rug in the reception area if allowed to use the front
door", and that "she didn't want important people seeing
the 'girls' in the reception area". Barton was asked by Comb's
son-in-law Tracy Ammons to eavesdrop on the black employees, and when
he refused - BOOM! You're outta here! It's okay though - I'm sure
we can expect Jerry Falwell to lead the fight to prevent these racist
bigots from getting federal funding, can't we?
DeLay - Gets the penultimate position for brandishing his cat
o'nine tails last week and spanking House Republicans into lockstep
submission for the vote on GW's disastrous tax cut plan. "Unfortunately,
the Democratic leadership would rather have an issue," opined
Tom, "would rather have the politics than get something done."
Actually Tom, you're right. The Democratic leadership would
rather have the politics if "getting something done" means
flushing the country's economy down the toilet.
Fournier - We'll be the first to admit that we didn't invent the
top ten list. But Jaqueline Fournier has attained fantastic new heights
of plagiarism with the fabulous, all-singing, all-dancing "Top
Ten Liberal Idiots" list at Spintimes.com. Look, you can even
nominate your own liberal idiot! What a great idea. It must have just
popped into her brain all of its own accord. Stay tuned though - considering
Ms. Fournier obviously doesn't have an original thought in her head,
you can probably expect us to show up on her list next week. Adios!
Other popular nominees this week: George W. Bush, Chris Matthews
(again), Tim Russert (don't worry, we'll get round to Russert eventually),
The South Carolina GOP, Robert Novak. Dropping off the list: Dan
Burton (1), Conservatives who think they can raise kids better than you
can (2), George W. Bush (3), Lewis Libby (4), Bill O'Reilly (5), The Media
(6), The Secret Service (7), Rick Strong (8), John Ashcroft (9), The Census
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