The Top Ten Conservative
Idiots (Week 5)
Glass Houses Edition
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Some new friends, some old faces this week as the conservative scandal-machine
chugs slowly back to life. Arlen Specter rockets to the top spot with
his outrageous call for Impeachment II. Dan Burton steals the second spot
with his stellar performance as "the least credible man to be throwing
stones at Bill Clinton." and Dan Quayle (4) makes his long-awaited
debut on the chart. GWB is hanging in there at number six, while Ollie
North (8) once again misses the whole point of Iran-Contra. And in a burst
of generosity, we decide to give Rush Limbaugh (10) a much-needed injection
of publicity after learning of his show's falling ratings. We're all rooting
for ya, Rush!
Specter - The Pennsylvania senator told Fox News Sunday that the
Marc Rich case opens the door to another
impeachment against Bill Clinton, adding "I don't think that trial
would take too long." So apparently impeaching a president once for
no good reason is not enough for these people. Now they have to take
away his pension, his office, and get this his
Secret Service protection.
Burton - Having failed to bring down Bill Clinton on charges of
sexual misconduct, the obsessed Indiana congressman last week opened
a probe to uncover alleged special favors in the Marc Rich case. Burton
is an expert on sexual misconduct and special favors - his illegitimate
son was once handed a fine, probation and community service after
being caught in possession of 7.5 pounds of marijuana. It must have
been for personal use!
Schwarzenegger - Oh, Arnold. Running for Governor of California?
We know Ronnie Reagan is your hero, but chances are that even he wouldn't
have made it into power if his best known acting role was "mass-murdering
Austrian cyborg from the future." Still, now that the Republicans
are back on top and skirt-chasing is politically correct again, you'll
probably make a fine candidate.
Quayle - After his zero-impact presidential campaign, the only
Republican dumber than George W. Bush has decided that an ambassadorial
position might be more his style. Dan shoots into four place this
week after making noises about becoming ambassador to China, and we
at Democratic Underground have already begun construction on our bomb
Cheney - "Help is on the way!" claimed self-styled
military savior Cheney at the Republican convention last year. After
relentlessly attacking Bill Clinton's military spending, it was announced
last week that aside from a small wage increase the 2002 defense budget
will remain unchanged from the one proposed by... Bill Clinton.
W. Bush - After bending over for Dick on military spending, GW
pushed ahead with his $1.6 trillion tax cut last week. Lands fifth
place for dragging his campaign "tax families" onto the
White House lawn and proclaiming, "We just can't drive on and hope
for the best." Presumably that's not what he said moments before he
was picked up for DUI.
Armey - Speaking of tax cuts, the "Armey of One" is
leading a charge to boost the already over-inflated $1.6 trillion
tax cut into the stratosphere as part of a cunning plan to make the
nation think that Bush's figure is reasonable. Start looking out for
those "Republicans Generously Decide To Accept Bush's More Moderate
Tax Plan" headlines...
North - Returns to the chart this week after another bout of uncontrollable
hypocrisy, bashing Marc Rich on his TV show for selling oil illegally
to foreign interests. Um, Ollie - you DO understand why you were in
trouble over Iran-Contra, don't you?
DeLay - The Exterminator hops into the number nine spot for suggesting
last week that Congress should impeach members of the Supreme Court
who do not agree with him. Presumably the next time an election needs
stealing, he wants to make sure it's done unanimously.
Limbaugh - Boring Rush continues to regale us with tales from
the golf course as his ratings start to slide. It seems that Rush
isn't so much fun to listen to when he stops lying about Democrats
and starts lying about his golfing prowess.
State Of Virginia - Receives an honorary eleventh spot. By deciding
to insult the decision-making skills of women everywhere, Virginia
last week enacted legislation forcing a mandatory 24-hour waiting
period on women seeking an abortion. Of course, they have a similar
24-hour waiting period on handgun purchases, right? Take a guess.
Other popular nominees this week: Bill O'Reilly (again), Ari Fleischer,
Bob Barr, Karen Hughes (aka Neil Bush), Chris Matthews. Dropping off
the list: Orrin Hatch (1), Katherine Harris (2), Trent Lott (3), Fox
News (5), Chris Matthews (6), Phil Gramm (7), Sean Hannity (8), Bob Barr
(9), John Ashcroft (10).
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