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The
Supremos - Episode 24
August
22, 2001
by The Shifties
OPENING
SCENE: The ABC Nightly News...
Peter
Jennings: And following up on a story from last week,
the General Accounting Office hinted that it may bring civil
suit against the Vice President if he refuses to turn over
the names of persons involved in the preparation of the President's
strategic plan for meeting the nation's energy needs…
SCENE:
In the Chambers of Justice Supremo. The Justice and the Vice
President have been watching the news. Supremo switches off
the television.
Justice
Supremo: I don't get it. Why not give 'em the list?
VP Cheney:
I can't.
Justice
Supremo: You only talked to other Republicans? Hey, nobody
swallowed that bipartisan crap anyway.
VP Cheney:
That's not it.
Justice
Supremo: It ain't, huh? (rubbing his chin) I know,
you don't want 'em to find out you got advice from oil and
gas lobbyists. No sweat. Just say you were paying attention
to campaign contributors.
VP Cheney:
That's not it either.
Justice
Supremo: (concerned) Worse?
VP Cheney:
Worse.
Justice
Supremo: What?
VP Cheney:
We didn't... I didn't talk to anybody.
Justice
Supremo: Then where did the President's energy strategy
come from?
VP Cheney:
I wrote it on the train. On cocktail napkins, to be precise.
Justice
Supremo: By your lonesome?
VP Cheney:
(defensively) I happen to know a lot about energy.
Justice
Supremo: You also owned about ten million dollars worth
of petroleum stock, ya fuggin' moron.
VP Cheney:
I was stressed out, OK? You try doing the two most important
jobs in the world by yourself.
Justice
Supremo: (sarcastically) Like I don't already.
You know somethin'? You're worse than Clarence.
VP Cheney:
What are we going to do, Nino?
Justice
Supremo: (sighs) I'm gonna send over a couple guys
to help.
SCENE:
A Congressional committee hearing on Energy.
Sen.
Biden: You, sir, claim to have assisted in the development
of the President's Energy Plan?
Witness:
(whispers to his attorney before answering) I did.
Sen.
Biden: And your name?
Witness:
(whispers to his attorney) John Smith.
Sen.
Biden: John Smith? No middle initial?
Witness:
(whispers to his attorney) Q.
Sen.
Biden: (skeptically) John Q. Smith.
Witness:
That's my name. Don't wear it out.
Sen.
Kennedy: A question to the witness, if I may, Senator.
Sen.
Biden: Go right ahead, Senator. Maybe you'll have better
luck than I did.
Sen.
Kennedy: If your name is really John Q Smith, why did
you introduce yourself in the hall before the hearing as "Fat
Vito"?
Witness:
(whispers to his attorney) It's a nickname.
Sen.
Kennedy: And just what do you do for a living, Mr. Smith?
Witness:
(whispers to his attorney) Consultant.
Sen.
Kennedy: What do you consult about?
Witness:
You know.
Sen.
Kennedy: No I don't.
Witness:
Yes you do.
Sen.
Kennedy: I assure you I do not.
Witness:
I don't believe you.
Sen.
Lieberman: If I may, Senator. (to witness) What
was your supposed role in the creation of the Bush energy
strategy?
Witness:
(whispers to attorney) I decline to answer on the grounds
that it could incinerate me.
Laughter
in the audience.
Sen.
Biden: (smiling) For the record, I believe the
witness meant "incriminate".
Witness:
No I didn't.
To
be continued...
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