The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 35)
September 10, 2001
Lock Up Your Daughters Edition

Lots of newbies in the mix this week, as George W. Bush finally ends his vacation (at least, I think he has) and everyone gets back down to business. John Fund (1) makes a staggering charge for the top spot with some fabulously over-the-top hypocrisy, the likes of which we may never have seen on the chart before - and that's saying something. The Waterbury Aldermen (2) let us in on a little secret: it's okay to be a child molester, as long as you're a conservative. And Michael Franks (3) comes up with a really... great... idea. Propping up the middle of the chart are Rick Lazio (5) who's obviously been reading the Linda Tripp playbook, and the Bush administration (6) who are just plain nasty. Languishing at the bottom of the barrel this week are Condoleeza Rice (9), returning for only the second time, and the White House (10), whose idea of a good time is to scare the shit out of their neighbors. Finally, mad props to Elad this week for his contributions to the list - couldn't have done it without you! Enjoy - and as always, don't forget the key.

John Fund
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - Oh dear. Wall Street Journal editorial writer John Fund has made a name for himself by attacking those who fail to hold the highest of moral standards. Assuming, of course, that they're not conservatives, because we all know that they don't ever do anything immoral. Yes, it seems that our John considers himself to be a bit of an expert on the subject of "right" and "wrong" - especially when it comes to rotten cheating Democrats and the evils of abortion. But in a classic (and sadly predictable) case of "do as I say, not as I do," - the new motto of the modern conservative - Mr. Fund has been caught with his pants down. But maybe we, along with the rest of the oh-so-obviously-liberal media, should give John a break. After all, who could condemn a man for sleeping with the daughter of his ex-girlfriend? And so what if he used to baby-sit her? Is that a crime? No. And who cares if John encouraged the daughter to have an abortion after he got her pregnant, and pressured her to not tell anyone? Not us. Surely just because he tells everyone else that abortions are evil, it doesn't mean he actually has to believe it, right? Oh, and I guess getting back together with the mother after dumping the daughter (while conveniently forgetting to mention the abortion) is A-Okay in John Fund's Moral Rulebook. But I should probably stop banging on about it. I mean, you must be sick of hearing this story being constantly repeated on cable news shows and talk radio, right?

Waterbury Aldermen
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - The Aldermen of Waterbury, CT, have set out to prove that you just can't kick a conservative pedophile when he's down. Mayor Philip Giordano, who is currently in jail on charges of arranging to have sex with two children (see Idiots 29, 31), is refusing to step down from his position. So the Waterbury Board of Aldermen have taken the brave step of, um, halving his salary and taking away his benefits. Yup, rather than seek impeachment for Mayor Pervert, the Aldermen have cut a deal with Giordano - they won't impeach him if promises not to use any of his powers of office (from jail). In fact, the acting mayor, Sam Caligiuri, even went so far as to criticize the Democrats who wanted Giordano's resignation. "Going for Phil's blood is not going to help the city of Waterbury," he said. Conservative integrity at its finest!

Michael Franks

Phil Gramm
RETURN! Weeks on chart: 4 - Three cheers for Phil Gramm! The man who would "roll back the borders of international communism" (yawn) is retiring, and Phil, I think I speak for everyone round these parts when I say that we'll be glad to see the back of ya. But here's a funny thing: Ol' Phil originally announced that "at the end of this term, I will end my period of public service," and that he was "confident the seat would remain in Republican hands." But it would appear that others aren't quite so confident. According to the Valley Morning Star, George W. Bush met with TX Governor Rick Perry, for the purposes of avoiding "a bloodbath in the Republican Party." How so? Well it seems that as part of Karl Rove's continuing crusade to sucker the Hispanic vote, GOP higher-ups want to ensure that a Hispanic replaces Gramm - specifically, Rep. Henry Bonilla of San Antonio. But since Hispanics traditionally fare poorly in Republican primaries, the obvious answer is to boot Gramm out on his ear, and simply have Perry name Bonilla as his replacement. And since Bush met with Perry, rumors have been flying round Capitol Hill that Gramm will not see out the rest of his term, and will instead resign ASAP. So will Gramm bow to the pressure and quit? Gee, I wonder.

Rick Lazio
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - When will they ever learn? Since poor old Rick Lazio was trounced by Hillary Clinton in the New York Senate race, he's been left with a million-dollar debt (another awesome example of the powers of GOP budgeting) and is now flat broke. Ha ha! Ahem. Anyway, Lazio pulled a "Linda" last week by sending a panhandling letter to (previously) loyal donors, hitting them up for cash. And of course, he couldn't help but rely on the name that the right-wing love to hate - Clinton. "Stand by the guy who was willing to put his political career on the line to stop Mrs. Clinton's bid for the Senate and possibly the presidency," groveled Lazio. "You see, I don't have any favors to grant. I can't give you or your friends a pardon. I guess I could write a book, but I doubt I'll get a $10 million advance because I don't have any secrets to tell." Are you giggling yet? How about: "What will you get in return? My thanks. And possibly a warm feeling for having stood by someone who stood up to the Clintons." Perhaps Lazio should have thought about this a bit more. I mean, if I was one of Lazio's donors, I'd read this letter as, "Hey, remember me!? I'm the guy to whom you donated thousands of dollars which I proceeded to waste in buckets on my horrible campaign, before letting the wife of the man you hate more than anyone in the entire world thrash me in the election! Spare some change?"

