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The
Supremos - Episode 23
August
15, 2001
by The Shifties
OPENING
SCENE: Sunday morning after mass. Justice Supremo and his
driver Timo are having espresso with Chief Justice Rehnquist
and Justice Clarence Thomas at the Opus Dei Gentlemen's Club
in Great Falls, Virginia.
Timo:
Boss, can you explain this stem cell stuff to me? I don't
understand it.
Justice
Supremo: It's simple. The scientists want to use part
of the human embryo for research.
Timo:
What kind of research?
Justice
Rehnquist: They want to cure Parkinson's, son. And Alzheimer's.
And juvenile diabetes.
Timo:
But what is a stem cell?
Justice
Supremo: Lemme think how I should explain this. Here we
go. (points to a chess board on a nearby table.) Say
this chess board is the human embryo.
Timo:
Remember I only went to 8th Grade, boss.
Justice
Supremo: Don't worry, this is easy. Everything starts
out as white pawns here. (puts pawns on board) These
white pawns represent the embryo after conception. It's all
white pawns. Nothing else.
Timo:
No black ones?
Justice
Thomas: It could be all black ones, Nino.
Justice
Supremo: Clarence, don't fuck up my example, OK? Cuz the
point is, it's just pawns. No other kind of pieces. You with
me?
Timo
nods.
Justice
Supremo: Then a few months later, the other pieces start
to appear. That's when you get your rooks, your bishops, your
queens. (looks at Thomas) Even your black pieces.
Justice
Thomas: Yay, black pieces!
Timo:
Where do these new pieces come from?
Justice
Supremo: From God, where do ya think? Anyway, the scientists
call this diversification.
Timo:
We're against diversification, aren't we, boss?
Justice
Rehnquist: Nah, we're against diversity. Diversification
is okay. Like it's good that there's Lincolns, so if you get
pissed off at Cadillac, you got options.
Justice
Supremo: You need the rooks and the queens and the bishops,
Timo, in order to get a full human being. Because those are
bone cells, and brain cells, and blood cells, you follow?
You can't make a whole person out of pawns.
Justice
Rehnquist: Sure you can, but he'd be a Democrat. (all
laugh)
Justice
Supremo: So anyway, the scientists want to take these
white pawns here, which they call stem cells, and change the
genetic information, and then reintroduce the changed cells
into the person to see if maybe they can't fix things that
are wrong, like juvenile diabetes.
Timo:
Will that work?
Justice
Supremo: Sure, it'll work. I mean, it'll take a few decades,
maybe longer. But everybody says it will work.
Timo:
Wow. Little kids wouldn't die. Michael J. Fox could stay on
TV.
Justice
Thomas: He's funny. Did you see Back to the Future?
Justice
Supremo: Down the road, yeah, this could be the big breakthrough
of the first part of the 21st Century.
Timo:
So we're for it.
Justice
Supremo: Nah, we're against it.
Timo:
Why?
Justice
Rehnquist: Because God's against it, son.
Justice
Supremo: The Church holds the embryo sacred, Timo.
Timo:
Sure, boss, but if you could save little kids...
Justice
Supremo: Not if you gotta mess with God's will.
Timo:
I can't believe God means for little kids to be sick.
Justice
Supremo: Are you sure you was raised Catholic? Didn't
you never read the Bible? Suffering, Timo. A whole book full.
Timo:
So the President made a mistake.
Justice
Rehnquist: No, because the President based his decision
on more important factors.
Timo:
What?
Justice
Supremo: He's got a lot of big donors in the pharmaceutical
industry.
Timo:
Now you're talkin' so even an 8th grader can understand, boss.
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