The Top Ten Conservative
Idiots (Week 7)
Media Whores Edition
a friend about the Top Ten Conservative Idiots
We knew it was getting ridiculous when we heard that Roger Clinton had
handed Bill some pardon suggestions which were duly ignored. Newsflash!
Scandal! Okay, so the pardon story is news, and it's not going
away any time soon, but the Media's rapacious appetite for destruction
puts them firmly at the top of the chart this week. It was close though
- John Derybshire (2) put up a good fight with his thorough trashing of
Chelsea Clinton, and Karl Rove's petulance earned him a place at number
four. Meanwhile George W. Bush (6) handled himself with aplomb at his
first press conference, and Pat Robertson (10) suffered an unfortunate
Media - Yes, The Media takes a trip all the way to the top this
week for clinging to the Clinton pardon story like a horny dachshund
on your uncle's pantleg. Here's how it works: First they devote hour
after hour of newstime to the story. Then, when the story starts to
lose steam they devote hour after hour of newstime to stories about
how they are devoting hour after hour of newstime to the story. Coming
next week: CNN, MSNBC and Fox News merge and implode under the vast
gravitational pull of their own self-importance.
Derbyshire - "Brace yourself: I hate Chelsea Clinton"
wrote Mr. Derbysmear in his National Review column last week. Oh really
sir? Why so? Here's his ingenious reasoning - "She has not
looted the White House, lied under oath, bombed an aspirin factory
in Africa to get her personal legal problems off the front pages,
raped anybody, used public employees to pimp for her, sold the Department
of Defense to the Chinese Communist Party for cold cash, taken a fat
bribe dressed up as a 'commodities trade,' or written a book arguing
that parents cannot be trusted to raise their children. I note, however,
that she doesn't deserve any credit for not having done these things;
she just hasn't had time yet." Everyone else in the running
for a Pullitzer this year may want to bow out now. Clearly the quality
of this man's journalism is not to be trifled with.
Limbaugh - Okay, take a deep breath before reading this one.
In a promo for his radio show last week, Rush was heard to announce,
"If you take away the black vote, Bush won by a landslide".
Now slowly, get back in your chair and re-read that. Breathe in.
Breathe out. Now spit. That's good. While we understand that he would
prefer democracy if only white men were allowed to vote, what Mount
Rushmo' fails to have realized is that in Florida they DID take away
the black vote and Bush STILL lost. Whoops. Talent on loan from God?
More like talent on loan from Gallagher.
Rove - Poor Karl earns fourth place for throwing a teeny-tiny
tantrum last week. The administration's negotiations with senators
over a Patients' Bill Of Rights fell through after the White House
refused to let John McCain participate, even though he has been the
leading Republican proponent of the legislation. Sources tell us that
Rove, still smarting from GW's trouncing in the New Hampshire primary,
said that if McCain was allowed in he would "hold his breath
until he turned blue." When pressed further, Mr. Rove said that
it was his ball and he was taking it home.
Supreme Court - Remember how the Supreme Court last year embraced
the equal protection clause to stop the vote counting and install
their guy as president? Well, it turns out that they really were clutching
at straws, and here's the proof - last week they ruled that states
don't have to worry about the equal protection of the disabled, despite
an Act of Congress that says they do. It seems that while everyone
is equal, some have more equal protection than others.
W. Bush - The nation held its collective breath last week as George
prepared to answer this tough question from a BBC reporter: What will
you tell Prime Minister Blair about the American attitude to a European
rapid-reaction force? Clearly at a total loss, GW quickly came up
with this extremely deft comeback: "Well, why don't we wait until
after he and I visit... so I don't have to give the same answer
twice." That showed 'em!
Cheney - Won't the real Lynne Cheney please stand up? The veep's
wife went on the attack last week as Eminem was awarded three Grammys.
Of his duet with Elton John, she offered, "That is particularly
dismaying. Elton John has been so good in the past at speaking out
on issues of equality for gay people, on issues of being against
violent language against gay people. It really - I am quite amazed
and dismayed that he would choose to perform with Eminem."
We think Lynne's concern for gays is very commendable. Hey, remember
when she bravely stood up in defense of her own daughter's homosexuality
during the election campaign? No? That's because she didn't.
Hampshire Republican Party - One year after undeclared voters
helped John McCain to an 18-point primary win, New Hampshire state
GOP leaders last week endorsed a bill that would prohibit independents
from choosing sides on primary election days. After all, they wouldn't
want a farce like "democracy" getting in the way of their
guy winning, would they? For yet another example of state level Republican
leaders trying to fix an election, the New Hampshire Republican Party
cruise into the number eight slot.
Thurmond Family - While we would NEVER make fun of a senile old
dude on his last legs, we feel it within the bounds of our ethics
to take pot-shots at members of his immediate family. So this week
two Thurmonds share the number nine position. First Strom's wife Nancy
visited South Carolina Governor Jim Hodges to seek a deal that would
allow her to finish her husband's term. She even brought with her
a homemade videotape of Strom endorsing the idea, which we would pay
good cash money to see. And secondly Strom Thurmond Jr., apparently
a "hard worker who expects no special treatment", went to his
father and asked to be nominated to the post of U.S. Attorney for
South Carolina. The vultures are circling!
Robertson - Poor, poor Pat Robertson. After working for years
and years to turn America into a religious theocracy, and after seeing
his dream come tantalizingly close to fruition with the announcement
of funding for faith-based organizations, Pat has suffered the ultimate
debasement - being forced to side with Democrats. Last week he discovered
that - surprise! - Christian Fundamentalism isn't the only religion
in America. Reverend Robertson backed away from Bush's plan after
realizing that he would have to share his cash with Moonies, Hari
Krishnas and Wiccans, to name but a few. Guess he'll have to go back
to earning his money the old fashioned way - by suckering old ladies
out of their Social Security checks.
Other popular nominees this week: Tim Russert, Strom Thurmond,
Jeb Bush, Dan Burton. Dropping off the list: Arnold Schwarzenegger
(3), Dan Quayle (4), Dick Armey (7), Oliver North (8), Tom DeLay (9),
Rush Limbaugh (10), The State of Virginia (11).
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