The Bush Administration
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - Conservative idiocy reached yet another new height last week as the Bush Administration took the position that girls in war zones don't deserve recognition for the abuse they suffer. The U.S. delegation for an upcoming UNICEF conference on the rehabilitation of children in impoverished countries has curiously sided with such human rights giants as Sudan, Libya, and Iran, apparently over fears that any recognition of abused girls would lead to - horrors - counseling on birth control and abortion. The U.S. has said they won't support a conference resolution because it "encroaches on parental rights," and they "object to provisions against capital punishment or life imprisonment without parole for minors." Nice. Since the start of negotiations in February, the U.S. delegation has insisted on removing references to the 1989 Convention of the Rights of the Child, which has been UNICEF's driving force for the last ten years. The treaty was originally signed by Bill Clinton in 1995, and has since been ratified by all countries except the United States and, um, Somalia. So I guess the most important thing to remember is that according to the Bush administration, young girls being raped and tortured isn't as important as sending the message to Americans that "freedom of choice is murder."

Tommy Thompson
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - To the surprise of many scientists, Bush announced last month that more than 60 existing stem cell lines would receive federal research funding. But according to the New York Times, scientists were somewhat baffled by this news: "most of the existing lines are not ready for the kind of research that scientists believe may lead to treatments for a variety of diseases." Wow, who woulda thunk it? After Bush's announcement, Health Secretary Tommy "Remember Me?" Thompson tried to prop up the idea, declaring that "the more than 60 stem cell lines are diverse, robust and viable for research." But just recently Thompson was forced to backpedal when it was discovered that his claims were, in fact, complete crap. As it happens, only 24 or 25 of the lines are of any use to anybody. But in a furious U-turn, Thompson claimed last week that, "Nobody has ever said there are 64 completely developed lines. Nobody has ever said that." Funny, we thought you just did. Anyway, it turns out that - wouldn't you know it - when he made the original announcement Tommy didn't even know how many cell lines were available. With that kind of gift for fuzzy math, you'd think Bush would move him over to the Treasury.

George W. Bush
Last week: 6 Weeks on chart: 27 - Baffled by proof that fiscally irresponsible tax-cuts actually don't stimulate the economy, Bush is now considering yet another tax cut. We can only assume that the astounding logic behind this idea is that it's obvious that tax cuts stimulate the economy (despite evidence, historical fact, and other stupid things, like actual proof) and that the first tax cut was simply just not big enough. Despite the wildly popular belief that federal budget deficits hurt the economy, Bush last week bravely blazed forward with a great idea to further reduce taxes on the rich, all while claiming the current lack of a federal surplus is the fault of none other than Bill Clinton. Showing his ability to stand up for what is "right" even if most people don't agree and economists tell him he's wrong, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said, "The president will remain open-minded, but the fundamental fact is that he is confident that the Federal Reserve rate cuts and the stimulative effect of the tax cut will promote the growth required to bring the economy back." Just like he was confident the PREVIOUS tax cut for the wealthy would promote the growth required to bring the economy back...

Condoleeza Rice
RETURN! Weeks on chart: 2 - The National Security Advisor (note the title, National Security), announced this week that giving China the details of the controversial missile defense shield and allowing China to build up their nuclear arsenal and test nuclear weapons is in the best interest of the United States. According to the Washington Post, "Another administration official said that as a sweetener for China, the United States will signal that it recognizes both sides might want to resume nuclear weapons testing in the future. Such tests, now precluded by a voluntary worldwide moratorium, could allow China to field a new generation of mobile, multiple-warhead missiles." "We're being realistic," another administration official said. "We imposed these sanctions because the law required us to and because it was right to do. Overall, it's still about reducing the world's reliance on nuclear weapons." Apparently, Rice and the Pentagon are unable to comprehend that a larger supply of modern nuclear weapons is actually MORE of a threat...

The White House
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - And finally: KABLAMMO! That's the sound that would have startled you from your slumber and had you heading for the bomb shelters if you happened to be living within a five mile radius of the White House last week. Washington D.C. residents went bonkers after Dubya and Co. decided to finish up their first state dinner with a rather large (and loud) fireworks display - without notifying their neighbors. People were, understandably, pissed off. Laura Bush - well, her spokesperson - apologized the following day, claiming that "the White House tries to respect the area's residents and their concerns." Yeah, right. But what, no apology from Dubya? To be honest, he probably doesn't know what the fuss is all about. It's not like he hasn't had enough practice waking people up late at night - I bet Laura and the kids are used to his grand entrances after a good kegger. Perhaps, though, the DC residents can seek some comfort in the fact that they're getting in some good practice for the culmination of the administration's "let's give China a hand to build up their nuclear arsenal" policy. See you next week!